by Jessica Marx
“You okay?” Tara asks me.
“Yeah. Yes. I’m fine,” I stammer back in reply.
“Seems like that kiss really got to you,” she says in a low voice. “Sarah totally shouldn’t have done that. She doesn’t know you two are… You know…”
“It’s ok. It was part of the scene. Did your kiss get to you?”
“Mine? No. But it was with Tony. Totally different,” she replies.
“Whatever,” I answer dismissively. I’m not going through the whole “we’re just friends” speech again—especially when I’m not sure if that’s even true anymore. “Where are we going now? The usual?” I ask, changing the subject completely.
“I’m hungry,” Keira chimes in. “Can we go somewhere that has drinks and food?”
“Sure. I can go for some grub,” Tony replies.
We collectively put on our coats, take our belongings, and head outside. Ryan and I haven’t spoken a single word to each other. We lock eyes for a second as we are getting ready to walk out the door, but both of us quickly look away. Not only do we have get through the night, we have to go home together. This is going to be completely awkward—even more so than the past weekend.
Our group walks a few blocks to one of our favorite local dive bars. It’s low-key, but the staff is friendly and the food is decent. The crowd is pretty thick already, but we find a booth we can all squeeze into. One of the servers comes over to take our order and we each ask for a drink while we look over the menu. Conversation is flowing amongst us and there are plenty of laughs. I’m trying to act interested in what’s going on, but I can’t get Ryan out of my head. We are seated at opposite sides of the table and have yet to even look at one another.
If I kissed someone else and felt the same feelings, it wouldn’t bother me, but Ryan is different. Everyone we know warned that moving in together was a bad idea. Maybe they saw something neither of us did. How could they possibly sense our feelings when we never have?
Between this kiss, the last couple of days, and the endless questioning of my own feelings and emotions, I am a wreck. Everything would have been fine if it weren’t for that kiss.
The server comes back with our drinks and takes our food order. My stomach is doing flip flops—there’s no way I can eat. When she leaves the table, I excuse myself to go to the ladies’ room. I need a few minutes to collect my thoughts and move on, or everyone will know something is up—that is, if they haven’t noticed already.
I take my time washing my hands and lingering behind the closed door before taking a deep breath and walking into the small hallway where the restrooms are. Ryan is standing in the hall. It appears he is waiting for me, and there’s no way to avoid him.
“Are we going to talk about what happened?” Ryan asks bluntly.
“What do you mean?” I reply, poorly feigning innocence.
“Come on, Eve. The kiss? You and me, kissing,” he presses on.
“We were acting Ryan, that’s what we do,” I answer, still trying to sound aloof.
“Don’t be an ass, Eve. I know you felt what I felt.”
“It doesn’t matter, Ryan. We are friends—and roommates. Maybe we just got caught up in the moment. I mean, that scene was pretty intense.”
“It was intense, Eve,” he says, his blue eyes smoldering. “But it wasn’t the scene. Please, don’t just let it go like that.”
“I don’t have a choice,” I reply in surrender. “We don’t have a choice. You said it yourself weeks ago—we can’t ruin our friendship. Besides, you’re my stepbrother. You know how wrong this is.”
I leave him standing there and go back to the booth. Ryan returns several minutes later looking pretty put-off. We join in the conversation and laughs with the rest of the group, but mentally, I’m not fully there. I can tell Ryan isn't, either. I’m not sure if everyone else can see what’s going on. If they can, they’re doing a pretty good job of pretending not to, which is fine with me. I am in no rush to end the night and go home with Ryan. I know him well enough to know he is not going to let this go.
We go through a couple of rounds of drinks and those who ordered food are finished. Keira announces that she’s leaving and Tony offers to walk her home. Tara and Alex decide they’re going to go home also. It just leaves me, Ryan, and Jen, and she quickly bails and says she’s going to walk with Tara and Alex.
Now it’s just us again.
Ryan and I stand up to leave. We have no choice but to walk together. There is no avoiding the inevitable now. He’s going to make me talk about what happened—our kiss. Why does he have to be so sensible and open with his feelings? Why can’t he hide his emotions and keep to himself like most men? No wonder I used to think he was gay.
We put on our coats and walk outside without saying a word. It’s bitter cold out here, so we pick up the pace but continue to walk in silence. I want to go home and crawl under my covers, but I know that’s not happening. We are at our corner when Ryan starts to speak.
“Eve,” he says, “we have to talk about this.”
“No, we don’t,” I reply. “We kissed. We weren't kissing each other, though—we were in character, and that’s not the same. Please, just let it go,” I plead as we approach our building.
We hurry inside to escape the cold and I immediately begin walking up the stairs. Ryan is following and I can feel his agonized stare behind me. We reach the third floor and I get the key in the lock and door open before Ryan has a chance to speak again. I wish there was someplace for me to hide.
“Eve, you’re being ridiculous,” Ryan says as soon as the door closes behind him. “You need to acknowledge your feelings.”
“There were no feelings,” I say coldly. Thankfully, my back is to him, because it is a complete lie and he knows it. Ryan grabs my arm and spins me around.
“No feelings?” he asks, sounding hurt and incredulous at the same time. “I heard you Eve… This isn’t just about the kiss. I heard you on the other side of that wall. I heard what you were doing in there and it fucking turned me on Eve. It drove me fucking crazy.”
Oh God…
“How?” I ask, my voice barely a squeak.
“Thin walls, remember?” Ryan says, his eyes burning into me.
“It… It doesn’t matter. We can’t do this. I don’t feel that way about you Ryan.”
“Prove it,” Ryan dares me.
“Prove it? How the hell am I supposed to do that?”
“Kiss me,” Ryan says. When I turn around, his face is inches away from mine. “Kiss me as Eve. No characters, no scene, no stepbrother and stepsister—just you and me.” He lowers his voice and wets his lips with his tongue. I shiver. “Kiss me now, and if there are no feelings, I will believe you.”
I just stare at him. Every ounce of my being wants to kiss him. I want to grab him and never let go, but I can’t. Once we cross that line, there is no going back. I can’t do that. I love him too much to lose him.
“I can’t,” I reply in a whisper, holding back tears. “I can’t.”
We stand in silence. I feel Ryan staring at me, but I don’t want to look at him. If our eyes meet, I know I will give in. We will kiss, and who knows what would happen from there? I need to leave. I need this moment to be over and forgotten.
Without a word, I walk to my room and close the door. I know Ryan is still standing there, but I don’t care. He will probably wait for me to come out, but I won’t. Goddammit. I want to throw something, punch something—anything to relieve the anger or stress or whatever it is that I’m feeling right now. Instead, I just begin to pace the floor. I can’t leave the apartment, it’s too damn cold, and I don’t feel like being around anyone right now, so I have no place to go. I just keep walking back and forth, my mind racing in all different directions.
I hear the door slam. Ryan must have left. I remain still and quiet and listen to see if I hear him inside, but I don’t. All I hear is the click of the door as he locks it—then he’s gone.
9
I listen for several minutes and don’t hear anything. Regardless of where he is now, at some point we will have to face each other, so I have to accept my fate. I’m sure I look like death right now, but there’s nothing I can do.
I take a breath and leave my room. There is no sign of Ryan in the main area and the bathroom door is open, so I go in and close it behind me.
My face is a mess and my hair is a disaster. I don’t remember the last time I cried like that. I get in the shower and let the warm water roll over my body and face. It feels soothing, and hopefully it will relieve some of the congestion and swelling in my face. I don’t need to explain to anyone why I look like this. I especially don’t want Ryan to see me like this—if he even comes back. I wonder where he went and when he might return.
I didn’t want to kiss him. It wasn’t just the whole stepbrother thing… I wanted to save our friendship. By not kissing him again, I might have ruined it anyway. I don’t know how to begin to make this right. I’m not sure what to say or how to say it. It’s clear to me now that I love him as something much more than a friend… As something more than a stepbrother… I don’t know how he feels, though. I mean, I know he feels something, but what?
I turn off the shower and dry off. I look much better than I did when I got in, which is a relief. I have to work today and need to look presentable. I get dressed and go into the kitchen to have some coffee and breakfast. I’m kidding myself thinking I’m not waiting for Ryan to return, because that’s exactly what I’m doing. As much as I don’t want to see him, I want him to come back.
I take my time with breakfast and Ryan still doesn’t return. I’m sure he’s safe, probably at Tony’s or one of his other boy’s places’. I just wish I knew if he was okay. I have to get ready to go, I’m working early in the afternoon today. Hopefully, he will be back tonight so we can settle things and get back to normal—whatever that is now.
I get to work between lunchtime and Happy Hour, so there aren’t many people here. I don’t mind; I’m not in the mood to make conversation, anyway. I keep busy straightening up the bar and cleaning whatever I can find. As the afternoon goes on, more people come in, and I put on my game face. No one needs to see a melancholy bartender. We are here for customers and their problems, not the other way around. I serve the few people seated around me happily, playing a part once again.
Ken comes in and sits in front of me.
“Hey, Ken. How are you today?” I ask with a smile.
“Same. And you? What’s up, Eve?” Ken immediately notices something is off. I guess my acting isn’t at its best today.
“Nothing new. What can I get you? Usual?” I ask.
“Of course,” he answers. His brow furrows like he’s concerned. “You sure you’re okay, though?”
“I’m very okay, Ken,” I reply, trying to sound more like myself, “Are you sure you’re okay? You forgot to give me your ‘dark and sweet’ line.”
“Shit. This could have been my day, too,” Ken jokes back. We fall into the familiar routine and carry on. I’m glad he didn’t persist.
The afternoon turns to evening and we die down fairly early in the night. Ken left sometime after dinner and I feel better than when I came in. Sometimes pretending everything is okay makes it so—at least, for a while. I clean up, close the register, and get my coat. It’s freezing outside, so I bundle up and prepare to walk home. I step outside and shiver. I let the cold hit me and then take off in a slow jog toward my apartment. I just want to get home and into the heat again. I’m also anxious to see if Ryan came back yet.
I run up the steps of the building and inside. It feels nice in here and I climb the stairs to the apartment. I turn my key in the lock, being sure to make some noise as I do to alert Ryan that I’m here in case he did come back. I prepare myself for whatever is on the other side of the door, but when I step inside, the apartment is still empty.
My short-lived happiness is immediately drained. I can call Ryan, but I wouldn’t know what to say.
I wistfully walk through the apartment, not knowing what to do. I shower and get into bed for lack of any better idea, but I just lie there. I flip through the channels on the TV, but nothing is catching my attention. I just keep waiting to hear him coming in the door, but it doesn’t happen. I give in to exhaustion and fall asleep late well past midnight.
I wake up much later, knowing already that Ryan never came home. There’s this… absence lingering in the air, a void where Ryan once was. I can feel it in my bones, and it does nothing but unnerve me even more.
I get out of bed and walk to the door to peek out, just in case I am wrong, but I’m not. I brew some coffee while I brush my teeth and use the bathroom then pour myself a cup of coffee. I sit silently at the kitchen table, staring blankly. I feel like I lost my best friend, which seems appropriate, since that’s exactly what happened.
I decide I should work out or do something productive today before my shift starts this afternoon. I force myself up from the table to head to my room and hear the familiar click of the lock in the door. I stand there, frozen.
Ryan pushes the door open and casually walks in. He sees me standing in the middle of the room and pauses for a moment. Then he continues to the kitchen.
“Hey, Eve,” he says with a friendly smile as he walks past me.
What the fuck? Why is he acting like nothing happened? How is he acting like that? I thought I wanted everything forgotten, but maybe I was wrong.
“Hey Ryan,” I reply hesitantly. “Where have you been?”
“Tony’s. Just needed some space to think,” he answers.
“Oh. Okay.” I want to expand on what I’m thinking, but I don’t want to wind up in the same place we were when this all started.
“I know you’re not into talking about your feelings, Eve,” Ryan begins, “so I’ll just talk and you can listen. I understand why you don’t want to do this. I respect that… I just want you in my life and if it means only being friends, then so be it. Let’s just forget everything—the kiss, the fight, the whole weekend, and go back to the way we were.” He can’t look me in the eyes when he is speaking, which is very unlike him. I can tell he’s not being honest, but this is what I hoped for, so I have no choice but to concede.
“Okay, Ryan,” I say slowly. I’m still trying to process what was said. “If you think that’s what is best, then that’s what we’ll do.” It’s a lame answer, and not what I really want to say, but it’s the best I can come up with.
“I don’t know what’s best, Eve,” Ryan says in a raised voice, but quickly calms down. “I’m trying to respect what you want and hold on to our friendship. For now, that’s all I can do.”
“Thank you, Ryan,” I say. “That means a lot.”
This is so wrong. I think I might be in love with him. I‘m almost sure of it. But after what we just went through, I can’t tell him. I can’t treat him like that. I’ll just have to let things play out and let nature take its course.
“So, are we cool?” Ryan asks with a hint of a smile and his old self.
“Yes. Cool,” I reply with a cheesy grin, holding up my hand for a high-five. I feel totally lame, but I can’t hug him right now. I don’t want to be that close to him. I need a little more time to get back into the friend zone.
We talk briefly about a few random things, and then I excuse myself, saying I have to work out. Ryan happily ends our conversation with a smile and disappears into his room. Even though we aren’t chatting about anything important, it feels like there are so many things not being said. I can only hope we will be able to repair the damage we have done—that I have done. Ryan is only doing
what he thinks I want him to do. Then again, if he was in love with me, would he let me go so easily?
10
Ryan and I spend the next couple of days being overly polite and walking on eggshells. We are trying to be friends again, but no matter how many times he calls me Sis, it’s just not working. I don’t feel like a stepsister anymore… He doesn’t feel like a roommate. Still, we have dinner together on the couch and watch a movie, and things start to feel like the old days again. With the end of the week approaching, we won’t see each other as much because of our schedules, but I don’t think that’s such a bad thing.
We walk together to our class at AGR on Monday and I’m tense. I assume that since the reading we did last week was romantic, this week will be something different, but you never know. We meet up with our friends in the studio and everyone seems to have forgotten about last week—not that they even knew the effect it had on me and Ryan, anyway. Sarah comes in and explains what we will be doing today and I relieved to hear it will be something comedic. I glance at Ryan and notice he looks more relaxed, as well. Neither one of us wants to relive last week’s episode.
After the workshop is over, we all go out for drinks and some food. There’s one more week left of taking this class together, and we are all going to miss it. Somehow, the topic of “when we make it big” always finds its way into the conversation. I love having this group who shares and understands the dream of being that one in a million who actually succeeds.
Ryan and I continue the ebb and flow of repairing our friendship, and by the time the following weekend comes, we seem to have gotten our groove back. We have successfully left our debacle behind us. I have also managed to repress my own feelings and hope that eventually they just go away. I believe they will, because we really do make great friends.
The couple of nights Ryan went out with his friends, he came home alone. Not that he would hook up every time he goes out, but a small part of me wonders if he’s doing it to protect me. An even smaller part wonders if he is waiting for me to have a change of heart. I’m sure he will move on soon enough. He’s a man, and that’s what they do… Right?