Letting Go

by Mary Beth Lee

  Something was bothering her, but she wasn’t sharing. Of course, from what he’d seen so far she wasn’t exactly the sharing kind. Tough way to do life.

  The ride home showed the Triple Eight had avoided most of the damage. When he crossed the cattle guard, the bright lights burning in all the front windows downstairs caught his attention fist. When he pulled into the drive, his parents’ Ramblin’ Road RV made him smile.

  “How about that,” he said, and Clarissa opened her eyes, blinked a few times and bit her lip. He wondered what she was thinking seeing the ranch house for the first time.

  “My parents drove in from Branson,” he explained. “They must’ve started this way about the time the storm hit.”

  The door opened and three cow dogs barreled toward the truck and then Momma was standing on the front porch, a towel in her hands, her hair pulled back in a silver pony tail that made her look younger than she was. But he saw the worry and relief in her eyes.

  A few seconds after Jed stopped the truck his daddy limped his way out the door to join her. His arthritis must be giving him fits after the drive.

  “Hey, hold up there,” he said when Clarissa started to open her door. His daddy’d let him have it for sure if he saw anything resembling poor manners.

  A quick skip and Jed had Clarissa’s door open, then Mack’s. Unbuckling the seatbelt, he pulled her from the booster and cradled her in his arms. She settled her head against his neck, her arms draped around his shoulders, and he breathed a quick prayer of thanksgiving. It wasn’t often he got to hold Mack like this. She was always running ninety to nothing, pushing him away after a few seconds. The storm today had been way too close, and yet, they’d survived unscathed.

  “A welcoming committee, huh?” Clarissa said worriedly, and Jed laughed.

  “You might say that,” he said, noting the question in his momma’s eyes as she took in Clarissa and the stiffness to Clarissa’s shoulders as she seemed to drag forward.

  “You going to be okay?”

  “Always am,” she said, and he could swear he heard something unspoken in her words.

  Carrying Mack up the steps to the porch, he noticed Clarissa’s head had snapped straight. Her blue eyes were smudged with tired dark circles. Her hands were rough and red from hours of work at the church. Her hair was falling out of its clip and the clothes she wore, a white shirt, jeans and yellow plastic looking sandals, were the only clothes she owned other than the apron she’d left in the walk-in at Pete’s.

  She was the same kind of mess he was, and Jed was as proud to introduce her to his parents as anyone he’d ever brought home for them to meet.

  “Momma, Daddy, I’d like you to meet Clarissa Dye. She’s new in town, works at Pete’s and has been helping me out with Mack. She lost everything in the tornado, so she’ll be staying with us a while.”

  He noticed her slight frown at his last words and then she was shaking his daddy’s hand. When she tried to shake his momma’s hand, Momma wasn’t having any part of it.

  “You poor dear,” she said, wrapping Clarissa in a Susie Dillon hug. And then he didn’t have to worry about Clarissa and her frowns because his momma was pulling her in the house in that way she had that brooked no resistance.

  “Let’s get you set up in one of the guest rooms. My daughter, Jed’s little sister Callie’s about your size, and she left clothes here when she visited last.”

  With that Clarissa was walking up the stairs with his momma, and once again Jed said a quick prayer of thanksgiving, this time for his mother’s ability to make anyone feel at ease. Because Clarissa definitely needed that comfort tonight.

  After Jed tucked Mack in bed, he made his way to the living room where his daddy sat in front of empty fireplace, a concerned look on his face.

  “She’s not one of your lost pets, Jed.”

  Jed was exhausted and hurting and he wanted to visit Clarissa, tell her everything would somehow be okay. But he was going to have to have this talk with his daddy.

  “I know that,” Jed said.

  “She’s a grown woman who has the look of a world of hurts that have nothing to do with the storm tonight in her eyes.”

  “She’s a friend, Daddy. That’s all. And I think I know a bit about a world of hurts.” Jed couldn’t help adding the last part even though he knew no one in his family needed reminding.

  “There are some hurts you know nothing about, Son, and I’m thinking that young woman you brought home might have a few experiences there.”

  When Jed started to answer, his daddy waved away his words.

  “Don’t go jumping down my throat, Jed. You know I’m not going to judge her one way or t’other, but I saw the way you were looking at her. Her hurts are going to take the Good Lord’s miraculous ways.”

  Jed didn’t bother denying his father’s words. Didn’t even try to say he was wrong. Because tonight, after what they’d been through, he was done denying that he was interested in Clarissa Dye.

  “Well, we know plenty about God’s miracles, too, don’t we?” Jed said remembering for a moment, then wishing more than anything the memories weren’t so sharp on this night when everything had changed.

  Chapter Five

  Clarissa pulled the double wedding ring patterned quilt to her chin and tried to ignore the smell of bacon and eggs and who knew what other yummies cooking downstairs. She didn’t want to get up yet. Didn’t want to face the realities of the world.

  The bed was perfect. White, soft, big. A bed she could get used to, which was crazy because she couldn’t stay here. This house belonged to the Dillons, a family so far removed from her life experiences, she almost couldn’t make herself believe this wasn’t some sort of cruel dream land.

  Clarissa had moved to Stearns with one goal. To live on her own with no regrets and get on down the road to the next life experience when it was time. She definitely believed in signs and signs didn’t get much more obvious than a tornado blowing away her apartment. Stearns had been a tick mark on a road map of life. Maybe it was time to move on to the next location.

  Shouldn’t be a big deal, but the heartbreaking ache in her chest made it clear leaving Stearns would’t be easy.

  Jed’s mother had laid out a t-shirt, sweat pants and clean underwear. Callie’s clothes, Clarissa figured, grabbing them and making her way to the restroom attached to the bedroom.

  A few minutes later she was showered and ready for the day, but Clarissa wasn’t so sure she was ready to face the Dillon family. They were everything she’d never been, never had, never understood. Secretly wanted.

  Taking a deep breath for courage, she stepped out of the room, let herself enjoy the scent of a homemade breakfast that wasn’t diner food and started down the hall to the staircase that would end her hours of hiding out.

  “I told Daddy you were up.”

  Clarissa heard Mack’s voice before she saw her. When the little girl rounded the corner Clarissa was stunned for a moment. The mismatched clothes and wild hair were gone, replaced by pressed overalls and a perfectly pulled back pony tail secured by a big red bow.

  “Wow,” she said surprised. “New clothes, huh?”

  “Gran did it. She’s a miracle worker. That’s what Aunt Joan says.” Mackenzie whispered the last and Clarissa wondered why that was a secret, but then Mackenzie took her hand and pulled her down the stairs, talking the whole way.

  “Today I’m going to take you out to meet my horse, Flower. And you’ll get to see my new kitties and Daddy said you can ride Blue if you want because she’s real nice and even if you’re afraid, Blue won’t bite and that’s good because once José’s niece Alma got bit by one of the horses and she won’t come back to the Triple Eight no more and you’ve got to come back because Gran told Gramps you don’t got nowhere to go.”

  Terrific.

  “How about we do one thing at a time,” she said, walking with Mack into the living room. All Clarissa had wanted to do last night was collapse into a bed, so she’d m
issed the sense of home in every corner of the Dillons’ house.

  Family photos covered almost all the space visible. A piano stood against one wall, a steel guitar next to that. Blue and white and yellow worked together to give the room a comfortable feeling. Light poured in the open front windows. Like something in a home magazine or on a TV show. Like nothing Clarissa had ever seen.

  No one was in the room, and that surprised Clarissa. Or it did until she heard the hum of voices coming from the kitchen.

  “Come on, Clarissa!” Mackenzie said. “Gran made biscuits and chocolate gravy and bacon and homemade orange juice. Daddy’s out working, but Gran and Gramps are here, and we got lots to do.”

  Blowing out another breath, Clarissa forced one foot in front of the other. Funny how afraid she was now that she’d finally made up her mind. She wasn’t staying. It didn’t matter what these people thought of her.

  You can only run so far and you’ll never be able to get away from yourself.

  Clarissa wondered why her subconscious voice sounded so crystal clear in moments like these and why it had to ring so true.

  When she entered the kitchen, she was surprised by the warmth in Jed’s mother’s smile. “Come on in here, Dear. You sit and let me make you a plate.”

  Clarissa didn’t bother arguing with the woman who finished wiping off a cabinet while she talked. She’d seen people like Susie Dillon before, and there was no winning.

  Jed’s father, Paul, sat at the table, a steaming cup of coffee by one hand, a newspaper in the other. He folded the paper, put it on the table and said good morning, then watched her until she was seated. Like he was weighing something in her. But the look didn’t make her feel judged. Not exactly. It was almost like he was trying to see into her soul.

  She prayed he didn’t see the truth buried there.

  A few seconds later a plate full of food sat in front of her, and her stomach grumbled taking her mind off Jed’s father completely.

  “I hope you slept all right,” Susie said. “Jed wanted us to let you know crews are working on the area around Pete’s. He’ll be back from taking care of some chores around the ranch in an hour, and he’ll drive you into town then.”

  Susie said the words as if they were talking about who won the State Fair’s pie contest or how to make peach jelly. Part of Clarissa wanted to be put off by that. Instead, she took comfort in the knowledge that this woman who seemed so strong believed everything would be okay.

  “Thank you so much for everything,” Clarissa said, and then she took a bite of a mouthwatering homemade biscuit and wondered why she’d been so determined to try to do life on her own. She’d made a mess of things over the years. It was nice to let someone else take care of her.

  As she swallowed the bite, she felt a comforting hand on her shoulder, something else she’d gone a long time without.

  “I haven’t been where you are right now, Clarissa,” Susie said, “but I know it will work out. Things always do.”

  Clarissa nodded because she couldn’t speak without falling into a squalling fit.

  “Hey, Gramps, Moo’s in the front yard again, and this time it’s not my fault.”

  Mackenzie’s words pulled the focus off her and on to what Clarissa figured must be a cow. Jed’s father jumped up and started limping toward the door at the same time Susie called out “use your cane!” and Mackenzie pulled back the curtain, waving her over. Sure enough, a black and white spotted cow was in the front yard eating orange and yellow marigolds.

  “I swear that animal thinks she’s a pet,” Susie said and Mackenzie giggled then said “that’s ‘cuz she is,” before running outside to help her grandpa try to shoo the cow to the other side of the fence.

  “She’s our light, you know,” Susie said nodding toward her granddaughter, and Clarissa heard an underlying current she wasn’t quite certain how to decipher.

  “She’s really amazing.” Somehow Clarissa said the words over the sudden lump in her throat.

  “It’s good you see that, sometimes people don’t.”

  The phone rang and Susie Dillon left Clarissa alone in a sunshine bright kitchen at a wooden table where love and family were the expected instead of the fairy tale.

  For a moment, Clarissa let herself wonder how different her life would’ve been if… but then she heard Susie’s conversation.

  “Yes, Joan, we are so blessed that Jed and Mack are safe when the tornado came so close to the diner. The whole town is blessed.”

  Joan. Anderson.

  Somehow Clarissa knew where this conversation was going, so she grabbed her juice and stepped outside.

  Warm summer air and bright blue cloudless skies reminded her that life did go on.

  “Can I help,” she called, eyeing the cow suspiciously. It looked bigger now that she was so close, and it’s mouth looked giant.

  “If you can get the gate, Mack and I can lead her back to her side of the fence,” Jed’s father said.

  “And then I can take you out to meet Flower,” Mackenzie added.

  Clarissa scrambled by Moo to open the gate the rest of the way.

  The cow wasn’t all that interested in leaving her greener pasture, but they did finally get her out of the yard.

  “Moo thinks she’s a pet ‘cuz Daddy fed her with a bottle and kept her alive when she was a calf. She’s spoiled. Daddy’s good at feeding babies with bottles because of all the practice he got with me. Hey, Gramps, can we take Clarissa out to see Flower and Blue now?”

  Jed’s father sent Clarissa a long look when she didn’t respond right away, almost like he was sizing her up again, like maybe she wouldn’t meet his expectations. But after a few seconds, he seemed to see something in her she didn’t know for sure existed.

  “Sure can, Little Bit,” he said opening the gate and starting to walk through.

  But Susie must’ve been watching from inside because no sooner had he made his way to the other side of the fence than she was running outside.

  “Don’t you even think about trekking across to the barn without your cane, you stubborn old grumpy gus.”

  Clarissa held her breath, not really sure why Susie Dillon’s opinion mattered so much. But either Mrs. Anderson hadn’t convinced her that Clarissa was a criminal or worse or Jed’s mother was a mighty fine actress. Clarissa wasn’t sure which was the case, and she decided she didn’t care. She was going to take today off. Enjoy everything about it. Try to find a place inside her she hadn’t realized existed. Ignore the reality that she was a criminal.

  “Come on, Clarissa!” Mackenzie called.

  Clarissa laughed then, really laughed, for the first time in years, and followed the little girl who’d stolen her heart.

  Clarissa told herself she wouldn’t let her fear of big animals show as they approached the horse corrals. But then she saw Blue, the supposedly tame horse, and all her good intentions were gone.

  “She’s big, but she’s the gentlest horse I’ve ever owned,” Paul Dillon said.

  “I learned how to ride on Blue, and Daddy said any horse that could take me could handle anything,” Mackenzie said with pride.

  Jed’s daughter pulled her hand over to a nearby corral where Flower stood whinnying as they neared.

  Once they reached the pen, Mackenzie was lost, totally and completely focused on the horse. And watching them together, Clarissa saw the horse felt the same about the little girl.

  When they entered an arena with a dirt floor, Mackenzie took the horse out and started leading her through her paces. She was as at ease on the horse as she was on her own feet.

  The smell of dirt and animals and sweat blended together with a light breeze blowing because of the open garage type doors on both sides of the arena. This place was as foreign to her as the sunlit kitchen had been. She didn’t belong here with these people, this family. They were going to make her soft if she wasn’t careful.

  “Mack sure has connected with you.” Paul Dillon’s voice startled her.


  “She’s an amazing kid,” Clarissa said, repeating the words she’d said so many times over.

  “Glad you see it,” he said. “Sometimes people don’t.”

  Clarissa bit her lip because she didn’t want to talk about Mackenzie. About how much she liked the little girl. About how much she respected Jed for raising her on his own.

  “Her momma left less than a year after she was born. We haven’t heard from her since.”

  Clarissa’s heart hurt, but she didn’t want to encourage the conversation. It was Jed’s to tell if he wanted. If she stayed long enough to hear. Paul Dillon somehow understood.

  “I’m telling you now because the girl’s got a tender heart, and I’ve seen eyes like yours before. If you’re going to leave, it might be best to do it sooner rather than later.”

  Anger sparked through Clarissa, even though he was simply giving voice to what she’d been thinking.

  She felt the red splotches on her cheeks and wished she could tamp down anger as well as she could other emotions.

  But then Paul shocked her.

  “Don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying you should leave. Those eyes I’ve seen before were mine. If you want to talk about it one day, let me know. I will say there’s nothing God can’t forgive.”

  Clarissa’s anger turned to an ache for the impossible. She didn’t look at Paul, didn’t say a word. Curiosity warred with the knowledge that Paul Dillon was way too astute and the need to push him away because of that fact. She didn't say what she was really thinking, that maybe God could forgive, but she wasn't sure she could ever forgive herself.

  In the end, Clarissa was saved by a loud whistle as Jed strolled into the barn looking more relaxed than she'd ever seen him after a morning of working chores and checking fence line for damage from the storm.

  Mackenzie didn't stop the horse, but she did smile and wave as she called out, "Daddy!"

  "Looking good there, Mack."

  Clarissa's heart did a little flip flop as Jed moved closer to her side to watch his daughter. Goodness, the man looked like he'd stepped off the pages of a Stetson cologne magazine ad. The way he smiled at her left her breathless.