by Lynda Renham
‘Sharni doesn’t have it,’ says Chris simply.
‘I gave it to you,’ I say, ‘when you picked Ben up. I gave you everything.’
She’s about to disagree with me and then she looks at Chris and seems to stop herself.
‘Try his rabbit,’ I say. ‘He loves it. He’s been cuddling it all afternoon.’
‘That won’t work,’ she snaps.
Chris gives me an apologetic look. I ignore Clare and go to Ben. He looks up at me, and hiccups. His crumpled face breaks into a smile.
‘Here you are Sweet Pea,’ I say gently, handing him the bunny rabbit. ‘Shall we sing to it?’
I gently wipe away his tears and take his little hand in mine. He calms down immediately and cuddles his rabbit.
‘I think you should move in,’ jokes Chris.
‘And I’ll move out,’ Clare says angrily.
Making her out to be a terrible mother has been easier than I imagined it would be. I stroke Ben’s head and whisper, ‘Not much longer, darling, not much longer.’
I want to make it as easy as possible for him. He’s all that counts.
‘I didn’t mean …’ I say, turning to Chris, but before I can finish Clare has grabbed Ben and marched upstairs with him.
‘I’m so sorry,’ says Chris, avoiding my eyes.
‘Well, at least he is calm now,’ I say, turning to the door.
I fight the urge to march upstairs after her. It would take just a few seconds to grab Ben from her arms and hurry to my car. But it’s not time yet. I need to be patient. I don’t want the police on my doorstep, not yet.
*
Tom looks at the bedside clock. We’re silent as we listen to the muffled sound of Clare’s voice through the bedroom wall. Tom turns the light on and says, ‘What is she on about Sharni?’
I feel myself blush. I sigh. Clare has been accusing Chris of having an affair with me for the last ten minutes.
‘I went to Chris’s office to ask him if he wanted me to take some portrait photos of him with Ben. I was going to give them to Clare at their anniversary dinner. You remember I told you about that?’
He looks thoughtful.
‘I vaguely remember. That was not very sensible was it?’
‘What do you mean?’
I want to shake him. Is he really that blind?
‘She’s obviously got issues,’ he says, yawning. ‘And it’s no fun hearing her scream all kinds of abuse about you.’
‘She’s clearly got the wrong end of the stick,’ I say. ‘It was supposed to be a nice gesture.’
‘The woman is unhinged,’ he says, looking at the time. ‘You should probably steer clear of her. I think you should tell her you can’t have Ben any more.’
I clasp the bedcovers tightly.
‘That would be really unfair on him don’t you think. It’s not his fault his mother is neurotic. Anyway, we don’t want to make things worse. They are our neighbours after all.’
He fumbles in the drawer for earplugs.
‘This is getting ridiculous, that’s all I know. I can’t put up with this too often and I don’t want to listen to her ranting about you in that slanderous way. It’s unacceptable. She needs to get off those bloody pills if you ask me. A good glass of wine wouldn’t do her any harm and would be far better for her than Valium.’
I snuggle close to him.
‘I’m sure everything will be okay,’ I say.
He grunts and clicks off the light.
‘Well, I don’t want her here for bloody Christmas, that much I do know.’
Chapter Forty-Three
I’m worried that Clare is looking at nurseries. I’ve pushed her too hard. I may have to put my plan into action sooner than I’d wanted. But I’m not ready yet. There are still things I need to do.
‘I think it would be better for you to pull back from them,’ Tom says, putting on his jacket. ‘You’re not that strong yourself. If she finds a nursery, all well and good, if you ask me.’
I’m stronger than you think but I don’t tell him that.
‘You probably shouldn’t have gone round there,’ I say crossly. ‘You’ve just made things worse. It takes her ages to get over things it seems.’
‘I couldn’t let it go, Sharn. She was way out of order.’
I sigh.
‘I’ve got the school photo shoot today,’ I say.
‘Great, enjoy it. Drive carefully; it’s blowing a gale out there today.’
His words echo through my head. The front door slams and I sit on the stairs as the memories assail me.
‘What are you doing Sharn?’ Tom demanded as he hurried into the bedroom.
‘I wanted to move the crib nearer the window,’ I smiled.
‘You’ve just had a baby.’
‘It’s not that heavy.’
I exhaled and wiped my forehead. The humid weather seemed never ending. I placed my hand on my lower back and looked admiringly around the room.
‘It’s looking nice isn’t it?’ I said taking Tom’s hand.
‘He won’t be using this room for another two years,’ grimaced Tom. ‘I really don’t know why I had to give up my office. I’ve got a feeling I’m going to be in competition with this little guy for some time.’
‘You’ll always be my main man,’ I said, happily wrapping my arms around him. The sun shone in through the window and cast a halo over us.
‘Have a good time, drive carefully,’ Tom said, kissing me passionately on the lips. ‘Take good care of my boy.’
‘I always drive carefully,’ I smiled, slipping in my contact lens.
‘Give your parents my love.’
I followed Tom out into the sunshine and placed Nathan carefully into the baby carrier in the front seat.
‘I wish you could come with us,’ I said, kissing Tom.
‘Some of us have to work.’
I kissed him again and he stroked my bottom.
‘How are things?’ he asked nodding. ‘Are you up to having me tonight?’
‘I might be,’ I smiled. ‘Let’s see shall we?’
I pulled the blanket from my holdall. I’d crocheted it myself, especially for Nathan. I laid it over him and kissed him on the cheek.
It was hot in the car and the air conditioning was not working properly. There had been talk of storms for days but nothing had materialised. I felt myself perspiring and was grateful I’d brought along a change of clothes. Nathan slept the whole journey. By the time I arrived my dress was clinging to me. Mum hurried out of the farmhouse and lifted Nathan from the car.
‘It’s so hot,’ I said.
‘I’ve made lemonade and your aunt Wendy is here. She can’t wait to see Nathan.’
It was another perfect day. I lazed in the garden while my parents doted on Nathan. The home-made lemonade was refreshing and Mum’s fruit cake, as always, was delicious.
‘He’s a real credit to you,’ said Aunt Wendy. ‘You need to make the most of him. I only had one too. Just make sure you don’t spoil him.’
‘Try telling Tom that,’ I laughed, taking Nathan from her and putting him on my breast. The storm began brewing early in the afternoon but it was only light showers and everyone complained how it hadn’t eased the mugginess. I phoned Tom and said I had decided to stay for supper. I was enjoying the attention everyone was giving Nathan. When the time came to leave I was disappointed to see that the earlier light rain had now turned into a torrent. A strong wind had come up and Mum looked out of the window, concern etched on her face.
‘Maybe you should stay the night,’ she said worriedly.
‘I haven’t got far to go,’ I said. ‘I’ll drive slowly.’
I’d only gone a mile when the wind picked up. The road was busy making it difficult to see through the spray that lashed at the windscreen. I turned on to a minor road only to find it flooded. The car shuddered beneath me as I made my way slowly through the water.
‘Shit,’ I muttered. The storm had blackened the sky and eve
rywhere was eerily dark. Rain beat at the windscreen and even with my full headlights on, all I could see was a curtain of mist ahead. My eyes flickered to the rear-view mirror and then to Nathan lying beside me.
‘Damn,’ I mumbled. I was cross with myself. Why hadn’t I left earlier? It was hard enough navigating the roads in the dark but the addition of the heavy rain made me anxious. My dress felt damp beneath my breasts. Nathan would need feeding soon and I was still a long way from home. Oncoming headlights blinded me and I shielded my eyes. Nathan had started crying, no doubt picking up on my anxiety. The dashboard clock said almost nine. I was so late.
My head had started to pound and no amount of neck flexing seemed to help. Nathan’s cries were getting louder and I could feel myself tense with each breath. The road cut through a wood and we were now in pitch blackness. I knew the turning should be coming up but everything looked different. Thunder cracked through the night, making me jump. My head was pounding as though someone were thumping at me with a hammer. I prayed for the turning and finally saw it ahead. I sighed with relief. Not much further and I’d be home. I glanced at Nathan and shushed him comfortingly. I had barely taken my eyes off the road. It was just a second, a moment in time that I forever wish I could go back to.
The road descended and turned sharply on to the old bridge. It narrowed at this point and I braked sharply as an oncoming car turned the corner, its headlamps flashing. For a brief moment I was blinded. I was going too fast. I screwed my eyes up against the blinding light, struggling to see. My foot reached for the brake and then I saw it. A deer had run out of the woods. In the sharp glare of my headlights was its terrified eyes reflected back at mine.
‘Oh God,’ I’d screamed, my hands instinctively tightened on the steering wheel and turned it frantically. I braced myself for the thud as the car hit the animal and reached my hand out to cover my baby. I rammed my foot down hard on the brake. There was nothing, except silence and then I saw the bridge gliding towards me as if in slow motion. The world seemed to spin around as tree branches crashed and scraped against the side of the car.
‘Oh God, help us,’ I screamed.
It felt like there was grit in my eyes and I struggled to see the baby beside me. It comforted me that I could feel his warm body under my hand and hear his angry cries. The nose of the Golf lurched on to the bridge with a thud. My hand slid from Nathan as I was thrown forward. The windscreen came up to meet me and everything went black.
Chapter Forty-Four
Clare never seemed happy when she finished work but I can’t understand why. The children are really nice and polite. They are perfect little models too. The teachers seem delighted with my Christmas backdrop.
‘Can I stand by the elves?’ asks a rosy-cheeked child.
‘Of course, would you like your friends to stand with you? It’s important that we get the tallest at the back isn’t it?’
‘Oh yes,’ she says.
‘Hands up if you’re the tallest?’ I ask the group of kids in front of me.
Helen smiles and pushes some of the children forward. She’s changing her opinion of me, I can tell.
‘How about if I take a teacher group photo?’ I call to Helen, who laughs excitedly.
‘Ooh, one of us. That makes a change.’
‘It’s not normally what we do,’ says the head, uncertainly. ‘But I agree it’s a good idea. We don’t have all the staff in today though.’
‘We could phone around,’ says Helen. ‘We’re only three down. Do you want to call Clare?’
I frown.
‘I’ll leave that to you,’ I reply with a smile.
The other teachers laughed amongst themselves.
‘I don’t imagine we’ll be able to do it until after the kids finish at three,’ says Geoff.
‘That’s fine,’ I say, ‘I’m enjoying it.’
‘I’ll take Sharni for lunch shall I?’ asks Helen.
What a turnaround. I never imagined Helen would be keen to take me out to lunch.
*
Helen turned out to be okay. Clare had obviously made her suspicious of me. She took me to a little place just around the corner from the school.
‘God, you’ve got some patience,’ she says, offering me a cigarette. I shake my head and she shrugs before lighting up.
‘I love kids,’ I say.
‘That’s more than I bloody do.’
‘But you’re a teacher.’
‘Doesn’t mean I have to like the little darlings. Here we are.’
The café is small but quaint. Helen knows her way around and leads me to a table in the corner.
‘So, what’s happened between you and Clare?’ she asks, her directness taking me by surprise. I wonder if Clare has shared her suspicions to Helen about Chris and I having an affair.
‘Has Clare said something?’ I ask.
‘I had a text this morning. She seemed upset. I said I’d give her a ring at lunchtime but I don’t want to be all excited about you taking a teacher photo and stuff if things are not good between the two of you.’
This is my opportunity to isolate Clare completely. I almost feel bad doing it, but not for long. I want her to know exactly what it feels like to be totally alone, to not have anyone believe you. To feel like no one is on your side.
‘I’m not really sure what I’ve done but she’s got it in her head that I’m having an affair with Chris. It’s my fault. I should have known she was insecure. I thought I’d give her a portrait photo of Chris and Ben for her anniversary. Tom told me where Chris’s office was, and I popped in when I was passing one day to see what Chris thought of the idea. He said he’d text me when he could come round and have the photos taken.’
‘Oops,’ says Helen as she looked at the menu.
‘I’m having a jacket potato, what about you?’
‘The same for me,’ I say, handing the menu to the waiter.
‘That seems a bit over the top,’ says Helen. ‘Mind you, she does get very anxious, especially over Ben.’
‘I think she was cross with me yesterday. I had to go in to work. I was a little late getting Ben back, the traffic was awful. I didn’t text because I thought we’d be back in time, and Ben was fine.’
‘She was pretty edgy. I tried to calm her,’ says Helen.
So Helen has been seeing what a paranoid, anxiety-ridden wreck she is too.
‘She takes a lot of medication doesn’t she?’ I say to add fuel to the fire. Helen’s head snaps up. She clearly doesn’t know about the diazepam.
‘She said it was aspirin.’
‘It’s Valium,’ I say. ‘I don’t think they’re good for her.’
‘Christ, she’s always popping the things,’ Helen says.
‘I shouldn’t really be saying this’, I say, lowering my voice and leaning towards her, ‘but last night Chris came round in a bit of state. Seemed Ben was screaming and Clare couldn’t find his comfort blanket. But I’d given it to Clare earlier. Clare was in a terrible state, shouting and screaming. I’m sure half the neighbourhood could hear her.’
‘Look,’ said Helen. ‘I’ve got to phone her. Let me see if I can talk her around. Maybe you two can talk after the photo session.’
‘I don’t think she’ll come.’
‘I think maybe those pills are affecting her. I’ll be honest with you, and I am a bit outspoken, I thought you were a bit odd at the beginning. You know that stuff with the vase and … anyway. I’m starting to think that maybe Clare’s not well and probably needs our help. I’ll call her now.’
I struggle to hide my smile.
*
As soon as I see Clare I know my time with Ben is over. She knows something. I’m not sure what she knows but she’s wary of me. She won’t be bringing Ben around, that’s for sure but it doesn’t matter now. Helen smiles at her but she doesn’t smile back. Anger is written across her face. She thinks she’s hiding it well. But she can’t hide it from me.
I raise my eyebrows at her and t
hen turn to the head.
‘Thanks so much for this,’ he is saying.
‘I’ve enjoyed it,’ I say and I have.
‘Here’s Clare,’ calls one of the supply teachers.
‘Oh she’s brought Ben,’ says someone. ‘Isn’t he gorgeous?’
They surround her and look admiringly at Ben. I stay in the background. They’ll be plenty of time for me and Ben soon. Clare glares at me but I pretend not to see.
‘Great you could come,’ says Helen. ‘We’re just about to start.’
‘Let’s get the show on the road,’ says Geoff, ‘before some of us lose our nerve.’
‘Sure,’ I say turning to the other teachers. ‘If you could all come up on the stage please, that would be great.’
Clare is uncomfortable. She constantly avoids my eyes. I wonder what nursery she will take him to.
‘These are going to be really fabulous,’ I say, pushing the shutter.
‘Maybe we should do twelve individual ones,’ laughs Helen. ‘Make a school calendar, what do you think Geoff? Obviously we’ll keep our clothes on.’
Everyone laughs and I deliberately look Clare in the eye but she quickly turns away. When we finish, Helen invites Clare to have a coffee with us. She shakes her head. It’s completely thrown her that I’m friends with Helen.
‘I have to get Ben back,’ she says.
‘Oh come on Clare, have a drink with me and Sharni.’
Geoff taps me on the arm and asks me to step on stage. He makes a little speech in front of the teachers, thanking me for stepping in at short notice and for supporting the school. The teachers clap enthusiastically. I watch Clare’s face con tort into an ugly grimace.
Helen smiles widely. She thinks everything will be sorted over coffee. I know it won’t be. I can read Clare’s face like a book. She feels alone, totally isolated. Her husband is wary of her and I’ve taken the one friend she could talk to. Even the school isn’t her sanctuary any more. If she tries to tell any of these people what a scheming woman I am she knows that none of them will believe her. Best of all is that Ben is more comfortable with me than he is with her.
*