Becoming Somebody

by Heather D'Agostino

  “Whoa!” He reached for me and spun me to face him. “What are you talking about? Are you seeing someone or something like that?”

  “No,” I shook my head and wiped the tears from my eyes. “It’s nothing like that.”

  “Then what?” His head tilted to the side as he appraised me.

  “Don’t do that,” I scowled.

  “Do what?” His forehead wrinkled as he watched me.

  “Be a cop around me. Stop trying to figure out what I’m trying to say, and just listen to me,” I huffed and began pacing.

  “Okay,” he stood and tugged on his jeans. “What is it?”

  “Maybe you should sit down,” My lips thinned as I watched him stare at me, confusion written all over his face.

  This was it. This was my moment, and as much as I wanted to tell him, and knew I should, I chickened out. “I live downstairs,” I blurted.

  “Huh?” he shook his head.

  “I live in a condo on the third floor. I bought it when I moved back here. I wanted to be close to you, and this place made me feel that way. So I bought a condo here,” I rushed the words out as fast as I could and then paused as the silence enveloped us.

  “And you thought I’d be upset about this?” He scratched his head.

  “I didn’t tell you. I thought you’d be mad about that,” I shrugged. “I’m sorry.”

  He tried to keep a straight face, I could tell he was fighting it, but his lips slowly began to curl on the edges.

  “So you’re not mad,” I bit my lip.

  “No,” he shook his head. “Anything else?”

  I thought about Mara again, but shook my head no instead. “No, nothing else.” It was a lie, and the fact that it was so easy to lie to him scared me. It was a byproduct of living as someone else my entire life. Lying was easy, and that scared me more than anything, but I just wasn’t ready. I wasn’t sure if I’d ever be.

  Chapter 9

  As I stood staring out the window, watching the city light up, Dev quietly stood behind me. We’d yet to go back to our dinner, which I’m sure was cold now.

  “What are you thinking about?” he whispered as he wrapped his arms around my waist.

  “Nothing,” I mumbled. The truth was, Mara was at the front of my mind, but I couldn’t tell him that. I knew it was going to be something that we had to discuss, and soon, but not tonight. Tonight, I just wanted to stay in our little bubble and ignore the outside world.

  “That crease on your forehead, and the way you're grinding your teeth says otherwise,” he leaned down and kissed my temple.

  “Can you please stop,” I sighed as I stepped out of his embrace and moved away from him. “I can’t do this.”

  “Do what?” he reached up and gripped the back of his neck.

  “This,” I waved my arm between us. “You’re analyzing everything I do. I just…” I growled in frustration. “Stop being a cop!”

  “Sam,” he let his chin drop to his chest as a breath escaped him. “I can’t stop being who I am. I’ve always been a cop. I just don’t have to hide it now. Don’t you understand,” he peered up at me before shaking his head, “I’m trying to be myself, to show you who I am. I don’t know how to be anything else. Being a cop is in my blood. It’s who I am.”

  “I’m sorry,” I rubbed my eyes. “You’re right. I want you to be you. No more hiding stuff.”

  “Want to finish eating?” he smirked at me. “I’m sure you’re hungry.”

  “I guess…” my voice trailed off right as my stomach decided to growl.

  “See?” he laughed. “You need to eat.”

  I gripped my middle, “That’s so embarrassing,” I muttered. “Yeah, let’s eat,” I made my way over to the table while Dev grabbed our plates and put them in the microwave. “So are you really back?” I watched him tense slightly. His back was to me, and I know he was trying to sound unaffected.

  “For now,” he sighed. “I don’t plan on going back under, but I’m still a cop. I still have to work.” His head turned slightly as he watched me out of the corner of his eye, “That’s never gonna change.”

  I nodded as I crossed my legs. I knew he couldn’t just quit, and as scared as I was about what the future held, I knew I couldn’t ask him to change.

  “Are you gonna be ok with that?” He carried our plates over to the table and sat down across from me.

  “I’m gonna try,” I muttered as I stuffed a bite of pasta in my mouth. “That’s all I can promise right now. I’ll try.”

  “I can live with that,” he smiled as he, too, began eating.

  When we were both finished, Dev gathered our plates and carried them to the kitchen. I started to stand, but he narrowed his eyes at me as he ordered me to relax.

  “You cooked, it’s only fair that I help with the dishes,” I tilted my head to the side.

  “Un huh,” he waved his finger and made a tsking sound. “You clean up after people every day at work. Let someone take care of you for a change,” he smirked and then turned back toward the sink. He had no idea how close to home he was actually hitting. I did clean up after someone daily, but it wasn’t at work. It was a mere twenty or so feet below us.

  “Well,” I began to protest, but gave up when he glared at me once again. “Fine,” I giggled as I stood and made my way back to the couch. I sat and glanced at my watch as I listened to the dishes clink together while he cleaned them. It was getting close to nine, and I was sure Mara was now asleep. I had told my mother that I wouldn’t be out late, and now that Dev knew where I lived, I wasn’t sure how I was going to escape without a million questions.

  When he finished, Dev situated himself beside me and reached for the remote to the stereo. After turning on some soft music, he shifted to look at me. “What?” he smirked.

  “This,” I looked away from him as my voice dropped to a whisper. “It seems…” I trailed off.

  “Domestic?” his voice strained, he leaned in and kissed my neck.

  “Something like that,” I stiffened when he slid closer.

  “Sam, what’s wrong?” he rubbed his palms down his thighs.

  “Nothing,” I sighed. “I’m just…” I wasn’t sure what it was. Maybe it was the fact that it was all happening so fast again. Dev and I didn’t seem to have a normal speed. Everything was always in fast forward. I couldn’t explain why I was suddenly so tense around him. We’d already had sex. Maybe it was the fact that I was still hiding Mara. I just didn’t want her to get hurt, and I knew that if I told Dev about her, and he didn’t want her that’s exactly what would happen… to both of us.

  Without saying anything, he stood and offered his hand. I sat there confused as I stared at it.

  “Dance with me?” His eyes softened as one side of his lips curled up in a boyish grin.

  “Huh?” I watched him as I tried shoving my previous thoughts to the back of my mind.

  “Come here,” he tugged on my hand causing me to stand. As our chests pressed together, he wrapped one arm around my waist, and gripped my hand in the other. He placed our joined hands on his chest and began swaying to the music. Soft mellow guitar and piano chords began to float through the air as a man’s voice began to sing about not giving up.

  I could feel Dev’s heartbeat thundering under our joined hands as he shuffled us around the living room. The music did nothing to muffle the conversation that was silently going on between us. My body hummed in appreciation as he caressed my back and leaned down to nuzzle my neck. “I’ve wanted things like this for so long. You don’t know how badly. Since the moment I got you back here all those years ago, I prayed that I’d get another chance. I wanted what everyone has: a real relationship with the woman I loved, with no lies between us. I’m not giving up on that dream, Sam. Whatever it takes, I promise, I’m going to make it work.”

  I melted against him a little more with each word that tumbled softly out of his mouth. This wasn’t the Dev that I’d found four years ago. Brian was an alpha, and this ma
n… he was confusing the hell out of me. I wasn’t complaining, but seeing this softer side was throwing me for a loop. I needed to him to boss me around. I needed to see that the person I’d met before was still in there. I wanted this one, but I wanted the other one, too.

  I nodded my head as I placed it on his shoulder, “I want it to work so much; you have no idea how much.” I wanted this for Mara. I wanted the happy family that I’d dreamed about as I grew up. I wanted Mara to have two parents that loved each other and weren’t worrying about their future constantly.

  “Stay,” he whispered as the song ended. “I’ll make sure you’re up in the morning. Stay with me tonight,” his warm breath trailed across my ear and neck causing me to shiver.

  I lifted my head and stared into his dark eyes, “I can’t.” Hurt spread across his face as his eyes watched my expression for deception I’m sure. “My mom’s back at my place waiting on me. I promised I’d be home tonight.” It was a lame excuse and one I hoped he’d buy without asking a ton of questions.

  His head bobbed quickly one time and his arms released their hold on me, “ok.”

  “Ok?” I wrinkled my forehead. “What? No third degree?”

  “I trust you. If you need to go, go,” his face appeared pained as if he was forcing the words out while trying to convince himself that it was the right thing to do.

  “It’s not that I don’t want to be here, I do, believe that. I just—I have some things that I need to take care of before I can start staying over,” I pushed up onto my tiptoes and placed a kiss to his cheek.

  “Can I see you tomorrow?” He smiled as he trailed a knuckle down the side of my face.

  “I think that can be arranged,” I smiled as I turned and headed for the door.

  As I gathered my things, Dev stood watching my every move. It was like he was memorizing this moment. I slowly opened the door and stepped out into hall before turning to offer one last goodbye. Dev watched me until I made it to the elevator. I heard his door click shut just as the elevator doors closed, taking me back downstairs to my place.

  ooooooooo

  Morning came too quick the next day. It was Sunday, the one day of the week that we were closed. I had promised my employees that Sundays would be their one guaranteed day off each week. I didn’t need to be open every day. Business was great, and until that changed, I wanted to be able to make the bar a place people wanted to be.

  Mara had woken before me, and I could hear her in the living room watching cartoons and giggling. I knew I needed to get up, but after the lack of sleep, I was really dragging. Even though I’d gotten home at a reasonable time, my mother had spent an hour lecturing me about the need to talk to Dev. Then, once I actually got to bed, I didn’t get much sleep. I’d spent most of the night tossing and turning as I stared at the ceiling thinking about how I could tell him. One part of me said just blurt it out, while another part was afraid of blindsiding him. I think the worst part was that I knew my mom was right. Hiding Mara was not the way to go about this, and regardless of how he felt about me, he’d want to know his daughter.

  As I laid there wrestling with the idea of getting up, my phone chimed with a text.

  Mom: Running a little late. Be there in 10.

  I flopped back on my pillow and released a sigh. Mom had agreed to go with us to the park today. The weather was supposed to be great, and with winter around the corner, I wanted to Mara to be able to play outside as much as possible. This was going to be her first time seeing snow. Winters in Nevada were much warmer. Chicago was going to be a brand new experience for her.

  I quickly climbed out of bed, pulled my hair up into a tie, put on my slippers, and made my way toward the kitchen. Coffee was going to be my savior today, and I needed it fast.

  “Morning, Mommy,” Mara called as she bounced on the couch.

  “Morning, baby,” I smiled as shuffled into the kitchen. “Grandma’s coming over soon so we can go to the park for family day today.”

  “Yeah!” Mara bounced again. “Can we have a picnic?” she grinned.

  “We can stop at the sandwich shop and get something. I don’t really have anything to pack here. Mommy needs to grocery shop,” I gave her a fake pout as I reached for the creamer in the fridge.

  “Ok,” she giggled.

  As I waited for the coffee to finish brewing, I leaned against the counter and watched my daughter. She looked so much like her father except for her hair. The blonde seemed to be darkening more each day. The light streaks that she’d had from the Nevada sun had almost faded away and had been replaced with a dark chocolate color.

  I was so lost in my daydreams of the three of us as a family that I didn’t even hear the knock on the door. “I’ll get it,” Mara squealed as she jumped up from the couch.

  “No, I’ll get it,” I called as I rounded the corner and put my hand out to stop her. If I’d been paying attention to the time, I would have known that there was no way it could have been my mother, but my tired brain wasn’t moving at its normal speed.

  I yanked opened the door, and froze when I saw who was on the other side. “Hello,” Mara’s sweet voice was tentative as she stood behind me peering around my legs. “Who are you?”

  With a drink tray holding two coffees in one hand and a small paper bag holding what was probably some type of breakfast in the other hand, Dev stood momentarily stunned.

  “Shit!” I hissed under my breath.

  He squatted down in front of Mara and smiled, “My name’s Dev. Who are you?”

  “I’m Mara,” she giggled. “I live here.” Her finger slipped into the corner of her mouth as she appraised him.

  Dev’s eyes lifted to meet mine, and a look I couldn’t figure out slipped into place. He stood once again and held out the bag, “I brought breakfast. I thought I’d surprise you.”

  “I can explain,” tears welled in my eyes. I knew what was about to happen, and I couldn’t do a thing to stop it.

  “Mara,” I reached for my daughter’s shoulder and turned her to face me. “Can you go play in your room? I need to talk to Dev for a minute.”

  She nodded as her eyes danced between us, “Sure, Mommy.”

  As a sigh escaped me, Mara took off running down the hallway. As soon as her door clicked shut, I turned to face the man in front of me.

  “You have a right to be upset, but please let me explain,” I motioned for him to come inside. As we made our way over to the kitchen table, a million different scenarios began running through my head, each one worse than the last. My secret was out, and now I was going to have to deal with the fallout. My baby was going to experience heartache in a way that I couldn’t even prepare myself for. Dev’s response to this, either way, was going to change our entire world.

  Chapter 10

  “I can explain,” I was panicked and the words kept repeating as I watched him make his way into my kitchen. “I didn’t think I’d ever find you; it’s been so long.”

  His shoulders were tense, and as he placed the items he was carrying on the counter, he froze, his back to me.

  “I’m sorry,” my voice choked, and I sucked in a breath, willing the tears to stay hidden.

  “Does she know?” his words were almost a growl. “Of course, she doesn’t,” he muttered more to himself than me. He turned to face me and lifted his arms as if he was willing me to make all of this make sense.

  I slowly sank into a chair at the table and buried my head in my hands, “Please,” I begged. “Please don’t break her heart. If you don’t want me anymore, that’s fine,” I swallowed as I forced myself to continue. I could feel my stomach churning, and I was fighting to stay calm. Mara was in her room, but if we got loud enough, she’d hear us. “She doesn’t deserve anymore pain.”

  “What are you talking about?” Dev’s voice was even as he shoved off the counter.

  I slowly looked up and wiped at my eyes. “She doesn’t know about you.”

  “I got that much from our meeting at the door,” h
e crossed his arms over his chest.

  “No,” I shook my head. “There’s so much more. So much I need to tell you… about Nevada.”

  “Is that where you’ve been,” he shifted on his feet and pinched the bridge of his nose.

  I nodded slowly and before I could speak, another knock sounded. My head snapped in the direction of the door, and Dev scowled. “It’s my mom,” I clarified. “We were going to have a family day at the park. Do you want to come?”

  “Are you going to tell her who I am?” he questioned.

  “In time,” I whispered. When his scowl deepened, I continued. “You need to know the whole story. She’s not going to understand. I need to tell you about Nevada.”

  He sighed as he closed his eyes and released a breath, “Fine.”

  “Fine, you’ll come?” I stood up to let my mom in.

  “Yeah,” he followed behind me, and when I opened the door, my mother gasped.

  “It’s really you! You’re back?” She smiled softly as she stepped into the condo.

  “Yes, ma’am,” Dev held out his hand to shake hers just as Mara came barreling out.

  “Grandma!” she squealed. “We’re going to the park… and we’re going to get sandwiches… and Mommy has a new friend,” her little mouth was moving so fast none of us could get a word in. “Right?” she turned toward me and grinned.

  “Sure, baby. Go get your shoes on,” I ran my hand through her soft hair before turning to face Dev, “I just need a minute to throw some clothes on.”

  After quickly dressing in a pair of jeans and a sweatshirt, I re-did my hair and placed a baseball cap on top of my head. My eyes were still red from breaking down in the kitchen, but I hoped the hat would help cover them. When I came back out into the living area, Dev and my mom were whispering to one another as they sat shoulder to shoulder on the couch.

  “Ready?” I cleared my throat and watched them almost jump apart.

  “Honey?” My mom glanced back at me and then at Dev. I slowly shook my head as I watched her face. I knew what she was going to say, and I mentally begged her not to. “I think I’m going to skip today. You two need time with Mara, and I’ve got lots to do at home.”