The Testament of Jessie Lamb

by Jane Rogers

  ‘You really think that?’ The steps weren’t going anywhere. I dropped them back in the box.

  ‘If someone says, Oh my life isn’t very important, I’ll sacrifice it so you can have a child, what’s a man going to say? No thanks? Each girl who agrees to be a Sleeping Beauty is making it that much worse for the rest of us.’

  ‘What will FLAME do when they’ve stopped them, all the Sleeping Beauty volunteers?’

  ‘We won’t do anything. We’ll sit back and tell the men it’s their turn to do something. Let them volunteer for something dangerous.’ I thought of the drugs trial volunteers, they were nearly all men. But it was becoming a pointless conversation.

  ‘Will you still come to college when you live in Glossop?’

  ‘My mum wants me to. She knows someone who can give me a lift. But I’ll see.’ Everything Sal said felt like needles. I asked her about her little cousin but he still hadn’t been traced. I said I had to go. ‘You should come to Glossop. Come to FLAME. You could help with getting the message across to girls at college, the crazies who might try and volunteer.’

  I told her I’d think about it. As we went downstairs she said, ‘It’s not the same here anymore.’ The sitting room door was wide open and we both glanced in. It was clean and tidy, but I could remember how it had been that night, the take-away trays and cans and bottles, the smell. ‘I have nightmares,’ she said. ‘Maybe they’ll stop in a different house.’

  ‘Oh Sal – ’ At the bottom of the stairs we hugged each other and my eyes filled with tears. I wanted to say something to make her feel better and the one thing I could think of was the thing she despised. I was useless. All there was in my brain was ‘please let it end, please let it end soon.’ Like a calf crammed into a cattletruck, on its way to the abattoir.

  I crept down to check my e mail at 6 before Mum got up. Dad hadn’t replied but I knew he would. I was giving him till tea time. I had breakfast with Mum and she told me Mand was loads better, that the carer Paul seemed to have worked a miracle. After she’d left for work I got ready for college. I was feeling as if I would burst if I didn’t tell someone, but I wasn’t going to tell Mum without Dad. Sal was impossible; Baz was wrapped up in his parents’ troubles and Nat’s stupid plans; and Dad – why didn’t he reply? What if he never came back? What if we actually did have to call the police this evening? I reminded myself what I was going to do. Panic and relief, panic and relief, the two switched through me like an electric current being turned on and off.

  Outside there was freezing fog, tasting of stale ice cubes in my mouth. Everything was dulled and quiet. I didn’t feel like going to college. There had to be someone I could talk to, even if I didn’t tell them my secret, there had to be someone I could just burble at.

  I thought of Mandy. At least she was always happy to see me. And she knew about Mum’s affair; I could ask her advice about Dad. I walked past the bus stop and on down to the main road, where one after another blue flashing ambulances loomed out of the fog, their sirens suddenly loud then gone. What if Dad was in one of them? I caught the bus to Mandy’s.

  When I got close enough to see, her curtains were still drawn although it was after 9.00. If she was so much better, surely she wouldn’t be lounging about in bed? For a moment I thought I shouldn’t have come. But I told myself not to be silly, and marched up and rang her bell. She must have been waiting in the hall with her hand on the doorknob, because she opened the door in an instant. Her hair was glossy black and she was wearing the heavy eye make-up I used to love on her when I was little – smoky kohl circles around her eyes and loads of mascara. She seemed pretty surprised to see me, though, and peered into the thick whiteness behind me. ‘I’ve come on my own,’ I told her, ‘Mum’s at work.’

  She stood on the doorstep holding the door open for me so I went up the stairs. I could smell incense sticks burning. The place was lovely and tidy. There were candles lit in the sitting room, and soft tinkly sitar music playing. The turquoise walls seemed to glow. I wondered if she’d been meditating. Yoga was one of her few fads Mum never complained about. She followed me up into the flat.

  ‘Are you going out?’ I asked. ‘You look fantastic!’

  ‘What’s the time?’

  ‘Half nine.’

  ‘Well, I’ve got a little while. D’you want a drink?’

  We went into the kitchen and she made tea. ‘So what brings you here at this time of a Thursday morning? Shouldn’t you be at college?’

  ‘Hasn’t Mum told you?’

  ‘Told me what?’

  ‘About Dad.’

  She shook her head. Mum had been to see her the previous evening! I explained about the row and Dad storming out.

  ‘Oh Jess, I’m sorry – ’ She came and put her arms around me and I couldn’t help it suddenly I burst into tears. She was so kind, that was what made me cry. ‘It’ll be alright,’ she said. ‘It’ll all come out in the wash.’

  I told her Dad hadn’t come back and neither of us had heard from him.

  ‘He’ll be back. Give him time to lick his wounds. He’s responsible, Jess, he’s not going anywhere.’

  ‘But I don’t know what’s going to happen!’

  She laughed at me, but kindly. ‘Look, Cath and Joe have been here before. I remember when she found out he’d been seeing someone – No Jess, don’t look like that – a long time ago. They have these great traumas then they kiss and make up. Everything’ll be back to normal within a month.’

  ‘Why do they stay married if they’re going to be like this?’

  ‘They’ve been together for seventeen years, d’you think they’re going to leave each other now?’

  ‘I wish they would split up. It would be more honest.’

  ‘No you don’t. If they split up you’d have to start living in two places, it would be terribly inconvenient. You need to get them into proportion. They’re only your parents!’

  It was hard not to take them seriously with my silent phone burning a hole in my pocket. ‘It feels like Dad’s mad at me. I think he thinks I knew – ’ I looked at her but she didn’t say anything. ‘You knew, didn’t you?’

  ‘Jess, this is about Cath and Joe. It’s no one else’s responsibility, and no one else needs to feel guilty.’

  I blew my nose and unpeeled the apricot chewy bar she’d given me. She always remembered my favourite. Time to stop being childish; she was right. They were only my parents, and just because they’d made a hash of everything it didn’t mean I had to be part of the mix.

  ‘You think I should just ignore them?’

  ‘Of course. Think of them as squabbling kids – they’ll get over it. And haven’t you got something much more important to think about?’

  I bit my tongue in mid-chew. How did she know? I tasted blood. When I could, I nodded.

  ‘Well there you are. Focus on you. When you’re a teenager your parents should be the chorus – around, in support, but not centre stage – not hogging the limelight. That’s for you!’

  She knew. It must be because of wanting so much to have a baby herself. We sat and grinned at each other, then Mand glanced at her watch. ‘Jess, you’ll have to go, I’ve got to get ready.’

  ‘Who’s the big date?’ I asked.

  ‘Oh it’s not a person – what gave you that idea? It’s a meeting, I have to go to a meeting.’ She led the way out of the kitchen. It was always horrid leaving the bright colours of her flat and going down into the dingy-ness of the hall. The downstairs tenants had brown doors, painted in streaky paint to look like wood.

  ‘What’s it about?’

  ‘Look Jess I’ll tell you later, OK?’ She was already opening the door. ‘You’ll be the first to know. But don’t tell Cath you’ve seen me today, please.’

  ‘I won’t. And don’t you tell her – you know.’

  Mand nodded. She pecked me on both cheeks and quickly closed the door after me as if she was afraid something in the street might try to dash in.

  As
I walked away an approaching shape became a man who said ‘hello’ and I realised it was Paul, the nurse Mum had organised to look after Mandy. His hair was wet and combed back, he must’ve just washed it, he looked a bit like a friendly seal. She’s going to be cross, I thought. Another interruption! I turned round to see if she would answer the door. He went towards the entrance then the building seemed to swallow him; in the fog, everything merged. I heard Mandy’s door shut with a muffled bang. Maybe he was taking her to the meeting.

  As I walked along I couldn’t stop smiling to myself. I felt as if she’d given me her blessing. She understood. She must know I was doing it for her as well. She recognised that that was more important than any of Mum and Dad’s nonsense. She was happy for me! I could see the white disc of the sun now, peering through the foggy air. Mand was the first person and the best to know my secret.

  Chapter 17

  On the slowly crawling bus I checked my mobile. Not just one text but two! But the first was o2 telling me about my rewards and the second was Baz. I reminded myself that Dad would certainly reply by e mail. Baz wanted to know where I was, and when I told him, asked me to get off near his road and he’d meet me. So I did, and soon enough his blurry outline became visible, and he materialised in front of me.

  ‘They’re OK! No one’s hurt!’

  ‘What are you on about?’

  ‘Nat and the others. They were all out.’

  Apparently it had been on the news; two houses in Chester had exploded, and been reduced to rubble. They were where Nat and his ALF mates were staying. We headed for Baz’s as he explained it all to me. They’d been working with explosives.

  ‘Why?’ I asked, and Baz looked at me pityingly.

  ‘Why d’you think?’

  ‘Bombs?’

  ‘How else are they going to get anyone to pay attention?’

  I knew they were serious, but – bombs! Baz told me something was unstable because it went off unexpectedly and it was pure luck no one was in. He had been petrified when he heard the news.

  ‘I wouldn’t even have known it was their house,’ I pointed out. ‘Do the police know it was them?’

  ‘The house was rented under false names. So provided everything was destroyed in the blast – ’ He let us into his house, it smelled of bleach.

  ‘Is your dad still at hospital?’

  ‘That’s the good news. They’ve moved him to some sort of residential place for nutters, and they’re going to keep him there long-term.’

  ‘Is your mum OK with that?’

  ‘Ish. She knows it’d be awful if he came home. She’s doing a lot of cleaning. But she’s going back to work next week, thank god.’

  We went downstairs to Baz’s room and he sat at the piano and played a happy triumphant little series of trills. I took off my coat and sat on the bed. ‘So what will you do now?’ I asked.

  ‘What I planned. Go down and help Nat. He rang to say they were OK, but they need help more than ever now. They’ve got to move fast in case the police trace them. They’re posting their film up on the net.’

  ‘Film of the animals?’

  ‘Yup. He reckons there’ll be a big fuss. They’re planning simultaneous demonstrations, and they need help with the internet stuff. I said I’d go tomorrow.’

  ‘Wow. Tomorrow.’

  ‘Yup.’

  ‘So – goodbye.’

  ‘Only for a bit. Jessie?’ He was staring intently at the piano keys.

  I waited, then I said, ‘What?’

  The silence was long. My heart turned into a feather and floated up though my hollow chest, almost to my throat. ‘D’you think …?’ His eye-beams were practically boring a hole in the keys.

  ‘Yes?’

  ‘D’you think – you know?’

  I couldn’t help it, I started to laugh, and after a moment he laughed too. ‘I thought you didn’t like me,’ I said.

  ‘You liked everybody but me.’

  ‘What d’you mean?’

  ‘Snogging Danny. Then you kept walking home with Nat, everyone could see how much you fancied him. Then Iain – ’

  ‘I don’t like Iain. Not like that. He did kiss me once but it was horrible, I didn’t want him to.’

  Baz looked at me like he was gathering a reply, but I couldn’t wait.

  ‘I never liked Danny either, I just snogged him when I was drunk that night. I wanted – ’

  ‘Yes?’

  ‘I came down to your room. But you just played the piano and ignored me.’

  ‘What did you expect me to do? I’d just seen you with Danny.’

  ‘I liked Nat but not – nothing ever happened with Nat.’

  ‘All the girls like Nat.’

  ‘You act as if I’m the one who’s been difficult, but what about you?’

  ‘Me? What about me?’

  ‘You invited Rosa Davis to that party.’

  ‘Why not?’

  ‘And she was helping you clear up, in the morning.’

  ‘So?’

  ‘Where did she go to, after that?’

  ‘How should I know? She has her own reasons for what she does.’

  I knew he didn’t really like her. She went with loads of lads. There was a rumour she was on drugs. ‘Well …’ I could feel a red hot blush spreading over my face like a spilt pot of paint. ‘Do you …?’

  ‘Yes,’ he said. We sat there looking at each other in the most paralysing awkwardness.

  ‘OK,’ I said eventually. ‘Glad we’ve got that sorted.’ It was pure nervousness, I began to laugh again, and we sat laughing at each other like a pair of loons. Then he got up from the piano and came over to me. He sat beside me on the bed, not very close, and picked up my left hand with his right. We both stared at our hands as the fingers slowly folded and intertwined, like creatures that didn’t belong to us. Then awkwardly, bumping noses, we kissed. Gradually there was a change of speed. We fell back on the bed and our hands started going everywhere. We were both so hot and firm and close and smooth under our clothes that I could hardly bear it, I wanted to do everything at once, my whole body felt alight and alive. Suddenly Baz froze.

  ‘What is it?’ I whispered.

  ‘My mum’s just come in. I heard the door.’ We rolled apart and pulled our things straight.

  ‘Will she come down?’ I asked.

  ‘No, but – ’

  I knew what he meant. We made ourselves decent and slowly climbed the stairs. Baz went into the kitchen to find her. I waited in the living room, and after a minute he reappeared shaking his head. ‘She’s been to see Dad and she’s upset.’

  ‘Should I go?’

  He pulled a face but nodded. ‘I’ll call for you later on.’

  I let myself out. The fog had cleared, the sun was bright. I floated home as light and happy as a bird. And as soon as I got in I checked my e mail. There it was: a message from Dad. ‘Hi Jessie I’ll be back tomorrow to hear all the news. Lots of love, your runaway Dad. Xxx’ Yes! I did a couple of twirls then texted Mum to let her know. He was OK, he was coming back, he wasn’t mad at me. Everything was working out perfectly.

  Baz called for me after tea and we walked down to the old rec. It was clear and our breath puffed out of our mouths like smoke in the dark air. We sat side by side on the swings. Even with gloves on it was too cold to hold onto the chains, and I swung gently with my hands in my pockets. We talked about our parents and I told him what had happened with Dad. We tried to imagine what our lives could have been like if there was no MDS. Baz would have gone to Austria on his piano scholarship, he would have become a concert pianist, travelling round the world to all the great concert halls. Maybe he still will. But I – I didn’t know what I would have done, I couldn’t imagine it at all. And that brought back to me what I was going to do. My warm dark secret, my destiny. I thought about telling him, though I knew I shouldn’t. But there would be nothing wrong in talking about it in theory. I asked if he knew about the plan to vaccinate stored embryos, but
he didn’t, so I started to explain it to him.

  ‘Sounds like a science fiction nightmare,’ he said.

  ‘It’s not. Well, it is for one generation, but once the first set of children are born, women can go back to having babies naturally.’

  ‘Freezers full of embryos, like frozen peas? Then they’re going to vaccinate them – how do they know what effect that will have, on tiny unborn children? Then they’re going to put them inside women who’ll get diseased and die, and grow them there like – like parasites. Then they’ll cut them out? Can you imagine how many things could go wrong! Why can’t they just stop mucking about with life?’

  ‘Baz, listen, real children will come out of it. They’ll be normal, like us – like we used to be. And they can forget about all this horrible stuff, they can just lead normal lives and fall in love and have babies together.’

  ‘The usual scientists’ lie. Just let us do whatever mad thing we think of next, because it’s progress. Is this better than in our grandparents’ day?’

  ‘This is science which can rescue us from extinction.’

  ‘Right. I can guess who told you that.’

  ‘People will change the way they live if they can see there’s hope. It’s like everyone’s being given a second chance.’

  He laughed and jumped off his swing. ‘You are such an optimist! Come on. She’ll have gone out to the hospital again by now.’ He stood in front of me and caught my swing as I came towards him. We kissed, and his lips and mouth were hot as cocoa. It didn’t surprise me then that he was against the idea; after all, I had been against it myself, to begin with. I knew I’d be able to talk him round.

  We hurried to his house and went straight down to his room. As soon as we were there we fell onto the bed. There were so many clothes to pull off! And the more we took off the hotter we got. ‘Have you done it before?’ he whispered, and I said, ‘No, have you?’

  ‘Sort of.’

  For a moment I wanted to ask him who, then it passed and we were just two hot slippery sweaty creatures intertwining until it was almost unbearably sweet and then he whispered ‘Can I come in?’ He pushed against me and suddenly I was afraid. It was pushing against me, hurting, and I wondered if he was doing the right thing. I froze, and asked him to stop. He pressed his face into my shoulder and we lay still as fallen logs. I could feel his heart pounding against my chest. ‘Baz?’ I said. ‘Baz?’