She looked in the mirror and knew this was no time to be tough on herself. She didn’t want to feel bad. If she had compromised it was in the past, right now in front of her was a strong, beautiful woman, that was who she was now, not the girl from before. That girl had led her to here, to this moment and she had to thank that girl. As Ethan had said on the row boat that day, it got her to where she is. That past woman of who she was, had got her to Ethan and now she had to let that past go and she would have to talk with Jason and say her truth. She had too, she needed that release. She had to be one with her soul, no more lies, just truth. Just my love she said to herself.
Kali looked in the mirror, looked at her beautiful, green eyes. Sometimes they looked more blue, now they were more greenish, and when she looked at herself she could see how beautiful she was. Her eyes looked sparkling and they glowed, there was a shine that came out of them. She had seen the same glow and shine in Ethan’s eyes. It was love, it was the soul shining through. She saw her beauty and said aloud, “I love you Kali, I love you.”
She was ready to speak her truth, she prayed to her angels to guide her through this experience.
She returned from the bathroom, Jason was standing in the lounge waiting for her.
“Come here,” he said.
Kali looked at him and everything was making sense now. His blatant inability to pick up on her emotions was just adding to her frustration. She couldn’t quite nail it before with what was making her feel almost repulsed by him and it was that. His want, his desire, which was at total opposites to how she was feeling, but he had no idea, and with all the dynamics going on in her life it had been hard to unravel this in the short space of time. But that was why she felt annoyance towards him. Jason noticed her resistance, though was still unaware to how cold she felt towards him.
“I’ve got something to show you, come on in, it’s in the bedroom,” he said.
So be it and they walked over and into the room which was covered in petals and flowers. Jason didn’t say anything, he was impressed with his own behavior. He was not usually romantic, this meant a lot to him. It was his way of showing Kali how he had changed. He just stood there smiling at her. She felt clear within, calm, finally it was her moment to be with her truth and say whatever she felt like, and she was going to. She surrendered to the moment and allowed her heart to speak.
“Jason……they are pretty……I can only give you my truth here, that’s all.”
She paused and looked at Jason who was waiting to hear, he looked like he was going to hear something and for the first time he looked unsure, or he knew what was coming was going to be an unpleasant surprise. He looked insecure.
“It’s over,” she said, “I’m not in love with you. I haven’t been in love with you for a long time. This time away has made me realize this. I don’t want to hurt you, it’s the last thing I want. But I feel stuck, just in the small time of being here with you today, I cannot live like this. I need to leave, I can’t be with you anymore.”
It was quiet for about four seconds, both digesting what had been said.
“I don’t know what to say.”
“Jason…fuck, I’m sorry.”
“I thought this time away was to reflect and become closer, not move apart, not spring a surprise on me like this.”
“I’ve existed on a plateau with you, I really have. I’ve tried over the years to transcend you, me, us and I couldn’t. You couldn’t even understand it, let alone apply it. I’ve wanted to be heard, loved, truly loved and you cannot hear my heart and after a time it starts to bug, it starts to grate, where my essence is screaming for more. You want a bigger house, a promotion, more money and in the process you have lost me…you simply don’t see me. That’s how I’ve been feeling for a long time.”
“What do want me to do?”
“Hear me for once.”
“That’s okay, I can do that, but we need to discuss this. You can’t just have a temper and throw this on me.”
“This is not my temper, it’s my truth. This is how I feel. You could never hear me in the past can you try for this one time, now that I’m leaving?”
He looked at her, almost stunned. The air felt thick, it had become so dense like the heaviness was forming in the air. So few words from Kali to describe a time that they had together, and her feelings of that time, then an outcome that changed the life for Jason in a few seconds.
“I need some fresh air,” she said and she walked past him and out of the room and went outside.
Kali walked outside into the courtyard area and sat on a step. She felt heavy, but also relieved that she had got it out. As she sat there, she really wanted a drink, a coffee, even a cigarette. She had not had a cigarette since she was a teenager. She felt like something to calm her down. Eventually after about four minutes Jason came out. He walked up to her.
“I’m ready to listen to you, Kali. Just tell me what I need to do.”
“Jason…I don’t want to discuss a possibility here, because there’s not one. It’s over and I really need you to accept it.”
Kali then decided to get up and leave and locate that drink somewhere else.
“I’m going to head out and get something to drink, I’ll be back later. Can you make my bed up on the couch?”
“Yeah, okay.”
Kali got up and walked. The release of everything made her feel calm, that awful feeling she had earlier seemed to have gone. She felt much clearer in her emotions. It was a relief to feel that after what she was feeling just moments ago. She turned around as she walked away.
“I’m sorry it’s turned out messy here, I really wanted to just end this in the most peaceful way. But I know there is no easy way with that....I’ll see you later on.
She walked down the driveway onto the street. She pulled the wedding ring off her finger and said, “for you Ethan.” And her heart said, ‘for me too.’
~~~~
After Ethan had dropped Kali off at the airport he drove back into town and caught up with Carl and Christian who were at a park playing baseball. Ethan didn’t really join in, he just sat by the fence and watched as they played their game. He thought it would pick him up to see Christian and Carl but he was feeling a bit flat after saying goodbye to Kali at the airport. Ethan had not felt like this for a while, those flat, sad feelings. He had been so high lately, feeling bliss, peace. He was so high on life and for him to fall back into mediocrity with how he was feeling was a bit numbing. Oh well some people must feel like this all the time. It was a combination of melancholy and heaviness.
He watched Christian, Carl and a couple of other friends playing baseball, hoping somehow that would take away his heavy feelings, but it didn’t. He didn’t want to fight what he was feeling, the emotions were coming up for a reason, so he went into it. He closed his eyes and went within. He went deeply into his core to see what it was. When he went in there, he felt teary eyed and he wanted to cry. The feelings just seemed to say; it was a mix of the high and coming down and having to say goodbye and missing Kali, and the intensity of the love, and her husband, the unknown part there. He took a deep breath. Did he have to be concerned about the husband? And that made him cry. His friends were too far away to see his tears so he allowed them to flow. But that was what he was afraid of, Kali and her husband and the possibility of a connection. But it was so removed from the truth, he knew that, he knew there was no connection between the two, not now, not years ago. It felt good for Ethan to explore and go within as it made him feel more settled and the heaviness started to lift. His heart was telling him it was okay, his mind was in a small panic and sometimes that could happen. The mind could interfere and send negative feelings in. The mind wanted to control and could try and control the feelings through the thoughts. Ethan then laughed to himself, just suddenly at the realization that he was taking it too seriously. The mind always made everything so serious. He just had to accept and be chilled. He was already feeling lighter now so he went off and sto
od next to Christian who was out in the field catching the odd ball that came his way. He just stood next to him chatting about little things. It felt good to just unplug and enjoy the moment and be with this laid back day. After a short while Ethan took off and headed back home.
After making some light dinner, a salad in the fridge and some potato salad left over from a couple of nights back, Ethan went out onto the balcony with his mom and sat outside and enjoyed the breeze that was gently blowing. Ethan had a hoody on with a couple of layers underneath so he felt quite snug. He really wanted to talk to his mom. He had so much going on with Kali and he had to talk to somebody. The need was building up and his mom was someone who could understand and listen.
Elisabeth had a red wine and Ethan a beer. Ethan sat down with his mom and just having a beer in his hand, a view of the sea and most of all being with his mom made him feel the peace within, that was already there just waiting for him to connect to it. They were talking about small matters and laughing about little things. Elisabeth was already on her second glass and was feeling the warmth from that, then she remembered who she had seen today when she happened to walk past Edgeoholic cafe.
“I bumped into Natasha today,” she said.
“Really, did you chat?”
“Yeah, not for too long, she is really special, Ethan. So I can understand why it took you a while to move on from her.”
“Yeah she is. It’s funny, since I’ve met Kali I feel at peace with her.”
“That’s good.”
“I don’t put her in such a bad light now.” Ethan swirled his feet around so he was facing Elisabeth. “She is not malicious, she’s just a person, a girl, a bit crazy sometimes, volatile…but I do respect her for her color and wit, she is never dull and god, she was so beautiful.”
“It’s usually how it happens, you don’t completely let someone go until you meet someone else.”
“Yeah, so true.”
“And how is Kali?”
“Oh mom I’m glad you asked. I needed to talk to someone about that.”
Ethan looked at his mom, she was like a super woman. Sitting there on the balcony chair, her dress flowing around with the wind and her hair doing the same, with a red in hand, her gorgeous home looking over the water and this woman was his protector. No wonder he always felt special, when he had this woman as his guide, his protector. She was like his angel, Bella but in human form. They were like best friends, but Ethan had the extra bonus of her being a special mom as well. She would do anything for Ethan. She once said:
“You are God’s child and I will always protect and love you and help you, always.”
It made Ethan feel so special when she told him that as a child, and that was always how she behaved towards Ethan. He started talking about Kali.
“So Kali is good…but I didn’t tell you, mom but… she is, was married. We met while she was separated. So that’s why she’s gone away for a week, to sort that out and disconnect that past.”
“I knew something like that was there, just the moment when I met her. You know when you get that imprint of someone, that feeling.”
“Yeah.”
“That came up and of course her Beautiful self.”
“So I’m a little angst because she is over there and I’m here. Where is she sleeping? All of those questions go through my head and its getting me down a little.”
“She loves you deeply, Ethan I know that, I could really feel it when I met her...and the way she looks at you.”
When Elisabeth said that it soundly godly, like an angel telling him the truth. “You’ll have to give her space to do this. It’s her stuff, don’t take it on, don’t rescue. Support her which is different. It’s being there for her as a friend, not getting caught up in her stuff. That’s why there is often a struggle with soul mates, one tries to rescue the other, or they go in with the fear of losing the other, and they can just evolve with fear.”
Elisabeth realized her wine was empty and had to go inside to refill.
“Do you want another beer?”
“Yeah thanks.”
Elisabeth went inside and poured herself another red and got Ethan a beer. She came back to Ethan.
“You feel okay now?”
“Yeah I do mom. Thank you for the wise words. You’re super woman!”
They stayed on the balcony until midnight before they went to bed. When his mom had mentioned the word soul mate, it got Ethan talking about his dad and the relationship between Elisabeth and him. Ethan found it interesting to hear how she felt about him, the love they once had, they were so young at the time. Elisabeth told Ethan that you generally meet two soul mates in a lifetime. She had met hers when she was 18, Ethan’s father and it was her first love. She told him the first love was the soul mate, and then later without realizing it you search for that feeling again, but it’s deep, you don’t really know it’s there, but that is what you look for romantically, seeking that old feeling, searching for it again with each new person you meet. It’s buried deep from the first soul mate, the feeling, and all the other romances after the first soul mate are human experiences where you discover what you don’t want, and when you do meet the next soul mate, and it is bigger than the first one, you feel like you have known them from before, another life and you have, but the main feeling is the buried deep one you had, many years ago that you had forgotten, that love from a soul mate, that different vibration and it comes back again when you find the one.
“She’s the one,” she said.
“I know,” Ethan said with a huge smile, “thanks mom.”
Ethan knew a lot but his mom was the ultimate teacher for him. He knew he was destined to become complete in this life with that kind of love and guidance that she unconditionally gave him, and he felt more complete than ever right now. He was at home with his mom, on a pristine night with all the elements reminding him of another home he once had.
~ CHAPTER FOURTEEN ~
BACK TO THE ETHER
Ethan woke up with his mom in his bedroom handing him the cordless phone.
“It’s a girl on the phone for you,” Elisabeth said with a spark in her eye.
Ethan knew it was Kali. He took the phone from his mom, smiled and thanked her.
“Hello Ethan speaking.”
“My darling angel.”
“Ahh it feels good to hear your voice.”
“You too, you sound close, I can hear you really well, like you’re next to me, but I can’t kiss you, but I want too. I want to put my mouth all over you. Did you sleep okay?”
“It was okay, off and on, you know, couldn’t stop thinking about you…just wondering how you and your husband were getting on.”
“Ethan I told Jason last night it was over, so it’s done you can sleep! So it’s ex husband now, thank you.”
“Oh that feels so good, I just couldn’t sleep. I didn’t know where you were, where you were sleeping.”
“I slept on the couch, awake, thinking of you, beautiful you.”
“I shouldn’t have doubted…sorry.”
“Okay when I see you next I’m gonna do bad things to you okay?” They both giggled, “but really nice bad things. I wish you were here, Ethan I miss you already. A week seems too long.”
She was always so sweet to Ethan, always reassuring him, there was so much love. She was strong and Ethan felt that protective feeling that he got from his mother through his whole life, Kali gave him the same secure feeling, he felt protected by Kali.
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