Stages of Grace

by Carey Heywood

  Twisting my hair up into a knot, I watch Kate knit. "Kate, could you teach me how to make a prayer shawl?"

  "Of course. You could just make one like your scarf. The only difference is adding more stitches at the start."

  "But the way my scarf came out looks different than yours."

  "I'm purling every other row."

  "Is that different than knitting?"

  "Here, let me finish this row, and I'll show you."

  I move over to sit by Kate as she completes her row. Kate explains that with knitting I take the point of my needle and put it upwards into the first loop. To purl the stitch, Kate instead positions her needle to enter the stitch pointing downward. She even passes her knitting to me so I can try a couple stitches. It seems easy enough and makes the stitches on one side of the shawl look smaller and closer together, whereas how I knit before, the stitches look almost ribbed. Kate pulls her basket of supplies and lets me pick out some yarn. I choose a multi-colored skein shaded in various saturations of taupe.

  On my scarf, Kate had me cast on twenty-five loops. For the shawl, I need sixty. Kate tells me to knit the first five rows just as I had with my scarf, that it will create a nice border. I get right to work. It’s different having so many stitches on my needle. I still count each of those first five rows, not wanting to add or drop any and have Kate unravel it. When I finish my fifth row, Kate again works me through how to purl. It feels awkward. I'd become accustomed to holding my hand one way, but now I have to hold my right hand a breath higher and point down instead of up.

  I drop a couple of stitches and need Kate's help to fix it. We sit in comfortable silence as we knit. I’m concentrating so intently on the shawl that when Kate tells me she is going inside to bed it startles me. I decide to do the same once I finish the row I’m working on. Kate mumbles something about having created a monster and walks back inside. I smile to myself, and once my row is done, go inside, locking up behind me. I don't knit anymore that evening. Instead, I power up my laptop and check my email to see if I received a response from either of the offices I sent my resume to.

  I haven’t. Not wanting to shut my laptop so soon, I start surfing the Internet. I don't have a purpose in mind, randomly going over to Pinterest and pinning or liking things I think are cute or funny. Almost distractedly, I create a board for knitwear, thinking I'll ask Kate to teach me to make some of these things. I’m looking at pictures of knit hats when the photo of a boy in a kayak catches my eye. The water in the picture is smooth, like silk. Maybe he's on a lake. The angle of the photo is of his back. He wears a long-sleeved, green t-shirt under an orange life vest. He has longish hair that just peeks out from the bottom of the knit cap he wears.

  I pin the picture, not for the hat but because it reminds me of the day I went kayaking with Ryan. I can still picture the way his arms looked as he paddled in front of me. Curious, I open a new browser and Google Erickson Gulf Water Sports. When the page comes up, there’s a photo of Ryan and someone I assume is Jack on the home page. They both wear polo shirts and visors with the Erickson logo. I click on the picture to enlarge it. They’re both very tan, but working outside, that's to be expected. The person I think might be Jack is blonde and wears sunglasses in the picture. Ryan isn't wearing any and is squinting. I think he is adorable.

  Jack is handsome. I can imagine the attention he and Ryan would get if they went out together. Ryan looks to be a couple of inches taller than him, but Ryan is very tall. I shake my head. I've no idea if the person in the photo is Jack or not. I bookmark the page before shutting down my computer. Once in bed, I feel conflicted in my attraction to Ryan. First, part of me is still getting over Jon. Second, in three short days, he is going to be my boss. Third, while he had been very flirty with me the last time I had been here he currently seems less interested.

  The next morning, I am up and in the kitchen before Kate. I start the coffee and unload the dishwasher while I wait for it to brew. Kate comes out not long after. We eat bagels with cream cheese by the pool. Then she asks what my plans for the day are.

  "I'm going to go buy a few new swim suits today. Would you like to come?"

  "No, thank you, dear. But I did make a hair appointment if you could drop me off on your way."

  "Of course. What are you having done?"

  "Just a trim. My hairdresser is an old friend. We mainly gossip."

  "Maybe I could get her to trim my hair, get rid of my split ends."

  "I can call Michelle and see if she can fit you in today."

  "That would be great."

  Kate's hairdresser is able to squeeze me in before Kate. After my cut, I go to the mall and plan to pick Kate up on my way back. Michelle is a hoot. She's a tall, leggy blonde with a salon out of her house. She gives me a razor trim, and I love the way it turns out. She recommends a hair serum I can use while I work out on the gulf to help minimize future damage. I play with my hair as I drive to the mall, loving how light and soft it feels. I have to check the directory to find the suit shop. I don’t stay there long. All of the suits are too skimpy or fancy to work in.

  I find another directory, and this time go to a sports store. I buy three one-piece suits and a couple of sports bra styled, two-piece suits. When I get back to Michelle's, Kate's hair is almost done. Both Kate and Michelle want to see my new suits, so I run back to my car to grab the bag. Holding each one up as they ohhh and ahhh over them.

  "You should have picked something a little sexier if you're going to be working with Ryan," Michelle teases.

  Another fan, I think to myself. When Kate's hair is done, we drive back to her house. For lunch, we have a chef salad. Kate lies down afterward, and I do a small load of laundry to wash my new suits. While the wash is going, I work on my shawl. I can't wait to give it to Kate. She's become such a huge part of my life, and I want to give her something to show her how much this means to me. Maybe she can use it to comfort herself, given all the loss she dealt with over the years. Each time I walk down the hallway to my new room, I still pause to look at the family photo. I have no children but cannot imagine how Kate felt losing both of hers.

  Acceptance

  the act of accepting

  -Merriam Webster

  Over that weekend, I try out my new suits. I’m nervous about working with Ryan. On Monday, I wake up early to get ready. Kate fusses over me at breakfast as though I’m a kindergartener getting onto the bus for the first time. She even packs me a lunch and checks to see if I remembered sunscreen. It’s nice, motherly. Something I have not felt in over two years.

  Ryan pops his head in the front door. "Cinderella's chariot awaits!"

  "Well, have her home before she turns into a pumpkin," Kate returns.

  I grab my bag and travel coffee mug, double checking to make sure I have my sunglasses and hurry over to him.

  "Is what I'm wearing okay?"

  Ryan inspects me, starting with my gray cloth sneakers, raising his gaze to my black running shorts and company t-shirt he had dropped off over the weekend. He brings his eyes up to mine. "You'll do."

  I smirk at him and roll my eyes.

  "Hey, big scary boss man here. No eye rolling missy."

  I bite my lips to keep from laughing and solemnly nod, my eyes dancing. I follow him out to his Jeep, turning to wave once more to Kate. As he drives, I sip my coffee, wondering what the day will bring. When we get to the business, Ryan has me hang out with him in the office area. There are small groups that have reservations to use jet skis to help. Ryan and I check them in and take their payments up front. Then every adult and adult guardian has to sign a waiver. Ryan shows me where to file the paperwork for each group. He also shows me how to schedule folks who call in to make reservations.

  What strikes me as being funny is how similar it is to working the front desk at the doctor's office. I check people in, have them fill out paperwork, and accept payments. Ryan is impressed by how quickly I pick it up. Seeing that the office will not be a big deal for me, he a
sks if I want to go listen to one of the jet ski briefings. There's a lull in reservations, so once the next group is checked in, I walk with him down to the dock to listen to the safety points. Darrell, one of his other employees, is giving the briefing straight off of the dock, there is a large rectangle marked off with buoys. It's about the size of a football field. Darrell explains how that's the riding zone and how to keep the jet ski in idle when going to and from the dock.

  He talks about the automatic kill key that is attached to a bracelet each rider will wear. If someone falls off the key being pulled will turn off the jet ski. Every rider needs to wear a life jacket, and he goes around to check that they're all on tightly. The dock has steps that lead down into the water. Darrell slowly walks down them, the first rider following him. Once he's set on the ski and headed to the ride zone, he gets the next rider set until they're all out.

  He waves at Ryan, and climbing out of the water, walks over to meet me.

  "Would you like to go out on one?" Ryan turns, asking me.

  "Right now?" I gasp.

  "Sure. Hey, Darrell. Tell Jennifer to watch the office. I'm going to take Grace out."

  "Will do. It was nice meeting you, Grace."

  Ryan pulls off his shirt and sets it on a bench that is built into the dock. When he sees I'm still standing there, he asks. "You're wearing a suit, right?"

  "Oh, yes I am" I say, sitting down to take off my shoes, then shirt and shorts.

  Ryan grabs a pair of life jackets.

  "Would you like to ride with me?"

  "Like behind you?"

  His face breaks out in a giant grin. "Yeah."

  My brows pull together. "You won't go too fast will you?"

  "You'll be safe with me."

  I gulp, feeling warm all over and watch him. He walks down the steps and over to a ski, tugging it back over to the dock. Once he's on, he holds out his hand to help me get on. I ease myself into position, deliberately moving my hands to the back of my seat. When Ryan turns it to idle, it bounces, causing me to jump and wrap my arms around his waist. There is still some space between us, so Ryan tugs on my legs to eliminate it. The life jacket stops just short of his waist so my arms are on his bare skin. I feel dizzy, sure that it's being this close to Ryan that's making my heart pound. As he makes his way over to the ride zone, I lean against him, my cheek on his shoulder blade.

  "Hold tight," is all the warning he gives me once we enter the ride zone.

  He isn’t going as fast as some of the other riders but fast enough that if he takes a sharp turn, I'd probably fall off. I tense my legs, pressing them tightly to Ryan's. He drops one hand down to my thigh and rests it there. He may mean the gesture to be calming, but it has the opposite effect. His hand seems to burn, and I'm certain he can hear my heart thumping wildly. When he moves his hand to steer, I feel the loss of its presence on my leg. He turns back to look at me in that moment. He sees how sad I look and stops the ski in the middle of the ride zone with skis still going wildly about us.

  "Are you okay? Was I going too fast?"

  The jet ski bounces up and down in the surf created by multiple wakes. "I'm fine." I turn my face away from his eyes. "You don’t need to stop. I like it"

  "Are you sure?"

  I tighten my arms around him, pressing my cheek to his shoulder blade again and nod. After a beat, we're off again. It’s thrilling, soaring over the water as I cling to him, feeling the heat of his skin against my cheek. I wonder if he ever takes anyone else out. The idea of another girl with him…I don’t even want to think about it. Ryan stops the ski and asks if I want to try driving it.

  "Sure."

  He turns, snakes his arm around my waist, and pulls me into his lap. I gasp, putting my hand on his thigh to steady myself. I am settled between his legs, my hand still on his thigh. My back is pressed up against his chest. His hands have not moved from my waist, and his face hovers over my shoulder. My face is turned towards him. If I move an inch I can kiss his cheek. If he turns to look at me, we will almost be nose to nose. He moves his hands to circle my waist as he removes the kill key from his wrist. He takes one of my hands, placed the kill key on it, and lifts my hand to the throttle to clip it back in.

  He lifts my other hand from his leg and places both of them on the grips. My back arches as he leans over me, his hands still on mine. I close my eyes and try to catch my breath. It’s so hard to concentrate on what he is saying when he seems to be everywhere. The ski rocks us as he shows me how to start it and give it gas. He slowly has me turn the throttle, and I feel the engine jump to life beneath me. Ryan shows me how to steer then wraps his arms around my waist, resting his chin on my shoulder. I go much slower than he had and make a wide loop inside the ride area. After that, Ryan has me switch it to idle and we head back to the dock.

  "Your hair smells heavenly," he whispers into my ear.

  I shiver, making the jet ski jerk, and he chuckles behind me, running the tip of his nose up and down my earlobe. He sits back when we get closer to the dock. He jumps off first and then helps me, his hands resting on my waist a beat before taking my hand and leading me up the stairs.

  "Did you like it?"

  I grin. "I loved it."

  We are off the stairs and he still has my hand in his. I see Darrell walking over to us. I tug my hand free. Ryan gives me a strange look and takes off his life jacket. I try to do the same but can't seem to get the last clip undone. Ryan pushes my hands away and undoes it for me.

  "Was that your first time?" Darrell asks when he reaches us.

  I flush and nod.

  "So, did Ryan show you a good time?"

  What was it with this guy and innuendo? Ryan just laughs and pulls on his t-shirt before handing me a towel. I dry off best I can and put my clothes back on. We walk back to the office together.

  "Would you like to have lunch with me today?" Ryan asks as we walk back.

  Yes. No. I wasn’t sure. "I brought a lunch with me today."

  "You could always eat it tomorrow," he pleads.

  "Alright."

  "Did you want to go to that burger place?"

  "You should have said that from the start," I tease.

  "Ouch." He puts his hand up to his chest as though wounded.

  Jennifer has her feet up on the desk and is filing her nails when we walk up. She glances up at us and slowly lowers her feet but keeps filing her nails.

  "Jennifer, this is Grace."

  "Figured as much."

  I shoot Ryan a concerned look. "This is Jennifer in a good mood. We all stay far, far away from her otherwise."

  She nods her head in agreement.

  "I'd have fired her ages ago, but she is somewhat of a computer whiz, and we wouldn't have a website without her."

  "I prefer computer genius," Jennifer says, looking up from her nails.

  "Alright, computer genius. I'm taking Grace to lunch. Want me to bring you back some onion rings?"

  Her eyes light up, and she nods before realizing she looks too happy. She leans back into her chair and shrugs.

  "Come on," Ryan says, taking my hand again and walking to his car.

  His hand feels so warm in comparison to mine. I'm both thrilled and terrified by the physical contact. Ryan walks me to the passenger side and opens my door for me. Why does this feel like a date? Is this a date? I know I like him. I really like him and not just because I dream about running my fingers through his brown hair. He's a good person. I'm amazed he's single. Must be hard to meet people eating dinner with my grandmother every night.

  "Grace, I have to tell you something."

  He looks so stressed. "Is everything okay?"

  "I hope so. Well, here's the thing. I'm attracted to you."

  I inhale sharply. I thought he might be, but I never expected him to be so blunt about it.

  "And I think you might feel the same way about me. Do you?"

  I feel incapable of responding but reach my hand out to set it on top of his. His eyes snap to m
ine, and it’s like his whole body relaxes.

  "I was really nervous about telling you."

  My mouth drops. "You were nervous around me?"

  "Since the day I picked you up from the airport."

  I don't understand. "But why?"

  He gives me a half smile. "I think you're lovely, always have. When I heard you had a boyfriend, I was crushed."

  I just shake my head. I can't imagine why he would be interested in me.

  "So is this a date?'

  "Nope. This is just lunch. If you aren’t doing anything Friday night, I'd like to take you on a date but not just that. I'd like to date you period. Is that something you would be interested in? Dating me?"

  "I'd really like that."

  His smile at my response is perfection. I laugh when he grabs my hand and kisses it. He is too cute. The rest of lunch is uncomfortable, but in a good way. I find myself transfixed by his lips. I don’t hear a word that come out of them but imagine them on me. When I’m not staring at his lips, I watch his hands, thinking back to when he had pulled me in front of him on the ski. Those hands on my waist. It’s hard to eat when I am so distracted. On the way out, Ryan picks up the take out order of onion rings for Jennifer.

  When we are back at the office, Ryan leaves me with Jennifer for the afternoon. He is leading a kayak tour. I feel light and can't seem to stop smiling or looking at him.

  "So you and Ryan?"

  "Yes?"

  She tilts her head at me. "Bummer."

  "Do you like Ryan?"

  She laughs. "Nope. I'm gay. Was kinda hoping you were too, blondie."

  My mouth drops. Not really sure what the right response to that is so I just shrug, which makes her laugh. That seems to eliminate any tension that may have been there, and we work well together for the rest of the day. Not long before closing time, I watch Ryan return with the kayak tour. I am riveted watching his arms as his paddle slices through the water. Once he is parallel to the dock, he smoothly pulls himself and his yak out before helping other people. I blush when I remember my fall getting out of the kayak.