Million Dollar Marriage

by Evans, Katy

  I scowl at her. “I had a virus!”

  “Yeah.” She crosses her arms. “Right. Come on, Nell. I know you. Since you came back from filming you’ve been a totally different person.”

  “No, I haven’t,” I mumble. I’ve been a wreck since I got back from Maui, because all I’ve been able to think of is Luke, Luke, Luke. It’s a wonder she didn’t call someone to take me away to a padded room, considering how many times in the past two months I’ve caught myself staring off into space, flushed and feverish with thoughts of his body against mine. “What does that even mean?”

  “I mean that the Nell I used to know was so afraid of anything if it wasn’t found between the pages of a book. But look at you now!” She motions to the laptop. “You’re the girl who was scared to death at the thought of lecturing a classroom. And now you’re applying to be a professor at all these colleges. I’ve seen a girl who is happier. More adventurous. More outgoing. More relaxed. And at first I thought it was the game that made you that way. But as I watched the show, I knew it. It was the man.”

  All right. I figured it would be obvious to Courtney once she saw the show just how infatuated I’d become with Luke. He clearly had every woman in the country wrapped around his finger, and they didn’t get to sleep in his arms every night. I’m not ashamed to have fallen under his spell; any other woman would have too. “Fine. I love him. So what?”

  She looks at me like I’m utterly insane. “It’s not just that. He made you love yourself, Nell. And you know how many men out there can do that? Like, none. If you love him, then for the life of me, I can’t understand why you would say no way!”

  “Because! Didn’t you see all those clips from the finale? He clearly didn’t feel the same way and was just wanting to marry me for the extra money. That’s all.”

  “Nell. I watched the finale, yes. But I also watched the whole season. I saw him falling utterly in love with you. Utterly in love.”

  “That’s not possible. No one in that finale saw that.”

  “Of course they did! They were jealous, maybe. We all saw you two staring into each other’s eyes for an eternity when you finally won, and he was whispering to you, and it was like you were the only woman in the world. He’s stupid silly in love with you. I have no doubt about that. Watch the clips again if you don’t believe me.”

  I shake my head. “You’re wrong.”

  “No, honey. You know I’m right. That’s why you’re destroyed. Because you found your soul mate, the man who made you your best self, and you were looking happiness in the eye, and instead you let other people tell you how to feel. You screwed up, sweetie. But it’s okay. I have no doubt from the way he looked when you stormed off the stage that he’s waiting for you, probably feeling as bad as you feel right now.”

  I cover my face with my hands, my whole body shaking with self-loathing and regret. “I did screw up, didn’t I? And you know how pathetic I am? Part of me thinks that even if he wanted to stay married to me just for the money, I should have still stayed with him. It would’ve been better than this. Because this . . . without him? I hate it. I can’t stand it.”

  “Trust me. It wasn’t about the money for him. Go after him. Get your man.”

  I shake my head, feeling like a ton of bricks is sitting right on my chest. “I can’t. I had my chance. I blew it.”

  She gives me a disappointed look. “Why? Because Nell Carpenter always has to be right and can’t admit when she’s wrong?”

  “Yes. Pretty much.”

  “Even if it means the difference between happiness and utter misery?”

  I nod. “I deserve utter misery for what I did to him. Did you know that I was the one who had to jump him? He kept refusing to have sex with me, because he didn’t think he was good enough. And then when we finally did have sex, he proposed to me. For real. He gave me this.” I reach into my bedside table and pull out the ring. “To tell me he wanted me. Forever.”

  I drop it in her palm, and she gasps at it. “Oh, gosh. Oh, Nell. That’s probably the most heart-wrenching and romantic thing I’ve ever heard of. What the fuck did you do?”

  I start to sob. “I don’t deserve him. I’m a horrible person, and I don’t. I spent all this time thinking I was too good for him, when he’s too good for me. I think I deserve to be miserable for the rest of my life because of what I did to him.”

  “Sweetie, you don’t. You deserve to be happy.”

  “And he does too. But he doesn’t deserve to have someone walk all over him the way I did,” I tell her, squaring my shoulders. “That’s why I want to go to Amherst. I need to get away from all this. From him. Even if our paths never cross in this city, just knowing he’s in the same town and what we could’ve had will kill me.”

  She hands me the ring. “You have to give that back to him, first.”

  My eyes drift to the ring. It’s so pretty. I’ve known I need to give it back, but the thought of going to him and handing it to him fills me with dread. “I know. Maybe I can just mail it to him. I have the address of his bar.”

  Courtney shakes her head. “Cop-out. That’s the old Nell talking. The one who hid from the real world and was afraid of her own shadow. You’re not that woman anymore. You know it. You know hiding out here in your room isn’t you. You have to talk to him.”

  She’s right. And even if it’s doubtlessly going to be the most painful thing I’ve ever done, I have to see him again. Just once. “All right. Fine. I’ll go.”

  “Today.”

  “Today? It’s Christmas Eve.”

  “So? You’ve put it off a week. You said it yourself—you treated him badly. You owe this to him.”

  I slide out of bed. “Fine. I will.”

  She smiles sadly. “Good. But god, Nell. Take a shower first. You smell like cheese. I’ll have all the spiked eggnog you can drink waiting for you when you get home.”

  I reach for my robe, knowing for sure that I’m going to need a lot more than spiked eggnog to lift my spirits when all of this is done.

  As I’m getting ready to go, I think about what she said. And I realize that while I might be lost in the throes of grief, I am a different person now. A better person. I’m stronger now. Because of him. Because he inspired me, helped me find myself, and never doubted me.

  Yes, I got my heart smashed to pieces. But when I put it back together, it’ll be stronger with the scars he left on it.

  And the more I think about it, the more I know—I’d go back and do it again in a second. Because a scarred heart is better than one that never really beat at all.

  Luke

  It doesn’t matter now because it’s over. But yeah, I was angry at the finale. My answer would have been different. I can’t blame her, though. I blame the producers.

  —Luke’s Interview with TV Buzz Daily

  It’s late. The bar is just about empty. I told customers I was closing up early so I could spend Christmas with Gran, but that ain’t true. I spent the morning with her, and I’ll be there tomorrow. Tonight I’m going to do what I’ve done the past seven nights in a row.

  Get shitfaced.

  I’m already halfway there.

  In the past, I’ve made it a point not to drink until I’ve closed the bar. But not anymore. I’ve been sneaking shots of tequila from behind the bar since noon. The jukebox is spitting out “Rudolph,” and there are twinkling colored Christmas lights everywhere, but I don’t think there’s a more depressing place on earth.

  I have Gran. I have Jimmy, I have Lizzy. I have a thousand other people I call friends that I could surround myself with.

  But they’re not her.

  Jimmy’s been ironing out the details of his latest stunt for the past few hours over at his office table. He comes up to the bar to settle his tab and takes a hard look at me. “Jesus, Luke. Slow down.”

  I reach for the twenty he lays on the bar and don’t meet his eyes. “Fuck you.”

  I’ve known Jimmy long enough that he won’t take it persona
lly. But even if I didn’t, that’d be my response. A big old fuck you to the world. He shrugs it right off. “Yeah? Listen, Luke. We all know what this attitude is from. The girl. If you want her so bad, go out and get her.”

  I open the cash register. Put the bill in. “Don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about.”

  He does, though. He was with Lizzy when I asked her for help with the ring. He saw how fucking happy I was. How excited I was to have Penny as my wife. How I couldn’t wait to have her with me all the time, like he has Lizzy. Then he and thirteen million other people saw when she tore my fucking heart out and stomped on it as she left the stage.

  I pour myself another drink and down it. “Fine,” I admit, staring at the bar. “Maybe I do. But I ain’t going anywhere. It’s over.”

  I pick up the bottle. Fuck the shot glass. I’m going to finish this sucker anyway.

  Rowan’s gaze follows the tequila as I wrap my lips around the bottle. “You should take it easy. I wish you’d come with Lizzy and me. We’re going out to dinner.”

  I shake my head. What I want right now is to climb into bed and finish saying that fuck you to the world until I black out. “Nah. Go on. Merry Christmas.”

  He gives me a worried glance and then begs off. The last two customers leave, and I’m alone. I usually spend an hour after closing getting everything cleaned up, but I can’t be bothered. I don’t even lock the door. Soon this place won’t even be my problem anymore. I grab the bottle of tequila by the neck and start to climb the stairs to my apartment.

  “Luke.”

  The voice hits me in the gut.

  I turn slowly. And she is there. Two of her. I blink until the two visions join into one. Penny. Beautiful Penny, wearing a little white coat with a furry hood. She looks like an angel.

  For a moment I think she may have come for me, to tell me she made a mistake. I take a few steps down. But then I see the case in her hand. She sets it on the bar and says, “I came to give this back to you.”

  I look at it without interest and turn around to go back up the stairs.

  “Luke.” Her voice is louder now.

  I turn around. “What?”

  She lowers the hood and bites on her lip. “Well. Um. I’m going to Massachusetts in January. I got a job up there. I just wanted to tell you that, well . . . I’m sorry.”

  “You’re sorry?” I repeat the words, because they sound so fucking wrong. Again and again. She’s sorry. How?

  I push forward and stalk over to her, slamming the tequila bottle down on the bar so hard that she flinches.

  I get up close to her and wipe my mouth with my hand. “I’m sorry for a lot of things in my life, but I’ll never be sorry for one minute I spent with you. Not one minute of it. Because that was the only fucking time in my life I was actually doing something right. When I was falling in love with and loving you.”

  She stares at me, her face pale.

  “Regardless of what those clips show, I didn’t fuck Charity. I didn’t even touch her. I swear I didn’t look at another woman. Because I was so into you. You were in my veins from the minute I saw you in line at the audition, reading that big textbook. You have to be out of your mind to think that any woman on that stage could even hold a candle to you. It’s been you from the minute I laid eyes on you.”

  “But . . . ,” she whispers, her brow wrinkling. “I know I was wrong. I know you can’t forgive me.”

  I try to shake my head, but even that small movement makes me dizzy. I still myself against the end of the bar and try to focus on her so I don’t end up falling over. “What’d I tell you? You’re never wrong with me. Never. There’s nothing to forgive.”

  She just stands there, like she can’t decide whether to stay or go.

  I pick up the case, grab her hand, and shove it into her palm, closing her fingers around it. “And I don’t want this. I don’t want the ring unless I have you. You, wearing it. That’s the only thing that makes sense. Goddamn it.” I wipe at my face because now my vision’s bending and I’m fucking drunk off my ass, blubbering to her. “But that can’t happen, so just get the fuck out.”

  “But . . . the money? You’re not angry about me because of the money?”

  I scrub my hands over my face. “I couldn’t give two shits about the money. I’m gonna lose all my winnings. I wasn’t supposed to disclose what fucking assholes they were and all the inner workings of the process, so now I’m in violation of the contract, and there’s some lawsuit coming up and I got to get a lawyer. My bar’s in foreclosure, and everything is shit. So really, you made a damn smart decision running away from me.”

  “Oh. I’m sorry,” she says again, in that sweet little voice that tears me apart. There’s pity in her eyes, and I don’t fucking want it.

  “Like I said. I’m not. I’m only sorry we couldn’t last like I wanted. Have fun in Massachusetts.”

  I go back to the staircase, and she calls, even more panicked than before, “Luke! Please . . .”

  I hang my head and brace my hands against the wall to stop the room from spinning. “Please what? What the fuck do you want me to do?”

  I don’t know how long it takes her to bridge the distance, but suddenly she’s beside me, pulling me into her arms, and I’m powerless to resist. She takes my face in her hands, and then she’s kissing my face, my cheeks, my forehead, gently. She’s kissing me like I’m this sad little child and she wants to take care of me.

  “Don’t do this to me,” I beg her, dragging in her scent, again and again. She smells like baby powder and toothpaste and that shampoo, and her lips are so fucking soft on my skin. “Don’t do this to me and make me think you’re mine and then leave again. I can’t do that.”

  “I won’t,” she promises.

  “You won’t leave me?”

  “No. I love you, Luke.”

  I cup her chin, holding her still for me as I look into her eyes. “I love you too, sweetheart. But I thought you were smart. I ain’t got nothing to give you.”

  “That’s a double negative. So you’re right,” she whispers. “Sans toi, je ne suis rien. Without you, I am nothing. With you, I have everything I need. We’ll figure out the money, Luke. I promise.”

  I lift her in my arms, and she curls her limbs around me, clutching me like a monkey. We end up leaning our foreheads into each other. Her ass is in my hands, her breath coming in fast as I start nuzzling her.

  I want to sink into her and prove to her that she’s mine. I want to sink into her and prove to myself that she’s mine. I’m shaking with desire and love and frustration as Penny strokes her fingers down my jaw. I groan and peck her lips once. Twice. Softly at first. Then harder. My beard bristling her skin as I start nibbling at her lips. All my emotions coming to the forefront.

  “I’m sorry, Luke,” she whispers as I nudge her coat off her shoulders.

  I flip us around so her back is pressed up against the wall and my eyes are gorging on her. I visually rake her from head to toe as I drag my hands down her sides. Touching her gorgeous breasts. Squeezing and turning her on.

  She wants it. That little hitch of her breath tells me so. She leans up and teases my lips with hers. We start kissing. For real. Holding nothing back. Almost an angry kiss. Almost. But not quite. Fuck, I love her too much. She squirms her sex against my hard cock as her little tongue duels with mine.

  I’m nearly cross-eyed as we make out against the wall, kissing her harder and fiercer until I start softening it up. Making love to her mouth. She fucking heals me with her touch, sucking everything wrong out of my bloodstream and replacing it with her own little brand of magic.

  I groan, shaking as I try to hold back from taking her right here and now. I could carry her to my bar and fuck her on the counter. Eat her up until morning. Get even drunker with her juices until I pass out.

  But she’s my wife. At least in my mind she is. She deserves better. She’ll always deserve better than me.

  Instead, I find myself carrying
her upstairs to my room. I see the curiosity on her face as I shove open the door to my stink hole and walk us inside. I kick the door shut behind us and head straight to my rumpled bed with the rumpled sheets and drop her right in the center.

  Penny pushes her hair back and bites down on this little temptress smile as she looks around. I’m surprised when she turns to inhale me on the sheets, sighing happily as she meets my gaze. She sits up and raises her arms in a slow, sultry move for me to undress her.

  Fuck me. This girl will be the death of me.

  I reach out and tug her top over her arms, pulling it over her head.

  She’s breathless as I grab a fistful of my shirt and pull it over my head.

  We don’t break eye contact as I peel off the rest of her clothes, then my own as I strip to my skin.

  We don’t stop looking at each other as I lean over her, careful not to crush her, and yank her legs up around my waist. I seize her wrists and guide her hands above her head, lace my fingers through hers, and plunge inside.

  I groan at the feel of her warm, wet walls clutching me.

  She starts crying.

  “Why are you crying?” I stop.

  “Because I love you. And I missed you.”

  “I love you too. I missed you too.” She’s crying, and I can’t have it. “We won’t be apart again. Ever, Penny. You’re mine now. Where did you leave the ring?”

  “Huh?” She seems dazed. Shakes her head, looks around. “In my . . . my bag.”

  I spot it discarded with her clothes and reach for it, flipping the lid open and taking out the ring again. I take her hand in mine.

  A new tear leaks out of one eye. I peer into her eyes. “Third time’s the charm. Yeah?”

  She nods, sniffling, and dries up her tears as we both watch me slip the ring onto her finger. “Yeah, third time’s the charm,” she agrees on a croak. “And I do, Luke Cross. Forever. Tomorrow I want to get a real ring for you.”

  “I got it. You might not see it because it’s invisible. But I got a ring right around my heart.” I kiss the ring on her finger, then skim a kiss across each of her fingertips.