We sit the kitchen table, not sure where to begin.
“Is it true that you don’t want Danny and I seeing each other? My dad said that you are against it?” I finally manage to say.
“No, that is not true. I have nothing against you. I wasn’t happy initially and I wanted to make sure you weren’t mixed in middle of things. I know now that it’s serious and he is getting divorced, so I have no problem you seeing each other now.”
“My father led me to believe you didn’t want us together no matter what.”
“Your dad came to work and told me your mom was having a nervous breakdown over all this and that I needed to make Danny stay away.”
“What? So you don’t hate me?”
“I’m fine Ray,” my mom jumps in. “I also just wanted to be sure before they were together. I didn’t want my daughter to be the reason they didn’t try to save the marriage.”
He nods his head at her then looks over at me.
I sit in the chair with my nerves so out of whack I keep bouncing my legs. I make myself stop.
“No, I don’t hate you. You’re always welcome in this house and in this family. Our doors are always open for both of you!” he exclaims with a smile that warms my heart.
“Thank you!” I tearfully say. I didn’t tell him about the diaries as I felt already violated and didn’t want to further my humiliation. We all talk for a while and it feels so good knowing he isn’t going to stand in our way.
When I call Danny later that night, as he’d been at work when I was with his dad, I told him what happened. Danny told me we should stop seeing each other. He felt as if he was tearing up my life, causing me too much pain. He said he wouldn’t call me anymore and mentioned that he also thought my mom hated him. Thinking she wasn’t on our side, although in ways she really is, he wanted to step back and not be the center of my family falling apart.
My heart felt as if it were being broken into millions of pieces. Everyone has a piece of me, my family, Danny, my friends and even his family.
I didn’t want this to be the end once again. We have a chance now for a new beginning once he’s divorced. I did confess to him how I want to trust him and believe in all he told me, but a part of me is still scared and on guard.
I tell my mom what he said and she seemed to get very upset about it. She’s loved him for all these years and even though she isn’t thrilled about what has been going on, it didn’t mean she hates him. Where Danny is concerned, my mom always had a soft spot. I know she believed like me at one time that someday, we would get married and give her grandchildren.
I feel some fear about him being so willing to give us up again, though he would be doing it to spare me more misery. What he didn’t seem to realize is misery was my life without him in it. I knew this…soon, I would let him know it too.
Just now, with the divorce, his work, and therapy, it wasn’t the right time.
Wait… I need to wait. Seems where Danny is concerned that is all I’ve done since I was very young. My heart is telling me though. Some things are worth the wait.
I know love is worth it. So I set in to do just that.
Chapter Eleven
DANNY…
“You need to be true to yourself Danny, before you start this relationship with my daughter,” Cassidy’s mother says to me.
“I love her, you know that. I have never meant to hurt her on purpose. Sometimes, I just don’t think about my actions, like I should.” I’m going to meetings. I work and then go. I have been clean since I got here.
“Then you need to do right by her and get yourself going to meetings and clean up your life.”
“I’ve been going. I couldn’t bear it if you weren’t on our side. You’ve always been like a second mother to me.”
“I’ve loved you like a son since the day we moved into this house. You were here every day and became part of our family. That will never change. I just need to know that this time you have her back for a change. I need to know that you’re going to care enough about her to get the help you know you need. Then maybe, you both can have the life you always wanted.”
“I will, I promise.” I meant this too. I knew this would be my last chance with Cassidy. I couldn’t blow it this time.
“I think if you can do that, her dad will eventually come around. He has always loved you too, and truly, I think he still does in his own way. He just can’t bear to see his daughter torn apart again. What he did with the diaries was wrong and he knows it. I don’t know if Cassidy will ever forgive him for it. You need to prove to yourself that you can do this, when you do, then everything else will fall into place as it should.”
I let out a breath of relief. “Thank you, really I feel so much better that you called me and we talked. Does Cassidy know you were calling me?”
“No, she doesn’t but I will tell her we talked, when the time is right. For now, you worry about what we talked about. I believe you can do this! I have talked to her dad and you can come to our house and see her, just take things slow.”
“What? Bob is okay with me seeing her?” I had trouble believing this right off. Her dad always had a face of stone every time he looks at me. Not that I can blame him really.
“Yes, I’ve talked to him and after what he has done, he will do this or we will lose her.”
“I don’t know what to say...”
“Nothing, just be smart and take care of my girl.”
We hang up. I feel hope now, grateful that we did have some support. I couldn’t bear Cass dealing with all the stress this was putting on her and her family. As soon as I’d told Cass that we should part for a bit, I regretted it instantly. I need to stop doing that. I cannot live without her and to say I can… is a lie.
It will be a long road ahead. I need to get my life straight.
I want the best for Cassidy…but I’m not that. I hope to be, but I’m not there yet. I remember the awful jealousy that overcame me when she went out with that other guy. I did feel like I’d come back too late. I feared she would like him and start darting him. Who could blame her really? I wasn’t such a prize with the way I’d messed up what we had. Cassidy had always been the sweetest, warmest person I’ve ever known. She has forgiven me time and again. I needed to be worthy of her love. A love she still feels is against all odds. This is the one thing I held onto. She still loves me and this spurs me on to succeed more than anything else.
It could’ve all been too late, if I’d waited just another week or two to show up on her doorstep that first time, she would’ve been dating that man, and probably would have turned me away. I now remember how I felt that first day when I came back here to my home town. After the bad scene with Wanda and the separation, the first place I showed up at was Cassidy’s door….
Should I be here? I hurt her so bad and yet, this was the first place I wanted to, needed to go.
I knew I shouldn’t have been at her door. The minute that door opens, I know my fate will be set and the decision final. There will be no turning back. The choices I’ve made and the things I have done to her never should have happened. But…they did and here I stand now, with my heart in my hands. Wondering what will happen. I hurt her so badly when I got someone else pregnant and married them. I moved away, so I wouldn’t be tempted to continue to see her. I wanted her to move on with her life and forget me. Yet, here I am. Will she slam the door in my face? Maybe she’s with someone new and happy. Do I have the right to put her in this situation? Maybe if I’d thought this out better, I wouldn’t be standing here sweating and praying for her to be happy to see me. Yet, I know I can’t walk away from her this time. I have to fight for what should have always been if I hadn’t messed it up. I hesitate longer before I actually push the doorbell. I take a deep breath and pray really hard that I’m not too late.
I push away the memory of the anxiety I’d felt that first day when she opened her door and stood staring at me like I was a ghost.
I have a true purpose now. Yes,
I did come to her first thing. Why? Because she is my everything. The past years have been torture being married to a woman I didn’t love, having broken the heart of the woman I did love. Never seeing Cassidy or hearing her sweet voice for almost that entire time.
Then my life just kept on distentergrating by having to get through every day with an addiction to make me forget what I’d done, where I was—what I’d lost. I was stuck somewhere I never belonged, with someone I shouldn’t be with at all. Wanda knew it. She always knew that I loved Cassidy and always would. It drove a wedge between us that simply grew until it was ugly and worn. It wasn’t a life either of us should’ve been living and it didn’t help our kids either, being so unhappy and fighting all the time as well.
As for Cassidy. I don’t want to see her hurt anymore. I refused to hurt her. I have to be sure that I never let her go again. It’s just so hard taking things slow when I want to be with her, more than anything.
Cassidy…
I hadn’t heard from Danny in a couple days and was beginning to get worried. Maybe he thought about all the drama our lives have become and thinks we shouldn’t head toward a future together. It could happen as I keep remembering him telling what he did over the phone.
The doorbell ringing caught me off guard. When I opened the door, there he stood.
“Can I come in?”
“Are you sure you want to? My parents are home, I’m not sure how they will act.”
“It’s okay, I still want to.”
As we walked past my parents on the couch, watching television Danny say hello and went over to shake my dad’s hand. If someone would describe the expression on my face at this particular moment in time, they might say I wore an, “Oh My God” look. I feel so afraid he wouldn’t shake his hand back, or tell him to turn around and head back out the door. Yet, it didn’t happen. Shocked is the next word to come to my mind. What the heck has happened here? We went downstairs to my basement, as it’s smarter than my room at this point in time.
“Holy Shit! What on earth happened just now?” I blurted the second we were downstairs.
“Everything will be all right. I’ve been going to meetings. I’m going to win them over again and we will be together like we always dreamed.”
I roll my eyes. “You truly must be high right now, if you think that’s possible. There is no way my dad will be okay with everything” I bit my lip. I shouldn’t have said high. Darnit. I shouldn’t have.
It didn’t seem to bother Danny in the least. He smiled at me. “He will, trust me. I’m going to show him that I know how to treat you right. I am not going to hurt you and when I do accomplish this, he’ll see he has nothing to be afraid of.”
I still feel truly doubtful about this. “You think it will be that simple? This is my dad we’re talking about here, you know?”
“We are just going to have to be a little patient and take things slow.”
“That’ll be hard. I want that life now. I feel as if I’ve waited my whole life for this and I hate that it can’t happen now.”
Danny took both my hands into his. “I know, but we have to be smart. We won’t see each other as much to start, but in the end, we will have all we want.”
“I so want to believe you.” I lean my head onto his chest with a heavy sigh.
He raises my chin with his finger. His baby blue eyes are warm and a new, determined light in them. “I am going to marry you! I’m getting a lawyer tomorrow and when the divorce is final, we’re going to get married. When the divorce is started then maybe your dad will be okay with us going out.”
“I hope so…”
He kisses my forehead then steps back like he got burned. He gives me a nervous smile. “Can’t get too close.”
I giggle.
He left while my parents were still awake so they didn’t think anything funky was going on. He is determined to prove to them that he is worthy of having me back.
It supplements my hopes and abates my fears a lot. I’ve never seen Danny so full of purpose, so determined. All in his love for me. I knew better than to jump at this. It just sounds too good to be true. Danny has always been wild. The bad boy mom’s warn their daughters about. I loved him for him, but what comes with him could hurt me all over again. I decide to shove my fears aside every time I would feel some coming on. It wouldn’t do any of us any good. I needed to be supportive and try to be patient.
When he calls me the next day, as he’d said he went to an attorney who started drawing up the papers.
I want to jump up and down, scream from the highest mountain and cry, all at the same time. I want this more than anything, yet in many ways I feel as if my life is on a complete hold. We can’t plan anything, yet there is that promise of a future. So I take that deep breath and hold on tight.
Chapter Twelve
Danny calls me. “The lawyer just called and the first court date is July 11th.”
“What does that mean though?”
“It’s the first step towards getting divorced and us getting married.”
“You will marry me won’t you?”
“Yes, I will marry you!” he sounds stunned that I still didn’t believe him. “It’s all I want, Cass. All I want is a life with you. The life we should’ve had. I won’t lose you again.”
Like all good things go up, sooner or later you know they must come back down. I sit by the phone all day waiting for him to call to tell me what happened in court. It was nerve wracking not knowing. I wanted to be there with him, but obviously, I couldn’t. When the phone finally rings, I nearly fell over.
“Hi, it’s me.” Sounding dismayed.
“Oh no, I don’t like the sound of your voice.”
“She was awarded $275 a week!”
“WHAT!”
“Listen, I love you but I really don’t want to talk about it right now, okay? Don’t be mad please. I just need time.”
“Okay...I guess….you will call me later or come by?”
“Yeah…probably I just need to think about what I am going to do. I love you. Bye.”
I didn’t even get to say I love you back. He’s gone, the phone goes dead, and I felt dead. What did all this mean? I just want to be happy. I want to have my wedding. I want to have a house of our own and eventually I want children. I can’t breathe. I feel as if I am suffocating. I just want to run and run.
I pick up the phone to call Liz. They were still settling in but I felt it was time to tell her what has been going on.
“Why didn’t you tell me all this when he first came back?”
“I just couldn’t…” I cried. “You were getting ready to get married and I just couldn’t put my problems on you.”
“What are you going to do?” she asks sounding concerned.
“I don’t know what to do anymore. I just want to scream, run, hide, I can’t breathe.”
“Come here!”
“What do you mean? You just moved in and are getting settled. I don’t think Stuart would be too happy about that.”
“Yes, he will be fine! Seriously, come here, you can help us and clear your mind.”
“Are you really sure?”
“Yes, I’m sure! Just call me back and let me know when you’re coming. I will pick you up at the airport.”
“Thank you! I will make some calls, you check with Stuart in the meantime. I don’t want him mad or cause any troubles.”
“I’ll tell him, but he knows we’re best friends and trust me, he will just play on his video games.”
I made some phone calls and found a flight. I went to my grandmother’s and told her some of what has been going on. I also explained that I just needed to get a way and clear my head. She agreed to let me borrow the money so I could go. I was the oldest grandchild and after living above her for 14 years, I have a connection with her. She wasn’t critical and yet I know she probably felt the same reservations everyone else seemed to have.
Danny didn’t call and I wasn’t going to call him and t
ell him what I was doing. He wanted space, well I planned to give it to him. I just wasn’t sure if when I did come back if we still had a future. All I care about now is getting away from it all. I know the divorce proceedings were stressful, but he just cut me off again. No, taking to me about it, he just shut me down. He needed to see this is our future, not just his.
My mom drives me to the airport. If my dad looks mad about me leaving, he didn’t say a word. I imagine the pain on my face is visible and he certainly wasn’t going to ask questions, not when they related to anything to do with Danny.
Chapter Thirteen
Being at Liz’s is just what I needed. Stuart seemed to sense that we needed time alone to catch up. He probably also saw my red blood shot eyes from the endless tears I’d shed since arriving.
As always, she had my back and never judged. “He doesn’t know you’re here?”
“No, I just left. I was getting hit from every angle and I just couldn’t take anymore.”
“I wish you would have told me! Let’s go out shopping. That always cheers you up. Let me just get my purse and tell Stuart we’re leaving.”
“Are you sure he isn’t going to be mad about me taking you away from him so much?”
“No, he is great like that, you know how he is.”
“Yes, you are lucky!”
Being away and being with Liz is exactly what I needed right now. My mind keeps reeling and I couldn’t focus at all. We drove around for a while just talking and listening to music. We couldn’t find a Dunkin Donuts, so we just went back to her house, put on some coffee, got out the ring dings and played spit for hours. It’s just so simple and to have no stress is truly a treat to me.
We went to dinner and then to a comedy club, which was a lot of fun. Comedy clubs are always good for laughs. As soon as we got back to the house, Stuart went to go play his games. Liz and I would make our coffee, get the ring dings out and play spit for hours.
Fate (Forever & Always Book 2) Page 5