by Dan Danko
“Soap tastes bad!” Super Vision Lad shouted. “Fine. I’ll just call you Super Vision Lad. How’d you like to go play in the park across the street?”
“Soap tastes bad!” Super Vision Lad shouted, and head-butted me in the stomach.
We walked across the street to the park. Well, it used to be a park. About a month ago, Sunburneo attacked the League of Big Justice with his solar satellite. His calculations were off a bit (he forgot to carry the “2”) and instead of melting the League of Big Justice, he just burned the park across the street to a crisp. Now it was just a vacant field with a melted slag heap that used to be monkey bars.
Super Vision Lad and I sat on the blackened grass and suddenly, a very strange thing happened. No, Super Vision Lad didn’t stop kicking me in the shin. Nor did he stop yelling “The itsybitsy spidah! The itsy-bitsy spidah!” No, what happened was, the melted slag heap that was once monkey bars slowly dissolved into nothingness. Then, the charcoaled remains of a nearby tree dissolved as well.
“Uh... maybe we should get the heck out of here,” I said to Super Vision Lad, but it was too late. Evil was upon us.
“Well, helllllooo, my little goggled one! Are you the champion of the League of Big Justice come to do battle? I didn’t expect him to be so...goggled. But no bother! You shall fall before the decaying might of The Candy Man!”
“The Candy Man? Am I supposed to be afraid or hope you’ll give me a chocolate bar?”
“Oh, llllaugh while you can, chimpanzee of goodness. But once I attack with my rainbow of fruit flavors, we shall see who is llllaughing!”
“Probably still me.”
I looked at The Candy Man. He was tall and very thin. He had narrow shoulders and long, narrow arms. His long, thin legs were like short stilts. He wore a pinkish waistcoat with a frilly shirt. On his head was a tooth. A very large, oversized tooth that strapped under his chin like an enormous water bucket on his head. In his right hand, he held a cane. Actually, he held a large candy-cane cane.
“I mean, what’re you going to do? Pelt me with Skittles or something?” I asked. I pressed my palm against Super Vision Lad’s forehead and gently pushed him back so he’d stop head-butting me.
“Oh! I shhhhall do far worse than that! I shall ssspread candy and chocolate throughout the world for all to eat! Bwahahahaha!” The Candy Man thrust both fists in the air as if he had just won a championship boxing match.
I took Super Vision Lad by the hand and started to walk away. “Go ahead,” I said.
“How dare you turn your back on The Candy Man!”
“What? You’re going to give free candy and chocolate to people. You want me to fight you over that?”
“But their teeth... they’lllll...rot out! Yes! Rot right out! And the dentists! The dentists will make lotsss of money, and no one likes dentists! Bwahahahaha!”
“Nice try.”
“Then the chocolate will melt and ... they will get it on their clothes and have to wash them...and... then all the extra detergent will wash to the sssea and poison the waters! Bwahahahaha —” He stopped laughing and gave me an eager look.
“I doubt it.”
“But the sssugar! All the sssugar will make everyone very hyper and —”
“You didn’t really think this out very well before you came, did you?” I cut in.
“Welllll. No...perhaps I did get a little excited when I got my new candy shhhipment this morning,” The Candy Man confessed. “But the costume! The costume I have been working on for months!” He proudly rapped the large tooth attached to his head.
“Look, I’m not one to go around giving super villains advice, but you really need... like ...a theme. And a plan. Something that’ll really get people’s attention and make them wonder if you really will be the next ruler of the earth.”
“But I don’t want to rule the earth! I just want to give everyone cavities! And then rule the earth! Must do thingsss in the proper order, my Jujube of Justice!”
The Candy Man thrust out both of his arms and revealed two small chocolate rockets. They targeted me and shot from his wrists. I grabbed Super Vision Lad and rolled out of the way just in time. The twin chocolate rockets hit a burnt tree and melted it on impact.
“Rot it away, my sssweet, sssweet treats!” The Candy Man shouted. “Rot the chewy goodness that stands between us and worldwide cavities!”
This guy may have a stupid name and an even stupider costume, but there’s one thing I’ve learned since becoming a sidekick: No matter how dumb the villain, he can probably do a real good job of blowing things up.
Or in this case, rotting them away like a cavity rots teeth.
The League of Big Justice could deal with The Candy Man easily enough, but I had to protect Super Vision Lad. I snatched him off the ground and raced back across the street to the League of Big Justice.
“Twains go ‘choo-choo’!” Super Vision Lad shouted, and bit my ear.
Chapter Thirteen
The Candy Man Can
“Pete! Pete! You’ve got to help me!” I shouted into the video screen. Pete had retreated to the Inner Sanctum of Big Justice — the place where only members of the League of Big Justice could go — and locked the vault-sized door behind him. I held Super Vision Lad firmly by the waist and hit the intercom button again. “Pete!”
I felt a strong shuddering behind me and saw The Candy Man dissolve the King Justice display in the League of Big Justice Super Souvenir Gift Shop of Justice. “Say helllllo to the Milk Dud of Mayhem!”
“PETE!”
The screen finally flickered on. “What? Who’s there?”
“Pete! It’s me! Speedy! I need your help!”
“I bet you do! That kid’s a monster!”
“No, Pete! The League of Big Justice is under attack!” I shouted into the intercom. “If you could just let in Super Vision Lad while I —”
“Oh no!” Pete shouted into the intercom. “I’m not falling for that one! You’re on your own!”
“Pete! I swear we’re under attack!”
“We are not under attack. If we were, I would be beating up the villain right now! And, since I am not beating up any villain but am sitting in my Super Pumpkin Slippers and enjoying a nice bowl of ice cream, then we in fact cannot be under attack!” He paused and shoveled a large scoop of ice cream into his mouth and thought for a moment. “Because if we were under attack, as I have already pointed out, I would be beating up the villain right now! And, since I am not beating up any —”
“I get the point, Pete.”
I turned from the video screen and watched The Candy Man throw a fistful of colorful chocolate Easter eggs at the statue of King Justice. Its head dissolved like sugar in hot water. “Beware the Junior Mint of Madnesss!”
The Candy Man stopped for a moment and leaned on his candy-cane cane. Then he started to sing. “Oh! Who can take a sssidekick, melt him into goo? Cover him in chocolate and King Justice, too? The Candy Man! The Candy Man can!” He spun around on his candy-cane cane and clicked his heels in the air. “Oh, The Candy Man can, ’cause he made deadly candy and his own costume, too!” He did a quick tap dance move, spun around, and blasted the display of League of Big Justice action figures with his candy cane. Then, as suddenly as he had started his little musical number, he stopped. “Oh, sssidekick! I’ve got sssome candy that’ll melt in your mouth and in your hands — literally!”
I spun back around to the video monitor. “Come on, Pete! Just this once!”
“Sorry! Pete’s babysitting service closed one hour ago!” The monitor went black.
The Candy Man laughed and lifted his candy cane. “Here comes the Milky Way of Malice!” He blasted the statues of Ms. Mime, Captain Haggis, and Mr. Ironic. Actually, The Candy Man had aimed for The Good Egg. But as he fired, he stumbled over an action figure of Mr. Ironic from the League of Big Justice Super Souvenir Gift Shop of Justice, and his blast glanced to the left, accidentally blowing up Mr. Ironic’s statue.
He�
�d run out of things to destroy pretty soon. I had to get Super Vision Lad to safety. I kneeled before Super Vision Lad and gently held him by the shoulders.
“I need you to be strong for me, little guy,” I said in a calm voice. “I need you to run out of that giant hole in the wall and go hide. Don’t be afraid. I’ll make sure The Candy Man doesn’t hurt you, okay? But I can’t fight him and protect you at the same time. Are you ready to be brave?”
Super Vision Lad looked at me for a moment. Then he kicked my shin and shouted, “Mud tastes icky!”
And to think... for this I gave up being a junior assistant florist.
“My, my, my!” The Candy Man closed in on me. “What do you think of my plan, you little Reese’s Peanut Butter Punk? Have I gotten the ‘theme’ right? Dissolve. Destroy. Spread cavities. Rule the world. Sounds good to me!”
I picked up Super Vision Lad and flopped him over my shoulder like a potato sack. The hole in the wall wasn’t too far away, but running indoors and carrying Super Vision Lad would make this more difficult than getting my mom to raise my allowance.
Actually, nothing was more difficult than getting my mom to raise my allowance.
I ran to the left. The Candy Man flung several licorice sticks. They flopped about on the ground, discharging enough electricity to stop an elephant... and unfortunately, I was no elephant. I picked up my speed and jumped over the electrical hazard — and right into the awaiting gum-drop attack of The Candy Man.
Green! Yellow! Orange! Red! And some brownish-purple color I think they call indigo! The gumdrops stuck to my outfit and started to dissolve the Spandex.
“They’re chewy and deadly!” The Candy Man shouted. “Am I brilliant, or what?”
I could feel the gumdrops starting to burn my skin. But I couldn’t give up. Sure, I had to save Super Vision Lad and bring The Candy Man’s sugary reign of terror to an end, but there was something more. I had to prove to myself that my dad was wrong, that I shouldn’t just be junior assistant florist. I made a choice. I took the League of Big Justice oath, and this was the reason why.
No, not to be pelted with candy by some kook with a giant tooth on his head, but because I wanted to be a hero. Sure, some heroes deliver flowers, some heroes babysit kids, and some heroes flip burgers over a flame grill, but I wanted to be a hero who would rise up as a force for good and halt the chocolate-covered madness that tried to bend the world to its sugar-frosted ways.
What the heck was I talking about? I don’t know. Maybe the pain made me delirious. Maybe it was The Candy Man’s terrible singing, or his abuse of my favorite candies, or maybe it was just the tasty little gumdrops that were painfully burning brightly colored circles into my skin, but at that moment, more than ever before, I just wanted to punch evil in the face!
I tightened my grip on Super Vision Lad, raced toward The Candy Man at 87 miles per hour, leaped into the air, and delivered a surprise kick right to his jaw.
The Candy Man fell to one knee. Dozens of M&Ms fell from his waistcoat and bounced on the ground.
“Candyyy!” Super Vision Lad called out and tried to squirm free.
The Candy Man felt his jaw. “Well ssstruck, sssidekick. But boy, am I gonna kick the cream filling out of you!”
I didn’t wait around to see what he had in mind. I raced out of the gaping hole in the side of the League of Big Justice and toward the Side-kick Super Clubhouse.
“Hey! Come back!” The Candy Man yelled after me. “I can’t run that fast with all this caramel in my pockets!”
Chapter Fourteen
“Where Is Everybody?!”
“Where is everybody?!” I shouted. No answer. The Sidekick Super Clubhouse was empty. I didn’t have much time before The Candy Man found me. I called out again.
Nothing.
That was when I saw it. No, not the key to defeating The Candy Man. Not the sugar-coated remains of the Sidekicks. Heck, it wasn’t even a babysitter’s phone number. It was a note.
Dear Speedy,
We went to Burger Barn with the League of Big Justice to celebrate the addition of our new sidekick. Come join us if you’d like! King Justice is buying.
Sincerely,
Exact Change Kid
Sidekick
P.S. Pumpkin Pete is on monitor duty. Call him if you need anything or an emergency happens.
I crumpled the note and threw it to the ground. I don’t know what ticked me off more: having to fight evil all by myself (again), or that King Justice was buying dinner for everyone and I was stuck fighting some candy-throwing goof-ball with a giant tooth on his head!
Super Vision Lad pulled one of the burning gumdrops from my skin and stuck it in his mouth.
“No!” I shouted.
“Tastes like owwie!” Super Vision Lad yelped, and spit the blue gumdrop to the ground.
I had a few moments before The Candy Man found me with his Candy Corn of Doom or Chocolate Kisses of Severe Pain or something. I knocked all the burning gumdrops from my skin. Then I remembered.
I ran to the far side of the Sidekick Super Clubhouse Room of Meetingness and quickly pounded on a door that stood in the middle of the wall.
“Whaddaya want?” A voice yelled from the room on the other side.
“I need your help! Can I come in?” I called back.
“Aw, man! Whatever.”
I opened the door and there was Latchkey Kid sitting on the couch, watching TV.
“Hey, how’re you doing?” I asked.
“Nothing,” he said without looking up.
“No, I said how’re you doing, not what’re you doing.”
“Whatever.”
“So...uh... I’m really sorry to bug you, but would you mind watching Super Vision Lad for me?” I gently moved Super Vision Lad in front of me.
“Aw, man!” Latchkey Kid groaned. “Do I have to?”
“No, but it would really help me out a lot. It’s a beautiful day outside. Maybe you two could go to the park or something.”
“The park’s burnt and filled with charcoal!” Latchkey Kid complained.
“I could give you a few dollars for ice cream...”
“I wanted to watch the Jackie Chan movie marathon on TV!” Latchkey Kid griped.
“You still can! And you guys can order pizza. You like pizza, don’t you?” I asked hopefully.
“Pizzaaaaa!” Super Vision Lad yelled. “Yaaaay!” “I guess so,” Latchkey Kid admitted.
“Great. Just keep Super Vision Lad safe,” I reminded him. “And maybe when I get back, we can all go to the movies or something.”
“Whatever.” Latchkey Kid stared at the TV and took a big swig of his Pow! Soda.
I nudged Super Vision Lad into the room and made sure they locked the door behind me.
“You know, sssometimes you feel like a nut,” The Candy Man said from behind me. “Sssome-times you don’t.” I didn’t turn around. I dove away from Latchkey Kid’s door as blobs of gooey nougat splattered where I had been standing.
“I’m ready for you now!” I shouted.
“Let’s sssee if you’re so cocky after you taste a rainbow of fruit flavors!” The Candy Man used his candy-cane cane and blasted a bright, tasty-looking rainbow of energy at me. I ran as fast as I could and narrowly escaped the explosion from the blast.
What I did not avoid was the wad of gum The Candy Man threw at me. “Double your pleasure! Double your fun!” he laughed.
“This isn’t fun!” I shouted back. The gum hit the ground in front of me and grew like shaving cream. I tried to zip to the left, but I was running too fast to make a sharp turn. The moment I hit the gum, both my feet stuck like they were stuck in gum. Which made perfect sense, since I was stuck in gum.
“Now, before I destroy you and then unleashhh my awesome cavity powers on the world, making them rue the day they ever invented sssugar-free treats, I do have one sssmall question for you.”
I knew it. He’d want to know where the League of Big Justice hid the controls for th
e League of Big Justice Satellite of Super Orbitness, or what the code was to the Inner Sanctum of Justice, or maybe he even wanted to know if I knew King Justice’s real name.
Obviously, The Candy Man knew nothing about Rule #1.
“Go ahead! Ask what you want! I won’t tell you anything!”
“Awfully brave for a boy I am about to melt.” “I’m not just a boy ... I’m a sidekick!”
“Oh. Good for you. Then it’s awfully brave for a sidekick I am about to melt.”
“Ask anything you want! My secrets will melt with me!” I challenged.
“Tell me thisss and perhaps I shhhall set you free . . .” He paused, as if working up the courage to ask the question. “How many licksss does it take to get to the tootsie roll center of a Tootsie Pop?!” The Candy Man yelled.
“What!? How the heck should I know?” I spat back. My feet weren’t going anywhere, which is a really bad thing if your super power is super speed.
“Don’t play dumb with me!” The Candy Man growled. “Tell me! Tell me now! I know you know!”
“Dude, I really think all that sugar has totally eaten your brain.”
“No! No, it has not! All the other kids knew how many licksss it took to get to the center! But did they tell me? No! They just pointed and laughed at me! ‘Clarence doesn’t know how many licksss it takes to get to the center! Clarence doesn’t know! Clarence doesn’t know! Nyah! Nyah! Nyah-nyah! Nyah!’ ” The Candy Man stuck out his tongue as he relived an old memory. “Well, the last lllaugh ssshall be mine! I’ll give them all cavities! I’ll melt them all!”
“But that was when you were a kid! You must be thirty years old now!” I was trying to delay him long enough to squirm out from the gum trap. I had freed enough of my foot that I was able to vibrate it at super speed. I could only hope it was enough to break myself free.
“Oh! Ssso what if it was twenty-four years, six months, fourteen days and...”—he looked at the candy watch on his wrist — “...five hours ago! Ssso what!” The Candy Man shouted back at me. “Ssso what if we’re all grown up and my therapist sssays I should be over it! I’ll bet he always knew how many licksss it took! I’ll bet you! I’ll bet the kids never pointed at him and said ‘the therapist doesn’t know how many licksss it takes to get to the center! The therapist doesn’t know! The therapist doesn’t know! Nyah! Nyah! Nyah-nyah! Nyah!’ ”