“Look at this,” said Bonnie as she handed the paper to Gina.
“Wow! Three hundred dollars! Where’d you get it?” Gina stared at the gift certificate from Macy’s in awe. She’d never spent that much money in a department store in her life. She doubted if Bonnie had either.
“David. Bzzz, bzzz. Do you think he misses me?” The girls giggled. “It’s not the marriage counseling I’ve asked him for, but it’ll do for now. First the new car, now this. Too bad he couldn’t find the money for these things when I was with him.”
Gina nodded supportively, stared at the zeroes on the gift certificate a moment longer, and then handed it back to Bonnie.
“I can’t wait to go shopping. Just gotta find a sitter. He shouldn’t have spent so much—but it’s a gift certificate so the money’s already gone. You won’t see me shedding any tears over it.” She slid the certificate back into her purse. “Now tell me about the kiss,” Bonnie said. “Every detail. How did it all happen? He must kiss good or you wouldn’t be obsessing so much.”
Bonnie picked up her burrito with one hand while she gripped her arm around Benjamin’s middle with the other. Suddenly Gina felt like the dinner floor show, and she wasn’t comfortable with the role at all. She was too conflicted about the events of last night to speak of the details with any relish. Further, she was annoyed that Bonnie had sized up her reaction to Kevin’s kiss so on target. She was obsessing, just like she always did. She’d always known that the least, most innocuous form of physical contact with Kevin would whet his appetite for her and complicate the delicate balance of friendship she had tried hard to maintain. What had not occurred to her until last night was the effect his kiss would have on her. Now that Bonnie was sitting in her kitchen, ready to listen as Gina had hoped she would be, Gina discovered that Kevin’s kissing ability and the white hot sparks they’d lit inside her weren’t something she wanted to share, not even with her best friend. Her feelings about Kevin had changed. Revealing secrets about Kevin and his amazing kissing ability didn’t feel right. She skirted the issue.
“Some things, Bonnie, just are. Natural laws kicking in. You plant a kernel of corn in the ground, you get a stalk and ears. The kernel is programmed to grow. When the conditions are right that’s exactly what it does.”
“Somehow, professor, I think you’re complicating a very simple matter. What’s corn got to do with kissing?”
“It was just a matter of the right conditions. Love had nothing to do with it. It’s like when you sit squished up next to a hot guy on a public bus. Your thigh gets tingly ‘cause your imagination kicks in. Your hips are too close, that’s all.”
Bonnie gave her a skeptical look.
“We just found ourselves alone in my apartment,” Gina explained, “after a romantic evening on the wharf—the water, the boats, the candlelight—you know how it is. Kissing is programmed into your genes. All you have to do is create the right conditions. It’s NOT love.”
“So with Kevin and you it’s all carnal pleasure. Lust of the flesh. Unbridled passion. Hot and heavy nights of—”
“Bonnie! Would you be serious?”
Bonnie was so outrageous. Gina laughed, but her mirth had a squirmy undercurrent. Deep within she felt uncomfortable making jokes about Kevin, especially sexual jokes. It seemed disrespectful. He was a perfect gentleman, more considerate of her than any guy she had ever been alone with. Something had shifted in her heart since last night. She was certain it was not love; she knew what love felt like, and no bells were ringing and the earth hadn’t moved beneath her feet as it had with Michael. This new feeling, ill-formed as it was, wasn’t ready to be captured in words. If she could just put it into words she could make sense of it, categorize it. Respect. Was that what it was?
Benjamin looked up from his sandwich and laughed with them, though he was too young to understand a word. Sarah slept on.
“Is that what you’re worried about? That your relationship is becoming physical?”
“No … I’m not really worried that it’s becoming physical. I would never let that happen. I just never thought the physical aspect would become an issue. I shouldn’t be kissing guys I don’t care about.”
“Relationships change over time,” said Bonnie. “You might come to care for him.” The mood sobered a bit. “But you didn’t really think you could spend a lot of time with him and have it not become an issue, did you?”
“No, I suppose not. I think I’ve been conscious of it all the time, and was always guarding against it. I don’t know where my mind was last night. I was upset about something else. He took me off guard, that’s all.”
But what she was thinking was that her reaction to his kiss took her off guard. Kevin’s actions were predictable, but she didn’t like to admit that aloud, even to Bonnie. If Kevin’s actions were predictable and she wasn’t interested in him physically and all the usual ways between men and women, why was she still seeing him? She didn’t want Bonnie to ask. Gina felt like a hypocrite. But then again, until last night the physical aspect had been his problem, not hers. Last night had changed everything.
“All I know is, it’s an issue now. I don’t like to think that I’m so weak that I’d let a guy kiss me just because I’m seduced by his cologne or because I get tingles when he stands too close or ... because he looks good in dress blues, especially in candlelight.” Gina was brought back for a magical moment to the table by the window at Alioto’s, Kevin’s handsome face smiling at her in soft candle glow. She could still see the romantic lights twinkling below them on the water. Until they’d returned to her apartment, it had been a lovely evening. Was it just the romantic trappings that had made her knees turn to jelly when he put his lips on hers? It couldn’t have been wine. She hadn’t ordered any.
“You analyze too much,” said Bonnie as she tried to wipe peanut butter and jelly from Benjamin’s face. He had sticky stuff smeared from ear to ear. He impishly jerked his face to the side to dodge the napkin.
“I suppose so. It was never like this with Michael.”
“Yes, I know. Everything was better with Michael. You’ve said so at least a hundred times. Why do you keep mooning over that man? It’s over, Gina, isn’t it?”
There was a long silence. Gina stopped eating and let out a big sigh. “I didn’t end it,” she said. “He did. He was ready. I wasn’t. It goes on for me.” She’d merely spoken the facts; she hadn’t meant to whine. Gina saw the compassion in Bonnie’s eyes, but right now she was too distracted with the events of last night to get all worked up and teary-eyed over Michael. Besides, she was tired of crying over a ghost.
The girls ate in silence for a while. Benjamin’s eyes were half-shut and his head was slumping over. Bonnie strained to keep him from flopping onto the table.
“You know,” said Bonnie, adjusting Benjamin on her lap to support his head, “even if Michael still casts a big shadow over your life, it isn’t fair to Kevin to make him live in it.”
No, it wasn’t. Yet that’s exactly what she had accused her parents of doing, and they hadn’t even met him yet. Hypocrite, that’s what she was. Not to mention a weak-willed silly who let a guy kiss her because the moment was romantic and because he looked masculine and imposing in his dress blues. It didn’t help that he complimented her endlessly and worshipped the ground she walked on, or that she was lonely all the time and Kevin was always ready for a movie or dinner or a drive to Santa Cruz. He appealed to her needy side, that’s all. She was lonely and he was lonely and she was available and he was available. Theirs was a platonic friendship based on mutual exchange and mutual need—anything but love. That’s all there was to it. It was wrong to take advantage of his company, the extravagant restaurant meals he treated her to, or, and her heart beat a little faster when she admitted it to herself: his unbelievably exciting kisses. She had become the worst kind of friend to Kevin because she couldn’t come through with what he wanted most, a mutual return of affection that involved a pounding heart and sweaty p
alms. She was ashamed that she had let this farce go on so long.
“You’re right. I don’t know what I’m going to do, Bonnie. Michael broke my heart, but Kevin is making me crazy.”
In the melancholy silence that followed, there was a knock at the door. Gina removed the napkin from her lap and got up to answer it. When she opened it there was Kevin, standing on her stoop wearing his moldy suit and a smile. She had become accustomed to seeing him enrobed in green slime, but today she could have sworn that his tie had little cheese balls on it, which looked for all the world like they had been rolled in finely chopped nuts.
Crackers, anyone?
“Missed you at church,” said Kevin.
“I had to run home to prepare lunch. Bonnie and the kids are here.” She jerked her head toward the kitchen behind her, never taking her eyes off his tie. “Kevin, there are cheeseballs all over your tie.”
“Cool, isn’t it?” Kevin looked down and smoothed his cheeseballs with pride. “National Cheeseball Day. Actually it was yesterday, the seventeenth, but I had to wait till today to wear it with my suit. When I was a kid my Aunt Nat and Uncle Walt used to take me and my brother and sister to Wisconsin every summer to vacation in their cabin on the lake. I like to wear it. It reminds me of them.”
“So you wear it only once a year?”
“Every April seventeenth.”
That meant three hundred sixty-four days a year he didn’t wear it. There was always something to be thankful for.
“Come in, Kevin. We’ve finished eating.”
Kevin stepped through the door, and as he did, Benjamin opened one droopy eyelid then let out a yell.
“Kebbin!”
In an instant Benjamin was wiggling himself down from Bonnie’s lap and running to Kevin, who swooped him up high, above his head, and spun him around. Benjamin squealed in delight. All the commotion woke Sarah, who took one look at the unfamiliar surroundings and the six-foot cheeseball swinging her brother at the ceiling and started to wail, her shrieks filling the little apartment. Bonnie picked her up to soothe her.
“Sorry to wake the baby,” said Kevin as he gently put Benjamin down on the living room carpet. Benjamin grabbed onto his leg and looked up, beaming.
“Oh that’s alright,” said Bonnie, smiling prettily.
Gina was incredulous. Wasn’t this the same guy Bonnie had suspected of being a serial rapist just a few months ago?
“Come on, Benjamin.” Kevin coaxed. “If you let go of my leg, we can play with the balloons.”
But Benjamin wasn’t ready to sit down. A look of distress crossed his face. “Pee,” he said, clutching his pants.
Gina looked at Bonnie, puzzled. “No diaper?” Gina mouthed. Gina squirmed at the thought that she was discussing bodily functions, especially male bodily functions, in front of Kevin. She’d grown up in a houseful of girls where boys were treated like creatures from outer space. There was much speculation about their characteristics and habits though no one ever had any real contact with them. She was extremely uncomfortable discussing boy things in front of boys, especially if they involved a boy thing.
“We’re potty training,” said Bonnie, as if that made everything hunky-dory.
Gina blushed and suddenly decided it was time to get the dirty dishes off the table and into the sink. Bonnie stopped pacing with Sarah and moved to grab Benjamin’s hand. But Kevin interrupted.
“Come on pal,” said Kevin to Benjamin. “All the big boys use the bathroom. I’ll show you how.”
Bonnie and Gina looked on in amazement as Kevin took Benjamin’s hand and marched him into Gina’s bathroom. In a minute, through the door the girls heard a lot of giggling on Benjamin’s part interspersed with Kevin’s deeper voice and all the usual muffled bathroom noises, except that they heard the toilet flush at least five times, each time followed by Benjamin’s ecstatic, “Do it again! Do it again!” When the boys came back out Benjamin’s face was all smiles.
“I killed all the bad guys,” he announced. “We boomed their boats.”
The girls’ faces were blanks. Sarah’s screams were quiet sobs now, coupled with chest-heaving hiccups. Bonnie set her down on the floor, where she started to crawl toward her brother.
“We used the flush mechanism to fire torpedoes at enemy subs,” said Kevin as he jerked his index finger up and down. “Bombed ‘em right out of the water. Boom! But don’t let it go outside these walls. It’s the Navy’s newest weapon. Top secret.”
Gina looked at Bonnie, whose adoring eyes said it all. Something inside Gina snapped. She had had enough.
“Kevin, you like being with kids?” she said.
“You know I like kids. Especially big bruisers like this one,” he said, ruffling Benjamin’s hair affectionately.
Benjamin laughed and grabbed onto Kevin’s arm. Kevin threw a balloon at him.
“Good. Then perhaps you wouldn’t mind watching Benjamin and Sarah while me and Bonnie go shopping.”
“Well, sure, I’d be happy―”
But Gina already had her purse in her hand and with a whoosh reached down to the kitchen floor to get Bonnie’s. She grabbed Bonnie’s arm and made eye signs at her to be quiet.
“Thanks, Kevin,” said Gina as she opened the front door.
Her mouth was set, grim and determined. She dragged Bonnie onto the stoop and quickly shut the door behind her. Gina could hear fresh howls from Sarah inside her apartment. A pang of guilt gripped her chest, but she hardened herself to ignore it. Bonnie turned back toward the apartment, listening, but Gina grabbed her arm again and pulled her toward the curb.
“She’ll be fine. We’ll call and check on them from Valley Fair,” Gina said, but she too paused a moment, listening. “I know what I’m doing. Please trust me.” Then she half walked, half ran to her car.
Bonnie looked puzzled but uncharacteristically followed Gina’s orders. Before Bonnie had even slid into the passenger seat Gina had fired the ignition. Bonnie shut the car door, turned to stare through the window at the apartment door one more time, and then turned toward Gina.
“Gina, what are you doing? You just dumped my kids on Kevin!”
Chapter Eighteen
Valley Fair Shopping Mall, Santa Clara
“Ending it,” said Gina, as she turned the wheel of her little Austin and went roaring down Lincoln Street.
“Like this?”
“Yes, like this. I’m tired of him thinking I’m an angel in blue jeans. This is the most lopsided, illogical, bizarre relationship I’ve ever been in. He adores me, Bonnie. Worse, he thinks I’m perfect. I keep giving him clear signals that I’m not in love with him but he doesn’t take a hint. He calls constantly. Several nights a week I spend half the night on the phone with him. My grades are falling. Or he keeps coming around my apartment. Then I get lonely or run out of food and in a moment of weakness I agree to go out with him, and it starts all over again. And now I’ve got to deal with this kissing problem. If I’m alone with him again I’m not sure what might happen. I’ve tried to break it off more than once, but somehow the pain goes on and on. After today I know I won’t hear from him again. It’s over.”
Gina spoke with contrived conviction. She had to. What was done was done. But her heart was beating fast with dread and guilt. She was aghast at her own behavior.
“So he does kiss good! I knew it!”
Gina could barely keep back a smile. “I don’t kiss and tell," she said. "Let’s just say that Michael was plain vanilla. Kevin’s a hot fudge sundae with whipped cream.”
Bonnie’s eyebrows shot up.
“And nuts and a cherry,” said Gina.
Bonnie continued to stare, a wicked grin beginning to spread across her face.
“Extra nuts.” Gina’s smile got really big now.
“Hmmm,” said Bonnie. “That can be good or bad.” But the mischievous look in her eye and her playful tone said she thought it was good.
“Meaning?”
“A good kiss is good, unequ
ivocally good. But a good kisser may be benefitting from loads of experience.”
“Oh no, it’s not like that with Kevin. He’s never had a girlfriend. He told me I’m only the second girl he’s ever dated.”
“And you believe that?”
“I’ve seen how he dresses for dates.”
“Well then, aren’t you being kind of harsh?” said Bonnie.
“Yes, I am, but that’s the whole point. I want him to get a truer opinion of me so he’ll decide on his own that I’m not the one for him. He needs to come to that conclusion for himself or this insane relationship is just going to go on and on. He’s in love with the person he thinks I am, and I’m just lonely and weak. This is sick.”
“I don’t know. This doesn’t sound like the best way of handling things to me,” said Bonnie, shaking her head. “And this isn’t like you.”
“See? I told you!” Gina said, taking her eyes completely off the road. “Kevin makes me crazy! Obviously this is not the best way to end things. But I can’t think of anything else. And it’s not like I planned it. It just came to mind. You’re not worried about Benjamin and Sarah, are you?”
“No, not at all. Kevin’s great with kids. But I don’t think we should stay out too late.”
“We won’t. There’s enough peanut butter and jelly to keep the kids happy, milk too. But Kevin has to get back to the ship tonight, and it’s seventy-five miles. We’ll stay out just late enough to get him disgusted and worn out. Angry too.”
Gina turned left on Stevens Creek Boulevard. “Here we are,” she said as she turned her little Austin into the Valley Fair parking lot. “Look out Macy’s, here we come.”
Vicariously spending three hundred dollars on fine clothing and shoes should have thrilled Gina, but she was too horrified by what she’d done to Kevin and too distracted about the inevitable confrontation with him to enjoy herself. While her clothes horse friend tried on one pretty outfit after another, each more stylish than the last, Gina couldn’t enjoy the fashion show because she was becoming increasingly sick with dread. Her stomach ached from the stress. She had been brought up to be endlessly polite; it was entirely against her nature to take advantage of someone the way she had. The whole scenario felt terrible. It was terrible, and she was terrible for instigating it. They should have thrown a sleeping bag into her confessional box at St. Justin’s. She didn’t like ending her relationship with Kevin like this. But, as Heaven knew, she had tried everything else.
The Lesson Page 23