by Natalie Ann
“I’m unlucky for sure,” she said. Unlucky in love.
“So not PMS, just like I thought. Is it Darren? Is he being a jerk and bringing his girlfriend around you again, rubbing it in your face?”
“Why do you hate him so much?”
“I don’t hate him, Jill. I’m surprised you don’t with everything you’ve told me. But I just think he’s selfish and self-absorbed and has never taken your feelings into consideration.”
It seemed everyone thought she was a fool, even Darren, just all for different reasons. “Lots of women are friends with their exes.”
“I get that. I really do, but it’s just odd when there aren’t children in the picture. It’s like he doesn’t respect you at all. He only comes around or calls you when he wants something. When was the last time he called to say hi? Or called to take you out to dinner to thank you for being there for him? To thank you for anything at all? Did he even thank you a while ago when you met his girlfriend and you said you liked her? And, did you even like her or just make it up because it was easier than being honest?”
Jill felt her shoulders drop and moved away from the water cooler and into Tiffany’s office. She didn’t want anyone to overhear this conversation.
The sad part was, here was another person opening her eyes to things she’d never seen before. Forcing her to realize that when push came to shove, even Jill put herself last.
“I haven’t talked to Darren in weeks. Matter of fact I’ve been avoiding him since I told him that it was time we went our separate ways and lived our lives.”
Tiffany’s jaw dropped and she raised her hand. When Jill refused to slap it, Tiffany picked it up and manually did it herself. “What caused you to do it? Why now?”
There was no way she was telling Tiffany that it was what Owen said that made her do it. That she wanted something so bad with another guy and knew she’d never be able to let herself go completely if she didn’t shed a part of her past with it. She was realizing that her past had been keeping her locked in one spot.
“It was time. It was holding me back. Every time I saw him, I’d go home and beat myself up. I’d ask myself what I did wrong or what was wrong with me that I wasn’t good enough.”
“You’re too good for him. That’s what is wrong with you. He knew it too. He held you back so that he could feel better about himself. He came out smelling like a rose. Don’t you think he tells all the women he dates that you two have such a great relationship because he caved and is there for you? That you wanted a divorce and that he gave you what you wanted, but he’s still there for you. I bet he doesn’t tell anyone it’s the other way around.”
“I wanted the divorce though,” she said, finally saying it out loud.
Had she wanted her marriage with Darren to work? In the beginning she did, but when she realized he was content just going about his life and leaving her there by herself, she knew it would slowly kill a part of her.
“You keep telling yourself that and maybe you’ll believe it. Let’s be honest, Jill. From everything you’ve said, you were more a mother or big sister to him than anything. He got what he wanted and he still needs that big sister support. Remember, people always feel like they can shit on their family because family would always be there for them. You aren’t his family anymore.”
“You’re probably right. It’s still hard though. I’m not his family anymore, but it’s difficult to walk away from someone that has been such a major part of my life for so long.”
“Not a good part of your life. Don’t use him that way.”
Jill crossed her arms. “How did this get turned around on me?”
“Sorry. My bad. My mouth gets ahead of me at times. But you’re using him to stay in one place. You’re using him as a reason to never try again because you failed. So what? Lots of people fail at relationships. But they move on. I’m glad to know you at least figured that out.”
“Yeah. Better late than never, right?”
“Exactly. Now you just need to find the perfect guy for you. He’s out there and when you find him, don’t let go. Fight for him. But if he won’t fight for you, then kick his ass to the curb and don’t wait years to do it either.”
Jill laughed. “Good advice to have.”
Guess she already kicked Owen to the curb because she felt she wasn’t worth fighting for in his eyes. Why did it have to hurt so much if it was good advice?
Best Logic of All
A few days before Christmas, Owen was in his room wrapping gifts when Luke knocked on his door. He’d thought Luke was sleeping since he’d gone to bed over an hour ago.
“Hang on, buddy.” He shoved everything under the bed fast and unlocked the door. “What’s wrong? Don’t you feel good?”
“I’m fine.” Luke looked around the room like he was trying to figure out what was going on and unfortunately Owen had no choice but to let Luke in since it seemed he wanted to talk.
Once in a while this would happen. Luke would come in and say he couldn’t sleep and want to spend the night in Owen’s bed. Since it didn’t happen often, he didn’t say no.
Luke climbed on Owen’s bed and then said, “Are you mad at me?”
“Not at all. Why would you even think that?”
“Because you’re quiet and you’re never quiet with me. And you seem sad.”
It was amazing his five-year-old son picked up on Owen’s change in behavior when he’d been trying so hard to hide it. He guessed he wasn’t doing that great of a job hiding anything lately.
“Sometimes people just have bad days. It’s nothing more than that, Luke. I’m fine.”
“Do you miss Jill?”
Luke had only met Jill twice. The first time was dinner at his parents and video games after and then the following weekend the three of them took in a movie and went to dinner. By the time they’d returned home, it was late and they played a board game with Luke going straight off to bed the minute the game was done.
“I do.”
“Are you mad at her?” He’d forgotten Luke could ask a million questions.
“I’m not going to talk to you about my relationship with Jill,” he said. That would be pushing things too much, even if Luke was more perceptive than he’d thought.
“Then it has to be me,” Luke said, his bottom lip trembling and tears starting to build.
“No. I told you I’m not mad or upset with you at all. Why are you thinking that?” He reached his hand out and laid it on Luke’s. Luke didn’t always like to be pulled in for a hug.
Luke blinked a few times, big fat tears rolling down his cheeks, and Owen felt like he kicked a puppy.
“Because you weren’t sad like this before, and then I met Jill and now you are. It’s something I did or said to her, isn’t it?”
“Not at all,” Owen said, pulling Luke in and hugging his little body next to his, not caring if Luke didn’t want it. Owen needed the hug, so he was giving it.
He should have thought of all of this before he introduced Jill and Luke to each other.
Then again, he didn’t expect this to happen weeks ago. He thought he had something in the making with Jill. Something special.
He was wrong. She was wrong. They’d both made mistakes, but the problem was they couldn’t fix them. She was pretty much avoiding him at all costs.
“I want you to be happy again, Daddy,” Luke said sniffling against his shirt.
“I will be, bud. I’m sorry if I’ve been a little quiet or sad. It has absolutely nothing to do with you at all. Everything I do, I do for you. I want you happy and I want you to know I’ll do everything I can to make that happen.”
“If you do everything for me, then I’m making you sad,” Luke all but wailed.
Owen frowned wondering what Luke was talking about. “I don’t understand.”
“You just said you do everything for me, but whatever you’re doing it’s making you sad, so it is me. Do something for you. Do something so you’re happy like you used to b
e.”
Sometimes a kid’s logic was the best logic of all.
“I’ll try, bud. Don’t worry about me though. But you know what? You’re pretty smart because that is great advice.”
The next morning, Owen got up, showered, and dressed, leaving Luke sound asleep in his bed. He was drinking his coffee when his mother walked in the front door.
“He’s in my bed when you go wake him.”
“Did he have a rough night?” his mother asked, sympathy spreading across her face.
“Not really. Or not like you’d think. He’s worried about me.”
He hadn’t wanted to say that to his mother knowing that it would be like taking a stick to the beehive again.
“You have been a touch crabby lately. I’m sure he’s sensed it. Kids are smarter than we think. Is there trouble in paradise with you and Jill?”
He snorted. “It’s hardly been paradise.” Not most of the time.
Only when they were alone. When he was thinking of her. When she made him smile. Then it felt like paradise.
“You shouldn’t compare all your relationships to the one you had with Ashley.”
“I’m not.” That thought never crossed his mind.
“Then what is it?”
“I’m putting Luke first. I didn’t want anyone at work to know Jill and I were dating. She was fine with it. She said she was. I brought her home to meet you guys. I introduced her to Luke. I’m not making a secret out of it.”
“No, I would think not. If she knows you well, then she’d know it had to take a lot for you to bring her around Luke.”
“I think she knows that.” She admitted as much, but was it just lip service? Was it just her putting a good front on like she always did?
“So then what is it? What do her parents think?” his mother asked.
“She hasn’t told them yet. She said if she did, they’d want to know who I was and it’d get around to people and then back to work.”
“So her parents are gossips?”
“I have no clue. I didn’t get that feeling.”
Now that he thought about it, it was more likely that Darren might find out, her friends, and then it’d get around to her job. But if she wasn’t talking to Darren anymore like she said...
“Maybe you should ask her?”
“She won’t talk to me.”
“Then something more had to have happened,” his mother said, lifting her eyebrow.
“She found out about my promotion before it was announced. She accused me of not saying anything to her, of hiding our relationship so it didn’t hinder my promotion.”
“That’s ridiculous.”
“Yes and no.”
His mother put her hands on her hips. “Well, what is it? Is that why you didn’t want anyone to know?”
“At first, yes. But that was over a month ago. Then Jill and I got close and I knew the announcement was coming and I just figured what was another week or so. We’ve only been together a few months. I still have to put my job and Luke first.”
His mother shook her head. “You’re smart, Owen. Think about how stupid that sounds.”
There was nothing he could say back because his mother walked out of the room and turned the TV on and shut him out.
With nothing else left to do, he finished getting ready and drove to work hoping to see Jill’s car in the parking lot.
It wasn’t. But he was earlier than normal too.
By the time he saw her walking down the hall, she was already ushering patients to the room for their tests and he’d lost his chance.
For hours she walked back and forth past his office, ignoring him in the hall when he tried to get her attention, and he was giving up hope. The fact that she didn’t respond to his text when he asked if they could talk at lunchtime just pushed him over the edge.
When he knew she was done with patients, he went in search of her, finding her sitting in the break room with a few other staff eating and talking.
Without thinking. Without talking. Without missing a beat. He walked over to her, pulled her up and kissed her hard in front of everyone. There were some gasps, one of them being Jill’s, as she melted against him.
He pushed her back, saw the glazed look in her eyes and said, “Maybe now you’ll talk to me.” Then he walked out of the room and went back to his office.
Ready to Erupt
“What the heck was that?” Tiffany asked her.
“I don’t know,” she answered, looking around the room and seeing all the eyes on her.
“You’ve got to know something. The guy barely talks to anyone and he just walked in here and kissed you like you were some long lost lover he hadn’t seen in years that he’d been holding flowers for at the bus station.”
Close enough, she was thinking, but couldn’t very well say that out loud.
“We’ve been dating for a bit, but cooled off a few weeks ago.”
“That sure the heck didn’t look like it was cooled off to me. That looked more like Mount Vesuvius ready to erupt. I’d run after him and find out what was going on and then maybe yank him in for another kiss while you’re at it.” Tiffany started to wave her hand in front of her face. “If my husband ever did that to me, I might lock us in the bedroom for hours,” she whispered.
She looked around the room. Another co-worker said, “If you don’t go after him I will. Holy cow that was hot. To just put it out there like that in front of everyone. Damn.”
Jill finally came to her senses and took off down the hall running as fast as she could and then turning the corner into Owen’s office. He had the nerve to be sitting there calmly like he didn’t just walk in and kiss her breathless in front of everyone, embarrassing her on top of it.
“How could you do that?”
He looked up and smirked. “You could have pushed me off. I don’t recall you attempting that. Matter of fact, I’m pretty sure you clung to me and I had to pry your fingers off my shirt.”
Her face filled with heat. She couldn’t argue that point because he was probably right. She didn’t remember anything other than her body glowing inside like lightning bugs in a jar. She had no control over her body when he touched her.
“Why did you do it? It’s embarrassing,” she said.
“You need to make up your mind. You accused me of keeping it a secret for my job, so I did the only thing I could think of to prove to you that you were wrong. If you pushed me back. If you slapped me. If you did anything, I could be fired on the spot. That didn’t stop me though, did it?”
That hadn’t occurred to her. “I wouldn’t do that.”
“How would I know that? You haven’t given me a chance to explain anything. I took a risk. It got you here to talk to me, didn’t it?”
“What did you want to say to me?” she said.
“You can shut the door so we can talk, or leave it open and let everyone else listen in. I’ll leave the decision up to you.”
She walked over and shut the door. “Talk,” she said.
“I’m sorry, Jill. I’m sorry that you felt I was using you, which I wasn’t. I’m sorry that I made a misstep and didn’t tell you about the promotion. I should have told you. I should have confided in you and trusted that you’d keep it to yourself and that was wrong of me. But I can tell you right now I never used you once nor hid it for fear it would hinder me from getting the job. I’m not embarrassed by our relationship and I’m sorry if it made you feel that way. That falls under the misstep section.”
“It did. I guess. Though you just threw it out there and I’m embarrassed now.”
“Then you need to make up your mind on what you really want, like I said before. What is it you want? Do you want to end things? Are we done and you just didn’t want to voice it to me? Did you think I’d give up and just go away? I’m not that way. Not unless you tell me point blank.”
She’d always thought he wouldn’t fight for her. Deep down that was what a lot of this was about. That she felt if she gave
anyone a choice, they wouldn’t choose her.
Yet here he was putting his job on the line like he’d said and making her realize she’d been in the wrong...again.
“I don’t want it to end. I just want you to be honest with me. To be open with me,” she said.
“I am being honest. I’ve never been dishonest. I was up front the whole time. I told you I wanted to take things slow, yet I still brought you home to meet my parents and my son. That’s not taking anything slow.”
“I realized that after the fact.”
“But you couldn’t tell me that?” he asked.
“I was ashamed,” she admitted.
“I’m not about to ask what happened in your marriage because I don’t want to know. You obviously had communication problems, among other things. But I don’t operate that way.”
“I realized that too. That a lot of my problems with our relationship were in my head. Self-doubt and low self-worth. It’s hard when you’ve always been pushed aside to change that feeling.”
“I get it. I do. I don’t know what to do to make you change the way you feel about yourself.”
“It’s something I need to do on my own. I thought I was. Or I thought I was trying, but I’ve been miserable for weeks. I shouldn’t have acted the way I have. It was childish on my part. I should have handled things like an adult.”
She didn’t want to tell him that she thought she handled everything like an adult with Darren and it didn’t make a difference. She just didn’t know what to do this time around. Admitting that would just make her look more like a fool than she already was.
“You should have but I’m not going to hold it against you. I’ve realized that we both made mistakes. That we both have things in our past that guided us, or I should say, misguided us. The truth is, I want to start fresh. I want to start over.”