“I love you always and forever,” he whispers softly.
“I love you too forever and always,” I whisper right back.
Leslie and I stay up half the night as I tell her everything. Many tears fell for what I’ve been through as she was there in the past and knew the mess I’d been a few times as she, Liz and Crystal pulled me out of many depressions from the whirlwind love affair that is Danny and me. And I secretly cry for the possibility that like time and time again, I’ll lose him once more.
Chapter Eight
Last night seemed magical almost unreal. Today, I’m back to reality and back to the fact that he has to go see her tomorrow at the mediator. We decide it would be best if we didn’t try to sneak to see each other today. We arrange to talk on the phone later, but we knew it would be for the best if we didn’t try to meet.
My head is so filled with doubts about what will happen. Maybe she will say she will give him another chance. What if he decides for his children’s sake that he needs to go back? I know these are all my realities and I know that I can’t hold him back. I can’t be the reason that his family breaks up. I shouldn’t have let myself get in this place. I just needed last night, needed that one more night. I swore to myself that’s all it was and is. Just one night.
I took a deep breath and picked up the phone. “Liz, hey it’s me, are you seeing Stuart today? Think maybe we can get Dan to go and we go somewhere?”
“Sure…..” sounding very shocked for me bringing the other guy. “What’s with the change of heart?”
“It’s a long story.” I sighed.
“Anywhere specific you want to go?
“Just not the movies, I went last night and would be nice to do something different.”
“Okay, let me check with Stuart and see if Dan is free I will call you back in a bit, sound good?”
“Perfect, I hope Dan is free.”
I know even though Dan will be leaving and my hopes for a future with him didn’t seem too bright, I needed to try hard to avoid the drama that being with Danny causes me. Dan seems happy with just being friends, not looking for a commitment and I needed a friend like him.
I tried so hard to s keep my focus on today and not what happened yesterday, but I just couldn’t. Who am I trying to fool? Somehow, no matter what has happened in the past and what may happen in the future, my heart still holds onto Danny and my hopes for a future with him. I’d gotten good at hiding my feelings so Dan would never have a clue that even though I’m with him the physical sense, my heart is elsewhere, as were my hopes and dreams.
We did have a wonderful evening and were talking easily. He still kept telling me how he wished he knew me before, but we both knew deep down it just wasn’t meant to be. We would always be friends and wished the best for each other. He is getting ready to start a journey in his life and would be leaving soon. There’s no sense in me giving him excess baggage to carry with him. He deserves better than that, better than me and my messed up brain. If there was even the slightest chance I could have Danny back, I knew there’s no way I wouldn’t going to take the leap in the end. I just had to pray that this time was the right time, once and for all.
When our night ended and they dropped me off, Dan gets out of the car and walks me to the door. “Will you write to me if I write you?”
“Of course I will!” I beam at hm.
“I don’t regret meeting you, although it makes leaving seem harder now.”
“I know...you just be safe and who knows what the future holds.” Although I knew deep down, our futures were probably not destined to cross paths again. He’s a really good guy and he deserves someone to fully love him in a way I didn’t believe I could.
He takes me in his arms and held me tight, while placing a simple kiss on my lips. “I will write you as soon as I get settled and I can”
“I will write you back” I smiled.
Then he left. I watch as the car pulls out of my street when I hear a sound behind me.
“I was waiting for him to leave. Why do you look so sad?” Danny asks.
“Not sad really, he’s a nice guy.”
“I am not a nice guy sometimes, I know…I hurt you so many times.”
“Yes, you have, but I still love you.” I know I am taking such a chance here but I just can’t turn my back on him, never could.
“This time it will be always and forever, I promise.”
I feel some anger and some sorrow at this declaration. “Don’t promise something you don’t know. You’re still married and we’re a long way from having a life together. Hell, we can barely even be seen together without someone saying something or making faces at us.”
“Once I get divorced, or at least start the process, then things will get better. You will see.”
“I want to believe you, I really do, but I’m afraid to get my hopes up and be crushed again.”
“I understand...but I want to be with you and I’m going to make it up to you. It will happen we just need to be patient.”
“I’ve been patient but I want a life, I want a future and kids. I better get inside. I don’t want to risk my parents seeing us out here and have to explain. They think I am going to get hurt again.” I also feel there’s a huge chance of that happening. I did have to be honest with myself about that.
“I understand. I will prove to them somehow that I am not going to hurt you again.” He pulls me close and kisses me with such passion that it leaves me breathless.
Of course, it pulls me to a heaven I’ve only ever known with this man. My body shudders with warmth, my breath stops. I feel like I’m suspended in time. There is just him and I—I so wish he could kiss me and hold me forever, because when he does, the world just falls away. How can this be so? I never could seem to put this feeling I have with him for him in a box and label it. The closets I ever get is that I love him. That’s all I got. I will always love him, even if this goes bad and he goes away again. Love gives you no choice.
Oh, how I wanted this to be right, needed this to be right, but still wasn’t sure it would ever be right for us. I am also mad that no other guy could make me feel the things Danny does. As usual, my heart starts speaking again, wanting what it wants. The heart I’ve found is like this, you cannot control it.
Life can be cruel though. It doesn’t listen to anything as it happens. Sometimes, there are things you just cannot control, no matter what you dream or yearn for. And a life with Danny is what I dream of.
Chapter Nine
Today is Liz’s wedding day. Sadly, Dan left and had to miss it. I didn’t dare ask her if I could bring Danny. My parents were going and it would just cause way too much drama. What a beautiful day too. I think I feel more stressed than she is. She even helps me with my hair. I couldn’t believe how calm and content she is…. ready to begin her future with the man she loves.
Although I feel so happy for her, a part of me feels sad as well. I want what everyone else seems to have. I want to have a husband. I couldn’t wait until I could have children. I wasn’t going to tell her any of the Danny problems until after she’s all settled in her new house after her honeymoon. It didn’t seem fair to tell her now. I knew she would worry and I couldn’t do that to her. She has been one of my best friends for so long and today is about her.
The wedding is so colorful. Her gown so beautiful, Stuart looks so happy. Tears flows down everyone’s face, including mine. Liz is my best friend from my childhood onward. I feel so happy for her and push aside all other thoughts as she walks down the aisle toward her bright future.
Everything went as perfect as a storybook with a magical happy ending. Just like she deserves in this life.
I dance all night and try hard not to think of what the next days would bring.
When I went down for breakfast the next morning I feel happy, or at least I believed myself to be. I want to believe what Danny told me the other night and that our future is coming. I also keep thinking that now two of my very best frie
nds were married. I wondered if I would ever be. When out of nowhere, my dad hits me with a Danny conversation, putting me on defense instantly.
“I really don’t think you should be seeing Danny,” my dad utters at me.
“What do you mean? We aren’t doing anything other than talking.”
“He is only going to hurt you again!”
“Don’t you think I haven’t thought that? I am the one he hurt!” My anger brewing.
“When it comes to Danny, you have a one way vision. I don’t want to see your entire future ruined. The last time he left, we thought we might lose you forever.”
I know he wants what is best for me, every parent does, and no parent wants to see their child get hurt again and again. Yet, this time, I’m not a child anymore and I need him to let me make my own choices. If I fall again, I will only have myself to blame. “Mom, please say something...you know I’m not a child. I have to make my own choices.”
“I don’t want to see you hurt either,” my mother admits in a soft voice.
“I need you both to just trust me. Trust that I’m not going to do anything stupid and if I fall, just be there if I need you. Otherwise, let me be the adult I’m supposed to be and make choices accordingly.” I cannot blame them, yet I need support too. I know it is a lot to ask. They have seen me after Danny hurt me a few times now, like my dad just stated and it couldn’t have been easy on them either. But I knew if I wanted this, I would have to fight for it, if I could.
My dad leaves the room.
I could hear his footsteps on the stairs and a door upstairs close.
My mother looks at me with sadness in her eyes.
I want her to be on my side and deep down, I know that she kind of is, but she’s also afraid of seeing my future ruined. I think she is more afraid of losing my friendship. Although she is my mom, we share something very special together and if her words would mean losing me, she isn’t going to risk it. “I think you need to let him hit rock bottom, get help for the drugs, and figure out his life before you get yourself involved.”
“How can I do that Mom? I love him you know this,” I say desperately.
“If he really loves you like you say, then he will get things straightened out first and not drag you into this mess.”
“This is all just too much, I can’t even think anymore,” I tell her as a tear slides down my face.
She came over and hugs me then we didn’t speak about it anymore.
Things were certainly strained in my house. Danny calls me and tells me things at his house were basically the same. That we should stay away from each other. Seems my dad went to their business and told his father to keep his son away from me. I felt beyond crushed and so mad. Like dad treats me like a child against some bully, telling Danny’s father this. I feel humiliated, yet I get that my father loves me too. It all adds more strain in our house. I just hope beyond hope, this stage passes and I will end up on the other side, intact, happy and my relationship with my dad remains whole as well. Why have so many people involved in our personal lives?
I decide though for now, I need to cut things off with Danny and we only talk on the phone. I hope this decision will make things a little better for us and in the meantime, we could sort things out. It’s so hard…I love him so much. I knew my hopes were escalating and that isn’t good, as I still did not know whether they were going to save their marriage and it is horrible of me to hope…in any way for them to fail. I just have to be honest with myself though. My heart longs for a life with Danny, no matter how impossible it seems to be.
Liz calls quickly before she leaves for the airport and her honeymoon. She thanks me for yesterday and promises to call me after they get back to their new house. Now she would be miles away. I get a lump in my throat just thinking about it, but truly, I feel happy for her and Stuart.
More and more, I knew some of my support just left my life. I could still speak to her on the phone, but this shows me, if I get hurt again, she will not be there with any help. Should anyone be? I ask myself. Like if I watched this happening to one of my best friends could I come running AGAIN—to hold them up when they fell for the SAME guy who broke their heart over and over? Yes, if I love the friend I would. Would I be mad at the guy? Heck yes!
I let out a sigh and knew I’d better strengthen myself for this next part in my life. No life saver thrown to me. No rope to grab onto. Yes, I have other friends, like Leslie. Liz though, has been there since before I even met Danny and to lose her living close would be hard no matter what happens.
Chapter Ten
Danny calls me a couple days later. He saw Wanda and it was on one hundred percent now, they were discussing getting lawyers for a divorce. She isn’t taking him back.
I want to believe it, need to believe it, but it’s hard to.
“Have your feelings towards me changed?” Danny questions me.
“No, why would you say that?”
“You just seem different these last few days.”
“Just want to believe this more than anything, but I’m afraid to.”
“Now that things are going to be officially over, our parents will have nothing they can say about it.”
“I hope you’re right! I just want to be happy once and for all.”
Two cards arrive in my mail from Danny. Each one said beautiful things that made me cry. I took them to my mother and showed her. I think she finally understands. She has a love for Danny like a son and that never changed. She’s just watching out for my heart. He’s going to get help for the drugs. He says he can’t risk losing me, so he will do whatever it takes.
I went to the mall with Leslie to get out of the house for a while. She’s the one person who truly understands my feelings, or at least I think she does. She and William seem to be doing better. However, she still acts nervous whenever I ask. I didn’t want to pry, so I shut up about it. Marriage isn’t easy and I knew this. I just want to be married and yes, Danny I won’t live happy ever after because that is unrealistic in this world, but at least we will be together and happy as we can be.
It’s May. Soon, summer would be here, so we figure we could get a jump start on clothes. We went back to her house after and her husband was sitting in the living room.
“Cassidy, you need to call your mom right away. She has called here a couple times looking for you sounded like something was wrong,” William tells me.
“Oh no, what could be wrong?” I pick up the phone and call home.
My mother answers on the first ring.
“Mom, what’s wrong? William said you called a couple of times.”
“Cas, you need to move your diary.”
“What? Why?”
“Your dad found your diary and he read it, he knows everything about you and Danny. I am sorry.”
I stand there with the phone against my ear.
Leslie and William keep looking at me waiting for a sign as to what is going on.
I’m at a complete loss of words for anyone. He read my deepest thoughts—he read everything! “Okay Mom, thanks for letting me know, I will be home soon,” I finally say.
I quickly tell them what happened as they both stand staring at me in shock. There’s nothing they could say either. It’s a total invasion of my privacy. I feel like screaming.
Leslie drives me home. “If you need to stay with us tonight, you know you can.”
“Thanks, I might just take you up on that one!” I feel furious. What my dad did is totally wrong. Poking into my private life is one thing. This is entirely the worst invasion so far. I am trembling as we near my house. Trembling with humiliation and rage.
“Call me later, let me know you’re okay and how it went.”
“Thanks,” I mutter. I didn’t want to open the door. I didn’t want to face what’s about to happen, but I knew I had to. When I walk in my dad is on the couch watching television. My mother isn’t in sight.
“I will never forgive you! I just want you to know that. I a
lso want you to know Danny is getting a divorce and I have every intention of seeing him,” I blurt out with anger and tears.
“You better tell his dad then.”
“Fine! I will tell his dad. You hurt me in ways you just don’t understand dad.”
No apology came from him for reading my diaries. He just worries about me telling his father.
I am going to see him. I storm up the stairs.
My mom is sitting on her bed. She’s clearly upset.
“Mom, I’m sorry. I hate that you’re in the middle of this.”
“Don’t worry about me.”
But I clearly did. I love her deeply and hate her being hurt by my mess of a life. “Dad wants me to go tell Ray about Danny and me seeing each other, so I am going to. He didn’t even apologize for reading my diaries mom.”
“I know...do you want me to go with you?”
I feel complete shock at her response and am deeply moved. I nod my head yes. I went to my room and move all my diaries to hopefully, a safe space. Grabbing a light jacket, I head downstairs.
We both walk right past my dad and out the door. I wouldn’t look at him. I think anger has me so revved up I would yell and scream at him like some crazy girl. That will do me no good. This all is bad enough without me flipping out on him.
As we walk around the corner to Danny’s we didn’t talk. My hand is shaking as I ring the doorbell.
A moment later, his dad is at the door with smile. “Hello ladies, what brings you here?”
“Can we talk to you...about Danny?” I softly ask.
“Of course! You’re always welcome here, you know that. Let me put on some coffee, or you girls prefer tea?”
“Coffee is fine,” my mom and I answer in unison.
I feel so nervous but I’m not sure why. I suppose it’s the way my dad said, ‘you better tell his father. As my anger simmers down this occurs to me as being odd. Why? I ask myself now while suddenly at a loss for words.
Fate (Forever & Always Book 2) Page 4