A Plain & Fancy Christmas

by Cynthia Keller

  “I know it’s not acceptable for me to go on. But I need to find a way. Now I see that this has been what’s missing for me. I love delving into things, getting to the heart of issues I’d never even heard of before. I want to go to school. Or I’ll teach myself, I don’t care. But I need to learn.”

  “But what about—”

  Rachel held up a hand. “There are so many questions. I don’t have any answers yet. I know only two things. I’m Amish, and I always want to be Amish. Maybe if Jacob had lived, I would have gone on very happily just that way. But now I know a second thing, too. I need my life to be a little bigger, a little broader.”

  They sat in silence.

  Rachel finally broke it. “May I ask you for a favor?”

  “Of course.”

  “Would you tell Katie I’m not angry or upset with her? She may be worrying about that. Tell her I’m very sorry about what she went through, and I’m just happy she’s okay.”

  “Oh, yes, right away.” She jumped up. “I’ll go now.”

  Rachel’s voice was quiet. “Thank you, Ellie.”

  When she pulled the car up to the King house, she saw Katie, wearing her shawl and bonnet, heading toward the horse barn. She called the little girl’s name. It was still dark, but Katie recognized her voice and came toward the car. Leaving the headlights on, Ellie got out and put an arm around her.

  “Your mother is at my house.”

  Katie’s face grew anxious. “Is she okay?”

  “She’s fine. She wanted me to tell you something.”

  As Ellie relayed the message, she saw Katie’s worried expression relax a bit.

  “I didn’t mean to cause so much trouble,” she said. “I just wanted to get away from everything. The other children. And the big buildings, and no space. I loved it so much at first. Then it was all so—I couldn’t think straight. But I shouldn’t have done such a thing to my mother and everybody. Are Grandma and Grandpa in New York mad at me?”

  Ellie quickly reassured her that no one was mad at her, just glad she was safe.

  “I’ve made a mess of everything.”

  “Sweetheart, no!” Ellie put an arm around Katie and brought her close. The little girl didn’t protest, but leaned into her. “If there’s a mess, I promise you had nothing to do with it.” She put her hand under Katie’s chin and lifted her face up so she was looking directly at her. “You don’t want to be running away again, though, right? Giving a whole bunch of people heart attacks!” She smiled to try to lighten the impact of her words. “But you’ve been the greatest kid, and I know that for a fact. Grandma and Grandpa loved you so much. Everyone did—Nick and A.J., everyone. You made a lot of people very happy.”

  Katie shook her head. “Not my mother. When can I see her?”

  Ellie had no idea how to answer, so she took a step back, rubbing her gloved hands together. “Listen, it’s too cold to stand around out here. You’re off to the barn, right? I’m going inside, and I’ll see you later, okay?”

  “Okay.”

  Ellie made her way to the house, not sure what to expect. By now, the family would have finished breakfast, so they would probably be scattered, doing their various chores. Instead, she opened the door to see Leah, Isaac, Hannah, and Amos sitting at the kitchen table, coffee cups before them, solemn expressions on their faces. Fearful of how they would react to her, she stuck just her head in.

  “May I come in?”

  Isaac answered first. “Yes, of course.”

  Ellie joined them and waited to see what they wanted—or were willing—to say to her.

  “Coffee for you?” Hannah asked.

  “No, thank you, nothing.”

  “They tell me Rachel is with you,” Amos said. “Is she all right?”

  “Yes. She’s very upset, but she’s all right.”

  “We are very upset as well,” Isaac said. “This turned out badly.”

  “I can only apologize with all my heart for the part I played in bringing this situation to all of you.”

  “But we don’t think you played a part in this,” Isaac said. “I don’t know why you have such an idea. It was Rachel’s decision to go to New York. You had nothing to do with it.”

  “But if I hadn’t come here …”

  Leah spoke for the first time. “Ellie, you don’t understand. You are part of our family. You came here and brought us many good things. We are very happy that you now live here. It would have been terrible to find out we had a daughter, and never know her. Rachel is like the other side of a coin. The two of you are forever connected, but not together. What she does about the situation is her part of it. It has nothing to do with you.”

  “That’s very gracious of you.”

  “Not gracious. It is just the way it is. Like what you do is not because of anything she does.”

  “It is such a situation to be in,” Isaac said, “to find out you have new parents.”

  Ellie saw an opening to plead Rachel’s case. “Because everyone wants to know their parents, and needs their parents, no matter who or where they are.”

  “Yes, of course,” Hannah said.

  “I’m lucky. I have four parents to love. I want to be with all of them, and I’m not even a child.” She paused. “By the way, I saw Katie outside. She asked me when she could see her mother. I didn’t know what to tell her. So I hope you’ll tell me what you want done as we go forward.”

  Pain was evident in Isaac’s eyes. “We will.”

  Ellie got up. She hadn’t been subtle, and from the tilt of her head, she saw that Leah understood exactly what she was doing. Ellie knew she had overstepped her bounds, and she hoped they wouldn’t be upset with her for it. But she had come to love all these people, and she would do anything if it would help resolve the fissure that was threatening to tear them apart.

  “I’ll go help tend to the horses,” she said.

  Isaac suddenly looked exhausted, and Ellie wished she could go over and hug him. “I’ll come outside soon. We still have much to talk about here.”

  Ellie only hoped their talk would end up with all the broken parts—and hearts—being put back together.

  Chapter 34

  “Hi.” Ellie, her nose red from the cold, came in and greeted Rachel, who was scrambling eggs to go along with a platter of pancakes. Seeing the enormous breakfast, Ellie laughed. “The two of us are going to eat this?”

  Rachel looked a bit sheepish. “It’s habit, I guess. I tried to cut down, but when you’re used to cooking for so many, it’s hard. I did it a lot in New York, too, but I froze the leftovers. We could freeze the pancakes, right?”

  “I suppose. Anyway, it looks great.” Ellie retrieved a bottle of syrup and poured two glasses of orange juice.

  “So, please tell me what you saw.”

  The two of them sat down and helped themselves to food as Ellie spoke. She had just returned from the morning chores at the farm, and knew that after her second sleepless night in Ellie’s house, Rachel had been waiting anxiously for her report.

  “It seemed better than yesterday. Less tension in the air.”

  Ellie took a large bite of pancake. “So do you know what you’re going to do when you go over there?”

  “I have to see what happens. Maybe they won’t want to talk to me.”

  “But you’re going to talk to them about school, right?”

  “I guess.”

  Ellie’s tone turned stern. “Rachel, you have to! You have to try, at least. If it can’t be done, that’s one thing. But do you want to give up without even finding out if it’s possible?”

  Rachel gave her head an unhappy shake.

  “There’s got to be some way. This is such an unusual situation—can’t you get some leeway here?”

  “I don’t want to do anything to my family that’s going to cause them more pain.”

  Ellie finished her eggs, considering Rachel’s words. “You know, it’s really not for me to tell you what to do. Coming from my background, I ca
n’t help but encourage you. But that’s not fair because it’s not your background. Maybe I’m pushing you, and I shouldn’t sow seeds of dissatisfaction. I apologize.”

  Her food only half eaten, Rachel pushed her plate away. “No, I appreciate your support. It was simpler before I found out the truth about me, about us.”

  Ellie took several plates to the sink and turned on the water. “I wonder what would have happened if we’d found out when we were younger. Like, say fifteen years old. Maybe I would have become Amish. It might have been possible when I was that age.”

  Rachel deposited the rest of the dirty dishes on the counter. “That was around the time I actually did experiment with living like the English. I might have spent more time away from here than I did. Still, now that I see what it means to come home, I think in the end I probably would have returned anyway.”

  “And maybe I wouldn’t have appreciated the things here that I can appreciate now. We’ll never know what either one of us would have done, eh?” Ellie smiled.

  The telephone rang. Hurriedly drying her hands, Ellie picked up the receiver. Rachel heard her mention Carson’s name, and a brief conversation followed.

  She hung up and turned to Rachel. “One of the waitresses at the new café called in sick. They need me to do the lunch shift. But I’m going over now to help get ready.”

  “Oh.”

  Ellie looked concerned. “I wanted to go to the house with you. You’ll go, right?”

  “Of course I will. I didn’t know you wanted to come with me.”

  “Moral support.” Ellie gave her a quick hug.

  Three hours later, however, Rachel was still in Ellie’s house, dreading the confrontation with her family. But she knew if she waited much longer, Katie would get home from school. Her daughter had been through enough without being exposed to whatever unpleasantness might result from her appearance there; it was that thought that finally forced her to put on her shawl and bonnet.

  The day was overcast and bitingly cold. Head down against the wind, she made her way along the road. When she reached the Kings’ farm, she walked toward the barn, where she figured she was most likely to find her father. Entering the building, she recognized the warmth and smells from what felt like a long time ago. She saw Isaac at once, moving around among the cows. When he emerged into the wide middle aisle, he looked in her direction and stopped.

  “Hello,” she called, hoping her voice didn’t shake.

  “Rachel.” He took a few steps in her direction.

  Her relief was so great, she practically ran toward him.

  “It’s a long time since you’ve been at home,” he said.

  “Yes.”

  “I’ve missed you very much, you and Katie.”

  Fighting against tears, she nodded. “I’ve missed you, too.”

  “Many things happened there in New York City.”

  It wasn’t a question, but she knew he was waiting for an explanation.

  “It wasn’t good for Katie, I see that now. But there was a lot of good in it.”

  He didn’t say anything.

  “You understood, didn’t you—that I had to go?”

  “I did.”

  “You were right, of course; it’s easier for Ellie to live here than for me to live there. She can continue to be who she was before. Too much there is wrong for us.” She paused. “But those people are my family, too.”

  “Yes, little one, they are.”

  He hadn’t called her by that nickname in many years, and hearing it made her want to cry all over again.

  “They’re good people. They were so kind to us. And … they taught me some things about myself that I needed to know.”

  “What things are those?”

  She took a deep breath. “I want to go back to school. To study again.”

  She saw the stunned look on her father’s face, but couldn’t stop the words from pouring out of her. “It’s always been what I wanted. I just didn’t realize. You never knew, but when I was a teenager, living away from here, I took some high school courses. It wasn’t allowed, so I never told you. But now I’ve seen all the learning going on everywhere around me, and I want to be one of those people. Those people who learn.”

  Isaac rubbed the back of his neck as he considered the significance of what she was saying. “You want to go back to school? You know this is not how we do things. Besides, there isn’t any place for you to go. You would need to go to high school, but you are a grown woman.”

  “There are things you can study through the mail. Or get a home course. Oh, I don’t know what’s involved, but you don’t have to go to a physical school.”

  He looked at her for a few moments. “This is something you have always wanted?”

  “I think so, yes. But I didn’t understand it. I was so busy with Jacob and then Katie … But when I read books in New York, it was like I found a place that belonged to me. Or a place where I belonged. My life had an empty spot in it, and I finally saw that.”

  He sighed. “I don’t understand this. But I guess for you it is different.”

  “Tell me what to do,” she whispered.

  He thought. “There’s only one answer. We must speak with the bishop. He’ll decide what can or cannot be done, and how we are to do it.” He smiled at her. “You know he is always wise, and very fair. I’m sure he will have the answer.”

  She nodded. The bishop for their church district was the one who would decide what came next. All such major decisions about what was permissible or not were made by him. She had always respected him, and she hoped he would find a way to help her now.

  “Have you seen your mother?” Isaac asked.

  “I wasn’t sure she was willing to see me.”

  “Go to her.”

  Rachel looked at her father with love, and he smiled before turning back to his work.

  She didn’t have to go far to locate her mother. Coming around the corner of the house, she found Leah King standing in the doorway, waiting for her. As usual, she missed nothing.

  “Good morning.” Rachel stopped in front of her.

  “I’m ironing. Come with me.”

  Leah turned and went back to work without waiting to see if her daughter followed. For a moment, Rachel reveled in being back amid the comforting sight and smells of the family kitchen.

  Leah still hadn’t spoken, and Rachel was unsure how to break the silence. She mustered her courage as best she could, then went to stand near the ironing board.

  “I know you’re disappointed,” she finally got out.

  Shaking her head, Leah looked at her. “That was yesterday. I’m not today. And I’m very sorry for my anger. Being wrong that way is as bad as doing something wrong.”

  “You’re not angry?” Rachel knew her mother meant exactly what she said, but she found it hard to believe.

  Leah set down the iron. “I’m just a person. I have many weaknesses, as we all do. But forgiveness is so important … I’m very sad and ashamed about my anger. I hope you can forgive me.”

  “Don’t say that! There’s nothing for me to forgive.”

  Rachel was surprised when her mother took her by the hand and led her to the sofa to sit down.

  “It’s time to speak of some things I never thought I would speak of,” Leah began. “The truth is that I was always harder on you than I was on the other children.”

  “Harder?”

  “I was more strict. I didn’t allow you to do what I allowed them to do. You may not have realized it, but it was so.”

  “But why?”

  Leah looked down as she folded her hands in her lap. “Because I worried the most about you.”

  “I don’t understand.”

  “You were the most like me. And I tried to change that about you.”

  Stunned, Rachel didn’t know what to say. Her mother’s eyes rose to meet Rachel’s as she continued.

  “I was a girl like you. I had a lot of questions and doubts. I wanted to do and s
ee all the time. When I was a teenager I had my own times when I thought about leaving for good to go into the English world.”

  “Not you.” Rachel couldn’t believe what she was hearing, the words contradicting everything she thought she knew about her mother.

  “Yes. It was very hard for me. Then, when I married your father and I left my family to come live here, it was hard in other ways. But we had our children, and our life has been a good, busy one. I found contentment in our ways, and any doubts I ever had disappeared.”

  Rachel could only nod.

  “I know this must shock you. But you need to understand that I knew what you were going through. I was very afraid that you might actually leave us, first when you were around seventeen, and then, after Jacob … Now, you find a different family who would take you in, to live in the English world if you want to go. I’ve been so worried that I didn’t do a good enough job, and you would take this chance and go.”

  Rachel spoke softly. “I always thought you didn’t have the same feelings for me as you did for the others. Because I caused you so much trouble.”

  Leah was clearly shocked. “That’s not true! I felt for every child the same. But I feared for you because you were so much like me. The others are more like your father.”

  “All these years, I thought …” Rachel shook her head in amazement. “The crazy part is that it turns out I’m not even your daughter.”

  “Don’t say that. You are. I didn’t give birth to you, but you are.”

  “But you were worried because I was so much like you.” Rachel started to laugh. “You realize how confusing this is?”

  A smile spread across Leah’s face, and she began to laugh as well.

  “Grandma, we can start—” Katie came into the room at that moment. When she saw her mother, she bolted across the room and threw her arms around her. “Here you are!”

  Rachel hadn’t realized she’d been at the house long enough for Katie to get back from school. She was grateful beyond words that her daughter had come in to find her mother and grandmother laughing together; it so easily could have been otherwise. “Yes, my Katie, here I am. And so are you, I’m thankful to see.”