My Forever (The Next Door Boys)

by Jolene B Perry

  “I bet.” He looks down for a moment before resting his gaze on me. “You’re the bravest person I know, Dani.”

  “No way.” I shake my head. “I’m scared of everything.”

  “Brave people are scared too, they just do the right thing—like you.”

  I don’t feel like I deserve the praise, but I love it coming from Michael anyway.

  “You do the right thing too,” I say. Michael is the best sort of man.

  “Maybe.” He pauses. “But it’s a lot harder than I let on.”

  I’m not exactly sure what he means by his comment. It feels off limits for me to ask. He looks at me very intently for a moment.

  “Quiero decirte te quiero.” It comes out before I can stop it. I want to tell you I love you.

  “That sounds beautiful. What did you say?”

  “Quiero decirte te quiero,” I say again, teasing. “You’ll learn Spanish and then you’ll know what I said.” My Spanish isn’t great, just passable, so I’m hoping I got it right.

  “That seems completely unfair.” He chuckles. “But I like to hear you speak Spanish. I wasn’t sure if you did.”

  “I’m not fluent. My mom left Mexico in Mexico…except for the food.”

  We sit quiet in the boat for a few moments. “Well, we should take off.” Michael stands up. “I don’t know if I can find my way back in the dark.” He starts the boat and we head home.

  It seems abrupt, and like I’m suddenly not sure why he came. Why do we keep having these nice relaxed moments followed by separation? And what will it be like to let him go for real?

  ~ ~ ~

  The final bits of summer pass too quickly in sounds of Pike Market, fish throwing, delightful peach smell and dinner with Michael’s parents.

  We’re eating dinner now, but it’s quiet. Michael leaves tomorrow. I feel sick. I can’t eat. I have nothing to say. I’ve leaned on him too much. I know this. We haven’t been alone since he took me out on the boat a week ago , but it’s still going to be awful to let him go.

  I bring my camera. They’re all so good looking that I can’t wait to see how the pictures turn out. But it’s all part of saying goodbye. The overly chipper chit-chat after dinner. Posing for pictures on the porch. All of it. It makes me sick again.

  “I just want to crash here.” Jackie whines at the end of our night. “I don’t want to drive all the way home.”

  “What about Dani?” Her mom asks.

  “Dani can just stay here, too.” She looks over at me smiling.

  “Yeah, it’s no big deal. Jackie doesn’t need to go home just because of me. If it’s okay that I’m here.” I feel like there’s no way to make sure no one is inconvenienced. Part of me wants to stay but that same part of me realizes that just means that I’ll say goodbye to Michael tonight and then again in the morning. I want to spare myself the torture. I want my bed.

  “I’ll take you home.” Michael stands up.

  “But your family…” I protest.

  “They’re driving me all the way to the MTC in Utah. We’ll get a chance to be together. Let’s go.” He gestures toward the door.

  He reaches down to help me off the couch. His hands clasp both of mine firmly but gently, as he lifts me to standing. Only four more weeks to go, and I can’t imagine this belly four weeks bigger than it already is. I’m really starting to panic over parents. I just don’t want to make the wrong decision.

  “Thank you for inviting me.” I smile briefly at his family.

  “You’re welcome here anytime, Dani. Don’t make yourself a stranger just because Michael’s gone, okay?” Heidi waves.

  “Okay, thanks. I don’t think Jackie would let me get away with that anyway.” I try to fold my arms in front of me but my large tummy is in the way, and everything feels awkward.

  Michael opens the car door for me to help me get inside. We’re alone.

  “So, still having a hard time deciding on parents?” Michael asks as we head down the road.

  “Yeah. I keep expecting someone to jump out at me, to see a picture and just know, but it hasn’t happened yet.”

  “It will.”

  “I hope so.” I put my hands on my belly. “I know she’s not mine, but I can’t imagine parting with her unless I’m sure.”

  He reaches over and takes my hand in his. It’s been a long time since he’s done that. The warmth of his hand slowly spreads up my arm, through my chest and then continues to disperse through my body. I feel my hand squeeze his, just slightly.

  I lay my head back on the headrest and close my eyes, and pretend for just a minute. I pretend I’m not having a baby, and that he’s not leaving, and that we’re out together, and he’s holding my hand for a reason other than just trying to comfort me. Just as the feeling washes over me, little girl kicks. Hard. I suck in a breath.

  “Are you okay?” He tenses next to me.

  “Just getting kicked. That’s all.” I pull the hand he’s using to hold mine, and put it to my stomach. “Here, feel.”

  He shifts in his seat, probably uncomfortable, but I don’t care. I press his hand flat down and hold it there, knowing that’s where her legs are. She’ll kick him any second. We both wait.

  “Holy cow!” He laughs. She got him good. “Doesn’t that hurt?”

  I laugh too. “Not usually.” Her movements turn more into pushes rather than big kicks, but he can feel her moving around just the same.

  “This is amazing.” He keeps one hand on the steering wheel and the other on my stomach.

  “I hope I didn’t make you uncomfortable.” I let go of his hand so he can take it back.

  “At first maybe, but it was totally worth it.” We continue on in silence. He parks his car fairly close to the gate to my house.

  He runs out to open my door and helps me out of the car. I kind of need it. We both laugh at how clumsy I am now. Maybe he’s feeling as awkward and nervous as I seem to be. I stop at the gate with my electronic card. “Thanks for the ride.” I expect him to leave.

  “I’ll walk you down.”

  “Okay.” I figured he’d be anxious to get back home, but I’m thrilled he isn’t.

  He follows me to the door.

  I stop and turn toward him, once again expecting him to tell me goodbye.

  “Let’s sit for a bit,” he suggests.

  I’ll take every minute I can get.

  We sit next to one another on the dock, rolling up our pant legs and resting our feet in the cool water.

  I’m enjoying the quiet, but there’s tension, the kind that gives me butterflies I never want to go away. There’s also probably a lot to say, but I don’t know how to say it. He’s leaving. We won’t get to talk. We’ll get to send emails that he’ll check on Mondays. This is what we’ll get for two years. We sit close, letting our legs touch and watching our feet in the water. At some point in time I realize he’s looking at me. He leans toward me, just a little and hesitates for a moment. I don’t move. Don’t breathe. He’s so close.

  I remember our graduation night, and hope I can recover if he pulls away again. He leans closer, brushes his lips against mine, then pulls back just slightly.

  “I’m sorry.” He breathes out, not moving. “I know this is really terrible timing.”

  Our faces are close. I can’t look away from his brown eyes.

  “I’m about to leave…”

  “And I’m about to have a baby…” I kind of laugh.

  He starts to pull away, taking my comment as an affirmative that this isn’t the best idea, but I lean toward him. He immediately leans in to kiss me again. He isn’t as soft and careful as he was the first time.

  I reach my arm around his neck to pull him closer. We kiss again and again. His hand grasps my shoulder and back and his lips feel more desperate against mine each time we come together. My whole body tingles with his touch and the tightening of my stomach muscles make my belly feel funny. The muscles are already stretched too tight.

  I almost laugh. />
  “What?”

  “It feels funny.”

  He looks hurt.

  “Not you,” I explain. “You sent shivers down my body and it just feels weird going through my tummy because everything’s displaced.” I look down and put a hand on either side of my stomach.

  “Sorry,” he says as he pulls away.

  “Did you not mean to do that?” I ask quietly. I’m afraid to hear his answer.

  “No. I did.” He’s still looking solidly into my eyes. “I’ve never wanted to kiss a girl like I’ve wanted to kiss you. I wasn’t sure if you felt the same.”

  It seems crazy. I think back to our high school and the girls I know liked him. Why me? And how could he not know how I feel? I feel like everything I do around him betrays how I feel.

  “I just don’t want to confuse things more for you.”

  “My life is already confused, or haven’t you noticed?” I try to joke with him. I do not want him feeling bad for kissing me.

  “I have.” We sit in silence for a few more minutes. I like it. I know he’s just thinking, trying to come up with the right thing to say that’s also the honest thing. “I’m leaving. It doesn’t matter that I’d really like to stay here with you.”

  “It matters to me.” I lean my head on his shoulder and he takes my hand in his and rests them on his lap. I’m enjoying the peace that comes with independence. If I want to talk or I need people around, I now have the church. Just that simple thought will keep me from being lonely, even though I’ll often be alone. He reaches up with his hand and touches my cheek. He touches underneath my chin, pulling my face toward his. We kiss again. It’s even better than the last time.

  He starts to pull away but I keep him close. I can’t get enough.

  “I’m sorry. I’m creating a mess here,” he says, pulling away slightly. He holds me tightly, our faces so close together that I don’t try to look at him. “I don’t know what to tell you right now. I’ve wanted to do that for a long time. I’ve been completely unfair to you, keeping you closer than I should, but not telling you how I feel. It’s just. I’ve tried to push it away, knowing what you were doing, knowing what I was doing and when I realized you could be married when I come back. You could be gone and living your own life, I had to kiss you.”

  “Thank you.” What a ridiculous thing to say to Michael’s admission of how much he likes me.

  “Can I walk you in? I have to go.” He looks like he might cry. His eyes are watery and his voice shakes. I don’t think I can take it if he cries.

  “Help me up?” I ask.

  He reaches his hands down and easily pulls me to my feet. We go through the side door into my tiny room. I sit down on my bed, lean against the wall and stretch my legs out in front of me. He sits on the bed facing me. All I can think about is how badly I want to be close to him.

  “I feel like a big jerk just leaving you like this.” He takes one of my hands and touches my face with the other.

  “Please don’t. I’ll write to you and let you know how things go. I’ll let you know when I find those perfect parents.” I try to smile, but I’m afraid I’ll cry if I let my face move too much.

  “Okay.” I expect for him to move away, but he doesn’t. “I want to tell you something, but I’m afraid to.”

  “Really? After all that?” I desperately want to know what he’s thinking.

  “Part of me wants to stay right here with you. We could be together and live like poor little church mice and raise that sweet baby girl…” I can see tears on his face now. He takes my hands in his and brings them to his face.

  I can’t believe he wants this with me. We can’t have it. Not now. It sucks, but that’s how it is. We both feel it. We can both ignore that feeling but then what’ll happen? I’m not sure. I don’t want to find out.

  Just part of me does.

  “She doesn’t feel like my baby,” I tell him. “You’ll get to do for someone else what you and the missionaries did for me.”

  “I’m glad you said that because right now, I’m trying really hard to remember why this is so important.” He uses both our hands to wipe his face, unwilling to let my hands go.

  “It’s that important.” I need him to know how important it is. I’m getting good at doing the right thing, even when it tears me apart.

  “So we’re not allowed to say how much we miss each other and we’re not allowed to plan what we’ll do when I come back, okay?”

  I nod.

  “It’ll make us both crazy.” He’s slowly inching closer. “You live your life like I don’t exist, except for writing me, and I’ll be a missionary like I don’t have the most precious girl in the world at home.” His chin quivers as he tries to hold in his tears.

  I don’t have words. It’s so much. He puts his hands on either side of my face and kisses me again. We’re both soaking up as much of the other, and each moment feels a little more desperate than the last.

  “See you soon.” His arms come around me, pulling us together, pressing my belly against him. I tighten my arms around his neck and wish beyond anything I’ve ever wished for before that I don’t have to let him go.

  I don’t want to do the rest of this alone. But I will. I know I will.

  “See you soon.” I breathe out.

  I close my eyes as he walks away, and my door shuts behind him. That’s something I can’t bring myself to watch. I don’t want that to be the last picture of Michael. I want to remember how his eyes looked into mine.

  I keep in my tears until I know he’s close to the gate, and let myself cry. I’m here alone tonight. I can cry all I want to. The thought is comforting.

  “It’s you and me now little girl,” I whisper as I rub my tummy gently.

  I scoot down further in my bed and let the tears flow.

  Elder Mason,

  I promise not to break our ‘rules.’ The weather here is still gorgeous. Wow, that’s funny. One sentence into not saying what I want to say and I have to talk about the weather.

  Jackie sat by me on the couch the other day and looked through my pictures of Seattle. She was impressed and you know what a nice compliment that is coming from her. Anyway, she begged to get a few framed for our house but she came home with way more than that. Tanya said I can sell them down at her fruit stand. I don’t know if they’ll sell or not, but it’s kind of fun just the same.

  I hope your weeks in the MTC go well. Good luck with the language, I can’t wait to hear all about Puerto Rico when you’re there. I looked at pictures online and think it’s beautiful. Too bad you’re under such restrictions as a missionary. I don’t think I could stay out of the water.

  Love,

  Dani

  I feel brave for writing love at the bottom, but it’s a letter so it feels okay.

  17

  Jackie knocks and then just walks into my room. “Okay, no more moping. It’s been a week. I’m headed to Portland to see about a dress for this big fundraiser my mom does every year. You’re coming with me.”

  “To Portland?” I ask.

  “Yep, it’s a cool place near downtown. Bring your camera.”

  I get dressed in the only pair of jeans that still fit, and meet Jackie in the living room. She’s spent an extra long time getting ready. I can tell by the perfectly placed hair, and precision makeup job. She’s a knockout with nothing extra, but she’s stunning today. This must be a big deal for her.

  “So, who are we going to see?”

  “Oh, she’s amazing. Her name is Lori Tressman. She used to be on her own, but now she works with her sister in law, Leigh. Their shop is in Portland and since this is a special dress for a specific occasion, they’ll fit me in person.”

  “Wow.” I’d never taken the time to even imagine such a thing. It seems like only movie stars get to have dresses made for them. Movie stars and Jackie.

  ~ ~ ~

  Jackie is irritated that we can’t find a parking spot closer. I don’t care. The heat of the summer is over, a
nd even though I’m ridiculously big, it feels good to stretch my legs after such a long time in the car. I keep stopping to take pictures, mid-afternoon lighting isn’t ideal, but the old brick building still makes interesting shadows, and I’m excited to see what I can do with them once I get them on my computer.

  “Here we are!” Jackie holds open the door. I look around in wonder. Every piece of clothing in here is beautiful and interesting. There are romantic fun pieces and really edgy pieces. I’m not a fashion girl. I grew up with parents who are not only conservative but generally a bit poor. The shop is an experience. As I look around I realize Jackie probably buys a lot from here.