Towards a Dark Horizon

by Maureen Reynolds

  Later that evening, Lily came bounding through the door while Margot stood at the door. For a moment, I thought she was maybe afraid of catching something infectious from me but maybe I was being uncharitable. If I was back to thinking these thoughts, then I was truly back in the land of the living – that was for sure.

  Margot was as beautifully dressed as usual with a tweed suit and a fox fur around her neck. She said, ‘This is just a quick visit, Ann. We’ll come again another day.’

  Lily snuggled down on the bed and whispered in my ear. As a whisper went it had all the soaring qualities of a true stage whisper. ‘I want to stay here with you, Ann, now that you’re better.’

  Margot glared at her and went to pull her off the bed. Lily dived under the quilt and refused to budge. Margot pulled her out roughly and, although I tried to protest, my words came out with a croak.

  ‘Look what you’ve done now, Lily! You’ve upset your sister.’

  Lily began to cry and I put a weak arm around her shaking body. I whispered softly to her, ‘It won’t be long till I get better, Lily, so go with Margot just now and I’ll get you back home very soon – believe me.’

  She gazed at me with her dark solemn eyes then climbed off the bed. ‘Will it be less than a week, Ann, before I come back here?’ she said, her voice still full of sobs.

  ‘Aye, it will – just as soon as I get stronger, Lily.’

  On that promise, they departed. I wished I could have kept Lily with me but I was in no position to do so at the moment.

  Granny popped her head around the door. ‘It’s certainly your day for visitors, Ann. Do you feel like seeing Connie for a few moments?’

  I nodded and Connie appeared with Davie. He was carrying a bunch of flowers wrapped in a newspaper and he looked worried.

  Connie sat on the chair by the bed. ‘Well, young lassie, what a fright you gave us all. Lying at death’s door like that.’

  I was alarmed. ‘Death’s door Connie?’

  ‘Aye, it was touch and go for a while but you’re on the road to recovery and that’s a blessing.’

  She pointed to Davie who was standing behind her. ‘The laddie here wanted to bring you some flowers.’

  Davie blushed as he handed them over. ‘It’s just a wee thank you from Mum and me. I got them from a neighbour who has an allotment at the foot of the Law hill.’

  ‘Thank you, Davie, they’re lovely.’

  Granny took the flowers and returned with them in a vase which she placed on the chest of drawers.

  ‘There, now,’ she said, ‘that’ll cheer you up.’

  Connie laid a pile of magazines on the bed. ‘Something for you to read if you feel up to it.’

  I was worried. ‘Connie … about my job …’

  She took my hand. ‘I don’t want to hear another word about that. I’ll see you back at the shop when you’re feeling better and not before. No doubt your granny will tell you when that is.’

  Granny nodded grimly. ‘Aye, I will and it’ll not be for a while yet.’

  After Connie and Davie left, I said to Granny, ‘I would like Lily to come back here as soon as possible. I don’t think she’s happy with Margot.’

  ‘I’ll speak to your dad about it, Ann, and tell him what you’ve said – see what he says.’ She stopped and smoothed out my quilt. I knew she was angry about something. ‘If I had been quicker off the mark when you took ill, I could have got Lily safely under my roof but your grandad and I were so worried about you when we found you lying almost dead on the bed … well, Lily was forgotten. Then I heard that Margot had gone to the school to pick her up and she’s been there ever since.’

  Hearing this made me wish I had the energy to go to Victoria Road and take Lily back home with me but I still felt so very tired.

  Dad appeared later that night on his own.

  I was upset. ‘Did you not bring Lily with you?’

  ‘No, she’s getting her hair washed. Margot likes to do the cleaning on a Saturday which is tomorrow and she likes to get the hair washing and the bath done the night before.’

  I was suddenly overcome with sadness at Dad’s statement. In all the time I had known him this was the first time I had heard him describe cleaning and washing so succinctly. Margot had certainly trained him in her own mould. Another thing struck me. If the next day was Saturday, how long had I been ill for? I tried to think and another feeling of tiredness washed over me but I was determined to ask about Lily.

  ‘I want her here, Dad, and not with you and Margot. She’s my responsibility.’

  He made soothing noises. ‘You have to get your strength back, for heaven’s sake, and not get yourself in a tizzy over your sister – especially when she’s fine and enjoying herself with us.’

  For some reason this statement upset me and I felt choked up with tears. Was I jealous? I wondered.

  He looked sheepish. ‘There’s just the one thing bothering Margot about Lily. She needs shoes and some more clothes and she was wondering if you had the money for them.’ He gazed at his hands as he said this and I was too tired to argue. ‘To be truthful, she eats like a wee horse and my wages are not enough for us all.’

  If my mind had been more alert I would have argued with him. If his wages had been enough for the three of us before his marriage why weren’t they enough now? But I was weary and longing to close my eyes again – to drift off into a deep sleep. ‘If you look in the tin box on the mantelpiece you’ll find money. Take what you need.’

  Then Granny came in with Greg. He was carrying a small suitcase. Dad went out and I was reminded of a small weather house that Mrs Barrie had in her garden – the one where the woman went in as the man went out and vice versa. Granny bustled around for a few moments and then she left.

  Greg held my hand. ‘I have to leave soon, Ann, as I have to be back to work tomorrow but I’ll be back next week – I’ve asked for a week’s holiday.’ He stopped and gave me a serious look. ‘When you get better, Ann, let’s get married and I’ll ask for my old job back here. Then we can be together with Lily. Mind you, your dad says she is very happy living with them.’

  Another pang of pain – or was it jealousy?

  He continued, ‘We all thought we had lost you last week and I don’t want to lose you again. Will you say yes?’

  ‘Of course I’ll say yes, Greg.’ I tried to sound happy. ‘But just give me a bit longer to get my strength back and then we’ll make our plans.’

  All this speaking and planning plus all the visitors had really tired me out and I lay back on my pillow. Greg lingered for a few more minutes then he reluctantly said goodbye.

  ‘Till the end of next week, Ann. I’ll see you then.’

  I tried to raise my hand but it felt like a dead weight.

  But, as it turned out, Greg wasn’t my last visitor. The sun was setting and the room was growing dim when Danny arrived with Maddie. I thought I was dreaming but they were both standing there as large as life and they were both beaming. Maddie came so close that I could smell the carbolic soap from her hands. Danny stood at the bottom of the bed and, although he looked tired, there was a strange glowing look about him.

  After the usual sentiments about my health, Maddie almost shivered with excitement. ‘Ann, we have something to tell you. Danny and I are engaged again and we’re to be married later this year – after my final exams. Isn’t it wonderful?’

  I smiled. ‘Maddie, that’s great news.’ I looked at Danny and he winked at me.

  Maddie went on, ‘I know it’s a terrible thing to say but it was your illness that brought us both together again. We both sat through the night with you to let your granny get a rest and we got talking. Danny told me about his father and somehow it all seems so silly and so far away now.’

  I was perplexed. ‘You sat up all night with me. Was I really as ill as that?’

  Their faces clouded over. Maddie said quietly, ‘Yes, Ann, you were. I got Mum’s doctor to come to see you and he said the fever would eithe
r break or it wouldn’t. Thankfully, it did and you’re here to tell the tale.’

  ‘A doctor?’ I said weakly. ‘What did he look like?’

  Maddie was surprised by my question. ‘Doctor White is middle aged, thin with a long gaunt-looking face and very bony hands.’ She was still uncertain of my question but she had just described the man in my dream.

  After they left I had a sudden thought – I hoped that Dad hadn’t taken all the money from the tin. I had put the money, minus the amount Lily and I had spent in the grocer’s shop, there and I knew I would need this money to keep us when Lily came home. Then, as I was falling asleep, I suddenly wondered what had happened to Lily’s new shoes that I had bought for her a mere month ago.

  11

  I was getting better each day and was now able to get out of bed and limp into the kitchen to see Granny. It upset me to see her work so hard.

  One day, I asked her, ‘Who’s looking after Grandad when you’re here with me?’

  She placed a rug around my knees and patted the cushions. ‘Now you’re not to worry about him because Alice and Rosie are looking after him.’

  On the following Monday morning, Greg appeared. He was on a week’s holiday but he was minus his suitcase. He explained, ‘I’ve got lodgings with my ex-landlady in Victoria Road.’ He laughed. ‘She’s still an old dragon but her cooking makes up for it.’

  Granny looked amused. ‘Well, they do say that the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach so you better get your skates on, Ann.’

  She then took advantage of Greg’s visit to go to the Overgate to see Grandad.

  After she left, Greg became serious. ‘I’ve got the loan of my friend’s old motorbike. Do you remember it, Ann?’

  Did I remember it? It broke down on our very first time on it and we had to get the bus back home. I smiled.

  He went on. ‘I thought I would pay a quick visit to see my parents later in the week but if you would like to come with me we could catch a train or a bus.’ He looked at me eagerly and his face fell when I said I didn’t feel well enough for the trip. ‘I thought not,’ he said. ‘It would have been a trip out for you, Ann, but I know you’re not back to normal yet.’

  ‘Although I feel better every day, Greg, I still feel a bit weak and my legs are still wobbly.’

  He nodded then changed the subject. ‘It’s good news about Maddie and Danny, isn’t it?’

  I laughed. ‘And it’s my fault I believe. They got back together when they sat up through the night with this old invalid. Still, I hope they plan the wedding as soon as her exams are over. I don’t want any more hitches in that relationship.’

  ‘We must think seriously about our own wedding some time.’

  Again that flush of weariness came over me but I tried to ignore it. I always seemed to get this feeling when faced by a decision these days.

  ‘We’ll have to wait till their wedding is over because two weddings at once will be too much.’

  ‘As I said, Ann, I’m hoping to get a transfer back to the library here but my boss said it will take some time.’

  Time – there was that word again. Greg and I never seemed to have time to see one another let alone plan a wedding.

  We heard Granny’s step in the kitchen and she stuck her head around the door.

  ‘What would you like for your tea, Ann? A boiled egg or scrambled egg?’

  I wasn’t feeling hungry but I didn’t dare tell her that. She was trying her best to build up my strength.

  ‘It doesn’t matter, Granny – just make whatever you want.’

  She looked at Greg. ‘What would you like, Greg?’

  He stood up. ‘Nothing, thank you, Mrs Neill, I have to go – my old dragon is very fussy about mealtimes. If I’m not sitting at the table on the dot then she goes in a huff.’

  I called after him as he left, ‘When you see your parents, tell them I’m asking for them and I hope to see them sometime soon.’

  By the end of the week, I was feeling almost normal again although I still needed a rest in my bed every afternoon. But I was back on my feet and looking forward to going back to work.

  The days had flown by in with Greg’s company and we planned a visit to his parents as soon as I felt up to it. Then, one day, to my delight, he produced a lovely ring with a red ruby and pearl twist. It fitted like a glove.

  ‘Now we’re finally engaged,’ he said. ‘I didn’t mention it to my parents as I thought we could announce it together. They were very sorry to hear how ill you’ve been.’

  ‘How did you manage to get a ring that fitted so well?’

  He looked a bit sheepish. ‘Your granny gave me an old ring you’ve had for years and I asked the jeweller to match the size. Do you like it?’

  I was over the moon with it. ‘Oh, Greg, it’s beautiful!’ I twisted my finger around to let the ruby catch the light. It twinkled like a burst of red stars.

  Then Granny came in and wished us a happy future.

  I said, ‘It’ll not be for a while yet, Granny, as we want to wait till after Maddie and Danny’s wedding. We don’t want to steal their show so we’re keeping it a secret for the time being.’

  She looked at Greg but he merely shrugged his shoulders as if to say it wasn’t his decision. She became quite stern. ‘Now I know you, Ann, you’re thinking about Lily but she’s settled with Margot and your Dad. Let her live with them and get on with your own life.’

  I was stricken. ‘Oh, no, Granny, we want her to live with us. I would never forgive myself if I let her down now because I promised her I would always look after her.’

  So it was on this note that Greg returned to Glasgow. We would keep our engagement a secret until he returned to work in Dundee – whenever that would be.

  Before he had left the house on that last day I had overheard Granny telling him, ‘You’ll have to make her understand that she’s entitled to her own happiness. She’s taken on the whole burden of her family since her mother died and now she can’t let go of the reins.’ If Greg answered, I didn’t hear him.

  Was that what I had become? Someone who couldn’t let go of the past? I knew Granny meant well but I had solemnly promised Lily that we would be together till she grew up and I wasn’t going to let her down.

  One bit of good news was that I had seen Connie and I was planning to start work again the following week. I had also checked the tin and I saw that Dad had taken twenty pounds. Surely if Lily needed new clothes and shoes, they couldn’t possibly come to that sum? Never mind, I thought, I’ve still got twenty-seven pounds left.

  I had told Granny to take money for my food but she had refused. ‘If I can’t feed my granddaughter without taking money for it, then I shouldn’t be doing it.’

  I made my plans for the following week. As soon as I started work, I would have Lily back with me. I had my money to tide us over and I felt a great deal better than I had done in a long time.

  Because I was feeling so well, Granny spent some time at her own house and only came to spend the night with me. I tried to tell her this wasn’t necessary but I think she was afraid I would have a relapse. I learned later that she had been the one who had found me when I was ill and she almost fainted on the spot because she thought I had died – poor Granny.

  I gazed at the engagement ring on my finger. I would tell Lily but swear her to secrecy.

  I was having my afternoon nap when Lily bounced in from school. Margot was with her and I made a conscious effort to like her. Maybe I was wrong about her and she certainly always made sure she met Lily from the school. I was grateful for that.

  Lily jumped on the bed as usual. She planted a huge wet kiss on my cheek. ‘Ann, can I come and stay the night with you?’

  I glanced at Margot but she didn’t seem to hear. She said, ‘Can I have a glass of water? I feel parched.’

  Lily watched her go and then she turned her small face to me. She looked serious. ‘Ann, I want to come back here to live.’

  I hugged her.
‘Of course you’ll be coming back here but I’ll have to have a word with Margot and Dad about it. But never mind that just now – just tell me what the bed settee is like,’ I said, making it sound as if it had come from a far distant planet.

  She giggled. ‘Och, it’s awful. You can feel the springs through the sheets and it’s not squashy like this bed. I can almost disappear in this bed.’ She threw herself on to the other side. ‘See what I mean? I bet you can’t see me!’

  ‘Can you keep a secret, Lily?’

  Her eyes were as large as dark moons. ‘A secret?’ she whispered.

  ‘Aye, if I tell you something, will you promise not to tell a soul?’

  She nodded her head violently. ‘I promise.’

  ‘Well, Greg and I have just got engaged, Lily, and we want you to be a flower girl at our wedding. Mind you, it’s not for a while yet because we don’t want to get married before Maddie and Danny.’

  ‘I promise I’ll not say a word, Ann. Will I be living with you when you get married?’

  ‘Aye, you will, Lily – cross my heart.’

  I showed her the ring and she gasped. ‘It’s the bonniest ring I’ve ever see, Ann.’

  Then Margot reappeared. ‘Time to go, Lily, and get the tea on.’

  She was reluctant to leave but I gave her a gentle push. ‘Mind what I told you,’ I whispered.

  She nodded and then set off with her stepmother, not looking very pleased about it either.

  It was a few days later when I got the letter from Jean Peters. She wanted to meet me in our teashop in town that day.

  I had no choice but to go. She was waiting for me under the clock at the foot of Reform Street. When she saw me she looked surprised.

  ‘Heavens, you’ve lost a lot of weight, Ann. Have you been ill?’

  I told her the story and she was annoyed with herself for dragging me out. ‘I never gave it a thought. I just wanted to see you.’

  ‘Don’t worry about it, Jean. I feel so much better now and the trip into town has done me the world of good.’

  We set off for our favourite teashop but to our amazement it was packed with customers.

  Jean remarked, ‘It’s not often this place is packed like this.’ Then she said, ‘I know why the town is so busy – it’s market day and the farmers will be in most of the cafes and restaurants.’