A Glass of Crazy

by Tina Laningham

By the time our flip-flops hit sand, the bright orange sun disappeared and multi-colored lights reflected on palm trees along the beach. We passed a sign that read, No Glass on the Beach and I reached around to feel the metal flask in my pocket, as if I would forget to bring it. Megan's magnetic force immediately turned three boys' heads and she stepped out in front, leaving Rafa and I to walk behind like peasants. I pulled out my flask and took a sip.

  "Look at that," Rafa said, pointing to an outdoor buffet of shrimp and crab legs. I was starving, but Megan obviously had other priorities, so Rafa and I paid and loaded up our plates. We found a couple of chairs where we could eat popcorn shrimp and watch Megan hold court with a couple of guys.

  "This reminds me of the movies." Rafa tossed a shrimp in the air and caught it in his mouth. I must have needed food because I tore through my shrimp and then sipped on my flask while Rafa finished eating.

  When music started blasting from a stage not too far down the beach, Rafa and I tossed our plates in a bin and headed that way.

  "Wait!" Megan shouted out from behind. I grabbed Megan's hand and pulled her through swarms of people to the stage until it was impossible to get any closer, but at least we could see the stage. The Backstage Boys belted out a song that Rafa loved and he was already lip synching, completely lost in his own little dancing world.

  Megan had at least a half dozen boys in her magnetic field who were feeling her pull, but she clearly had her eye on one: tall and tanned, with a clearly defined six pack-and not the one in his hand. Megan licked her lips like she wanted him for dinner.

  I folded my arms and checked him up and down. The guy had more curves in his arms than a rollercoaster. "Getting hungry?" I asked.

  "I am," she replied deliciously.

  I pulled out my flask and took another sip. When I turned around, Megan was already talking to the guy. He popped opened a can of beer and handed it to her, and then they laughed until their lips accidentally bumped into each other. Ohmygod, they were already making out! It was too weird to watch. Rafa was still lip synching his heart out, so I bent my knees and bounced up and down with the music, pretending like I was dancing with him.

  In front of us, a group of guys had a funnel, the kind Rafa's brother used to put oil in his truck. A clear plastic tube, about an inch in diameter, was duct taped to the narrow end of the funnel. The tubing was about three feet long and I could not figure out why they needed oil changing stuff on the beach when there were clearly no cars anywhere. Eventually, one guy put the end of the tube in his mouth while another held the funnel above his head. A third guy reached up and poured a whole can of beer into the funnel and within seconds, the first guy with the tube in his mouth had downed an entire can of beer. It was insane.

  "Ohmygod, I would never do that," I said to Rafa, who wasn't even looking at them. I was thirsty though, and a cold beer sounded pretty good. By all their laughter, they seemed harmless. "Go ask them for a beer," I said to Rafa.

  "Who?"

  "Those guys, over there." I nodded my head toward them.

  "You go ask," he replied timidly.

  "We are truly pathetic," I said. "Megan has more guts than the two of us put together." I slung my arm over Rafa's shoulder and moved in the direction of the boys with the weird contraption. "What's that?" I asked, like it was a random conversation.

  The cute boy grinned and said, "Beer bong. Here, try it." Another boy held the funnel in front of me.

  "No thanks. I was just curious."

  "Oh, come on," the cute one said. "You have to try it."

  I looked at Rafa, who was smiling and shaking his head no.

  "I'm Daniel," the cute one said. He looked half Asian.

  "Abby," I said, "and this is Rafa."

  Daniel introduced the other two guys, Bobby and Brad, but I wasn't paying attention. I had my eye on the ice chest.

  "Have a beer," Daniel said.

  "Oh thanks," I replied as unexcitedly as possible.

  "Sure you don't want to give it a go?"

  "Huh?" I said.

  "The beer bong," Daniel said. "Try it."

  I looked at Rafa, who shrugged.

  "Sure," I said, "why not."

  Daniel took the beer I was holding and handed me the end of the three-foot tube. Bobby and Brad operated the funnel end.

  "Okay, put the tube in your mouth," Daniel said, "and just let the beer go down."

  Bobby and Brad lifted the funnel and poured in the whole can of beer, which came through the tubing fast and I'd downed it within a matter of seconds. Daniel put his hands on my arms. "How does it feel?" he asked.

  "Ohmygod," I said. "My stomach feels ice cold. It's crazy. Rafa, you have to try it."

  Rafa was grinning. "No, I don't think so."

  "That's cool," Daniel said and signaled the other two guys to pour a couple of beers in the bong for themselves.

  After they all had a turn, we hung out and listened to the music. Daniel was cool. He didn't try to kiss me or anything, we just talked. He asked if Rafa was my boyfriend and when I said yes, my gay boyfriend, Daniel laughed and fist bumped Rafa.

  After awhile, Daniel said, "Want another beer?"

  "Absolutely," I said.

  I downed another through the bong and before I could savor the ice cold feeling in my tummy, I heard Megan's voice say, "Ohmygod, you didn't! And I thought I scored tonight!"

  I threw my arms around Megan and said, "I'm so glad to see you." I may have sounded drunk. "And these," I said, waving my hand all over the place, "are the beer bong boys."

  "Hi beer bong boys," Megan said hurriedly. "Rafa, honey, let's get her back to the hotel."

  "Bye Daniel." I waved my arm through the air. "Bye Daniel."

  "She needs coffee," Megan said on the way back.

  "No coffee." Rafa pulled my arm tighter around his neck. "Mam? says if you give a drunk man coffee, all you get is a wide awake drunk man.

  "No coffee," I said. "Bad idea, coffee. Bad coffee. Ha, ha, ha. Bad coffee. Get it?"

  "Jeez, she's ripped." Megan struggled to hold me up. "How did you let this happen?"

  "I didn't know," Rafa replied.

  "He didn't know," I said, totally sticking up for Rafa.

  I didn't remember going through the rotating glass doors or riding up the elevator, but we must have because Megan was sticking her card in the slot and opening the door of our hotel room. I stepped on a paper just inside the door. "Oopsie," I said, and headed straight for bed because it felt like the floor was moving.

  "What's this?" Megan picked up the paper.

  "Someone must have slipped it under the door," Rafa said.

  I propped up some pillows and sat on the non-moving bed.

  "It's a test," Megan said, reading the paper. "Oh, this is funny! Let's take it."

  "God, I hate tests." I reached around and tried to pull the flask out of my back pocket, but it was wedged between my butt and the bed.

  "No worries," Megan said, giggling. "You're gonna ace it."

  I lifted my butt and finally got the flask out.

  "Number one," Megan said. "Are you unable to stop drinking after a certain number of drinks?"

  "Oh God, it's the alkie test!" I screamed. "Lemme me see that!"

  Megan kept reading. "It's from some treatment center. Guess they figured all the teenage alkies came to South Padre Island. Okay, number two: Do you need a drink to get motivated?"

  "Absolutely not. Whoops, I slurred. Absolutely not."

  "Do you repeat yourself?" Rafa chimed in.

  Megan snorted and laughed, "They should have that on here!"

  "I missed something. Huh? What?" and then I forgot what I was going to say.

  "Okay, this is a real question. Number three: Do you often forget what happened while you were partying?"

  "No," I said.

  "What!" Megan and Rafa shouted in unison.

  Megan gave me the look. "You are such a liar."

  This was getting all confusing. Megan
had her hands on her hips. "You had to watch videos to find out what you said at the rally." She sounded far away.

  Smell of bacon. Bacon and eggs. Eyes glued shut. Maybe they'll open in a minute. People talking. Rafa. Now Megan.

  Eye popped open. First one, then the other.

  "You slut," Rafa said in a complimentary way.

  "You're only a slut if people know," Megan argued.

  "Ohmygod." My mouth barely moved. "You had sex."

  "Well what do you know," Megan said. "It's alive."

  Rafa, the kind one, came over and helped me sit up. "Would you like some breakfast?" Rafa asked. "Megan ordered room service."

  "Part of your diva training?" I scanned the room. "My mouth feels like a desert. Death Valley, to be exact."

  "What do you want?" Rafa said. "I'll get it for you."

  "Water. God I love you right now." I made my way to the table and Rafa brought a glass of ice water. The ice gave me a headache as the water quenched my thirst. I watched them talk and eat, but I didn't participate. I figured they were lucky I was sitting there at all.

  "Abby, did you even hear me?" Megan said.

  "Huh?"

  "I ordered this for you." She was pointing at some things on the table. "It's what my mother drinks to cure her hangovers." Megan pushed a large glass of tomato juice closer to me and set a bottle of Worcestershire sauce next to it. "Oh, and this." She plopped a bottle of hot sauce next to it.

  I stared.

  "God you're pathetic." Megan shook some hot sauce in the tomato juice and then added a few dribbles of Worcestershire sauce.

  Rafa picked up a spoon and stirred.

  "Oh, and black pepper." Megan sprinkled some in, while Rafa kept stirring.

  "You want me to drink this?"

  "Mom stirs it with a big stalk of celery, but the room service people said they didn't serve celery for breakfast."

  I smelled it. My body didn't scream for me to reject it, so I took a sip. "Not bad," I said and took another swallow. "It's actually good."

  "It's a virgin Bloody Mary," Megan said.

  "A virgin?" I said. "Like a drink without alcohol?"

  "It normally has vodka in it, but my mom drinks the virgins for breakfast."

  My brain tried to process that, but it couldn't. I took another swallow to make room for the vodka I was going to add later when I could stand up. Finally, I made eye contact with them. "I think it's working."

  About an hour later, Megan got in the shower. Rafa had already showered; I could tell by the stiff hair gel lines in his black hair. The no-longer-a-virgin Bloody Mary had kicked in and I was finally able to put a coherent sentence together. I ordered breakfast and turned up the music.

  When Megan got out of the shower and opened the door to let the steam out, I was eating a stack of pancakes soaked in butter and drenched in maple syrup.

  "What are we doing today?" Megan asked. "I vote for hanging out at the beach."

  "The water park," Rafa said.

  I swallowed a mouthful of pancake. "Parasailing."

  Megan rolled her eyes. "I'm not doing that."

  Rafa picked up the brochure. "Looks dangerous."

  "Hey, you're supposed to be on my side," I said to Rafa.

  "It's settled then," Megan said, "we'll go hang out at the beach and figure out what we want to do from there."

  "No, we'll go parasailing and figure it out."

  "No, no." Rafa was laughing. "We'll go to the water park and from there we'll know exactly what to do."

  Rafa was so cute. He made me smile.

  "I bet the big, bad, beer bong boys are basking bare butted on the beach," Megan said. Betcha can't say that ten times!

  Rafa's face lit up. "I bet the big, bad, beach bong boys-"

  Megan had a silly laugh, like a xylophone going up. "Nice try, diva number two."

  "Those guys were geeky." I tried to remember their names.

  "They were funny!" Rafa said, and then his voice dropped. "-until you got too drunk. That was not fun."

  Okay, awkward silence. "I'm sorry," I said, and I truly meant it. "I'll pay more attention to how much I'm drinking."

  Megan studied my face. "No worries," she said. "It's spring break."

  "Look!" Rafa pointed at the brochure. "The parasailing is on the beach."

  "Looks like we're going to the beach," I said.

  "Yes!" Megan beamed.

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