by Stacey Lynn
The ride back to my apartment felt like it took forever. Jack and I said nothing to one another as we entered my building.
I shrieked when I opened the door to the apartment and saw Tate and Macy making out on my couch like teenagers.
“Shit, guys!” I yelled as Jack muffled a laugh behind me.
Macy was shirtless and straddling Tate on my couch. As soon as I yelled, her face fell into Tate’s shoulder and he wrapped his arms around her, covering her back. He peeked his head around her shoulder and for the first time since I’d known him, he blushed a furious shade of hot pink.
“Sorry…..we didn’t think you’d be back so soon,” Tate said with a look on his face that he really wasn’t sorry at all.
I tossed my clutch bag and my keys on the entry table and walked into the kitchen so I didn’t have to look at my two half-naked friends sprawled out on my couch.
“Hey, man – it happens.” Jack laughed and followed me.
“That’s not helping. I’m going to have that image burned in my brain whenever I look at my couch now,” I scolded him as I reached for the wine bottle.
“You could have at least used my room!” I shouted to Macy while my back was turned away from them. I heard them rustling around in the living room – hopefully getting dressed.
“Do you mind if we go finish up in there then?” Tate asked while laughing.
“No!” Jack shouted. I looked at him with my mouth hanging open. “That’s our room and we’ll need it later.”
I laughed and took my first drink. “You think so?”
It sounded really good at the moment, and at least the images of Macy and Tate practically screwing on my couch relieved my stress and worry from my interactions with Marcus and his dad.
Jack was smiling a boyish grin while he poured himself a glass of wine. I didn’t see that look nearly enough and I didn’t want him to stop looking so happy, so I didn’t bring up what Marcus’s dad said. My lips lifted a bit when he winked at me. “I think you might need a stress reliever later.”
I agreed, and I knew he would too once I told him the rest of what happened.
Thankfully, Macy and Tate sauntered into the kitchen with sheepish smiles on their faces and I knew I could put it off a little bit longer.
“So why are you back so soon?” Macy asked when she reached for a glass too. Apparently, it was going to be a drinking kind of night. I needed it, and wasn’t in any big hurry for them to leave either - being surrounded by my best friends sounded awesome.
I sighed and sat down at the kitchen table. “We ran into Marcus at the dinner tonight and I finally told him about Logan.”
“You what?” She asked with eyebrows raised, her wine glass frozen in front of her lips.
I closed my eyes and shook my head. “I couldn’t avoid it any longer. Logan’s been asking about his dad, and after Marcus defended me in front of his dad…”
“What?” Jack hissed and I instantly realized my mistake. Shit. “You didn’t tell me that he was there. What happened?”
Jack’s anger was palpable as Macy and Tate joined me at the table. Jack on the other hand, firmly planted his hands on his hips and puffed out his chest.
I rolled my tongue in my mouth and then across the front of my teeth trying to find the words. I didn’t want to share everything in front of Macy, but she knew the whole story anyway.
“He pushed me up against the wall when I came out of the bathroom…”
“He put his fucking hands on you?!” Jack shouted and I winced.
“Can I finish?” I asked gently and then took a large swallow of my wine, finishing it in one large gulp. I pinched my eyes and swallowed slowly to ease the burning in my throat. “He knew about Logan, Jack. He said that he’s kept an eye on us over the years in case we approached Marcus. And then, he called me a….”
My voice trailed off, not wanting to finish. Macy put her hand on mine and looked at me with wide eyes.
“He called me a whore,” I whispered and then closed my eyes expecting another outrage from Jack. Instead, I heard the sound of glass shattering on my wall. My eyes flew open and I saw Jack roughly rubbing his hands through his hair and large mess of red wine falling gently down the back wall of my galley kitchen.
“Fuck!” Jack turned to me, looking completely manic, and took a deep breath when he saw my widened eyes. He turned back to his mess and then back to me slowly. “I’m sorry….I’m just pissed that you didn’t tell me while we were there so I could take care of it.”
I scoffed. “And what would you have done? Kicked his ass in front of hundreds of people, Jack?”
His nose wrinkled a little bit. “Maybe.”
“Right,” I said with a faint hint of laughter. I didn’t doubt he would have done something.
Jack moved quickly and knelt down in front of me. “This all happened right after I told you I’d protect you and keep you safe; and then I didn’t. Why didn’t you tell me there?”
“Because Marcus interrupted him and made him leave and then he started apologizing for everything that happened, and then you showed up.” I placed my hand on his cheek, but then looked at Macy and Tate. They seemed to understand the look I gave them that said get the hell out of here, and took their cues silently.
I didn’t say anything else until Macy was at the doorway, Tate holding the door open for her. “Call me tomorrow, okay?”
I nodded. “I will. Thanks for watching Logan for me, tonight.”
Tate gave us a fake salute as they walked out the door, “Thanks for your couch.”
The door shut and I heard muffled laughter from behind it. “Asshole,” I muttered and turned back to Jack.
He looked tortured.
“He said if I don’t let him have a relationship with Logan, that he’s going to spill our affair all over the papers and then he’d go to a judge to get rights as the grandparent.”
Jack closed his eyes and pursed his lips. When he opened them again and looked at me, he was calmer. “I won’t let that happen. Let me deal with this shit okay?”
“Jack…”
“No, you need to listen to me. I’m not letting that asshole use his power to manipulate you ever again. You have enough to worry about with introducing Logan and Marcus, and I’ll take care of his dad. The man will never have anything to do with Logan unless you agree to it, you get me?”
He looked so fiercely serious, I couldn’t argue with him. “I get you.”
“Now….let’s go relieve some of that stress.”
I looked at the wall behind him that was still dripping wine. “I need to clean up your mess.”
He looked at the wall and then back to me with a roguish grin, “I’ll do it tomorrow. There’s more important things to take care of right now.”
I snorted. “You know how to clean?”
“I can be domesticated,” he stated. It reminded of the very first night he ran into me on my blind date and I couldn’t stop myself from smiling at the memory.
“You’re anything but domesticated, Jack.” He picked me up like a rag doll in his arms and nuzzled his chin into my neck.
“Then let me show you how naughty I can be.”
SIXTEEN
“Will my dad like me?”
We were sitting on a park bench at a playground near our house waiting for Marcus while I held Logan in my lap and softly ran my hands through his hair. It wasn’t the first time he’d asked the question in the last few days since I told him he had a dad and that Marcus wanted to meet him. My heart broke a little bit each time he asked though, especially when he looked at me with wide, nervous eyes. I hated this.
“Of course he’ll like you, Logan,” I said softly and pulled him to my chest, hoping he couldn’t hear the frantic beat of my heart. I knew Marcus would love him. I wasn’t worried about that, his face when he saw the picture told me all I needed to know. What worried me – terrified me – was his dad making good on his threats.
I pressed my teeth together
and with closed eyes, sighed heavily. How do you explain to a four-year-old why his dad hasn’t been around? Or why he wanted to know him now? I’d been through days of questioning, and lots of tears – mine and Logan’s – as we talked about Marcus being gone for work and just now back in Chicago. I couldn’t bear to tell him the truth, and I didn’t think he needed to know it anyway. He was too young to understand. Hell, I still didn’t understand.
My phone rang with Jack’s ringtone and I cringed. He wasn’t happy about me meeting Marcus alone, although after hours of arguing the night before I knew this would be easier for everyone. He had called me every thirty minutes all morning since he left my apartment this morning checking up on me and trying to get me to change my mind.
“Hey, Jack,” I said softly and watched Logan’s eyes light up with a large smile. He was growing to love Jack. I wondered if it would change how he interacted with Marcus.
“Is he there yet?” His voice was impatient and I sighed.
“Not yet.” I looked at the time on my watch. It was still five minutes before we agreed to meet. “He should be here any minute. And I promise, again, to call you as soon as we’re done here.”
“Don’t bother,” he said gruffly. “I had a meeting come up this afternoon and I might be tied up for the rest of the day.”
He sounded annoyed, and slightly pissed off. I didn’t know if it was me meeting Marcus or this new appointment. Regardless, I didn’t want to argue with him about it. We’d fought enough over the last couple of days.
“Okay….” I said reluctantly. “Will I see you later?”
“Maybe. I need to go, but I’ll call you when I can.”
I ran my hands through Logan’s hair again and shooed him off towards the playground.
“Is everything okay?” I asked once Logan was climbing up the slides.
“Nothing I can’t handle. Be safe, and called Shane if you need anything.”
He hung up without giving me a chance to say good-bye and I sat there staring at my phone, looking at Jack’s name flashing on my disconnected signal. Something wasn’t right and something else told me it didn’t have to do with me meeting Marcus.
“Hey Emma.” I closed my eyes and took a deep breath when I heard Marcus’ familiar voice. It was deeper than it used to be, but sounded so similar to the loving way he used to talk to me that my spine tingled.
I looked at him, standing next to the park bench and waved for him to sit down next to me. He took his seat and clasped his hands together, his right foot bouncing.
“Nervous?” I asked with a slight grin as I looked at his legs.
He stared out at the dozens of screaming and smiling kids on the playground and said nothing for several minutes while his heel kept bouncing away.
“I don’t even know which one he is….” his voice trailed off and finally he took his eyes off the strangers on the playground and turned to me. “I’m a father, Emma. And I have no idea who my son is. You have no idea how that feels.”
I grasped my phone tightly in my hands, suddenly scared he was going to lash out at me for keeping Logan a secret for so long. I looked away from him, afraid he would see the fear in my own eyes, but he kept talking.
“I don’t blame you, you know. I’m just pissed and angry at myself for not realizing sooner what an asshole my dad is.” He ran his hands roughly through his hair and cursed. “All I’ve been able to think about since you told me about Logan is all the plans I had for us. I wanted to marry you and make a life with our child, and now it’s all so fucked up that I can’t even look at these kids out here and recognize my own son. Do you have any idea how shitty that makes me feel?”
I turned my head away from him and swallowed down the tears that threatened to spill over.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered.
Marcus snapped at me. “You don’t have shit to be sorry for. I told you, I’m not mad at you. I’ve held on to so much anger for the last few years with my dad that I’m pissed I ever trusted him over the only woman I’ve ever loved…”
“Marcus,” I gasped, startled at his admission to me. Why was he even bringing all of this up now? I didn’t agree to meet him to discuss our relationship, I just wanted him to meet his son and suddenly I felt too overwhelmed by everything to say anything at all.
He raised a hand and cut me off. “Just let me say this, okay?” At my nod, he continued. “You have no idea how much it broke my heart when my dad came to me and told me you asked for money to get rid of our baby. I was too angry and too upset to think rationally. If I would have taken even a second, I would have known you’d never do that. I just….I never thought my dad would lie like that. When he admitted the truth, I wanted to find you, but then I was too scared and too ashamed to admit everything to you. I failed you when you needed me most, and for that – I will always be sorry.”
I wiped away the tears that I couldn’t fight down any longer. It was too much. Too overwhelming and in the open park, I felt walls crushing down on my chest. What would have happened had he come to me years ago?
“And now you’re with Jack,” he spit it out like he was pissed. Or maybe jealous, given his confession. Perhaps he was still disappointed in himself. I didn’t know, but I turned to face him and saw anger in his eyes.
“I am.”
“Do you love him?” Marcus’ voice sounded so pained, I couldn’t say anything at all. Why did I feel bad about this?
I let my silence speak for itself and turned to the playground. Logan stood on a walkway between two slides, his hands gripping the rails and his eyes wide, watching us. I waved to him in a gesture for him to come over and I saw the fear and nerves flash in his tiny little innocent face.
“He’s not good enough for you,” Marcus stated and my jaw tightened in annoyance.
“We didn’t come here to talk about Jack, and I won’t discuss my relationship with him, with you of all people.” I turned to see Logan slowly walking towards us. “Your son wants to meet you and he’s nervous as hell that you won’t like him. Don’t mess this up.”
“Sorry,” he whispered and then wipes his palms nervously on his thighs. “What do I say to him?”
I laughed softly. “Say hello, and then play with him. It’s all he wants, Marcus.”
Logan walked over to me and molded himself to the side of my body. He looked at Marcus with scared little eyes as he tried to hide himself from him. I pulled him onto my lap so he was cradled against my body and held his head against my chest, his face staring directly at his father.
“Logan…” I choked out, tears threatening to spill over again, but I swallowed them down. “This is your dad, Marcus.”
I felt Logan stiffen in my arms and looked to Marcus. With my eyes, I pleaded for him to show Logan some love. Slowly, Marcus reached out his right hand.
“It’s wonderful to finally meet you Logan,” he said softly but with tears spilling over his own eyes. I could see Marcus’ own fear in his eyes and I wondered if he was just as terrified as Logan.
Logan stared at the large hand offered to him and then slowly looked up at me. He pursed his lips and frowned when he saw my tears, but I nodded and with a smile, encouraged him to say hello.
His little hand disappeared into Marcus’s when he finally reached out to hold it. Marcus breathed out a loud exhale and with his free hand, he wiped away his own tears.
“Hi.” Logan’s soft and timid voice brought more tears to my eyes and Marcus’s. I shut my eyes tightly until I felt more in control. Silence surrounded the three of us. I knew kids were shouting and cars were driving by. I’m sure in the distance a car alarm was going off, and adults were chatting on cell phones, but in that moment, there was nothing else in the world besides the three of us.
Finally, Marcus smiled and covered Logan’s small hand with his other one, holding it softly between them. “I’m so sorry I wasn’t here earlier for you.”
Logan smiled. “My mom said you were gone for work and just came back. She said
you had to travel a lot but didn’t have to do it anymore.”
I wrinkled my nose at the little – okay, enormous – white lie I told Logan. I pleaded with Marcus silently for understanding and he sent me his silent thanks.
Marcus nodded. “I did.”
A tear fell down Logan’s own cheek and my own throat burned from the emotions splayed all over his pudgy little cheeks and innocent face. God I hated this.
“Are you going to travel anymore?” he asked so softly I was afraid Marcus didn’t hear him.
But he did, and he moved to wipe a tear off Logan’s cheek and then his own with the back of his hand.
“I will never leave you again,” he said seriously and then turned to me. “I promise.”
Logan took a deep breath and then smiled the largest smile I had ever seen on his little face. “I turn five in…..how many days, mommy?”
I chuckled through my tears. “Two weeks, baby.”
He scrunched up his nose. “I’m not a baby,” And then looked at his…dad. “Two weeks. Will you come to my birthday party? Mommy’s taking me to a place with lots of things to jump on. I forget what they’re called.”
“Trampolines?” Marcus supplied with a smile that practically mirrored his son’s. They were practically mirror images of each other and something in that moment, felt like they had always known each other.
Logan nodded enthusiastically and hopped off my lap. “Yeah, those things. Can you come?”
Marcus nodded. “I wouldn’t miss it for the world.”
“Do you want to play with me?” Logan asked and then looked at the sand pile to our right filled with empty buckets.
I looked at Marcus, still dressed in his fancy and well-tailored black suit. He had come to meet us directly from work. The idea of him sitting in the sand made me laugh.
Marcus shot me a look full of mischief and amazement. Before I knew it, he had thrown his suit jacket over the back of the bench, and was removing his socks and shoes.
He held out his hand for Logan who, this time, took it without any hesitation. “I love to play in the sand.”