My Forever (The Next Door Boys)
Page 15
“Oh Dani. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you.” Leigh tilts her head with a confused expression. She reaches out and wipes the tears from my face.
“It’s okay. Just hormones.” I try to shake it off. “Makes me crazy.” I attempt a laugh.
Brian comes with food and we all start to eat. I have no idea what I’m eating, but it’s salty, and tastes delicious. The food is a good diversion. Nathan will be the big brother. He’ll be a good big brother. I picture him sitting on the couch posing for endless photos with a small baby girl on his lap. The picture in my head almost makes me cry again.
I learn a lot about them over lunch. Brian used to be military. He’s a convert like me—baptized by Leigh’s brother. Brian and Leigh met because Brian was Leigh’s brother’s roommate in college. I also learn that Leigh once dated Noah Watson.
There wasn’t a girl in my school that didn’t have a crush on Noah Watson. He’s been in three movies in the past two years and is completely gorgeous. Both she and Brian laugh at that. It makes me feel young and silly, but I don’t mind. I haven’t felt that way in a long time.
Brian looks at Leigh all the time. He looks at her like there’s nowhere else he’d rather be. It’s easy to see how much they love one another. I don’t see many couples look at each other that way, which makes me feel more settled and relaxed about my decision.
The reality of the situation is also settling in. I’ve been carrying this little girl, and she isn’t going to be mine to have. It reminds me of saying goodbye to Michael, wanting him so much, but understanding it wasn’t right. Not then. Maybe not ever. That feels small compared to this. I know this is right, but I’m starting to get a glimpse of how hard it’s going to be.
Leigh stands up. “I have to use the restroom. I’ll be right back.”
Brian watches her walk away. “I would do anything for that woman.” When he looks back at me he’s still smiling. “Thanks Dani, for letting us just hang out like this. I think it was nice for Leigh. She loves being around pregnant women. I keep thinking it has to be hard for her, but she swears it’s like therapy.”
Nathan gets up and walks out to the railing overlooking the sound. Another Ferry Boat is about to dock. I’m completely tied up in knots with what I’m about to do.
“I want to do this.”
Brian looks at me and swallows once. “Are you sure? I mean, really, really sure?”
“I don’t want to do any of it.” I shake my head. “I don’t want to be far away from home, wherever that is, and I don’t want to be pregnant, and I don’t want to have to say goodbye to this baby, and I don’t want to be missing my best friend who’s serving a mission, but it’s what my life is. I know, I mean know and have known that this baby would belong to someone else.”
He scoots next to me and puts his arm around me. I barely know him, but I lean in anyway. He has such a nice feeling about him. Right now I just need someone. “Do you want to be around us , Dani? To get to know us more? Or do you want me to leave you alone and not accidentally run into you anymore?”
“I think I’d like to see you once in a while. If that’s okay.” They’re such cool people. I see right away that I want to be part of their lives, if they’ll have me. I don’t want it to be just because I’m giving them a baby. I want it to be because they like me.
“I know I’d prefer that, and I’m sure my wife would too.” He looks at me closely. “I’m afraid that this isn’t a real yes from you.” He looks over his shoulder to see if Leigh is coming back. “You seem like the kind of person who would do anything to make the people around you happy. I want to make sure you want to do this.”
“It’s a real yes, Brian.” I reach into my back pocket and pull out the picture I got from my doctor. I put my email address on the back. “You can tell her. I don’t think I can.” I know I won’t be able to say the words again. “This was taken this morning. I don’t do drugs, I don’t smoke, and I don’t drink. Everything indicates that the baby’s perfect and healthy. Oh, and it’s a girl.”
Brian brings a hand to his face just briefly and presses the outside corners of his eyes. “I…I don’t even know what to say, how to express…”
I need to do the business part before I lose it. The breaking apart I feel is starting to spread. “I’ll call tomorrow and give the church your names. We’ll still go through them. It keeps it free for me, and I think cheaper for you.”
“I don’t care, Dani. Whatever you want you can have.” He means it.
“I’d like to be Auntie. Can I do that?” I say it before thinking. I realize I’m asking to be part of their lives in a huge way. I shake my head. “I’m sorry, that’s presumptuous of me or…”
He takes my hand and looks at me. “We’d love that, Dani. Honestly, we’d want to continue to be friends with you no matter what you decide to do.” He sits back in his chair and lets go of my hand. “You’re a cool girl.”
“Okay. I gotta get back to work.” I smile at him before the tears start to come. “I’m glad you’re the one telling your wife.”
“You have no idea,” he says.
I have some idea just after watching him with her.
I stand up. “Thanks for lunch.”
He kind of laughs and nods a couple times. Right, that’s funny. He got my lunch tab, and I’m giving them a baby. The thought helps me regroup a little bit.
“Bye Dani!” Nathan waves frantically from the railing.
“Bye!” I wave back. “We’ll see you soon!”
I don’t think I can go back to work today. Actually, I don’t know how many more days I want to do period. I’m relieved once again that I have money stashed away. I’ve spent almost nothing all summer.
19
“You’re looking especially thoughtful today.” Jackie says as she comes in from work.
“I met with Brian and Leigh.” She reads my expression immediately.
“Big decision, huh?”
“Yeah.” I let my head rest on the back of the couch. “I’m really getting tired of those.”
She laughs. “I bet.” She looks at me for a moment. “Well, you obviously look like you don’t want to go anywhere , but let me order some sort of delicious meal for us.”
I’m used to her generosity by now and I’m getting really good at saying, “Thanks.”
“I’m going to call our home teachers over. You need one of those fabulous Mormon blessings, and I’m sure you’d never ask.” She winks.
“That would actually probably be good.”
“I like having you here, Dani. It makes my problems seem ridiculous.” She sits down on the couch and puts her arm around me.
“Glad I can help.” I laugh.
“And Brian and Leigh!!” She claps her hands in excitement. “They’re so cool… Oh!” She looks at me more seriously then. “I wonder if they’ll give us a discount?”
~ ~ ~
The next morning I have an email from Brian.
Dani-
I’ve said nothing to my wife yet. I wanted to give you time. Are you still sure?
Brian
I answer back in one word. Yes.
~ ~ ~
I’m packing up and locking up at the Pike Place stand. It’s my last day. I’m about to start putting my savings account into use. I still have most of my original two grand plus a couple thousand from working the fruit stand. It’s not a lot, but fortunately, thanks to Jackie, my expenses are small. I’m just about to walk home when I see Leigh Wright coming toward me. He’s told her. It’s all over her face.
“I promised Brian I wouldn’t do this, but I had to.” Her chin quivers, and she doesn’t stop until her arms are around me. She holds me until I relax and let myself feel what she wants me to feel.
I’m crying only because I can’t keep the stupid tears off my face.
“Dani, you have no idea. And I promise that after this I won’t come and surprise you or anything unless you say it’s okay , but before I let you go I want you
to know that I’d spend all day, every day with you, and that I want you to call me if you need anything or feel lonely or want to go for lunch or just want to get to know us better, okay?”
“Okay.” I can feel her nervous excitement and gratitude in every touch and in every word. “If you let me go, you could walk with me to the bus stop.” I laugh. I have to break away. It’s too intense for me right now , but I like Leigh. I like being around her. She feels good in the same way her husband feels good and in the same way that Michael feels good and Jackie feels good—when she wants to.
And this is it. It’s done. Baby girl has parents.
~ ~ ~
Elder Mason,
Found parents. They’re so perfect. It makes this whole thing seem more real. You’d think the baby kicking my ribs in the middle of the night would do it, but it was this. This decision that did it. This baby is coming and then she’ll go home with them. I know it’s the right thing. It’s just hard to remember.
They’re a neat couple and live right here in Seattle. Brian is the husband. He has an eight year old son from a previous marriage but the kid, Nathan, calls Leigh, Mom, and lives with them all the time. I told Brian first that I wanted to work with them, and he asked me to not indicate to his wife at all until I was sure. I let him tell her after I was gone. I can’t describe the love that they have between them. It’s something really special. I’ve met with them a couple other times. Leigh about smothered me in hugs after Brian told her.
They want me around as much or as little as I want. That makes it nice for me. I kind of like the idea of being Auntie Dani, especially since I’m so removed from my family.
I don’t know what this will be like. I’m scared. I’m scared of sitting in that hospital all alone and not being able to bear it. I’m sorry, I’m dumping too much on you again. I promise to continue to be prayerful. Some guys from church came the other night to give me a blessing. The due date is coming fast. I’m not working anymore. I’m just trying to eat everything in the house.
Keep doing your good works. You’re more than a month in already,
Dani
~ ~ ~
Labor is like nothing I could have ever prepared for. I’m grateful over and over that I had a blessing only a few nights before. It happens so fast there isn’t time for drugs or anything. She’s born before the hospital can call Brian and Leigh. It’s okay. I’m sitting here now with a baby girl in my arms.
The nurse frowns in disapproval. She knows what’s happening, and doesn’t think I should be trying to bond with the small baby nestled next to me.
I’m so thankful for this short time. I look down at her new little face. I can’t even begin to describe the spirit in the room. It fills me, warms me, and wraps me up. “I’m your auntie little thing, your mommy and daddy will be here soon.”
The nurses have her all bundled up tightly with a tiny pink cap on her head. Her initial crying is over, and she’s fast asleep in my arms. I let myself think about how I’d feel if I was taking her home. The thought is terrifying, which gives me some relief. As sad as I am to see her go, she’s not mine. She’ll be in someone else’s eternal realm.
The nurse finally leaves . I t’s just me and my little girl now. I snuggle her warm body close to mine and kiss her softly on the forehead. She isn’t being taken from me. She’s going where she belongs. The time with Brian and Leigh have made me feel like I’m not only welcome, but wanted.
I hear a very quiet knock on my door. This is it. We worked all this out with the office beforehand. They were worried about how we wanted to do this. It took several assurances from me.
“Come on in.”
It’s Leigh, followed by Brian . T hey must have found somewhere for Nathan to be. She looks hesitant and steps in slowly. Brian is right behind her, his hand in hers. I wave with my left hand for her to come over. Little girl is in my right.
“I have your little girl,” I say. I realize that I have tears on my face at the same time I see tears streaming down Leigh’s face.
She stands next to my bed. Her eyes go from the baby and then back to me. “Dani… I don’t…” She’s holding her hands close to her chest. She’s afraid to reach out.
“Leigh.” She looks up at me then .
I have never in my life felt the Spirit like I do now. This is what I wanted on my baptism day, and when I was confirmed. When I knew Lucas wasn’t right, and when I knew Michael had to leave. All those times it was so quiet, but not now.
I don’t know what I’m going to say until I say it. “This is all your moment Leigh, soak it up, breathe her in. They said you can take her to the nursery, and you don’t have to go home until she does.”
“Dani.” Her chin is quivering and the tears are still coming down her face. “You are an absolute angel. You will be in my prayers every day until I die.” She takes my face in her hands and kisses my forehead.
I hold out the small baby and she carefully takes her from me. Brian puts his arms around his wife, and I watch them standing there, looking down at the baby in Leigh’s arms.
The picture is exactly what I wanted. It’s the part of all this that I want to remember. Brian’s eyes catch mine, and I just nod. He looks back in understanding. It’s time for them to go. I can’t have them in here any longer.
Leigh’s in her own world. Her eyes will see nothing but that baby girl for a long time. Brian leads her out of the room. He takes two big steps back over to my bed, and also gives me a kiss on the forehead.
He doesn’t have words. I don’t either.
I do my best to smile as I watch him follow his wife out of the room, and then I cry in earnest. The sobs shake my body, and no amount of pain-killer could touch what I feel.
Jackie walks in a few moments later. She doesn’t say a word, just climbs into my bed and wraps her arms around me like a sister. I grasp her arms, and pray that the peace of my decision will overcome everything else I feel. At some point in time I finally fall asleep.
~ ~ ~
Dear Elder Mason,
Her name is Eliza Claire Wright. She’s the most remarkable little thing you’ve ever seen. I couldn’t possibly explain the experience. I won’t even try until I see you again in person. I did it though. I did it, and I survived. Jackie is one of the best, kindest people I know. Don’t laugh. She saved me.
It’s been a week, and I haven’t gone to see Eliza yet. I’m not ready. Brian is less nervous and emotional than his wife, or at least he hides it better so we’ve worked out a code - I send him an email. I don’t even have to say anything, and he’ll call me or email me back. This way they don’t feel pressure to be always sending me something, but if I want something, I can ask. I’ve sent two emails asking for a picture, he wrote back both times almost immediately with more pictures than I could count. He invited me over, but I need to wait a while longer. I know it’s not even Thanksgiving, but your dad and his wife invited me on vacation for Christmas. I might try my grandparents. I miss my family. I need something to do.
So, I wanted you to know that I think the hardest part is all over, and now that it’s not hanging out there, I’m not sure what to do with myself. Maybe I’ll start school next semester, though all I really want to do is take pictures. For the first time in my life, I’m okay with not knowing exactly what’s coming next. I’m sure it will be good.
Take care of yourself,
Love,
Dani
Dani-
You are the most courageous, faithful soul I’ve ever met. The Lord will bless you in ways you cannot even begin to comprehend. I can feel it.
Love You So Much,
Elder Mason
PART 2
Eliza’s home with her family.
I’m not speaking with mine.
Michael’s gone on his mission.
And I don’t know how to pass the time.
Aren’t I clever?
I have absolutely no idea what to do with myself. At all.
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