by Jessica Marx
With Christmas only a few weeks away, we decide to buy a small tree for the apartment to make it festive. We bundle up one evening and go to the parking lot around the block where a temporary Christmas tree lot has been set up. We find the nicest of the miniature trees and bring it back to the apartment to decorate. I had already purchased a small bag of ornaments, and Ryan bought one of those boxed sets, and together they are enough to cover the tiny sapling. We play some holiday music and drink hot chocolate while we hang the ornaments on the tree. Doing this with Ryan is one of the best nights I’ve had in a very long time. It feels like being back home…
Spending that time together, relaxed and just being ourselves is exactly what we needed to seal the deal. We are getting along again and there doesn’t seem to be any more tension between the two of us—at least, on the outside. I am still completely confused about my feelings, and I had to fight myself not to drift into dangerous fantasies when I was alone in the dark, but I’m not going to bring Ryan into that. I don’t need to complicate things between us again.
We brave the cold for our final class at the Atlantic Green Room. I hope we can all manage to get into another, at some point, but for now, this is it. We settle in and take our usual seats in the cozy room. Sarah comes in with our final instructions and we have a great time. In the last part of the class, she has us cold read parts for the last day of high school as a group. Between the scene itself, our friendship, and our acting skills, most of us are crying by the end like a bunch of teenagers. It’s perfect.
We applaud each other, and our acting coach, and are smiling again by the time we are ready to say our goodbyes. Each of us give Sarah a big hug before we put on our coats. She asks Ryan if he can stay for a few minutes and of course he agrees. He says he’ll catch up with us after so we go ahead to the bar without him. We’re wondering what she wanted to see him about. I suggest that maybe she wants to talk to him about a part or something. Tony thinks she wants to bang him. I guessed I’d find out soon enough.
We are halfway through our first round of drinking when Ryan walks in the bar smiling ear to ear.
“I knew it. She definitely blew him,” Tony says before Ryan gets to the table.
“You’re such a dick, Tony,” Tara says with a laugh. Ryan stands at the edge of the table.
“So?” Tara says. “What happened?”
“Possibly the most amazing thing ever,” Ryan replies, still standing, but he doesn’t indulge. He always was a pro at suspense.
“What?” we all ask excitedly at almost the same time.
“Sarah told me that a casting director who works with Pacific Green Room, AGR’s office in Los Angeles, is looking to fill a supporting role in a big feature film,” Ryan explains. “The actor they had lined up took a different part. She thinks I will be perfect for it and wants me to do a recorded audition tomorrow.”
We all give him words of encouragement and high-fives and fist pumps—this is the most amazing news any of us have ever heard. Even though it’s happening to Ryan, it’s almost like we are all a part of it.
“Hell yeah!” Tony shouts and comes around the table to give his friend a pat on the back.
“I didn’t get the part yet, guys,” Ryan says, taking us down a notch as he sits. “I still have to audition.”
“Dude, you will definitely get the part,” Tony replies. “You have the skills, and who can say no to those baby blues?”
We clink our glasses and say cheers to our first friend with a very good chance of becoming a star. We order another round of drinks and talk about Ryan and his possible big break for the rest of the night. I am so happy for him. This part could make his entire career. My heart does sink a little when I realize that it will also mean he will have to leave. And if this movie is a hit, he might just move to California and never come back.
We stay out late to celebrate, but Ryan wants to be in good form for his audition tomorrow, so he only has one drink and then takes it easy. He leaves earlier than the rest of us, who continue to party in his honor.
When I arrive back home, I’m pretty drunk. I don’t usually drink a lot, but I needed it. I have had so much going on in my head lately it’s nice to just get silly and forget about it. Ryan is sleeping on the couch when I open the door, so I try to keep quiet, but in my drunken state I make more noise than usual. I see him start to stir and shush myself.
He opens his eyes halfway, just enough to see I’m there, and smile at me before he closes them again. I smile as I look at him, and then clumsily trip over the edge of the coffee table when I try to pass. Ryan wakes with a start. I scramble to get up and poorly try to straighten my clothing and look like nothing happened.
“Watch out for that table. It jumps out of nowhere,” he says, smirking at me through sleepy eyes. “You okay?”
“Yeah. Totally,” I reply trying to sound sober. “Think I’m gonna go to sleep now.”
“That’s probably a good idea,” he says.
“Goodnight. Will I see you in the morning?” I ask, stumbling as I try to walk and talk at the same time. I am way drunker than I thought I was. I never get sloppy like this. There is definitely a spinning room in my future.
“Why don’t I help you?” Ryan offers, standing up and approaching me. “I’m not sure you’re going to make it to your room, and I have too much to do tomorrow to spend the night in the ER with you.”
“I’m fine, dude,” I answer, but I am definitely nowhere near fine.
“I’m sure you are, but I’ll come along anyway just to make sure,” Ryan insists. “Let’s get you a glass of water, first.”
Ryan pours some water and makes me take a drink. Together we walk to my room. I am leaning heavily against him for support. I hate this feeling of helplessness and not being in control, which is why I never drink like this in the first place.
He walks me to the bed, where I plop down and lay back with my feet on the floor. I slowly sit back up because the room starts spinning.
“Hold your foot out,” Ryan commands and I lazily straighten my leg. He pulls off my shoe and then does the same for my other leg. He then helps raise both legs onto the bed.
“Okay, now slowly lie back,” he says, placing his arm behind my back to steady me as I recline. When my head hits the pillow we are dangerously close—closer than we’ve been since we kissed.
I look at Ryan, and for a minute, he holds my stare. So many things are being said without being spoken. He breaks our stare and removes his arm from behind my head. I take his hand before he walks away.
“I love you, Ryan,” I confess.
“I love you too, Eve,” Ryan replies casually. “Now get some sleep.”
“No, Ryan. I love you, love you,” I say, looking into his eyes. I’m trying to convey my honesty, but my eyes are half shut and I’m probably slurring, so I don’t think it’s coming off as well as I hope it is.
“You’re drunk, Eve,” Ryan says.
“I’m not,” I say. “I mean, I am, but that’s not why I love you.”
“Okay. We’ll talk about it tomorrow. Get some sleep.” He kisses the hand I was holding him with and leaves the room.
I don’t have time to think about what I just said. I quickly fall asleep before the room starts spinning on me again.
11
When I emerge from my bedroom in the morning, Ryan is in his room, but the door is open and I hear him talking. I’m pretty sure I professed my love to him last night, but if he doesn’t bring it up, I plan on forgetting all about it. He could tell I was shit-faced and will assume I didn’t know what I was saying, anyway—which I didn’t. I never would have done that in a sober state.
As I approach his door, I see Ryan looking in the mirror and reciting lines. He must be getting ready for his big audition. I listen until he is done and then smile.
“You’re going to nail this audition,” I say after he finishes.
“I hope so,” he replies. “How you feeling this morning?”
“I’ve been better,” I answer. I don’t feel great, but not as bad as I expected.
Ryan smirks a little, and his eyes glitter. “Seems like you had a lot of fun after I left.”
“It was fun. But I definitely drank too much,” I add sheepishly.
Ryan’s smirk widens and he raises his brows. “Really? I didn’t notice.”
I shake my head. “Yeah. Won’t be doing that again any time soon.”
“Probably a good idea.”
“So, what time are you going?” I ask, changing the subject before he has a chance to mention what I said.
“Leaving in a few. I have to admit, I’m nervous for this one,” he confesses.
“I don’t blame you. This could be life-changing.” Even thinking of the impact this could have on Ryan’s life is bittersweet.
“Thanks. I feel much calmer now,” he jokes.
“Sorry. But you know what I mean. It’s okay to be nervous, but I don’t think you have anything to worry about. They sought you out for this part, not the other way around.”
“You’re right.” Ryan lets out a breath, then smiles. “Wish me luck?”
I return his smile. “Break a leg.”
“Thanks,” he says. Then he takes his things and leaves for the audition.
I make a pot of coffee and some toast to try and settle my stomach. It’s still in knots from all the alcohol last night, and I’m also nervous for Ryan. I hope with all my heart that he nails this audition today—he deserves it. I just can’t silence the small part of me that hopes he doesn’t have to leave.
I could kick myself for telling him I love him last night. I was obviously not thinking clearly, because I still don’t know if that’s even what these feelings are.
I go back and forth in my head in the now familiar yo-yo of “do I, or do I not,” but the more I think, the more sure I am that my feelings are real. I’m only kidding myself trying to pretend they’re not.
I take a shower and muster up the energy to leave and run some errands. I’m so glad I don’t have to work today, because I don’t have it in me. I know I’ll be crashing pretty early tonight.
I don’t remember the last time I went food shopping, so I get some of the staples we need. I stop at a couple of shops and pick up some fun things, too. I haven’t bought too many things for myself since moving here, and I’ve been trying to stay within my budget. I waste a large part of the morning and early afternoon getting things done, and Ryan is home when I get back.
“How’d it go?” I ask as soon as I open the door and see him there.
“I don’t know,” he replies. I’m sure he’s been wondering the same thing all day. “I think it went well. Sarah seemed happy.”
“When will you find out?”
“Very soon. They plan to start filming before the new year. I’m not really sure what happened with the last guy, but it sounds like they’re in a scramble. Sarah is sending the audition to them now, and I should hear back… I don’t know, soon.” He sounds anxious.
“Try not to sweat it,” I advise, knowing that is not going to happen.
“I know, I’m trying,” he answers glumly.
“Wanna get some dinner?” I ask. “I could go for some Chinese.”
At this, Ryan brightens just a little. “Sure. I wouldn’t mind some take-out.”
I call and place an order and then put the groceries away. I picked up a bottle of champagne while I was out, just in case we need to celebrate. I hide it in the back of the fridge in case we don’t need it. It’s not long before delivery arrives.
We sit on the couch while we eat and watch some reality television. We don’t actually like any of these shows, but we do enjoy making fun of the “actors.” We talk a lot about what it will be like if Ryan does get the part. He’s very excited and nervous, and has a lot of mixed emotions about it. I assure him that once he knows for sure that he is going, he’ll feel much better about it all.
“I just don’t want to change,” Ryan confides in me. “I’ve seen and read about so many people who forget who they are and where they came from.”
“You’re the most honest person I know, and you have the biggest heart,” I tell him. “Nothing can take that away.”
“Thanks, Eve. I guess first I should worry about getting the part, and then I can worry about what will happen after.”
We finish dinner and clean up. The greasy take-out is exactly what I needed after last night. We curl up on separate sides of the couch and put on a movie. I fall asleep shortly after it starts. When I wake up in the middle of the night, Ryan is gone and I have a blanket over me. He takes such good care of me. How am I going to live without him again if he leaves?
I get up off the couch and go to my bedroom. I get in my bed and fall back asleep.
12
When I wake up and leave my room, I notice Ryan isn't there. I assume he’s out for a run. I make some breakfast, do a quick workout, shower, and get dressed. I’m working the early shift at the bar today and have to leave soon. I get ready to walk out the door and decide to jot Ryan a note: “Please let me know if you hear back from casting—good luck!” I place it on the table where I know he’ll see it and leave for work.
Lunch is busy and lasts late enough to roll right into the early part of Happy Hour. I see Ken come in and pour his beer before he even sits down.
“That’s what I’m talking about,” Ken says as he settles onto the bar stool, “a woman who knows what I like without even asking.”
“You never change, Ken. You make it pretty easy,” I reply with a smile. He lets me know what he wants for dinner tonight and I go put his order in.
I help the other customers that are coming in and everyone seems pleasant enough. It’s just busy enough that I can serve them and exchange some banter or ask how their day was which always makes them feel comfortable sitting with me at the bar. The evening is steady, and I’m feeling pretty good when I see Ryan walk in. I wasn’t expecting him and he’s alone, so I wonder if he’s here with some news or just to blow off some steam while he waits to hear back.
“What’s up?” I ask when he sits down. “Everything okay?”
“Yeah, I’m good,” Ryan answers blandly.
I frown. “Okay then, what can I get for you?” He doesn’t seem like himself.
“How about a glass of champagne—make it two,” he says, his face brightening and a huge smile forming.
“Champagne…? Oh, my God! You got the part!” I squeal, causing everyone at the bar to look at me.
“I got the motherfucking part,” Ryan replies proudly.
“Holy shit! Oh, my God!” I say again. “I can’t believe it. I mean, I can believe it, but I can’t believe it.” I go to the fridge and take out a bottle of Perrier Joulet, which is my favorite, but too expensive for me to be drinking normally. I pour Ryan a glass and a half-filled glass for myself. I’m not supposed to drink behind the bar, but this is one hell of a special occasion. I hand Ryan the champagne flute and hold my own up.
“To my almost-famous stepbrother. I wish you all the best. Don’t forget the little people,” I toast. We clink our glasses and take a drink. I notice Ken looking at me wondering what’s up.
“Ken, this is my friend, Ryan Macrae. Remember that name, because you’re going to be hearing it a lot.”
“Nice to meet you, Ryan. Looks like you have your first official fan,” Ken says. Ryan raises his glass to Ken, looks at me, and finishes off his drink.
Ryan briefs me on what Sarah said, but he wants to go and call everyone else and tell them he got the part. He wanted to tell me in person. He hasn’t even called our parents yet. He said he’ll tell me the rest later when we’re all together, because he is taking everyone out tonight to celebrate.
I’m thankful I have less than a couple of hours left on my shift. This is the most exciting news I’ve heard, and it’s not even mine. I’m so happy for Ryan—this is the break all of us are wishing for. It’s the opportunity of a lifetime.
I almost run out of the bar to get home. Ryan is there with Tony and two of his other friends I’ve met before. They all say hello, and I see by the empty beers on the table they’ve already started celebrating.
“Hurry up and get ready girl,” Tony says before I put my things down. “We’ve been waiting for you.”
“Keep it in your pants, Tony,” I reply. “I could have met you out.”
“Ryan made us wait, or we would have,” Tony answers.
“You’re so fucking sweet, Tony. You sure know how to make a woman feel special.” I roll my eyes. “Just give me a few to shower and change.”
I leave the room to pick out an outfit and bring it into the bathroom with me. No way I’m walking through here in a robe with these idiots around.
I quickly shower and dress and put on some makeup. I finish fairly fast and emerge from the bathroom to get my shoes on. I hear a whistle from one of the boys.
“Damn, girl. Maybe you and I should just stay here tonight,” Tony says.
“Not in your wildest dreams,” I reply with a laugh.
I grab a pair of heels from my closet and join the boys in the living room. “So where are we going?”
“We’re meeting at The Dive,” Ryan responds.
“Cool,” I reply, grabbing my coat. “What are we waiting for? Let’s go.”
We leave the building and walk to the bar. The rest of our crew and a couple of random other friends are already gathered there. They cheer and hoot when they see Ryan walk in. I’m walking behind him and notice him blush. He is immediately surrounded and met with hugs and fist pumps and lots of love from his friends, who know exactly how much this part will mean to his career. The drinks start flowing and we collectively hit the dance floor. We are in full party mode now.
The mood lasts through the night. We stay out until the wee hours of the morning for last call. I have a little buzz, but after my drunken stupor from our first celebration, I’m taking it easy. We all live fairly close to each other, so we walk home as a group, which dwindles down every time someone reaches their door. One of Ryan’s friends, Adam, is staying on our couch tonight because he’s the only one who doesn't live here and it’s too late to catch a train. The three of us turn down our block, leaving the last few to make their way home. Tara, Keira, and Jen live together, so they all go to the same place, anyway.