Desiree

by Roberta Gellis

  “Only for a share in the ships they take,” Alex said.

  “How much share?” Desiree asked. “And what if they cannot take a ship?”

  She was amazed that her voice was steady. She felt very strange. She was holding her cup of wine so tightly that her fingers ached a little because she knew if she set down the cup she would reach out and touch Alex. Her loins ached a little, too, and she had one flashing image of her legs locked around a warm body, which she suppressed. On the other hand, she was really interested in what to say to the fisherfolk and the possibility of partly owning a larger ship that might be used for trade.

  “I think offering restoration of any nets that are lost is a risk we must take,” Alex said. “And it will keep the younger, more daring men from taking chances they should not. We do not want too great losses among the fisherfolk.”

  “No, we—” Desiree’s voice cut off abruptly and she got hastily to her feet as Elias entered the room. “Frewyn?” she asked, terror in her voice.

  It seemed to Desiree that the only fit punishment for the pleasure she had taken in her sinful lust was that harm had befallen Frewyn. If it had, she would never forgive herself. But Elias smiled.

  “He has gone early to bed, my lady, and wishes that Father Harold will come to him if he is finished with his evening meal.”

  The priest rose at once, frowning a little. “I have had enough. I will go now.” He left a piece of his pasty, but he had finished his bread and meat. What remained of his wine he took with him.

  Desiree had also risen to her feet. “What is wrong?” she whispered.

  “Nothing, my lady, I swear it,” Elias said. “Perhaps my lord was a little fatigued, which is why he desired an early move to his bed, but he has suffered no further illness. His eyes are well open, he ate well, and he is in a very good mood. You remember, my lady, how he used to look when he had undertaken a scheme and it was working as he planned? That little smile he would wear?”

  “Indeed I remember.” Desiree’s voice was choked.

  “That is just how he looks tonight,” Elias said, still smiling. He shook his head. “I would not go to him tonight. He did not ask for you but for Father Harold. It may be, my lady, that the little scheme is for your benefit and that your presence will spoil it.” Suddenly the smile was gone and Elias’s eyes filled with tears. “Let him be happy, my lady. Let him be private if he needs to be.”

  “Do I hang on him too much?” she asked Elias, breath caught in anxiety and regret.

  The old man sighed and shook his head again. “I do not know, my lady. His face is so changed. Often it is grown hard for me to guess what he feels. I would say that usually he welcomes your company but of late, perhaps since the weather is growing milder, he fears you do not show yourself enough to your people.”

  “He has spoken to me about that, but…but I do not like to think of him alone, left to whatever would prey upon his thoughts.”

  “Oh, no, my lady,” Elias said, going toward the table to take food for his own evening meal. When he too had a portion of pasty and cold meat, he sat on the stool that Father Harold had vacated. “You need never fear that he is alone. You must not forget that Pollock never leaves him. When you are there he sits in the shadow, but when my lord is alone, he sits with him. Also Mistress Gudrun sits with him. She is with him now, while I eat.”

  “Gudrun? My old nurse?” Desiree giggled faintly.

  “Do not discount her, my lady,” Elias urged. “She has tended the helpless for many years and though most of those were babes—aside from your mother and some of the women in their last illnesses—and my lord is an old man, she often knows better than he himself does what will make him comfortable. Do not, I beg you, come hurrying home tomorrow for that will distress Sir Frewyn. Be assured that I and Mistress Gudrun and Father Harold will keep my lord from brooding on unhappy thoughts.”

  “But he will want to hear what we have done, will he not?” Alex asked anxiously.

  “Indeed he will, Sir Alex.” Elias smiled at him fondly. “Your reports are like a cup of good strong wine to my lord. He will be eager to know what my lady said and how her words were taken by the fisherfolk.”

  Suddenly Desiree could not bear to stand before Elias showing his fondness and approval of them both while her unhealthy and unholy desires burned inside her. She needed to see Frewyn, to speak with her dear husband, to remind herself of his goodness and of his dying body to quench the flickers of wanting.

  “But I planned to explain to Frewyn what we were going to say to be sure that he agreed,” she said. “And I want to know what he thinks about taking a ship if we can. If I may not go to him tonight…”

  “We did not plan to go to Cuckhaven until the afternoon when the fishermen will be home,” Alex reminded her. “You could explain what we hope to do in the morning.”

  He looked away as he spoke, seeming to examine the piece of pasty he had left on the bench, but Desiree understood that he was urging her to stay. She knew that they would speak only of ways to convince the fisherfolk to behave as would best benefit Exceat, that Alex would not seek out a new excuse to touch her hand—and she could not bear it.

  “That is very good,” Elias said, beaming as he speared a piece of meat on his eating knife. “I think my lord will be glad to see Lady Desiree in the morning.” He turned toward her. “I will come to you as soon as you are down from the women’s quarters, my lady, and let you know if Sir Frewyn is ready for you.”

  Alex flashed a single glance at her. Desiree swallowed hard and backed away. “Then I will go to my women. I fear I have neglected them recently.” Although she did not see any sign of movement, in her mind she saw him wince as though she had slapped him. She could not bear to hurt him. “Alex.” His head jerked toward her. She turned a brief smile on him. “Sleep well. I will see you after dinner tomorrow and let you know if Frewyn has any notions to add to our plan.”

  He watched her cross the hall to the tower stair that led to the women’s quarters. That last easy smile had done a little to loosen the hot knot of anxiety and desire that had tightened his gut since he so foolishly had touched her. He had only intended to give comfort, to assure her that she need no longer fear Sir Nicolaus. Instead, the touch had shocked him so that if Father Harold had not spoken, he would have betrayed his unseemly reaction.

  She felt it too. Alex cleared his throat uneasily. There had been a single startled flash of her eyes toward him and he had seen how her hand trembled when she raised it to cover a cough and to gesture for him to set her wine on the table. And she had cowered away from him—not so openly that Father Harold would notice, but he had seen the slight shrinking. And she had fled.

  Elias urged him to sit down again and finish his meal. Alex did sit, but he knew that he would choke if he tried to swallow. He managed a sip of ale.

  “Sir Frewyn is greatly relieved that you will ride out with Lady Desiree tomorrow,” Elias said. “He frets because she has spent so much time nursing him and has been unwilling to leave him and go out among the people.”

  Sir Frewyn, Alex thought, must be in his dotage to urge his girl-wife and me into company. But he did not say that. He said, “You may be sure that Lady Desiree will speak to the people and give the orders.”

  Elias smiled. “Yes, I am sure of it and so is Sir Frewyn, which is why he is so eager for her to go with you. He trusts you. Another might give lip service to ‘his lady’ but himself give all the orders so that to the people she would be a mere image, not to be attended and obeyed.”

  Alex nodded agreement, drinking from his cup of ale again as an excuse not to need to speak.

  “That happened by accident with Sir Frewyn when he first married her,” Elias explained. “My lord was deeply troubled when he realized what he had done because he knew…” Elias’s voice wavered and he cleared his throat. “He knew he would die long before his lady. But her father had made her near a prisoner and taught her nothing. While he taught her, Sir Frewyn of n
ecessity showed he was master.”

  “Ah, I see,” Alex said.

  Now he understood better why Sir Frewyn was so insistent that Desiree go out and show that she was the Lady of Exceat. He even agreed with the necessity. But it would take time to show that with Sir Frewyn helpless, it was Lady Desiree who ruled. Did he dare spend more time with her?

  Why not? Alex asked himself defiantly. He had said nothing and done nothing wrong, and neither had she. It was not a crime to feel a liking for the lady whom you served. He had liked, nay, he loved, Lady Alinor and she was little older than Lady Desiree. But looking at Lady Alinor, even though she was more beautiful than Desiree, had never heated his blood nor hardened his rod. Alex felt himself flush.

  Chewing vigorously on his last piece of meat and then on the dripping-soaked bread, Elias did not seem to notice Alex’s discomfort. He nodded and followed his own thread of thought. “Yes, Sir Frewyn had to give the orders, but after his fit it troubled him more and more that when he died he would leave her all but unprotected. He was overjoyed when Sir Simon brought you to Exceat.”

  Alex was a little surprised by the emphasis Elias had put on the word you, as if there were something special about his being chosen to be castellan. Surely no one thought that Sir Simon would name a dishonest or incapable man. The thought distracted him enough to loosen the knot of anguish in his throat, but before he could ask why he was considered special, Elias put the last piece of pasty into his mouth and stood up, chewing. He was smiling again.

  “I’ll go back to Sir Frewyn now,” he said. “It has been much easier to be with him since you came, Sir Alex. He has so much to think of and a greater hope for the future than he had since he fell ill. It is a great relief and joy to all of us to have you here and to know you will be with us still when…when…”

  “I am glad to be of use,” Alex mumbled, also standing.

  Elias blinked back tears, clutched Alex’s arm for a moment and then hurried away. The servants, having already cleared away their simpler evening meal edged forward. He handed his cup to the nearest and nodded at a request to clear away then hurried toward his own chamber.

  By habit, without thought, he lit a long twig at the fire and from that the candle in his chamber. With the door shut behind him, he leaned against it, biting his lips.

  The utter trust Elias showed in him was like a knife in his heart. Clearly the man had not the smallest suspicion that the castellan he admired had done the unthinkable. He had cast his eyes on his master’s wife—a master he honored and respected. And Sir Simon had warned him about the effects of spending too much time with Lady Desiree.

  Only she was so sweet, so utterly good, and clever too giving him hints on how to deal with the servants so they would be obedient and not so fearful if they made mistakes. Very well, there was no harm in admiring her; he admired Lady Alinor. But he had never tumbled into desire, into longing to taste Lady Alinor’s lips, to tangle his hands in her soft hair, to stroke her hips or suck her breasts.

  Alex shuddered. His loins ached. Worse than that, far worse, he had somehow—against his own will—communicated his desire to Lady Desiree and infected her with it so that she… He checked that thought, shuddering again. There was no help for it. He had gone too far. Now he must go, leave Exceat at once, tell Sir Simon that he was unfit to hold this post and that he must find another more worthy of his trust.

  Tears burned in Alex’s eyes and he put the heels of his hands against them to stem the flow. Behind his lids, he could see the peace in Elias’s face, reflecting Sir Frewyn’s increased wellbeing. How could he explain to Sir Frewyn why he must leave? He could not destroy Sir Frewyn’s trust in his wife—not that Lady Desiree had done anything wrong nor would she. Nor would he. But still, what he felt, what he feared…hoped…she felt, was a black sin.

  Alex took his hands from his eyes and stared at the flickering candle flame. The flame of Sir Frewyn’s life was flickering too. Alex knew he had made that flame brighter and steadier. He had seen some vigor flow into the old knight as he approved what Alex had done or offered advice for which Alex was sincerely grateful. To leave Exceat… An older, more experienced castellan might not want or need Sir Frewyn’s help or reassurance. The loss of purpose might be fatal to Sir Frewyn.

  To remain and allow what was within him to grow was wrong. But to leave Exceat was more wrong. Moreover, this was the very worst time to leave. If invasion came, it would come in the next few months. So what was more important, that he longed to take Desiree in his arms or that he make Exceat strong and obedient to her? Set in that way, the answer was obvious. Surely it was only because he wanted her that he had read desire in her? And even if it was not, a few weeks more would not matter if he could make her ruler in Exceat.

  Alex sighed, knowing that was not really true. If he must bring Desiree more often to give orders to Godric and Byford and perhaps to some of the men-at-arms directly, he and Desiree would need to spend more time together. The mess of joy and terror and disgust that roiled in him at that thought made him gasp for air.

  To douse his eagerness for the forbidden, Alex thought about men it would be safe for Desiree to command. Yes, he could use those old warhorses, Hring and Brydger, all the men respected them and were willing to follow their lead and yet Hring and Brydger were accustomed to taking orders from a woman, from Lady Alinor, and would think nothing of obeying Lady Desiree.

  If she could command the men-at-arms, she would not he defenseless when he left, when Sir Frewyn died…when she chose a second husband. Alex barely restrained the animal growl that rumbled in his chest at the thought of another man with the right to touch…to take.

  He pushed the ugly thought away and looked rather blindly for something to do. On a corner of the table lay his whetstone. He stared at it for a moment, then shook his head. He was in no mood for sharpening knives. He might be too tempted to stick the sharpened weapon into his own neck. But the thought of the weapon led back to the thought of men-at-arms. He must talk to Byford and Godric about Lady Desiree’s new prominence in the affairs of Exceat.

  He found them together near the front of the long, low outbuilding that housed the men-at-arms where they could watch both the men that were readying themselves to sleep and the door. The remains of their evening meal was on a bench between them, their feet stretched comfortably toward a lively fire, and cups of ale in their hands. Both started to their feet when they saw him, but he waved them down, hooked an extra stool forward with one foot and sat down.

  “We have a new problem,” he said. “It is not difficult or dangerous, but it will need your cooperation and understanding. You both know, I believe, that the holder of Exceat and its lands is Lady Desiree. Because she was very young when he married her, Sir Frewyn managed the men and the property. Now Sir Frewyn fears he will soon die, leaving Lady Desiree unprotected.”

  “Not while you are castellan, m’lord,” Byford said.

  Alex shrugged. “Castellans can be dismissed or called away to other duties. I am not vassal here. I do not expect to leave or be ordered away soon, not while there is a chance of invasion, but I must be sure that you, and through you, the troop will obey Lady Desiree.”

  “Ah…” Byford looked decidedly uncomfortable. “In an ordinary way, m’lord, yes, of course, I will obey her. She has never shown herself to be stupid or unreasonable, but for attack and defense…”

  To Alex’s surprise, Godric nodded agreement. “Lady Desiree is very gentle,” he said. “Did an enemy come and make dire threats about what he would do if she resisted, she might well bid us yield even if we could make a good defense. Sir Frewyn taught her about crops and something about trade and even fishing, but nothing about war.”

  “Yes,” Alex said, “I see that. I think I can explain to her that if she orders you to go seek a lost child or to defend a village, that you will obey her but—”

  “Within reason, m’lord,” Byford temporized. “I would like to reserve the right to leave enough
men in the keep to defend it if Lady Desiree should send us out.”

  “Of course.” Alex sighed. Nothing was ever simple. It would take years for the men to trust Desiree enough for her really to hold Exceat. He sighed again, and added, “I will explain to her that she must trust you in exactly what arrangements are made to follow her orders. And that she must trust you also to judge whether an attacker’s threats are serious or designed only to frighten a woman. In any case, Lady Desiree is no fool. I doubt she would try to give you orders in times of action.”

  Byford laughed. “And she is no Lady Alinor to have us skinned for disobedience, even if we were in the right.”

  Calling Alinor to mind, Alex grinned. “Have you ever found yourself in the right against Lady Alinor?”

  Byford shook his head, chuckling. “God, no. She was taught by her grandfather and I think knows more about battle stratagems than anyone but Sir Simon.” Then he frowned. “But for Exceat—we need more men if we must both defend the keep and send troops to fight invaders.”

  “Or fight off attacks from Lewes,” Godric added.

  “Yes, and we will start to recruit tomorrow afternoon. Lady Desiree and I, with a small troop, will go down to Cuckhaven and try to convince the fisherfolk to spend a few weeks in the keep to learn to use the short sword and perhaps the bow. We will also look out for merchants’ sons whom we can take into the troop.”

  “Fisherfolk are strong and brave,” Byford said.

  But Alex shook his head. “I do not intend to bring the fisherfolk into the troop, unless there are one or two who truly desire to join us. They will be more useful on their ships bringing us warning of any threat.”

  “Unless they’ve already met with the French on the narrow sea and taken their coin and their promise of immunity from harm,” Godric said sourly.

  “Are they likely to do that?” Alex asked sharply.

  “Done it in the past. When the old king ruled. I was only a boy then. We got raiders on shore, right up to the keep. We beat them off, but there was no warning.”