by Dan Danko
I’d seen a lot of things in my short life. I’d seen Pluto. I’d seen talking puppets. I’d seen other dimensions, and people with pumpkins for heads, and giant robots, and monster worms, and all kinds of nutty stuff. But I’d never seen a grown man jump up and down with fistfuls of gum and candy, and pout like a little boy who had his favorite toy taken away.
Just when you think you’ve seen it all, you have to fight a nut with a rainbow of fruit flavors wearing a giant tooth on his head.
The Candy Man moved closer to me. “Perhaps I’ll just cover you in caramel and candy sprinkles and let you slowly dissolve.” He reached into his pocket and pulled out a handful of colorful birthday cake sprinkles.
This was my last chance. I had to break free or I’d be turned into one big, gross caramel blob. The Candy Man prepared to attack with his kaleidoscope of doom. I had to try something I’d never done before.
I vibrated my whole lower body as fast as I could. The gum began to stretch. I had to ignore the pain shooting up through both my legs. I had to ignore the crazy super villain that was about to cover me in caramel. I had to focus. I had to focus on escaping and then bringing an end to the sweetest threat the world has ever known. I mustered every last ounce of my powers. A loud, high-pitched vibration filled the air and rattled the windows. Not the windows in the Sidekick Super Clubhouse, because we didn’t have any. The windows down the street and stuff.
Chapter Fifteen
Earlobe Lad Doesn’t Want His French Fries
Earlobe Lad fell on the floor at the Burger Barn and desperately covered both his giant ears with his hands. He rolled under the table and curled into a ball as a high-pitched vibration sound filled the air and rattled the windows.
“Hey! Hey! Can I have your fries?” Boom Boy looked under the table and asked.
Earlobe Lad rocked back and forth. “Gugh!” he grunted, unable to overcome the incredibly loud noise that only he could hear.
Boom Boy shrugged his shoulders and grabbed the remaining fries that sat on the table. “I’ll take that as a ‘yes.’ ”
Chapter Sixteen
Sugar Doesn’t Hurt People, PEOPLE Hurt People
A thick stream of caramel plopped onto the gum where I had been stuck. Unfortunately for The Candy Man, I was no longer there. My legs felt like they were going to fall off, but I had loosened enough of the gum that I was able to use my super speed and kick my way out like a fish-crazy dolphin chasing a juicy anchovy. Some of the gum still stuck to the bottom of my boots and the backs of my legs, slowing me down and making it hard to turn.
“Would you ssstop running around ssso I can dissolve you!?” The Candy Man yelled. “Really! What kid doesn’t love dessert?”
“Your candy-coated reign of terror is over, Candy Man! The only rainbow of flavors you’ll be tasting is liberty, justice, and honor!”
“That’s not a rainbow!”
“It is, but it’s just not very colorful to evil!” Without Super Vision Lad to worry about, I could use my super speed and hopefully make quick work of The Candy Man — unless he dissolved me first or the gum still stuck to my body interfered.
“And how, exactly, do you intend to stop me? Do you have a giant toothbrush I don’t know about? Or perhaps one of your powers is unlimited dental floss?” The Candy Man laughed.
That was it! I had to use his power against him! What’s the enemy of all candy? Children! If I could just get five hundred children to gnaw and...no... that wouldn’t work. Maybe ten dentists? No way! They’re even more evil than The Candy Man. If I brought ten of them together, who knows what chaos would be unleashed! I wasn’t willing to take on that horrible responsibility.
That was when I got an idea. It wasn’t just an idea, but easily the stupidest idea I had ever had — and that included the time I took Earlobe Lad to see the fireworks show.
Boy, that was a spectacle I’ll never forget. And I’m not talking about the fireworks.
I raced as fast as I could, zigging and zagging through The Candy Man’s cotton candy assault. That was when he whipped out the heavy artillery: S’MORES!
“When you sssat around the campfire as a child saying ‘Mommy! Mommy! Can we make more s’mores, please?’ I’ll bet you never dreamed of the day that s’mores would be your greatest enemy! Super S’mores Smother Attack!” The Candy Man cackled.
I have no idea what a Super S’mores Smother Attack is. And now that I think about it, I don’t even know what a Regular S’mores Smother Attack is, either.
In one hand, The Candy Man held peanut butter s’mores. In the other hand, the traditional chocolate s’mores treat loved by millions of Boy Scouts across the globe. I had to act fast. In mere moments I was about to face the most awesome onslaught of s’mores the world has ever known. I raced around The Candy Man at 41 miles per hour. Before he could turn to launch his chocolatey attack, I used my super speed and leaped into the air. He spun, but it was too late! At the last second, I rotated so my gum-covered legs and butt were facing him. I hit him in his giant tooth hat — and stuck.
The Candy Man staggered to the left. Then to the right. His legs wobbled. He had suddenly gained more than a hundred pounds directly on top of his head, and he just couldn’t carry my extra weight. He grunted, then tried to hit me with his double s’mores attack, but it was too late. The Candy Man toppled face-first to the floor of the Sidekick Super Clubhouse and fell atop the s’mores he held in each hand.
The s’mores he had meant for me.
“You put your chocolate in my peanut butter,” The Candy Man moaned, and then collapsed to the floor, unconscious.
I lay on my back, facing the ceiling, as if I were sitting in a chair, my butt firmly stuck with gum to the crown of The Candy Man’s tooth hat. My back was stuck to the floor as well, ensuring that even if The Candy Man awoke before the other sidekicks came back, he wasn’t going anywhere.
I tried to turn my head to face the door to Latchkey Kid’s room. “Uh...a little help here!” I called out.
Chapter Seventeen
“I Don’t Even Want to Know”
I had been adhered to the ground for about an hour before The Candy Man woke up. He was unable to move because he was stuck to the floor face-first. He shouted evil things that were luckily muffled by the ground. Both his arms were still pinned beneath him, so he couldn’t reach the strap to his tooth hat.
That was when Pumpkin Pete finally came into the Sidekick Super Clubhouse looking for Super Vision Lad so he could collect his thirty dollars.
There I was, my butt glued to a giant tooth, lying on my back and facing the ceiling. The Candy Man lay face-down, yelling obscenities into the floor, a splatter of chocolate and peanut butter on either side of him, and his legs kicking like a swimmer.
“I don’t even want to know,” Pete said and walked right back out the door.
Chapter Eighteen
Why I Hate Charisma Kid (a.k.a. Mandrake Steel)
“GUY! You’re late!” the coach yelled at me. “It’s the first game of the season and you can’t even show up on time?”
Not only was it the first game of the season, but it was against our biggest rival, the Cleveland Cavs.
“I’m sorry, coach! I would’ve been here on time, but I had to defeat The Candy Man and save the world from having their teeth rotted away from his cavity plan for world domination!”
Yeah, that’s what I should’ve said. What I did say was, “Sorry, coach! I forgot!”
Sometimes I really, really hate pledges of honor. Instead of telling him the truth and being a hero, I had to lie and get chewed out.
Wow. Now that I think about it, I’m probably the only kid in the world who could totally get out of trouble if he tells the truth, but has to tell a lie so he can get yelled at. Whose idea was that?
Probably evil’s. Or Pumpkin Pete’s.
Anyway, I’d been stuck to the ground for about two hours before the Sidekicks returned. Exact Change Kid got a wheelbarrow of mayonnaise and poured
it all over us. He said that’s what his mother used to do when he got gum in his hair as a kid. I guess it worked okay. I just know it was gross.
I had raced to the game as fast as I could, and I did get there a few minutes before it started. The coach told me to suit up, but he was too angry to let me play. He yelled something about my having to learn responsibility and stuff.
What’s more responsible than saving the world from some nougat-throwing nut wearing a giant tooth on his head?
So there I was, dressed in my full football uniform and sitting on the bench like I still had some of The Candy Man’s gum stuck on my butt. I scanned the bleachers for my dad. He was near the front. My mom wasn’t there. I kind of “forgot” to mention it to her.
The funny thing was, my mom didn’t want me to play football. True, she was also worried when I became a sidekick, but when I told her I made the football team, she absolutely refused to sign the parent waiver.
“Those boys are just hooligans!” she had said, and handed back the form, unsigned.
“But Mom! I fight supervillains!” I argued. “That’s different. They’re evil,” she explained. “But they’re trying to kill me!”
“And don’t you think those football players won’t be happy if they make you sprain an ankle?” she countered.
How do you argue with that? I knew there was no way I could convince her. Once my mom made up her mind, that was that, and nothing, nothing could make her change it.
So I just forged her signature.
I should’ve just told her I was going to be the official benchwarmer, because after tonight, I think that’s about all the coach would ever let me be.
And then a very funny thing happened.
No, my dad didn’t suddenly burst from the stands and fly into the sky like a superhero, nor did Prudence Cane stop cheerleading and ask me to the homecoming dance, nor did Mandrake Steel tell the coach that he should put me in the game.
What happened was, Mandrake Steel told the coach he should put me in the game.
Wait, did I say that did happen?
The coach had called a time-out, and there was Mandrake, the Charisma Kid, quarterback to the school team, my rival in the Sidekicks and a real pain in my butt outside the Sidekicks, trying to persuade the coach to let me play.
I was so stunned, I looked to the bleachers to see if my dad was flying! Heck, I figure if one miracle can happen, why not two? But he just waved to me, spilling his popcorn.
“Look, Coach, we need a touchdown to win, and I know that Guy messed up tonight, but what’ve we got to lose?” Mandrake asked.
“The game!” the coach shouted back. “It’s second down, we’ve got seventy yards to go, less than two minutes to play, and you want me to put in Guy?! Now?!”
“You’ve seen how fast he is! He’s done great in the practices and you know he would’ve started if he just got to the game on time. So he’s a bone-head! But he’s a bonehead who can run fast!”
Something was wrong. Very, very wrong. Charisma Kid had never been nice to me. Well, there was that one time he was nice to me, but that was just so he could trick me and then not be nice to me. This was totally weird. There had to be a reason... and then it hit me!
Someone found out Mandrake Steel is really Charisma Kid and they’re controlling his mind!
Mandrake leaned over to me and whispered, “I know you think someone found out I’m really Charisma Kid and they’re controlling my mind, but that’s not it.”
So much for that theory.
“So what’s up, then?” I whispered back.
“I just hate losing,” Mandrake answered. “I’ll get you that ball. You just do the rest.”
The coach looked at Mandrake. “This is our last time-out...”
“Don’t worry, Coach. I know he can do it,” Mandrake assured him. “And I wanted to mention it earlier, but that’s a very nice tie you’re wearing. I wish my dad could pick ties as nice as that.”
The coach smiled and looked down at his necktie. “Really? I wasn’t sure when I picked it out —”
“If you coach half as well as you pick ties, we’re going to have a championship season,” Mandrake said in that thick, syrupy voice he used when he was really pouring it on.
The coach suddenly looked at me. “Get in there, Guy!”
I grabbed my helmet and raced onto the field with Mandrake.
“You’re sure no one’s controlling your mind?” I asked again, still stunned at what just happened.
Mandrake didn’t answer me. He crowded into the huddle and called the play. I squeezed in between two linebackers. I felt like a doll crammed between two elephants. I was probably half the size of the other kids playing football. If it weren’t for my super speed, this would’ve been one painful idea!
“Okay! I-formation, split right, double hook option on three!” Mandrake spat like he was a general. Basically what he said in non-football English was, “I’m giving Guy the ball.”
“BREAK!” The team clapped their hands and broke from the huddle.
“You ready, Guy?” Mandrake asked.
“Am I!”
“Good. Good,” Mandrake said. The offensive line was getting into position.
I could feel my heart pounding in my chest. The crowd was cheering wildly. Every player on both benches stood in silent anticipation. This was awesome! No. It was more than awesome. It was like something so awesome that you couldn’t even say how awesome it was, that’s how awesome this was. Even though I was a bug compared to all the other players on the field, there was no way they could catch me. All I had to do was use my super speed, zip around the defensive line, race past the defensive safeties, and win the game! The crowd would go wild! I’d be a hero and Prudence Cane would think I was totally cool! It was perfect. No. It was more than perfect. It was awesome!
Hurry up and give me the ball, I thought as I bounced around in the backfield.
Mandrake prepared to start the play. “It’s just such a shame,” I heard him say to himself. I didn’t know if he was talking to me or what.
I had to know. “What?” I asked.
“It’s just a shame, that’s all.”
“What’s a shame? What are you talking about?” I was getting worried.
Mandrake sadly shook his head and patted me on the back. “I’m saying that it’s a shame, you getting kicked out of the Sidekicks.”
“WHAT?!”
“Well, you know that it’s against the League of Big Justice rules to use your powers for personal gain,” Mandrake explained innocently. “And I can’t think of anything more personal than using them to win a football game. And in front of all these people. King Justice’ll totally flip when he finds out.”
“He doesn’t need to find out!”
“You’re right, he doesn’t. But you know... somehow...I think he will.” Mandrake gave me a mean wink and a smile. He turned and faced the offensive line. “HIKE!” he shouted. The center snapped the ball into Mandrake’s waiting hands. He took three steps back, turned, and slapped the ball into my gut.
I looked up. The bodies of the massive opposing team charged toward me like angry bulls. They grunted, growled, and shouted. They wanted only one thing: to squash me into the ground.
Now I remembered why I hate Charisma Kid (a.k.a. Mandrake Steel).
Chapter Nineteen
Mandrake Steel — 7 Guy Martin — O
“Gunh!”
If you’re wondering what “Gunh!” is exactly, I can best describe it as the painful noise you make when four hooligans, each the size of a bus, pummel you into the ground.
I slowly pulled my limbs from the grassy surface and handed the referee the football. I could see the coach jumping up and down and shouting something that I was glad I couldn’t hear.
I was also glad I couldn’t read lips.
I had tried to avoid getting slaughtered by the other team, but without being able to use my super speed, it was pretty hopeless.
The clock wa
s ticking. We quickly fell into a huddle.
“Same play,” Mandrake said.
“What?” one of the linemen shouted. “Are you nuts?”
“I want to run the same play,” Mandrake repeated.
“What?” one of the wide receivers shouted. “Are you nuts?”
“I really think Guy can do this,” Mandrake insisted.
“What?” I shouted. “Are you nuts?”
But it was too late. The huddle broke and we fell into formation. I watched the opposing team dig into their positions like hungry lions eager to leap on the idiot with the football and pummel him into the ground.
Unfortunately, I would be the idiot with the football.
“Hike!”
Mandrake fell back and slammed the ball into my gut. This time I used a little super speed. Not enough to get kicked out of the League of Big Justice, but just enough that I could maybe not become one with the earth again.
Two defensive tackles broke through the line. I dodged one, zipped around the other, and saw nothing but empty field between me and the end zone! Or maybe it would be better to say that I saw nothing but empty field between me and the end zone until a massive lineman introduced me to the grass. Face-first.
At least this time I gained four yards. So, add that to my loss of seven yards last play and I was only at negative three yards.
The coach was screaming on the sidelines. The clock ticked down to thirty seconds. We had to go seventy-three yards. It was fourth down. Mandrake called a quick huddle.
“Sorry, Guy,” he said and patted me on the helmet. “I guess you’ll just have to wait until next game to be the hero.”
At times like this, I really wish I didn’t have any super powers. My life would be so much easier, delivering flowers, not having to hear lame speeches about sacrifice, never getting tele-ported into the 97th dimension and forced to fight the two-dimensional people of Flatopia. The biggest evil I’d have to face would be a cranky customer who doesn’t tip.