by Lynda Renham
‘I’m thinking about our meeting with Rachel and Nick later.’
‘It’ll be fine,’ he says, draping his arm around my shoulder. ‘Let’s get the print.’
‘Okay.’
I wander around the gift shop, idly leafing through books while Tom examines the print. I see my reflection in the window and wonder how Rachel will view me. It will be a shock to see me I imagine. I’m wearing a black dress from All Saints and a white cashmere cardigan but I still didn’t look like the old me. I’m much thinner in the face than when she last saw me. I plump up my hair with my hands. God, I so wish we didn’t have to go to the wine bar.
‘Ready?’ says Tom.
The wine bar is heaving, just as I expected it would be. I hadn’t expected there to be so many people. It’s been almost three years since I’ve been somewhere like this. I spot Rachel. She can’t hide the shock from her face and it takes her a while to recover, but she’s managed to do so by the time we reach them.
‘Hey,’ says Nick, hugging me.
‘God, it’s amazing to see you,’ Rachel says.
I hug her and smell her Rive Gauche perfume. It’s comforting and evokes wonderful memories.
‘I’ll bring over a bottle,’ says Nick. ‘I’ve kept the table in the corner for us.’
‘Let’s go to the ladies,’ says Rachel, pulling me through the throng and into a messy loo.
‘God, you look so different. What have you done to your hair?’
I look at myself in the mirror and pull a brush from my bag.
‘I needed a change.’
‘I’ve don’t ever remember seeing you with your glasses. You look kind of clever,’ she laughs. ‘Oh God, Sharn, I’ve missed you. I’ve missed the fun we had.’
‘I’ve not felt much like fun,’ I say.
She bows her head and fumbles in her handbag.
‘I’ve got the most divine red lipstick; Chanel. I saw the photos you did in Vogue for the ad last year.’
She hands the lipstick to me and I apply it carefully.
‘That’s better. You look more like the old you,’ she smiles.
‘I don’t feel like the old me,’ I say, studying my face.
‘Let’s get a drink. I reckon we both need one. It’s been a bit emotional seeing you after all this time.’
We make our way back to the table where Tom is showing Nick his print.
‘I said Nick and Rachel should come to the house, see what we’ve done.’
‘We’ve not done much,’ I say.
‘Do you still have the cottage?’ Rachel asks softly.
I nod.
‘We didn’t want to give it up.’
The effects of the wine are beginning to work and I feel myself relax.
‘I miss that place,’ she says wistfully.
I’d worried needlessly about Rachel. I should have known it would be okay.
‘Come downstairs and see my special wines,’ Nick says to Tom, leaving Rachel and I alone.
‘I should have made contact,’ I say, topping up my glass.
‘It’s okay. I thought you needed some time. I just hadn’t figured it would be so long.’
‘The wine bar is fabulous,’ I say looking around.
‘Yeah, well you know us. London and wine, we can’t be without either.’
‘Are you still painting?’ I ask.
Her eyes sparkle.
‘I’ve sold a couple,’ she smiles.
‘That’s wonderful.’
We look at each other.
‘I miss the cottage too,’ I say.
‘Why don’t you go back?’ she says as she lays her hand over mine.
I shake my head.
‘I can’t, not yet, and Tom’s doing really well and he wants to set up his own firm. Maybe then I’ll be ready.’
I find myself topping up my glass again.
‘You know, that time … I didn’t mean to … I just didn’t know what to think,’ says Rachel.
‘It’s okay.’
‘You were saying some crazy stuff and …’
‘It’s okay,’ I say again.
She nods, relief relaxing her face. I can see Tom and Nick weaving their way through the crowd back to us.
‘We’re going on to that new Indian place up the road. Nick says it’s outstanding,’ Tom says excitedly. I can’t say I don’t feel like Indian food, or any food, come to that, so I just nod.
‘Great,’ says Rachel, hooking her arm through mine. ‘It seems like forever since we all had dinner together.’
I reluctantly allow myself to be led outside.
Chapter Forty
I don’t believe Clare went to the school Christmas party without asking me to babysit. How dare she ask Kathryn when I was right next door? Just the thought of seeing her this morning makes me tremble with anger. I couldn’t believe she had asked Kathryn to look after Ben when I would have been here the whole evening. I could have sat with him in their house if that’s what the bitch preferred. What the hell is wrong with her? If Tom and I hadn’t popped out to the library we would never have known. She looked bloody ridiculous in that stupid red velvet dress. I could tell she was embarrassed to see me. I had to tell her she looked nice even though she looked bloody awful. I’m sure my annoyance showed. A whole evening with Ben and she’d taken it away from me.
I check the time. She’s late. This is bloody madness. I should just go over there and take him. That would be the right thing to do. I’m just about to get my coat from the hallway when she knocks at the door.
‘You’re late,’ I snap. I should have calmed down before she came. Damn it.
‘We overslept,’ she says. She lifts Ben from the stroller and I take him from her.
‘Sharni, about the anniversary dinner you’ve arranged,’ she begins.
‘Is the restaurant okay?’ I say, attempting my friendly voice, my ‘I like you’ voice.
‘It’s just I really wanted to spend that evening with Chris, just the two of us.’
‘Oh, of course. I should have realised. I’ll cancel it.’
She’s so nervous her lips are quivering.
‘It was nice of you to …’ she says but trails off.
‘Not a problem. Maybe we could all do something on the Saturday. I obviously misunderstood Chris. I thought it was all okay.’
‘Misunderstood?’ she asks, raising her eyebrows. I’ve got her again.
‘When I saw Chris at his office the other day we were joking about the seven year itch and all that, so maybe I just misunderstood what he said. I thought he was keen but I must have got that wrong.’
She tries not to show her distress but I’ve thrown her. Serves you right you evil little bitch. I don’t give her a chance to come back and quickly add, ‘He said he would tell you.’
‘He did tell me,’ she says stiffly.
I shrug. Not that I ever want to go out with her. It’ll never happen but winding her up is good.
‘I’ll check with Chris,’ she says.
‘Well, not to worry. Did you have a nice time on Saturday?’ I ask, trying to hide the bitterness in my voice. Ben clutches her necklace and I pull him back sharply so that the chain breaks.
‘Oh no,’ I say. ‘Leave it with us and we’ll get it repaired.’
‘It’s okay,’ she says.
‘It’s the least I can do,’ I say, taking it out of her hand. ‘I know a jeweller who can do it. We’ll see you later then,’ I say dismissively.
She doesn’t seem to hear what I’m saying. She’s probably wondering when the hell I was in her husband’s office and what the hell I was doing there. I close the door before she has reached her car. I look at the necklace and feel a cold chill run down my spine. Ben reaches out for it.
‘Not this one darling. This one is no good.’
I put the comfort blanket away and then pull out his box of toys. He whoops with delight at the sight of them.
‘Why don’t you make some bunny rabbits while I check my
emails and then we can go out?’
I sit him at the table with his crayons and paper. I quickly scroll through my messages, checking there is nothing urgent and then send an attachment with the L’Oréal prints for Michael, the fashion editor, to check over. An email from ‘Helen’ catches my eye as I scan my inbox. I click into it. It is from Clare’s friend.
Hi Sharni, I’ve got a terrible nerve I know. But the photographer we hired for the school Christmas photos has let us down at the last minute. Would you be able to help us out? Or do you know anyone who could? We’d be so grateful. You can get me on my mobile. Love Helen.
Her mobile number is at the bottom of the email. I grab my phone and call her. She answers right away.
‘Hi, Helen, it’s Sharni. I just got your email.’
‘Oh, thanks for phoning. I hope you don’t think I’ve got a cheek?’
‘I’d love to help. I can take the photos for you.’
‘Oh wow, I didn’t really expect you to do it. I thought you might be able to recommend someone.’
‘I’d love to do it. I can do it at cost price too. I know someone that can print the photos with frames at a discount. I would love to support the school in any way that I can.’
‘Wow, that’s brilliant. Thanks so much.’
‘No worries. When can I come?’
‘We had everything arranged for tomorrow. Is that okay? I realise it’s very short notice.’
‘Not a problem, I’ll be there,’ I say, and hang up.
‘We’re going to have a really lovely day today,’ I say, lifting Ben into my arms and kissing him.
Chapter Forty-One
I feel like I’m walking on air as we leave Dr Grant’s office. I’ve done it. There’s no going back now.
‘You were such a good boy,’ I tell Ben. ‘A really good boy.’
I push the stroller into John Lewis and take the lift to the toy department. I nearly cancelled the appointment. What if I’d made a mistake? How would I explain it to Tom? No, I can’t tell Tom, not yet. My stomach churns when I think that I could be wrong.
‘Let’s go,’ I say to Ben, feeling like I’ve been reborn. The shadow that had weighed over me for so long has lifted. Everything around me seems clearer and brighter. I’ve done the right thing. It will be proved that I’ve done the right thing. Ben points to Santa’s grotto and I smile. We sit and wait by the Christmas tree with its glittering baubles and prettily wrapped packages. Ben’s eyes are fixed on Santa’s grotto, his little face alert and curious. We wait for twenty minutes but when the time comes, the look of wonderment on Ben’s face makes it all worthwhile.
‘And what’s your name?’ Santa asks.
‘Nathan,’ I reply.
‘Mama,’ he says, grasping my hand uncertainly.
‘Say hello to Santa darling. You’ll get a present.’
I pull my Nikon from my bag and take a photo. I need to make lots of memories.
*
After collecting the necklace from the jeweller I take Ben to Winter Wonderland. The smell of roasting chestnuts greets us and I decide to look around the Christmas market when we have finished. I pull my phone from my bag and switch it off.
‘Just you and me,’ I tell Ben. It’s getting colder and I put his mittens on. I know he’ll pull them off but it’s a fun battle. He giggles at the sight of another Santa and points until I agree to take him again. We play on the swings and then watch The Gruffalo on a large screen. He clutches his rabbit close to him the whole time. We mingle with other parents and their children, all celebrating Christmas like we are.
Ben naps in the stroller as I wander around the market and by the time we’ve finished it’s almost five. I picture Clare’s panic-stricken face when she finds she can’t get hold of us. She’ll be home by now and frantically knocking on my door. Or has she gone into the house? Will she phone Chris in her panic? Has she accused him of having an affair with me yet? She must be wondering what I was doing at his office. It will be driving her insane. I hope she knows what it feels like to be isolated, to feel totally helpless and to have no one supporting you. I hope she’s experiencing that horrible feeling of being alone, right now.
‘Let’s get a drink,’ I say as I open the door to the café.
*
I take the stroller from the bus driver and thank him. Once I have settled Ben, I take my phone from my bag and turn it on. It bleeps immediately. There are five missed calls and three text messages from Clare.
Running late, school concert rehearsal going over time, I hope all is okay.
I tap in her number. She answers on the first ring.
‘Hi Clare, it’s me. I’ve had no signal. I had to pop into the office. They had a crisis, and I had to help out. We were in the basement. Ben’s great. He’s had loads of attention and loads of new toys. Ooh and I got your necklace repaired. I’m really sorry we’re late. I’ve given Ben his tea and …’
I can hear her breathing heavily at the other end of the phone.
‘When will you be back?’ she interrupts.
As if she has got any right to make demands. I almost tell her so but I bite my tongue.
‘In twenty minutes but traffic is really bad,’ I lie. I’m literally just around the corner.
‘Okay,’ she says meekly.
‘See you soon,’ I say cheerily.
I click off my phone and walk slowly home.
*
Clare opens the door. She looks terrible. Her hair is a mess and her face is blotchy. She’s clearly been crying. I try to feel sympathy for her.
‘Sorry we’re late,’ I say. ‘The traffic was crazy. He’s great though and here’s your necklace.’
She takes the necklace and mumbles a thank you.
‘Is Chris not home?’ I ask.
‘He’s going to be late.’
It must feel like everything is getting on top of her. What a shame.
‘You look knackered,’ I say.
‘It’s been a long day.’
‘I’ll leave you to it then. Bye bye Sweet Pea.’ I lean forward to kiss Ben but she pulls him away. He struggles to get to me but she holds him back. I hate her in that moment more than I’ve ever hated anyone.
‘Mama,’ he says, reaching out to me. She wants to kill me. I can see it in her eyes.
‘Bless him,’ I say before turning and walking down the driveway.
*
‘Aw, bless him,’ said Rachel. ‘He smiled when his daddy knocked down all the pins.’
I laughed.
‘Here’s to the top legal brain in the country,’ toasted Nick.
‘Oh sod off,’ laughed Tom.
‘It was a big one, well done on winning,’ said Rachel.
‘You’ll be off to London next and won’t want to know us,’ smiled Nick.
‘Not too soon I hope,’ I said as I clinked my glass of orange juice against Tom’s champagne flute. ‘Well done darling.’
‘If we’d have known you were going to have such good news we’d have chosen a more upmarket venue,’ said Rachel. ‘Not the bloody bowling alley.’
‘I love bowling,’ laughed Tom ‘We’ve got the champagne and the best company ever. That’s what counts. The thing is though, I’m at a disadvantage. My partner is injured.’
‘Objection your honour,’ I said, jabbing him in the ribs. ‘I’ve just had a baby. I’m not injured, I’m exhausted.’
‘Sustained,’ said Nick, slapping Tom on the back. Rachel leaned over her to peek at Nathan.
‘He’s so adorable. I just want to keep on holding him.’
‘He’s handsome just like Tom,’ laughed Nick.
I hand him over, feeling suddenly empty without Nathan in my arms.
‘He’s like Sharni. He’s got her fair hair and blue eyes,’ argued Rachel.
I sat contentedly and watched the others play, my camera recording Tom’s shouts of joy and Rachel’s perfect bowling. Nathan slept soundly throughout and I was so grateful for such a good baby. Tom l
ooked at us often, sending kisses or cheeky winks. My heart overflowed with love for him. It was the happiest time of my life.
Chapter Forty-Two
‘I can’t stand it,’ I say. ‘I’ll have to go round.’
‘It’s not our place, Sharn.’
‘But he’s screaming. He’s really distressed. She needs to give him the bunny rabbit.’
‘I agree her screams aren’t helping the poor little mite. She’s got a bit of a temper by the sound of her,’ Tom says as Clare’s shouts penetrate the walls.
‘I’m going round Tom,’ I say.
He puts out a hand to restrain me but I ignore it.
‘Sharni, it really isn’t your place …’
I go downstairs and open the front door and come face to face with Chris.
‘Sharni, will you just wait a minute?’ Tom calls, following me down the stairs. He stops at the sight of Chris.
‘Christ mate, what’s up with Ben?’ he asks.
Chris looks haggard and embarrassed and turns to me.
‘He doesn’t have his comfort blanket. Do you know where it is?’
I deliberately hesitate.
‘Sharn?’ asks Tom.
‘I gave it to Clare when I brought everything around,’ I lie. ‘She seems to keep forgetting and …’
‘I don’t know why she keeps forgetting things,’ Chris sighs.
‘It could be the diazepam,’ I say.
Chris’s head snaps up.
‘How do you know about those?’ he asks.
I look at Tom.
‘Sharni saw her diazepam diary in the kitchen when we were round at yours,’ Tom explains.
Chris shakes his head miserably.
‘I don’t know what to do. She’s getting anxious at the smallest thing. I’m sure Ben’s picking up on it.’
‘It’s not good for him,’ I agree.
‘If we can help,’ begins Tom.
‘Do you want me to come back with you? I can help look for the comfort blanket,’ I say.
‘If you’re sure you don’t mind,’ Chris says uncertainly.
I somehow think the sight of me will rile her even further but I don’t say that.
‘I’m happy to help,’ I smile.
Ben is still screaming and I can hardly bear it. Clare looks at me wildly and then to Chris, her eyes questioning.