Don't Lie to Me

by Stacey Lynn

  I paused, hoping he’d stop me from leaving. That he’d tell me he was being a jerk and that he was sorry. Then we’d sit down and calmly talk about what was going on, what was bothering him so severely.

  The flicker in his eyes disappeared as he took a deep breath, rolling back his shoulders and standing straight and tall. He shook his head, and said nothing.

  I was a naïve, foolish girl.

  I pursed my lips and swallowed my tears. I wouldn’t let him see how much this affected me. He had given me a job, my lifeline when I needed it the most, and then made me fall in love with him.

  Only to rip it away when the first sign of trouble appeared.

  A bone-chilling silence filled his apartment as I picked up my bags and purse for the last time. He said nothing, gave no showing of an emotion as I walked away from him.

  Tears erupted once I was finally enclosed in the safety of his elevator doors.

  I was just walking into my apartment with Logan and Penny when my cell phone went off. I ignored it, knowing it wasn’t Jack. Not that I was expecting him to call, or text, or fucking apologize for the way he manhandled me.

  The only people who texted me were Macy and my parents, and I didn’t want to talk to either of them for fear I might lose any hold I was maintaining on my emotions; however small it was at the moment.

  I paid Penny and began running Logan’s bathwater, thinking about dinner and trying as hard as I possibly could to forget my nightmare afternoon with Jack. More tears would come, I was sure after Logan went to bed, but I didn’t want him to see me upset.

  “Come on in the bath now, buddy,” I called to Logan once the tub was filled. He happily jumped in and once he began playing with the water toys, I braved my phone.

  It was from Marcus. I smiled reading his text.

  Can’t stop thinking about Logan. Can I see him tonight? I can bring dinner.

  I wasn’t in the mood for company. Especially Marcus. I also hated the idea of telling him no. He had so much fun with Logan the day before.

  I checked my watch and realized that I was starving and hadn’t eaten anything all day. I also didn’t feel like cooking. I also really didn’t feel like company and the thought of having to put on a fake smile for Marcus tonight was totally unappealing when I felt like throwing up. On the other hand, if he was there, he could take care of Logan while I wallowed in my self-pity and anger.

  “Hey, it’s Emma,” I said when he answered. I smiled at Logan as he splashed in the bubbles and played with his cars. “Hey Logan, do you want to see….your dad?”

  Logan’s smile lit up, full of hopefulness. “Can I?”

  I heard Marcus’ laughter through the phone. “Have I mentioned how much I fucking love being called a dad?”

  I shook my head. “Maybe once or twice. But you’re really going to need to start watching your language, you know.”

  “Shit. Oh…crap. Yeah, I keep forgetting. Anyway, can I bring you guys some dinner tonight and spend a couple hours with him?”

  I smiled at the hesitancy in Marcus’ voice. He seemed so vulnerable and like maybe he had as crappy of an afternoon as me. Plus, Logan was excited. There was no way I was going to be the one responsible for wiping the smile off Logan’s face.

  “Not a problem. I’m finishing up Logan’s bath, but we’ll be here.”

  “God, thank you, Emma. Seriously, you don’t owe me this, but I’m so fu….freaking grateful for you giving me this chance.”

  “Yeah, well just don’t screw it up,” I replied, not even half-joking.

  I practically heard Marcus’ teeth grind together through the phone and I almost regretted the warning immediately. All day yesterday he had acted like the guy I remembered – the good guy - before everything went to shit. Deep down, I knew he was a good guy, and one of the reasons I’d agreed to elope and hadn’t been afraid of having a child with him.

  “I won’t. What do you guys like to eat?”

  “Sorry,” I muttered. My anger at Jack had nothing to do with Marcus. “It’s been a shitty day.” Before he could say anything, I cupped my hand over my receiver and peered at Logan. “What do you want for dinner Logan?”

  His little nose crinkled up, as if he was really thinking hard about it. I didn’t buy it for a single second and I splashed him with water, almost forgetting Marcus was still on the phone. While Logan sputtered and spit the soap and bubbles out of his mouth and off his face, I took my hand off the phone. “You’ll probably be his biggest hero if you bring him a cheeseburger Happy Meal.”

  “And a video game dad!” Logan shouted and I heard Marcus’ laughter through the phone.

  “No video games,” I said sternly to both of them at the same time.

  “Sounds good, see you in a little bit.”

  We said our good-bye’s, and I knew I was going to be spending the rest of the night watching Marcus and Logan jump on paper mushrooms while I pretended to be annoyed. I’d let Marcus have this time of spoiling the shit out of his kid because I knew it was partly my fault that he didn’t know his son.

  Sure, I thought he was a prick when his dad showed up all those years ago. But the truth, was that I could have gone to Marcus at any time and told him I didn’t have an abortion. I could have chosen to be brave any day over the last five years and let him have his chance with Logan. Fear and anger kept me from it. I sighed, the guilt weighing on me.

  I kept Logan – intentionally – from his dad. Even when he asked about a dad, or where he was, I lied. I hated that. I hated feeling like I’d knowingly kept my son from the one person who he wanted to know more than anyone, thinking that replacements like Tate and Jack were enough for him.

  I stared at my son and fought back the tears. Marcus’s admissions from the previous day about how much he wanted this family played in my head on repeat. Would Logan hate me forever for keeping his dad from him or would he forgive me when he was old enough to understand why I did it? Was Marcus in his life now, enough to erase all the pain and tears I’d caused my boy?

  The only thing I knew for sure was that not knowing the answers sucked.

  EIGHTEEN

  My friends ganged up on me. Apparently, forty-eight hours was enough to wallow in the misery of losing your job and your lover at the same time. Macy spent Friday night with me, listening to me cry and bitch about how shitty Jack was. I didn’t tell her specifics, but she knew enough. She also told me how wretched Jack had been at work that day. If it was supposed to make me feel better, it didn’t. I didn’t want Jack miserable. I wanted him to open up for once and talk to me. I wanted him to want me.

  The realization he didn’t hit me smack in the chest and Macy stomped her foot down when I tried defending him.

  “That’s it.” She stood up Saturday morning, brushed muffin crumbs off her pajama pants, and faced me, looking taller than her just over five foot frame allowed. “We’re getting wasted tonight.”

  “I’ve already talked to Marcus,” she said with a smirk on her lips. “He wants to have Logan over at his place anyway so he said he’d watch Logan while we went out tonight.”

  I really didn’t want to go out. I had more wallowing to do. I just knew better than to argue with her. If I didn’t join the party, she’d bring it to me.

  “Fine.”

  She left, making me promise to meet her at the bar after I dropped Logan off at Marcus’ later in the afternoon. While Logan watched an animated super heroes movie, I sorted the laundry, cleaned up the apartment and got ready to go out.

  I was doing well, pushing thoughts of Jack to the back of my mind until I saw Macy’s eggplant colored dress, the dress I wore on our first date, still hanging in my closet.

  Memories of him flooded my mind even as I tried to turn them off. I sat on the floor of my closet, crying quietly knowing that Jack was terribly wrong.

  His three-date-rule was still strongly in effect.

  We may have screwed around a lot more than that, but as soon as something bad happened –
whatever the hell it was that happened to him earlier in the week – Jack had thrown up walls faster than a rocket launching into space, even after professing his love for me.

  Suddenly, getting skunk drunk sounded like a fabulous idea. A night out without having to worry about paying babysitters or being quiet in the morning so I didn’t wake Logan up? Sounded like a vacation to me, and if anyone had earned one after the way this week went, I figured it was me.

  I allowed myself a few more tears, promising myself that they were the last I would cry over Jack, got dressed, and then helped Logan pack an overnight bag.

  Armed with a small suitcase, his pillow, and a couple of his favorite sleeping blankets wrapped under his arms, we headed to Marcus’ apartment. It was just a few miles from where I lived and I nervously wrung my hands on the steering wheel the entire time at the idea of leaving Logan alone for the night.

  Eventually I knew we’d have to sit down and work out a custody agreement, but Logan was so happy around him and Marcus seemed so excited to make up for lost time, that I didn’t want to set anything in stone just yet.

  Marcus’s apartment was slightly larger than mine and much newer. His furnishings were fancier and his big screen television on a far wall rivaled Jack’s. I instantly hated the comparison.

  “You’re going to keep him from your dad, right?” I asked abruptly and then instantly wanted to duct tape my own mouth shut. I waved a hand in apology. “Sorry….I’ve had a long week…”

  Marcus cut me off. “You don’t need to worry about that, Emma. I swear it to you.” By the darkening of his eyes and the fiercely protective stance, I knew he was right.

  “I know. Like I said, I’ve had a lot going on this week.”

  I watched Logan happily drift off and explore his new surroundings while trying to find something less stupid to say.

  “Where do I sleep?” He asked Marcus, his eyes wide with excitement.

  Marcus smiled and ruffled his hair. “Right this way, buddy.”

  Instantly, tears burned the back of my eyes. That was my nickname for Logan and no one else used it. Ever. I didn’t know if I was pissed or sad that he was getting someone else to call him that now too. Some irrational part of me wanted to scream that it was my name and he couldn’t use it. Fortunately, the rational side of me was still in somewhat control so I bit my tongue. Not soon enough for Marcus to miss the anger in my eyes.

  He frowned but turned back to Logan. “I made a room for you. Do you want to see it?”

  “Yeah!” Logan yelled and clapped his hands, jumping up and down like only a little kid can and hopped off down the hall. I followed, my curiosity piqued.

  My jaw dropped as soon as I stepped foot in the doorway. It was amazing. Perhaps I’d need to bring up the ‘don’t spoil the shit out of your kid’ speech earlier than I thought. With wide eyes, Logan and I both glanced around his new room in utter awe.

  A bed, that looked like a tree house was on one wall and underneath were two shelves of books. Hundreds of books. Over a dozen Lego sets sat in their boxes on one of the shelves, completely unopened. A bucket overflowing with cars sat in one corner, and a stack of board games and puzzles sat on another shelf. And on the dresser, sat his very own television, complete with a new gaming system and a stack of games.

  I was too terrified to look in the closet. Toys R Us had showed up and vomited all over the place. It was too much.

  Logan didn’t think so as he squealed and jumped. “Look mom! Daddy bought me Legos…all of them!”

  “I may have overdone it,” he said, smiling sheepishly. We left Logan in his room to enjoy the insanity.

  “You may need to reign that in a little bit.” Marcus frowned and I felt bad for chastising him, sort of. “I get it. You haven’t been around him and you want to make up for it. But I guarantee you – the only thing that kid in there wants – is your love.”

  Marcus nodded and walked me to the door. “So what are you doing tonight?”

  “I’m meeting Macy, Tate and their friend Dean out for drinks and dancing.”

  Marcus chuckled and ran his hands through his hair. “I can’t believe you and Macy are still friends. That girl was crazy in school.”

  I laughed at what I can only imagine the memories Marcus was re-living. Macy had been wild and crazy in school. She ran from party to party, boy to boy, with sometimes a girl thrown in to shake things up a bit, and still managed to make the Dean’s List every single semester. I often wondered why she ‘settled’ on working for Jack in the first place since her finance degree, grades, and sparkling personality could have gotten her a job anywhere. Not to mention that her dad was loaded and she probably had a trust fund and didn’t need to work. But she was all about making it on her own while having fun in the process.

  “She’s calmed down…..some,” I admitted with a small smile as I grabbed my purse. “You have my number if he needs me. He hasn’t slept away from home very much so if he gets scared, just call me and I’ll come get him. I’ll be here in the morning to get him. I don’t want you to have to bring him back.”

  “Emma,” Marcus put his hand on my shoulder. I didn’t realize I had been rambling until I forced myself to take a deep breath. “We’ll be fine. If I need help, I’ll call. I promise, okay?”

  I breathed again and nodded. “It’ll be fine.”

  He laughed as if he didn’t believe a single word I said. I’m not sure I did either.

  “Go.” He made a waving motion with his arm towards the door and I threw my hands up in defense.

  “I’m going, I’m going.”

  I heard his laughter after the door closed and smiled. Maybe Marcus wasn’t so bad after all. Besides, this co-parenting thing could be good. I’d get free nights out alone every once in a while which could only help my social life, and my monthly income would increase if I didn’t have to pay Penny so much. Not that I ever had to worry about that before, but suddenly focusing on my lack of income caused my mood to plummet.

  By the time I reached Sips, the club where I was meeting Macy and the guys, my mood had shifted from wallowing to planning. I had enough money saved where I’d be okay for a few months on my own, and I’d always considered going back to school. I could do this without any help from Jack. Logan and I would be just fine. At least that’s what I was going to continue telling myself. Hopefully, it would sink in.

  “Drink up!” Macy ordered as she slid me another shot. I threw the vodka straight back and grimaced while the alcohol burned its way down my throat. I coughed and took a swig of my vodka tonic, which didn’t help much.

  Macy smiled and Dean looked at me wide-eyed, concern etched all over his face.

  “You had enough yet?”

  I shook my head. My head had begun reeling of thoughts of Jack and the other night as soon as I saw the looks of pity on my friend’s faces and I was determined to keep drinking until my mind was completely blank. I was numb….just not blank yet.

  “Nope,” I said, popping the p.

  Macy threw her arms in air and cheered for me, almost smacking Tate in the face behind her. He moved her off to the side and set his beer on the table.

  “Do we need to go kick his ass, Emma?” He asked me with all the seriousness of a big brother. Dean crossed his arms and narrowed his eyes at me, looking fierce. And slightly blurry. Maybe it was time to slow down on the shots.

  I snorted. “Like you guys could do it.”

  I watched their faces morph into wounded ego expressions and laughed. “Seriously, guys. Look, I’m sorry. Jack was a prick, but that’s nothing I didn’t know was possible before I hopped into his bed. It’s over and everything will be fine.”

  I was a rotten liar and they all knew it. I wanted so badly to believe everything really was going to be fine, but no matter how many times I repeated it to myself, it wasn’t sinking in yet.

  I grabbed Dean’s fist and opened his fingers so he could hold my hand. “Dance with me.”

  I pulled him down to the
dance floor, stumbling on my heels the entire way.

  “You’re completely wasted,” he said as we got to the dance floor and began moving our hips close together.

  I was. I couldn’t deny it. I just wasn’t drunk enough yet to forget. No matter how many times I tried to brush Jack out of my head, I kept seeing visions of him professing his love for me in the back of the limo, before everything went to shit. For a moment, I thought I had found something special. Someone special.

  I turned around so Dean couldn’t see tears fill my eyes as I remembered the way Jack made love to me, the way he made me feel as soon as he put his arm around my waist, and the pain I felt when he took me so roughly in his living room.

  With my back to his chest, I tried to relax, wrapping an arm around the back of his neck, moving against him as I lost myself in the music. I kept my eyes open, worried that if I closed them, I would think he was Jack.

  One song turned into another and soon, I was starting to feel hot and sweaty, not having any idea how long we’d been on the dance floor.

  Slowly, one of Dean’s hands moved up to my neck and brushed my hair to one shoulder. I felt his breath on my neck, and then my ear.

  “If you weren’t so completely in love with another man, I might be willing to forget that I think of you as a sister.”

  My eyes widened and I spun around, shocked. Did he seriously just say that to me? With a mischievous grin, Dean grabbed my hand and spun me out into a full circle. I tripped on my heels and wobbled, grabbing onto his arm with my free hand before my ass landed on the dance floor. I squealed as my body swayed to the side, and I started falling but then Dean’s free hand grabbed my waist.

  I laughed at my mishap and stumbled some more as he pulled me back to him.

  “I’m just screwing with you, Emma. I just wanted to see you smile.” He winked and tapped my nose. “Let’s get you another shot.”

  “Drunk enough?” Macy asked as I reached our table. Tate’s hands were wrapped possessively around her waist and he was licking her neck, not bother caring – or noticing - that Dean and I had come back.