The Surgeon and the Cowgirl (Harlequin American Romance)

by Heidi Hormel

  His lips landed on hers with more force than he’d intended, but she accepted him, opening to him. He wanted to cherish her and, at the same time, take her right there on the kitchen floor.

  When they finally broke the kiss, Payson felt the fragile bond that had been growing between them strengthen. Their new connection gave them each enough room to be themselves, to do what they needed to make themselves happy while supporting each other

  She gave him another squeeze, burying her face in his neck, whispering, “Spence was right. They were bluffing. You’re not going to Philly. They just said that to scare me.”

  Payson froze. Philadelphia. How had the hospital known about that? More importantly, what was he going to do? He’d accepted the offer right after the reopening, when he thought nothing was left between him and Jessie. Then they’d been so busy saving Hope’s Ride and being together that he hadn’t wanted to ruin it. He’d been vacillating about Philadelphia all week, on the brink of calling to tell them that he’d changed his mind.

  “What?” Jessie asked.

  Payson pulled away slowly feeling the heat of her leave him and the cold dread grow. She’d never understand why he’d made his decision and why he hadn’t told her because all of his excuses were stupid, stupid, stupid. He raked his fingers through his hair, trying come up with a way to explain this all to Jessie, to keep her from being hurt and walking away.

  “You are going there. I can see it on your face.” Jessie whirled away. “I was so sure you’d changed. I should have known an Appaloosa can’t change his spots.” Now, she turned back and the green eyes were bright with anger and the hurt that he dreaded seeing there.

  “I said yes before we...” He stumbled to stop.

  “Before we what? Before we had sex? Before you used me to—”

  “I never used you.”

  “When were you going to tell me you were leaving? After the moving company showed up?”

  “Everything happened so fast. I didn’t have a chance to tell you or anyone. Spence doesn’t even know. Jessie, I thought—”

  “You thought it would be best to just run away, to leave all of these children who love Dr. Mac. To leave me.” A sob escaped from between her tightly sealed lips.

  “None of you needed me. There are other doctors in the Valley, and you definitely never needed me and certainly don’t now. The hospital was clear that there was no promotion for me here. The hospital in Philly called and offered me everything that I had been working for. A chance to try new techniques and make a difference for even more children. It was a chance of a lifetime. I couldn’t turn it down, plus we hadn’t—”

  “How can I compete against that?” Jessie asked quietly. Her shoulders slumped, and her usually confident voice broke as she said, “Go. You need to go now...and not come back.”

  “But Jessie, I’ll tell Philly I changed my mind.”

  “No. Absolutely not. I don’t want you resenting me again.”

  “I never resented you.”

  “Payson, we’re not reliving our marriage. We’re divorced. You’re no longer a part of my life, and it needs to stay that way. Go.” Her voice had risen and her face whitened.

  He wanted to shake her until she understood and took it all back.

  “Get out!” she yelled, pushing at him.

  He allowed himself to be pushed. “Jessie,” he said softly when he stood in the doorway. “You were the reason that I could take care of my patients, that I got through medical school. When you left me, I thought that I’d never help another child.”

  “Funny,” she said with a gasping cry. “When you signed the divorce papers, you said, ‘Now, I’ll have the time to be a real surgeon.’” Jessie stepped back into the house and closed the door on him.

  Payson walked to his Range Rover, not feeling the ground and not seeing the spectacular Arizona sunset. He could only feel the jagged place in his chest, reliving Jessie telling him that he had to go, that once again he’d come up short and she didn’t want him.

  Chapter Seventeen

  “Molly, stop,” Jessie barked. The pony laid back her ears and showed her teeth. “Don’t you dare, unless you want to be on hay-only rations for the next week.”

  Molly stomped her hoof before she slowly went into the stall. The pony didn’t press Jessie’s patience. Her temper had shortened so much, even Lavonda barely spoke with her. Jessie blamed the stress of Desert Valley dropping the program and Arizona General dragging its feet. Between the two, the future of Hope’s Ride remained precarious, despite the fund-raising and the increasing number of youngsters wanting to sign up.

  Jessie’d also had calls from people who wanted to study her ranch so they could open similar programs. She hadn’t decided exactly how to deal with that and had referred them to the certificate program she’d taken. Right now, about all she could do was get up and paste on her rodeo smile.

  Today had started out badly. Molly had helped the other horses escape, which meant lessons started late. The changed routine had made the children whiny and unfocused. Then Spence called and said that Arizona General had put off its decision again. The final cherry on the crappy day had been Alex babbling about Dr. Mac. She’d barked at him to be quiet, and now her stomach dropped as she remembered how the little boy’s face crumpled into tears. How would she ever make it up to him? Let him feed Molly her gummy treats the next time he came out, if he came again?

  “Oof.” Molly’s head smacked Jessie in the middle of the back, making her stumble. She came down hard on her bad knee, which immediately buckled, and she landed in a fresh pile of road apples.

  “Damn it!” she shouted. She couldn’t stop the tears that streaked down her face as she sat in the stall in a pile of manure that stupidly reminded her of Payson. How pathetic. Road apples. That was what she’d told him so many years ago, what they’d laughed about as she’d told Alex the same story.

  Warm, grassy breath blew across her cheek as Molly nuzzled her. She hugged the pony hard and then the usually bad-tempered Bull gently laid his muzzle on her head. Tears leaked from her eyes even with the horsey comfort. She couldn’t find that safe place again, where she could care about the children and the program but not think about Payson and not remember when she’d been part of an “us.”

  Jessie felt as wrung out and limp as a tortilla. She pushed herself to her feet, swaying a little. Had she eaten today? Had anything to drink? Probably. She usually ate with the children and volunteers. No. Today she’d made phone calls over lunch, and she’d gotten up too late for breakfast. That was why she was weepy, low blood sugar. She never cried—well, hardly ever.

  Jessie walked out of the stall and double-checked the lock. She limped to the house. Dang. Her jeans were caked with filth. She stood on the back porch and stripped them off. Standing in the near dark in her shirt and panties, she figured that if her life were like one of those movies her sister had watched incessantly when they were teens, then right about now Payson would show up. But he didn’t. He wouldn’t.

  She sighed and went into the quiet house. Before she’d called Payson and he’d come back into her life, she’d liked her house, had even enjoyed the quiet at the end of a long, noisy day. Now, her home echoed. She didn’t want to be alone. She wanted to share her life...with Payson.

  She turned on every light in the kitchen and then opened the fridge. Getting herself supper would make everything better. Or it might if she actually had any food. She didn’t even have a beer. She grabbed the nearly empty jar of salsa and rummaged in the cupboard for an almost-fresh bag of tortilla chips. She brought these to the bedroom, turning on more lights. She sat her dinner on her dresser and dunked a couple of chips in the jar before stripping completely naked so she could head to the shower. She’d been none too fresh before sitting down in the manure. Now, eau de barn clung to her. She’d have a quick shower then watc
h TV till she fell asleep. The couch doubled as her bed pretty regularly now. Just do, don’t think, she told herself sternly and headed to the bathroom to clean up.

  * * *

  HAIR DAMP, AND COMFY in a T-shirt and cut-off sweatpants, Jessie sat on the couch with the crumbs in the chip bag and an ice pack on her knee. She’d been standing too many hours even before Molly had pushed her. She’d asked too much of the abused joint, but aspirin and ice took care of most of it.

  She aimed the remote control at the TV and flicked through stations. Nothing caught her attention, and she wanted her attention caught. Anything to keep her brain occupied. She couldn’t even call Lavonda. Her sister had actually moved from agreeing with every one of Jessie’s complaints about Payson to something like cutting the guy a break.

  Plus, if Jessie talked with anyone right now, she wouldn’t be able to hide how upset she was. Tears hovered, ready to drip down her cheeks if she let her guard down. She’d already cried in the shower. Think of something else. Find a rodeo to watch. Except there weren’t any rodeos and she didn’t care about redecorating her house on a budget. How much longer could she go on like this?

  She stared at her phone, not sure if she wanted it to ring and display Payson’s number or if she wanted to pick it up and call him. Could she live in Philadelphia? Not that he’d asked her. But Pennsylvania had farmland. It wouldn’t be so different. She and Payson could get a place, and they could commute to their jobs—she to a farm and he to the hospital. Was that what she really wanted?

  She sat up, staring blindly at the TV. It would mean giving up Hope’s Ride, exchanging his dream for hers, for everything she’d worked to save. She sucked in a shaky breath. Was she saying that she wanted Payson, that he was more important than the children? No. She couldn’t do that. Her jaw ached with holding back the sobs. This was it. She had to give up on the fantasy of making a relationship with him work or she’d be an even bigger mess.

  She lay back on the couch, staring at the ceiling, running through all of the reasons that going forward on her own would be just fine. She’d done it for three years. Darn that little voice that said “fine” hadn’t really been all that great. She’d ached at night for Payson and had remembered their happiness at odd times throughout the day. But if she concentrated on the children and Hope’s Ride, they would fill every corner of her heart and brain. Sure, that nasty inner voice taunted, but is that enough? Was it ever enough?

  Jessie jumped up, wanting to run away from the voice, from the truth. It was Payson, had always been Payson. Even as she’d built a new life, had she secretly been waiting for him to come back? Was that why she’d started the program? Not because rodeoing was over for her or in memory of their baby, but because it was a connection to him?

  She stopped breathing. The truth, Jessie. Tell yourself the truth. She loved Payson forever and always.

  * * *

  PAYSON GLANCED AT the clock over the stove when he heard the doorbell ring. Past time for anyone to be visiting him, not that he ever had any visitors. Even Spence never just stopped by. He looked through the narrow window beside the door and felt his heart lurch. Jessie stood on his doorstep, her outline blurry in the light from the lamppost. He yanked open the door.

  “What’s happened?” he asked, imagining that one of the students needed his help. No other reason could bring her here to him. He hadn’t thought he’d see her again. He’d sold his condo and Desert Valley had asked him to leave early. His time in Arizona had dwindled down to days.

  Jessie watched him intently. “Can I come in? I need to tell you something.”

  Deep down, he wanted to take her into his arms and kiss her until she said that she...what? Nothing. She’d made her feelings clear. He had to let her go to find her own happiness without him.

  Jessie looked around at the other darkened front doors. She sucked in a deep breath. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have—”

  “Come in here. We don’t need to disturb the neighbors,” he said, reaching out to take her arm.

  She shook off his hand. “No. I’m not ashamed and whoever hears me is fine. I know you’re going to Philadelphia and I understand why. I should have let you explain. I should have stayed and talked with you about it. I mean, the Amish have a lot of horses, so it’s not so different from here. Well, there aren’t Amish in Philadelphia, but they’re not far away. I saw that program about them once. Their horses are a little different. You know they buy—”

  “Stop,” he said. His heart had skipped at least four beats as she spoke. It sounded to him as though she was telling him that she’d move with him. He never would have asked her to give up Hope’s Ride for him. “I wish you well and will send a donation to Hope’s Ride.”

  Jessie stepped forward and stuck her foot over the threshold. “You’re not sending me away until I say this.” Her sage-green eyes glittered. “I don’t want you to leave and I can’t let you go. That means that either I have to fly a whole lot or I need to move to Pennsylvania.” She took a deep breath and locked her gaze on him.

  “What? You’re not making sense. We’re divorced and whatever...well, whatever we had is over, too. I’m going to Philly, and you’re staying here where a cowgirl belongs.”

  “Look,” she said loudly. “Look down.”

  He couldn’t stop himself from glancing down and he couldn’t believe it. His cowgirl had on a pair of horrible green sneakers. “I don’t think they wear boots in the East, do they?” she asked, her voice breaking just a little.

  “I don’t know,” he whispered. He tried to wrap his mind around the idea that Jessie would give up Hope’s Ride, would give up just about everything to come with him. He didn’t resist as she pushed him into his condo. He couldn’t think about anything but those damned sneakers. “I think you can see those from space,” he said, pointing at her feet as his brain kept working.

  Jessie looked down, then smiled up at him. “It was these or pink. You know how I feel about pink. They would probably light my way in the dark, huh?” She turned her foot back and forth to show off the shoe.

  He stopped them both toward the living room. “Jessie, you can’t come to Philly with me,” he said firmly.

  “I can do whatever I want.”

  “I know you can do whatever you want, but I can’t let you...sorry, that’s not what I mean...it’s just that...you’re a cowgirl.” He didn’t know how else to explain it. Jessie belonged here in the desert with her horses, with the scrub, with the heat. She fit.

  “You’re a surgeon and you belong where you’re needed. The children in Philly need you. What is what I want compared to that? Plus, it’s not like horses only live in Arizona or that we can only do Hope’s Ride here. I’ve had calls from people all over, wanting to start up similar programs.”

  He looked again at her bright sneakers, trying to picture Jessie anywhere else. But they were over, done, terminado. They had to be because he couldn’t take losing her again. “Jessie, you’d never be happy there. I understand that and I can’t—”

  Jessie moved so fast he didn’t have a chance to stop her. She locked her lips on his, kissing him deeply, tenderly, fiercely. He didn’t want to respond, but his tongue swept through her mouth, savoring her taste. He groaned in the back of his throat, wrapping his arms around her. How could he leave her? How could he stay? His body didn’t care. Her hands kneaded his shoulders and her mouth softened and opened under him. She held nothing back. Even as her vulnerability scared him, her warmth twined around him, fit him like the missing piece of his life that she was. He bruised her mouth with his kiss. This was the last one, he told himself, and then pushed her away.

  “No,” Jessie said. Her ranch-strong hands grasped his forearm. “I’m not giving up this time. We gave up too easily last time because we didn’t understand what we had. I know now how special we are when we’re together. I’m not giving up o
n that. Philadelphia, Hope’s Ride—all of that is solvable. What isn’t is the hole in my heart when you’re not with me. Even when we’re fighting, when I’m so mad at you I could do you bodily harm, my heart is whole. These last three years, I didn’t know exactly what was wrong. I thought divorcing you would make me feel whole again, would help me get over Violet, that I’d be able to move on. I was wrong.”

  “You were wrong? Jessie, are you saying that you...” Payson began, and stuttered to a stop.

  “I love you,” she said with no hint of doubt. “I never stopped loving you.”

  “Jessie,” he choked out. “I can’t...how?”

  She took both his hands and stood looking at him squarely, her eyes soft. “This is the scariest thing I’ve ever done, but nothing worthwhile is easy. We know that. I can be brave enough for both of us for right now, until you can—”

  He brought her close to him, hugging her so hard that the breath whooshed out of her. “Jessie, Jessie, Jessie.” He swallowed hard and choked out. “It’s too late. We can’t go back.”

  “That’s just stupid,” she said, smacking his chest.

  “I’m committed to Philadelphia. You’re committed to Arizona.”

  “That’s your best argument? It doesn’t even make sense. There are planes. I’ve told you that Hope’s Ride is portable.”

  He let her go and turned away. He turned over what she’d said. His higher-functioning gray matter agreed with her, but that deep-down caveman, living-on-instinct part of his brain yelled at him to run. His gut flipped and he heard Jessie moving. He couldn’t let her touch him again. He hurried to the kitchen.

  “You’re scared,” she said, keeping feet of space between them. Her voice was soft and cajoling, like the one she used with a difficult horse.

  He laughed, short and hard. “I’m not some bronc you’re trying to break.”

  “You’re worse. You’re a scared spitless man.”