Your Turn to Suffer

by Tim Waggoner

  “The beetles,” Lori said.

  Edgar nodded.

  “This’ll probably sound stupid since I’m an exterminator, but I’ve always hated insects. Damn things creep me out big time. Maybe that’s why I chose to make a living killing them, I suppose. The beetles – big black ones like none I’d ever seen before – crawled all over me, taking little bites out of my flesh. Not enough to kill me, but it hurt like a motherfucker.”

  In the dim glow of the dashboard lights, she could see small scars and pockmarks on his face, neck, arms, and hands. She tried to imagine the pain he must’ve experienced, and she was glad she couldn’t.

  “I tried to knock them off me, tried to crush them with my hands, stomp on them, but there were so many. Too many to kill them all. I bled from dozens of wounds, dozens upon dozens, and of course the beetles triggered my phobia, and I was terrified as well as in pain. I screamed myself hoarse, and I kept screaming after that, except it came out as a sort of whispery rasp. I started talking to the beetles then. Guess I’d kind of lost my mind a little. I begged them to stop hurting me, told them they could have anything they wanted if they just left me alone – or better yet, helped me escape the tower. They told me they would. For a price.”

  She felt a cold heavy weight settle in her stomach.

  “Oh god.”

  He nodded. “They didn’t take my legs right away. First they entered me and rearranged some things inside so they could remain there without killing me. It hurt so bad, I wished they would’ve killed me. When it was over, I lay on the cell floor, barely conscious. When one of the Cabal came to check on me, the beetles flooded out of my mouth and attacked her. I don’t know what sort of powers the Cabal possess, but evidently immunity to flesh-eating beetles isn’t one of them. Once she’d been reduced to a skeleton, the beetles went back inside me, and I hauled ass out of there. The beetles had to kill a couple more Cabal members on the way out, but I made it. There were vehicles in the courtyard. Only a couple looked like regular cars, though. I stole one of them and raced off down the Nightway, pedal to the fucking metal. Eventually, I got lucky and found an exit. I made it back home, and the instant I did, the beetles came out to take what I owed them. They didn’t wait for me to park – goddamn impatient things – and I lost control of the vehicle. I guess I hit a telephone pole. I don’t know. I’d lost consciousness by then. Cops found me, called for an ambulance, and after the docs amputated what was left of my legs – which wasn’t much – I spent a few weeks in the hospital, after which I left with these.”

  He reached down and tapped his right prosthesis. “All in all, it was the best deal I ever made.”

  Lori wondered if she could ever become so desperate that she’d be willing to make such a sacrifice. Based on what the Cabal had done to her so far, she thought she might.

  One thing about Edgar’s story was encouraging, though. It was good to know members of the Cabal – whatever they were – weren’t all-powerful. They could die just like anyone else.

  “How did you end up back here?” she asked. “Did the Cabal bring you back?”

  “Nope. Once you learn to navigate the Nightway on your own, it’s harder for the Cabal to pull you into it themselves. They can, however, keep harassing you in the real world, which is what happened to me. They continued changing people I knew and sending them after me. Finally, I couldn’t stand others getting hurt because of me, and I hopped in my van and started searching for an entrance to the Nightway. It took a while, but eventually I found one. I’ve been driving this road ever since.”

  “Can’t the Cabal find you easier here? After all, this is where they live. You’d think it would be where they’re most powerful.”

  “They’re still after me, all right, but they seem to have a harder time finding me on the Nightway. Don’t know why. Maybe something about the Nightway itself interferes with their senses? Whatever the reason, I’m just grateful for it. Gives me some breathing room, you know?”

  Lori thought of the vibrations she’d felt beneath her bare feet when she’d stood on the Nightway’s surface. If Edgar was right, she’d be safe from the Cabal as long as she kept moving. She doubted things would prove to be that simple in the end, but for now she’d enjoy remaining hidden from the Cabal for however long it lasted.

  “Are you still trying to figure out what you need to confess?” she asked.

  “I’ve mostly given up at this point,” he admitted. “If I run across a new potential avenue of information, I check it out. Otherwise….” He let his voice trail off.

  On one level, it was a comfort to meet someone who’d also had run-ins with the Cabal. But hearing that Edgar had never been able to discover what the Cabal wanted from him made her despair of ever being able to learn what they wanted from her. Would she end up like Edgar, wandering the Nightway for the rest of her life, trying to keep the Cabal from finding her? And what about what he’d said, about how the Cabal had transformed people he knew and set them against him? Had that happened to the people she knew and loved back home? Larry, Justin, Reeny…. The thought made her sick. She had to learn what transgression she’d committed that the Cabal wanted her to confess, then discover what she needed to do to make everything right again – if that was even possible at this point.

  “It may take me a while, but I should be able to find an exit for you,” Edgar said. “It’ll let you out at the same place you left. It’s how they work.” He paused, then added, “Most of the time.”

  They drove on in silence for a time after that, both lost in their own thoughts. Eventually, Lori spoke again. “I hope you don’t take this the wrong way, but why are you helping me? You could be putting yourself in danger by doing so – assuming the Cabal are looking for me.”

  “They are, no doubt about that. And there are other reasons you might be dangerous to me. You could be one of them in disguise or something else pretending to be someone you’re not. Transformation and deception are a way of life on the Nightway. Way of death, too.”

  “So why are you helping me?”

  “I got friends.”

  He opened his mouth and stuck out his tongue, displaying a cluster of beetles clinging to it. He closed his mouth, and when he spoke again, he did so normally. Lori had no idea how he could do so with those insects on his tongue. The thought made her shiver with disgust.

  “After they took their payment from me, they decided to stick around. Don’t know why. Maybe I make a good home for them. Whatever the reason, they’re happy to help me out – especially if there’s a meal in it for them. So I got more protection than most folks who travel this road. I can afford to take a chance on you. Besides, if helping you means I get to fuck over the Cabal, so much the better. I’ll do anything to hurt those bastards.”

  “Anything?”

  He turned to look at her and gave her a frown. “Do you have something in mind?” He sounded half suspicious, half intrigued.

  “You said you searched the Nightway for answers to what the Cabal thinks you did, but so far you haven’t had any luck.”

  “That’s right.”

  “Any place you haven’t tried yet?”

  Edgar didn’t answer right way. He gripped the steering wheel tighter, and she could see conflicting emotions warring on his face.

  “Just one,” he said. “I’ve never been there, but I’ve heard about it from people like us, stranded on the Nightway, running, searching….” He took a deep breath, then said, “They call it the Garden of Anguish.”

  “Sounds like fun,” Lori said. She meant this sarcastically, but Edgar responded as if she was serious.

  “You wouldn’t think so if you went there. There’s no place worse on the Nightway. None.”

  Considering what she’d experienced on the Nightway so far, she thought that was saying something.

  “But it’s a place where I could get the answers I need?”
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  “Yes. But there’s a good chance you wouldn’t survive the asking.”

  “Which is why you never went there?”

  “No. I’ve never gone there because I’m afraid I would survive.”

  Lori didn’t know what to make of his response. But she knew one thing: if her friends and family were in danger from the Cabal, she had to do whatever was necessary to save them.

  “Take me there.”

  He gave her a sideways glance. “You did hear the name, right? The Garden of Anguish?”

  “I did. I still want to go there.”

  He considered for a time, tapping his fingers on the steering wheel nervously and chewing his lower lip. Finally, he said, “Okay. But I’m just going to drop you off. I won’t step into the Garden with you.”

  “Could you wait for me and give me a lift to an exit when I’m finished?”

  “What the hell do you think I am? A goddamn cab driver?” He sighed. “Fine. I’ll wait. And if you survive with enough of your mind intact, I’ll take you to an exit. If you don’t—”

  He broke off, cocked his head as if listening to something only he could hear. A moment later, he turned toward her. “My friends say they’ll be happy to devour you if you live but your mind’s destroyed. They promise to make your end as quick and painless as possible.”

  She felt a cold twist in her gut.

  “Tell them thanks, but I’ll need to think about it.”

  Edgar nodded. A faraway look came into his eyes then, and she thought he was likely delivering her message to his ‘friends’.

  They continued on toward the Garden of Anguish. Lori hoped they’d get there before she could change her mind.

  * * *

  Edgar was right about time passing differently on the Nightway. They could have traveled for days or merely hours. There was no way to tell. She couldn’t check the time on her phone. She’d retrieved it, along with her purse, from her wrecked Civic, but the device wouldn’t work on the Nightway. And since the sky was nothing but unbroken blackness, it seemed like they traveled in an eternal now, where time was frozen and forward movement only an illusion. Time still existed for her body, though, and she became hungry and thirsty. Edgar had some energy bars and bottled water in the back of his van – he said he made supply runs to Earth from time to time – and he offered her some. Later, when she had to pee, he pulled over to the side of the road. He told her not to go very far from the van, and he stood outside with his back to her to keep watch. He didn’t have a gun or anything, but with his friends inside him, he didn’t need any other weapons. The ground felt like hard black sand beneath her feet, and she had to squat to do her business. She was only halfway through when she heard something big and heavy let out a chuffing breath not far from her. Her urine stream cut off instantly, and her head whipped in the direction of the sound. Before she could react further, Edgar opened his mouth and his beetles flew forth. They streaked past Lori toward whatever had made the noise. She couldn’t see it, but she heard it shriek as the beetles fell upon it. There was a loud thud as it hit the ground and began thrashing, trying to dislodge the insects, no doubt, but its actions did no good. Seconds later it fell still, and a couple moments after that, she heard the beetles as they buzzed lazily back toward their host. Whatever that thing out there had been, it was nothing but bones now. She thought she was too shook up to finish peeing, but she did. When she was done, she stood and hurried back to the van.

  “What the fuck was that?” she asked Edgar.

  He cocked his head in the way he did when listening to his friends. He smiled. “They say it was delicious.”

  * * *

  They passed several vehicles as well as a couple structures – one that resembled an upside-down pyramid, another that looked like an arrangement of gigantic crystalline shards floating in the air. She didn’t ask Edgar what these structures were, and he didn’t volunteer the information.

  After a time, Lori said, “What is the Cabal? What do they want from us?”

  “I don’t know for sure,” Edgar said. “I’ve asked around the Nightway, and I get different answers from different people. Some say the Cabal delight in tormenting people, that they feed on our suffering, and that the whole ‘confess and atone’ bit doesn’t mean anything. It’s just a lie to cover their true intentions.”

  “Do you believe that?”

  He shrugged. “Some days I do. Others I don’t. Who the hell can know for sure?”

  The idea that the Cabal tortured their victims solely for the pleasure of it didn’t feel like the right explanation to Lori. Or at least, it wasn’t the complete explanation. The Cabal might enjoy the pain they caused, but during her encounters with them, she’d sensed a driving purpose behind their words and actions. More than that – an urgency – as if there was a vital importance to what they were doing, even if she couldn’t understand it.

  “What else have you heard?”

  “That they’re not real. They’re demons created by the minds of disturbed individuals racked by guilt and shame over something awful that they’ve done.”

  Lori pondered this for a moment. It was an idea that was equally comforting and disturbing. Comforting in the sense that if the Cabal was a projection of her own subconscious, then that meant it could be possible for her to exert control over them somehow. But it also meant that she was, on some level at least, insane. Still, this explanation didn’t make sense to her. Her mind wasn’t more powerful than any other person’s. She was smart, but she was no genius, and it wasn’t like she had psychic powers or anything. How could she create actual living beings? No, more likely the Cabal and the Shadowkin were realistic illusions. And if so, did that mean the Nightway was an illusion, too? That Edgar was? Was she in reality lying in a bed in some mental hospital imagining all this? The last scenario seemed the most realistic of those she’d considered so far, but it still didn’t feel right. Or maybe she simply didn’t want to believe it. Who would?

  “There’s one other explanation I’ve heard,” Edgar said. “It’s kind of out there, though.”

  Lori laughed. “Like the others are more believable?”

  He gave her a sideways glance, smiled. “True. Well, some say the Cabal’s purpose is to maintain the Balance.”

  She frowned. “The balance between what?”

  “Between what we think of as the real world and what’s called Shadow.”

  “Like in Shadowkin?” she asked.

  He nodded. “Each moment of time is like an entire separate universe. As one moment gives way to a new one, the old moment begins to die. The dark energy produced by these deaths creates a realm all its own. It’s like….” He paused, considering. “Like part of a shoreline being eroded and falling into the ocean. Except in this case, it’s the falling that creates the ocean. Does that make sense?”

  “Not really,” she admitted. “But go on.”

  “Some creatures thrive in Shadow, whether they’re things born there or people who can sense it and move back and forth between it and the real world. The creatures native to Shadow feed on the death of all those moments in time that create their world. They break it down, and process it so it can then go on to feed the Gyre. They kind of pre-digest its food for it. The Shadowkin are such creatures. They’re ravenous, mindless things.” He tapped his chest. “Not all that different from insects in a lot of ways.”

  Lori wanted to ask him what the Gyre was, but she didn’t want to stray too far from what she really needed to know. “So why do the Shadowkin seem so drawn to me?”

  He shrugged. “That I don’t know.”

  “Okay, then can you tell me how the Cabal figures into all of this?”

  “The creatures natural to Shadow can be greedy. Their hunger is never sated, and they try to find their way into the real world to feed on it. Destroying it, breaking it down. The Cabal exists to make sure
that doesn’t happen. They work to keep Shadow and the real world separate as much as possible, although even with all their efforts, there are still some places where the worlds intersect.”

  “What about the Nightway?”

  “It’s connected to both Shadow and the real world. And to neither. Basically, it’s its own thing.”

  That didn’t make any sense to her, but she decided to let it go. “So what you’re saying is that, according to this explanation, the Cabal are really the good guys?” She couldn’t keep the disbelief out of her voice.

  “I wouldn’t go that far. I don’t think they give much of a damn for either world or the beings that inhabit them. All they care about is the Balance, and they’ll do whatever is necessary to maintain it, without any concern for who they might hurt in the process. They’re like sociopathic doctors who don’t give a shit about their patients, only about solving medical problems.”

  “So if this explanation is true, that means the Cabal thinks we’ve both done something to upset the Balance between Shadow and the real world?

  “Or at least threaten it,” Edgar said.

  She mulled this over for a time. If the Cabal were like doctors, it would make sense why they were so enigmatic in how they went about their work. They’d be like surgeons, operating very carefully, in limited, controlled ways, so they could fix a problem without causing additional damage. It was a concept she was well familiar with as a physical therapist. Therapy needed to be specifically targeted to a client’s needs, without making their condition worse or causing any new problems.

  So the Cabal are basically the PTs of the universe, she thought, and despite the situation, the notion made her smile. “So if we can figure out what we did to screw up the Balance….” she began.

  “We can confess and, more importantly, atone,” Edgar said. “Easier said than done, though. I’ve been trying to figure out what the hell I did for years, and so far, I haven’t had much luck.”