Apprehension and Desire

by Ola Wegner

  Elizabeth looked up at him and nodded slowly. “You are right. I will go to my room.”

  Darcy looked over her head at Mrs. Reynolds, who instantly rushed to their side. “Let us go, Mistress.” She took Elizabeth’s arm. “I will have you made a cup of nice herbs so you could sleep well through the night.”

  Darcy watched as Elizabeth ascended the staircase slowly, Georgiana and Amy, who stood on the landing, giving her sympathetic looks.

  Darcy heard the clock strike ten o’clock. Wherever Jane was now, they would find her tomorrow.

  ***

  Elizabeth felt her head to be impossibly heavy. William was calling her name, but it was so difficult to open her eyelids. Then she remembered the events of yesterday and forced herself to sit up and look at him.

  “She is fine, safe and sound,” Darcy spoke without preamble, his face a picture of relief.

  She blinked at him, her eyelids still as if glued together.

  “Jane is well,” he repeated.

  “Where is she?” she murmured, still sleepy.

  “On the Cowlishaw’s farm.”

  “Why?”

  “Cowlishaw’s stable boy came half an hour ago,” Darcy explained. “He said that his Master found her yesterday evening on his pasture. She escaped from Kirby’s farm, but the horse threw her down and she lost consciousness. I have already sent people to Kirby’s place. Cowlishaw saved her life, taking her to his home. There is no doubt about it.”

  “But is she well now?” Elizabeth prompted, her expression still concerned.

  “The boy did not see her, but he was told to say that she was in good health.”

  Elizabeth threw the covers aside, getting out of bed. “I want to talk with that lad.”

  Darcy smiled. “He is in the kitchen now. Cook has something special for him.”

  She slipped on her feet and locked her arms around her husband’s chest. “I am so relieved that Jane has been found and nothing worse happened. I was so frightened.”

  Darcy exhaled. “I was quite worried myself. I hate knowing that harm could come to anyone under my roof. What is worse, I did not dare to think what would have happened to you if she had, heaven forbid, not survived, or been seriously hurt.”

  Elizabeth shuddered. “We should not even think of that.”

  He brought her closer. “Are you well?” his hand went to her midsection.

  She nodded. “Yes, I am well, though…” She gave him a troubled look. “William, I am not sure whether I am with child again. I do not want to raise your hopes only to have them shattered later on like the last time.”

  “You have missed your monthly bleeding for three months now. Is that not proof enough?” he asked.

  “I have no morning sickness like the last time, and my appetite is steady,” she pointed out.

  “You are more tired. You sleep longer.”

  “That is true,” she agreed.

  “There is more of you too.” He palmed her breast very gently through the fine cotton of her nightgown before his hand tugged at the opening of it, loosening the ribbon at the front. “They are so much darker, you see, not pale pink as usual, but almost brown now.” His finger gently traced her nipple. “I have read that it happens so that the baby could see better where to suckle.”

  Elizabeth’s expression fell. “I do not dare to hope that we could have been blessed so soon after…”

  He put his finger on her lips. “Shush.”

  She looked up into his eyes, and bit her lower lip. “I am afraid, if again…”

  He cupped her face and kissed her temple. “All will be well this time.”

  “How can you be so sure?”

  He smiled. “I have a good feeling about this one.” His hand went down to her midsection. “Trust me. Have I ever lied to you?”

  She shook her head.

  He squeezed her to him, palming her round bottom. “Run to dress yourself and have breakfast. You do want to go to see Jane as soon as possible, I gather.”

  Elizabeth smiled, sighed and listened to him.

  ***

  Jane sat on the sofa in the large front room in Mr. Cowlishaw’s home. Mary was snuggled into her side, her plump arms wrapped tightly around Jane’s waist. The girl did not talk, just held on to her. Jane’s heart tore at the sight of the little one. The child was so needy; perhaps her father did not hug her often enough. Mr. Bennet had been the same. He had been perhaps more affectionate with Lizzy, as his favourite, but he had rarely touched any of the daughters or sat them on his lap, even when they had been toddlers. Jane believed that children, both girls and boys, needed physical contact to be perfectly happy. She could best see it in the example of the little Gardiners, who, though often cuddled by their parents, were not in the least spoilt by their affection, only well loved.

  Jane took the opportunity of being alone with just the youngest girl and let her eyes wander about the room. Mr. Cowlishaw’s house was new, sturdy looking and truly spacious for a farmhouse. It could have been such a lovely house with the right wallpapers, curtains, carpets and furniture, and, first of all, a good cleaning. She could even see a pianoforte, covered with a fine layer of dust, which indicated it was not used often. It was a shame, because if there was an instrument, the girls could start to learn how to play.

  She heard footsteps and brought her eyes back to Mary. She did not want Mr. Cowlishaw to see her staring. She did not want to be rude.

  The two elder girls entered, holding the door for their father, who carried a tray with what seemed to be tea.

  Jane was about to stand up and help, but Cowlishaw grounded her with his pale green gaze.

  “We thought you would like some tea,” he said. He sounded a bit grumpy, as if displeased, but strangely Jane did not feel troubled or offended with his tone.

  “Yes, thank you,” she said sweetly.

  He grunted something under his breath, and his heavy gaze lay on his youngest daughter, who still clung to Jane’s side. The scowl on his face deepened.

  As no one made a move to help her, Jane poured herself a cup and added some sugar.

  She took a sip. “It is very good.”

  “I imagine Darcy should be here any minute,” Cowlishaw ensured.

  Abigail looked at her father and then at Jane. “Will you leave us?” she asked as she stepped closer to the woman.

  “Yes, I have to, I am afraid. My sister must be very worried,” Jane explained, but then added quickly, “But I can visit you, or you can come to Pemberley to see me.”

  Becky took a place on her other side. “You could stay with us.”

  Jane blushed and forced a nervous smile. “I cannot, I am afraid.”

  “Why not?” Abigail asked. “You have not got a husband.”

  “No, I have not.”

  “You could marry Papa,” the girl suggested.

  “Abigail, that it is quite enough,” her father spoke sharply.

  The child frowned, her chin stubborn. “Our last cook said that you would have to marry anyway, and that we would have a new mama. Miss Bennet is nice, and we like her. We do not want some horrible, nasty, old lady from Lambton!” she cried out.

  Cowlishaw stood up, muttering, “Abigail, go to your room, but first you will apologize to Miss Bennet.”

  The girl’s chin trembled, and she lowered her eyes. Jane pulled her closer in a compassionate gesture. “There is no need to apologize,” she said, her voice gentle as she stroked the child’s skinny back. “All is well.”

  The girl let out a quiet sigh and hid her troubled face in Jane’s shoulder.

  The clamor outside caught everyone’s attention, putting an end to an awkward situation. Jane followed the girls to the window to see the carriage from Pemberley. Cowlishaw hurried to open the front door.

  “Jane!” Elizabeth cried as she burst inside before the others.

  “Lizzy, I am here.” Jane said, her voice relatively calm.

  “We were so worried.” Elizabeth fell into her ope
n arms.

  “I am well, sister, entirely thanks to Mr. Cowlishaw.” She looked at the man who now stood with Darcy at the door. He found me. Had he not, I do not know what would have happened.”

  ***

  Despite Jane’s assurances that she was well, the doctor was sent for as soon as they returned to Pemberley. The man announced her that she fared well indeed after such an ordeal, and seemed to think that the bump on her forehead would slowly disappear without any serious repercussions.

  However, the same day, closer to the evening, Jane began to feel feverish. When the next day the doctor was summoned once again, he said what her sister had already guessed. The patient had developed a cold, and she should stay abed for the next days, so as not to turn it into something more serious.

  Jane was completely recovered in a week’s time and very anxious to join the family life downstairs. Darcy assured her that she should not have any fears now as Kirby and another drunkard who had helped him were now far away on a ship to Australia, where they would likely stay till the end of their days.

  ***

  “What is the matter, Jane?” Elizabeth enquired as she gazed at her elder sister.

  They were taking their walk, making the best use of the warm, March afternoon, looking for the first signs of spring time.

  “I am well, Lizzy.” Jane assured with an instant smile.

  Elizabeth watched her intently for a long minute. “You do not fool me, sister. Is it about that Kirby man who abducted you? Do you think about it still?”

  “No, of course, not.”

  “William feels so guilty that something like that happened to you here at Pemberley. He is worried that you cannot forget about it.”

  “I am not sad because of that accident; all ended well, and Mr. Darcy is the last person who should be blamed.”

  “Then what is it, Jane?” Elizabeth stopped. “I can see that something is troubling you.”

  Jane faltered for a while, then sighed. “It is about Mr. Cowlishaw.”

  Elizabeth moved closer, her expression stunned. “Mr. Cowlishaw?”

  “Yes, about him,” Jane confirmed and looked to the side. “We have not heard from him since that day, almost four weeks ago.”

  “William mentioned to me that Mr. Cowlishaw asked about you when they met in Lambton last time.”

  Jane’s face lit up. “He did?”

  Elizabeth nodded. “Yes, he heard about your cold. Such news spread fast.”

  Jane resumed their walk, and Elizabeth followed her, her expression confused.

  “Lizzy, could I take a phaeton for a few hours?” Jane asked, turning abruptly. “I will drive myself.”

  “Where do you want to go?”

  “I need to talk with him.”

  “With Mr. Cowlishaw?” Elizabeth guessed.

  The other woman nodded.

  “Jane,…” Elizabeth searched her sister’s face. “You like him, am I right?”

  Jane blushed prettily. “Yes… and I thought that he liked me too, but now he does not want to see me… so I am not sure any more.”

  “I am certain he admires you.”

  “You are?” Jane asked in a small voice, a new hope lingering in her tone.

  “I saw the way he looked at you, even William noticed, and you know how oblivious to such matters he can be.”

  Jane’s expression sulked. “I fear that he thinks that I am so above him socially that there is no point in even trying to get closer to me.”

  Elizabeth watched her sister for a moment, her expression thoughtful. “William will be away for the most of the day tomorrow. We shall take a carriage, and I will go with you. It is ten miles to Mr. Cowlishaw’s farm, I do not think that you should drive on your own.”

  “What about Mr. Darcy? What will he say?”

  Elizabeth shrugged and spoke with confidence. “He does not have to know about everything, for now at least.”

  ***

  Joe scoured the mare’s side with more force than necessary. Usually he was not involved in grooming horses personally, not any more. He had people for that, but today he wanted to distract himself. He had been worried when he had heard she was sick, but when he had talked with Darcy the last time, the man had ensured him that his sister-in-law had been on her way to recovery. Joe wanted to see her, but he knew that there was no point in trying to approach her. She was out of his reach. He had repeated it many times in the last weeks. That night when she had slept in his bed was already too much and had to be enough. In time he would get her out of his head. Perhaps it was time to start looking seriously for someone he could accept, someone suitable for him.

  He stilled, hearing a female voice asking for him. He strolled out of the stall, a frown on his face.

  “Miss Bennet?” he gulped.

  She walked closer. The day was warm for March, and she only wore a light blue dress and matching spenser. Again he was struck with her beauty.

  Her face brightened as she stood in front of him. “Good morning, sir.”

  “Good morning,” he murmured. “What brings you here, Miss Bennet?”

  His cold tone seemed not to deter her, because she kept smiling. “I hoped to see you after what happened to me, but there has been no opportunity so far, so I decided to come here. I want to thank you for your help that day and for saving my life.”

  He watched her. “You have already thanked me, if I recall. Mr. Darcy was also most generous.”

  That was true; as a token of gratitude, Darcy had gifted Joe with one of his best stallions, which was certainly a valuable addition to his stable.

  “Are you here alone?” he questioned.

  She shook her head. “My sister brought me. She is with the girls now.”

  “I am glad to see you in good health,” he said after a moment, not being sure what else there was to say.

  Her eyes were lowered to the ground for a while before she asked, quietly, “Mr. Cowlishaw, could we talk in private?”

  Without a word, he gestured the way.

  He led her through the whole length of the stable to the other end of the building, till they emerged on the back pasture.

  “No one will interrupt us here.” He stood with his back to the fence. “How can I help you, Miss Bennet?”

  She smiled, nervously. “You do not make it easy for me.”

  “I do not understand.”

  She hesitated. “It is not customary that women propose to men.”

  He could not help his heartbeat accelerating. “Do you know what are you saying?”

  “Yes.” She looked in his eyes. “Yes, I do.”

  He stepped to her, grasping her forearms. “It is not some fancy game? You are not toying with me?”

  She shook her head, her blue eyes unblinking.

  “I can ensure you a good living, not worse than you are used to, but I cannot ever give you what your sister has with Darcy. Never. Do you understand?” he shook her gently. “There will be no balls, parties and fancy trips.”

  “Do you care for me?” she asked only.

  “I told you once that I cared. Should I repeat it?”

  She smiled sweetly. “Yes.”

  Joe took a deep breath. “I think that you are lovely, that your being mine is more than I could have ever dreamt of,” he murmured softly. “I did not dare to come to you because I knew you were out of my reach…”

  Jane clung to him, her arms tightly wrapped around his neck.

  One arm went around her waist securely, his other hand placed on her delicate nape. “Jane Bennet, will you marry me?”

  “Yes,” she whispered into his ear.

  He pulled her away from him to look into her eyes. “I can hardly believe it.” He inhaled happily, his eyes admiring her pretty features. “What did I do to deserve you?”

  She smiled and scooted back into his arms. He cupped her face and kissed her, gently at first, but when she pressed to him with trust, he deepened the kiss. He could tell that she had no experience. Had al
l the men in the south of England been eunuchs or what?

  He drew back to see her lovely face flushed, her expression dreamy. “I should go to Hertfordshire to ask your father for your hand, though I rather expect him to run his dogs after me. After you sister’s marriage to someone like Darcy, your parents would expect nothing less from you.”

  Jane shook her head, her gloved hands supported on his chest. “Do not worry about Papa. I will give you a letter to him, explaining everything. The last time we talked, he said himself that I was of age, and I could decide for myself as I chose. He will not oppose us, but even if he did, I would not step back, though of course I wish for his blessing. As for my mother…,” her voice trailed away and she sighed, “I have come to terms with the fact that she will never accept any choice of mine after I rejected Mr. Bingley, unless I married at least a duke or some cousin of the Prince Regent, tenth in the line to the throne,” she laughed.

  Joe grinned. “So you have rejected some poor fellow, huh? I knew there must have been someone in your past. You are way too beautiful and sweet not to fall for. Who was that Bingley?”

  “A friend of Mr. Darcy.”

  “Rich?” he guessed.

  “Not like Mr. Darcy but…yes, rather wealthy,” Jane agreed reluctantly.

  Joe’s expression fell, and he searched her eyes. “Jane, are you sure of this? It is not too late for you to change your mind?”

  She gave him a steady look. “I have never been so sure of anything in my life. I want you, and I want to take care of the girls. I will be good to them, and I know they will grow to trust me, if you only liked me enough to tolerate me around you…”

  He laughed. “Tolerate you? You silly girl.” He squeezed her tightly to him. “I am so dumbstruck that you have come to me and want me. I cannot believe my own luck.”

  Jane placed her head on his shoulder, a happy sigh escaping. He liked that she was tall. His chin was about at the height of her forehead. He could still look down at her when necessary, but there was no need to bend in half to kiss her.

  Reluctantly, he freed her from his arms. “Let us return. Your sister must be worried about you.”

  She nodded but did not release him, instead taking his arm.

  As they were passing by one of the empty stalls, Joe glanced to check if it was clean enough, and without asking, pulled her inside. She gasped in surprise, but did not protest when he pressed her against the wall and took her mouth. She was sweet, willing and trusting as he kissed her.