The Feisty Traveler - A Quirky Memoir

by Lil Cromer

  My cabin mate

  Lil’s License to Laugh Cruise 2001

  I’d heard that if you get nine friends together, you go practically free, just paying port taxes. So, I organized a week’s cruise on the Carnival’s Jubilee, a cruise line I’d never take again. Staff was arrogant, there were too many kids, and the food was mediocre as were the shows. In spite of that we made a good time for ourselves. I organized lots of activities for our small group, two couples and the rest single women. Best joke contest, tackiest souvenir contest, describe your career or hobby, geography contests kept everyone engaged. When we got to Cozumel I told the group to chill while I walked to the line of Mexican guys standing alongside their vans trying to drum up business. I negotiated with a short pleasant man named Tico. For $25.00 each he took us to the museum, a National Park where some folks swam, a black pearl factory, a good place for lunch, a tour of the city and ending at an outdoor bar across the bay from our ship to watch the sunset and drink margaritas. When we got back onboard ship, a travel agent came over and asked how I knew to organize this city tour. It’s not rocket science I thought. The cruise lines intimidate cruisers by saying if they don’t take a cruise organized tour they might miss the sailing time and will be left behind. Ships typically charge double of what you can negotiate on your own.

  Singles Cruise 2000

  This cruise on the SS Norway was a disappointment. I thought the entire ship would be singles, not so, only a handful were single. I arrived early to the welcome cocktail party the first night out and ordered a drink. As the other singles straggled in, I introduced myself and asked their names. Kept that up until all thirty-five singles from our club arrived; I dazzled them with the fact that I could remember all their names, an innate talent. We all enjoyed the complimentary drinks and canapes and getting to know each other for the next couple of hours. Afterwards, the waiter handed me the bill assuming I was the host. Guess my natural born leadership traits fooled him. Turned out our club didn’t send a host because there were only thirty five guests.

  This was my first time cruising with Norwegian Cruise Lines and doubt whether I’ll return. While they did a lot of things right, I was disturbed by the lack of structure and discipline on the ship. For example, smokers paid no mind to the designated starboard side of the ship. Also jeans and tennis shoes were prevalent in the dining room on casual nights as well as after dinner on formal nights.

  I later read that the new president of NCL, Colin Veitch, undertook a bold move for a mainstream cruise line which is called “freestyle” cruising. His goal was to give cruisers the unstructured style of resorts. I think we were caught in the fluctuation period, which appears inequitable to cruisers who are used to the elegance associated with cruising. I found myself comparing this cruise to previous ones I’d taken on Holland American Line, and frankly preferred the structure and elegance of Holland American.

  Without a doubt my favorite part of this cruise was the bus tour of St. Maarten, split in two, the north side being French (St. Martin) with Marigot as its capital. The south side (my favorite) is Dutch (St. Maarten), with Philipsburg as the capital. It has a total population of 70,000 on 37 sq. miles and depends on tourism for their survival. They have a wonderful education system and all those who want to go to college and can’t afford it are provided scholarships. Over the years, several hurricanes have caused damage from mud slides, floods and winds. Unlike Florida, which is surrounded by salt water without the first desalination plant, St. Maarten has two desalination plants, thus no problem with potable water

  The “singles” part of the cruise was almost comical. I met a total of four single males on board: one was an eighty-seven year old from Houston, a real bore; another was a young eight-five year old Brit whose “lady friend” was unable to sail as she had to check into the hospital. He was an interesting guy and loved to dance. From Nashville, a tall drink of water was traveling with his sisters and he’d recently lost his wife. Country boys don’t do much for me. The fourth guy asked me for a date in the alternative dining room. He was a sixty-two year old German from Oregon who was tighter than bark on a tree — a retired thirty year bureaucrat, and a real weirdo. I don’t know what it is, but, for some reason, I seem to attract Germans. My father was an opinionated hard-headed German American, we never were close. My husband was of German descent, not quite as stubborn as my father, but strong nonetheless. I vowed to run from German males like a gazelle, but they seem to seek me out. Go figure!

  I met a fun loving sixty year old woman from Florida. Her roommate was a real drag, so I talked her into leaving the bore in the dust and hanging around with me. She and I giggled, laughed out loud, and thoroughly enjoyed each other’s company. One night we went up on deck for a Calypso Party which was canceled. Seems some man had a heart attack and died. The deck was roped off so the helicopter could land. On an earlier cruise, when taking a tour of the galley and the kitchen, I learned that corpses were stored in with the blueberries and lettuce in huge refrigerators until they could be transported off the ship.

  Panama Canal 1998

  Nine months after Hal’s death, I sailed out of Ft. Lauderdale for a sixteen day solo trip through the Panama Canal, a trip that was planned before my husband’s stroke. I bit the bullet and paid the obscene single supplement fee which was 150%, but didn’t regret the decision. It’s amazing how many couples who have traveled all over the globe have no clue what a single supplement is. Simply put it’s screw job without a kiss! Cruise lines despise putting a single person in their teeny cabins designed for two people. So they charge up to 200% for a single traveler. For example if a couple pays $2,000 for a Caribbean cruise, the single traveler pays in the neighborhood of $1800. Hefty single supplements are a bane of my existence, so I travel with Grand Circle Travel who waives SS on their land tours and charges reasonable fees on their cruises.

  I located my cabin in the center of the ship my stomach flip-flopping with anticipation. This solo odyssey would be a first for me. I’d planned this trip for months in my head, now to actually be sailing enticed me to sing “Somewhere Over the Rainbow” at the top of my voice while unpacking.

  Traversing the canal was a real education. A Panamanian engineer boarded the ship and provided commentary throughout the passage. Lake Gatun was absolutely gorgeous. I enjoyed wandering around the ports of call, except in Cartagena. When I spotted uniformed guards with machine guns on the dock, I decided not to explore that city, opting to stay onboard. My confidence grew as we went along; I realized I could venture out on my own and get along just fine.

  Holland America catered a picnic Easter Sunday on Half Moon Cay, a rather unique experience. I participated in Tai Chi on deck most mornings; many of the participants were of Asian ancestry. I had only recently learned Tai Chi but could already see the benefits of better balance and better breathing. When I returned I wrote a tongue-in-cheek essay about Tai Chi and sold it to a Tai Chi magazine. Here it is!

  Tai Chi Is Not the Owner of a Local Chinese Restaurant

  The image staring back at me in the mirror looked more like a penguin than a stork as I practiced my Tai Chi move, “White Stork Spreads Wings.” My once proportional body now consisted of rounded shoulders, broad hips, and a protruding abdomen, much like an eggplant. This deterioration of my body had to stop. Come on, I was only fifty, not ancient by today’s standards.

  I was rather surprised when I started getting old. I always thought it was one of those things that would happen to someone else. It was the little things I first noticed. Like the time I went roller skating, with my nephew, lost my balance, and landed with a giant thud on my knees. Or the time I played eighteen holes of golf after a lengthy layoff and my hips wouldn’t let me make a full turn. Or when I noticed that while backing my car up, my head wouldn’t rotate, and I was forced to turn my entire body around. Probably the most annoying of all occurred when I’d get up in the morning and my ankles were so stiff I had to duck walk to the bathroom.

  Ba
sically, I’m a healthy individual, only suffering from two minor muscle/tendon related problems, both non life-threatening, but no less distressing. My “military neck” (straight as opposed to a natural curvature) is the direct result of a breech birth; years ago a sharp tug through the birth canal was the approved solution. Consequently, I have experienced regular headaches from a pinched nerve in my neck as well as stiffness, and have been under chiropractic care for over thirty years. Several years ago, my sacroiliac became stressed when I thought I should be able to hit a golf ball as far as Jack Nicklaus. Today, I experience numbness in my right leg when standing for any length of time, as well as moderate lower back pain.

  Living in Florida, often referred to as God’s waiting room, I’ve witnessed countless seniors duck walking, stumbling, some using canes and walkers, others too proud to use them. I sure didn’t want to end up like that. So, I decided to take responsibility for my own health. That’s when a friend mentioned the benefits of Tai Chi for his bad back. “Who the heck is that?” I asked, “Does he make dim sum?”

  The ad read, “Tai Chi is a very practical art.” Pragmatic being my middle name, I signed up for beginner classes. It was a glorious day when I learned of the health benefits of these fluid rhythmic exercises.

  During those first few classes, I felt like one of those robotic stick men we used to draw in kindergarten. There was no way I could relax my large muscles enough to use the smaller ones. Subsequently, my lower back ached after each and every lesson. My patient instructor assuaged my persistent concerns that continuing would totally ruin my back. He assured me that the changes would come when they’re ready to come. Sort of like the answer I get from my ob/gyn when I ask her when the hot flashes will cease; “They’ll be over when they’re over,” she said. While this may be a truism, it’s not very encouraging.

  I discovered Tai Chi uses the mind rather than brute strength. And, since I’m not capable of pumping iron or jogging, coupled with being somewhat lazy, the slow gentle movement appealed to me. I loved the minimum efforts/maximum results concept. I also learned that most exercise is external and strenuous and requires a lot of energy. The older we get the less able we are to do these exercises. Practicing Tai Chi uses the inner layer of muscles, moving slowly and gently. Imitating graceful movements of birds and animals promotes good body alignment and efficient body mechanics.

  When I first began practicing the movements, I was a twenty-four hour a day caregiver for a partially paralyzed husband. My energy level was at a low ebb while my stress level was elevated. Within six months of regular Tai Chi, my energy returned to its typically high level, and I was better able to cope with the stress. Gradually, my lower back ache, stiff neck and sore thigh muscles abated. I learned to stretch and expand my posture gently and gradually. As a result, my joints became more flexible and my muscles, ligaments and tendons became looser. Later I began to feel movement in my spine, shoulders and pelvis.

  Some of the seniors in my class, especially those in their eighties, have become more agile and healthier as a result of regular Tai Chi, even those who practice the moves from a seated position. So, there must be something in the fact that it purports to have healing powers. In my own case, I have noticed an improvement in my vitality and well-being.

  I’ve picked up some habits, helpful ones I believe, since learning the benefits of Tai Chi. For an example, when waiting in line at the food store, I stand on one foot and then the other — one little boy asked me if I was related to a flamingo. I put my shoes and socks on standing up, and, after my shower I dry my feet standing up, one leg at a time of course. It’s almost difficult to appreciate and accept the improved balance and agility I’ve realized in the last few years.

  How fortunate I was to learn the 108 moves of the Taoist Tai Chi set from verbal instruction of a competent master who truly loved to instruct. “Be relaxed but don’t collapse,” he was fond of saying. Tai Chi is the ultimate form of exercise with benefits like reduced stress and anxiety, plus improved flexibility, proper balance and concentration.

  The demands are small, but the rewards are great. A few minutes per day, every day and some open space is all it takes. I’ve tailored the set to suit me, a half loaf is better than none. Rather than commit to doing the entire set every day, a commitment I was sure I wouldn’t honor, I do the first thirty moves. Master Moy noted that five minutes of Taoist Tai Chi once a day is better than two hours once a week. “Ward off monkey” keeps my hip joints lubricated, “Needle to sea bottom” stretches my sacroiliac, “Whip to one side” stretches my spine and the “Brush knee and twist step” keeps my neck muscles loose. Overall, the tension and tightness in my entire body has gradually disappeared.

  A favorable spin off has been monthly massage therapy where I’ve discovered exactly what “chi” is. When I get up off the table the intrinsic energy emanates from my entire body. Ill health is said to come as a result of impairments in the flow of this vital energy through the body.

  So dedicated am I now, that I’ll religiously practice my thirty moves daily, no matter where I am — hotel corridors in Las Vegas, Omaha, San Diego, Chicago, the decks of cruise ships; producing stares from the unenlightened.

  As I enter my fifth year of Tai Chi, I’m a true believer. Practiced diligently, the movements help restore and maintain good health. Our Western thinking splits the mind and the body into separate units, while the Taoist tradition believes they are closely related. I’ll admit to the fact that I have not achieved the meditative aspects of Tai Chi, and probably never will, but it matters not. What I have achieved is relaxation at the muscular level, and feel healthy, happy and content.

  Now if only twenty pounds would miraculously melt off of my body!

  *

  Two women I met the first night out were both named Dorothy. Kiddingly I told them it wouldn’t do, one had to be Dot. How easily they acquiesced. Dorothy, the elder, was married to the captain of a cruise ship years earlier. Dot, a retired engineer, had just lost her husband. We bonded immediately and met each night at happy hour occupying the same stools. When we docked at the quaint sleepy port of Huatulco, Mexico, Dorothy invited me to go into town with her, but made me promise to let her do the talking — she spoke fluent Spanish.

  It took nine hours to traverse the canal, what a site to behold! Modern technology is no better today than the technology of 1914. Gatun Lake was breathtaking and serene. Panama reminded me of Miami Beach.

  One of my favorite ports was San José, the capital of Costa Rica. I took a fascinating bus ride through the countryside stopping at a factory that made colorful ox carts. This progressive small country is basically Catholic, yet most practice birth control. The literacy rate is 97% and there is no welfare if you don’t work. Our guide said, “Not so much as an aspirin tablet if you don’t work!”

  A trio of table mates from California entertained me each night at dinner — a couple and their teenage daughter. He was a coach who taught me the seven Ps which I still use today when mentoring youngsters. Prior Proper Planning Prevents Piss Poor Performance!

  When we arrived in Acapulco, I was appalled at the condition of the bay. The people have been dumping sewage into this once beautiful bay. What a shame!

  A few cold hard facts of demographics: There are more women than men to start with and they live longer. The result is that for a lot of women, sailing through older age is going to be a solo act. Cruise ships have gotten wise to the fact that single women passengers will have a better time if they meet someone on board who dances with them into the wee hours, brings lively conversation to the dinner table and in general makes sure they don’t feel alone at sea on a Noah’s ark full of paired-off couples. After all, the “Love Boat” wasn’t about reading a book alone in your cabin every night. These gentlemen hosts enjoy all the ship’s services but are expected to fulfill their jobs as part of the entertainment staff. Their at-sea days are spent partnering up with women during dance classes and joining them during cocktail hour
s. They generally host a dinner table of eight — usually a group of women traveling alone or with a woman friend; their jobs are to make sure no one is left out of the conversation. After dinner, you can find them in one of the ship’s lounges, dancing with the unattached women until the music stops playing. On shore days, their option is to go off on their own or represent the cruise line on one of the group tours.

  No hanky-panky is allowed, not even a smooch good night. But women have been known to have such a good time that they inquire whether a particular host will be onboard a ship before they book a second cruise.

  I was so impressed with these hosts that I wrote the following upon returning home.

  Ladies, are you concerned that a conventional cruise may be an unpleasant experience for solo travelers? Generally we think of cruising primarily as a couples experience and all but the most outgoing single may end up feeling like a sixth finger. My cruise through the Panama Canal dispelled these fears. Gentlemen hosts, a half a dozen dapper men, were on board as goodwill ambassadors solely for the purpose of ensuring single women have a memorable, entertaining cruise.

  As we sailed out of the harbor and onto the ocean, the on-deck band started to play. The gentlemen hosts selected partners and began dancing on the decks. These hosts are energetic single men who live onboard and not only serve as dance partners to single women but provide friendly company and pleasant conversation for dinner and excursions ashore as well. Each night in the dancing rooms you see the same six men on the floor entertaining the women. It was pointed out to me, by the ship’s Social Director, that these men are not gigolos but simply distinguished men who enjoy traveling and dancing.

  These hosts must be single, over fifty, retired or semi-retired who love to dance and are young at heart. They break the ice by being first on the dance floor when no else wants to be first. They not only dance with single women but also with wives traveling with non-dancing husbands. I found these hosts to be very mannerly and good minglers with infectious smiles.