R.P. Gannon - Barney, Willey and Oscar 01 - Geezer Paradise

by R. P. Gannon

  It was after seven when we pulled into Sofie’s driveway. I was looking forward to some of Sofie’s home cooking and a nice soft bed.

  Eduardo had told Sofie we would be bringing Snydely back with us. She met us at the door and welcomed us in. “It’s good to see you again, Mister Snydely, She said. “I hope you’ll forgive me for scaring you the first time we met, but I have to be careful. Some of the people who stay here, their lives are in danger, and it’s my job to protect them. I hope you’ll understand. It was nothing personal.”

  Snydely still looked a little dubious, but he said, “That’s quite understandable, Ma’am. Think nothing of it.”

  “Thank you,” Sofie said. “Please, everyone sit down. Supper is almost ready. We all sat around the kitchen table while Sofie placed plates of steaming hot food in front of us. It was pork chops smothered in a red sauce with mushrooms and peppers, and loaves of freshly baked bread. Sofie fussed over Oscar, putting a bib on him and cutting his meat so he could eat with his fingers.

  Sofie kept looking at Willey’s dark hair and beard. Willey had to make up a lame excuse about looking younger for his new license photo. We couldn’t tell her we broke into Flaherty’s house. That would make her an accessory after the fact.

  The next morning Sofie went shopping for groceries. We offered to pay for them, but she said she got reimbursed by the government. When she came home we helped her carry in the bags. She had a big smile on her face as she reached into her purse and took out two tickets.

  “I ran into a friend of mine who sells real estate,” she said. “She gets free tickets for different things and she gave me two tickets to see Tom Jones this afternoon in Tampa. Are any of you Tom Jones fans?”

  Nobody said anything, so I said, “Sure, I’ll go. I kind of like his music.”

  Sofie smiled and said, “Lunch will be ready in a few minutes.” We all went out on the back deck to get out of her way.

  “Looks like you got yourself a date tonight,” Willey smirked.

  I said, “Shut up you old goat. You’re just jealous.” Willey hee-heed.

  After lunch Sofie came out of her room wearing a peach colored pull over jersey and jeans. She had her hair done up in the back and I noticed she had put on a little lipstick. We just stared. She looked like a young woman—and her jeans fit her just fine. “Ready?” she asked.

  “See you later,” I said to Willey, Snydely, and Oscar. I opened the door for Sofie and we were off to see Tom Jones.

  The Pavilion was lit up like a Christmas tree. Crowds of middle aged and older women were streaming in. It was definitely an older crowd—nobody under fifty. Tom Jones was sixty-five years old, and his fans were that old or older. Sofie wasn’t the only grandmother in the audience. There were a lot of grandmothers there, and they were excited. You could see it in their faces.

  We got good seats in the middle of the floor and settled in. I looked around. There were a few men in the crowd, but it was mostly women. The curtain went up and we were entertained by a band that had a black male singer who was pretty good. That went on for a half-hour. I noticed there was an old man sitting in front of us. He was staring straight ahead. His face was expressionless. He didn’t smile, he didn’t applaud. He was obviously deep into dementia.

  I thought, that’s nice, somebody went out of their way to take the old guy out for the night. It didn’t matter that he didn’t know what was going on, at least he was out and among people.

  Then the time came. Tom Jones came running out on stage singing, “She’s A Lady.” Everyone jumped to their feet, screaming and applauding. Sofie, too. I stood up just so I wouldn’t look out of place. Then the crowd started to dance in place. Two plump, middle aged women next to me were swinging white pillowcases over their heads, dancing and singing along with Tom. What did the pillowcases mean? Did it mean they wanted to sleep with him? Then I noticed the pillow cases had more than one opening … and then it came to me. It wasn’t pillow cases they were swinging—it was their panties. They were swinging their big bloomers around. Everywhere I looked there were older women swinging their panties over their heads. Those closer to the stage were tossing their undies onto the stage.

  Suddenly I realized the old guy with dementia wasn’t in his seat. Had he wandered off in all the commotion and nobody noticed? And then I saw him. He was standing up, dancing like a teenager, a big smile on his face. It was like the night of the living dead.

  Sofie was having a great time, singing and dancing along with the music. She didn’t look like a grandmother then. After the concert we stopped at a hotel and went in to the bar to have a drink. As we walked Sofie put her arm in mine. I felt like a teenager again. We took a table and ordered our drinks. We talked about how strange it was that we were both carrying guns at an age when we should be sitting on a porch in a rocking chair.

  “Yes,” Sofie said. “Sometimes life throws surprises at us, but Eduardo keeps me young. He always finds something for me to do. He knows I love to feel that I’m helping him. He takes good care of me. My son and his family live in Chicago, so I seldom get to see them. But I can’t complain, they’re all healthy and they call me often. Do you have any children, Barney?”

  “No, we never did,” I said. “But I can’t complain either. I have my health and I manage to keep busy so I don’t get bored.” Mostly I keep busy trying to outrun my creditors. I leaned in a little closer and said, “Tell me about Tarpon Springs in the old days. I want to write an article about it.”

  Sofie’s face grew sad at the mention of the past. “It was a wild place then,” she said. “And the men risked their lives diving for the sponges. Too many young men were brought to the surface dying from the bends, bleeding from their eyes and ears. My husband was one of them. But I had family here, they took care of my son and me.” She paused for a second, deep in thought. Then she said, “The city has come a long way since then, but I still remember those old days with a sense of longing.” Just then we heard a commotion behind us. We turned to look. Tom Jones had come into the bar and people were flocking around him trying to get his autograph. We decided it was time to leave

  ****

  Snydely was fuming. How could they leave him alone with only a senile old Cracker for protection? He might as well be on his own. He looked around, Willey and Oscar were watching television. Willey didn’t care if Snydely lived or died. His only hope was to escape from these clowns. He would be safer on his own. He had a gun, it was time for him to leave and take his chances. If he waited any longer Flaherty would find him, and that would be the end of him. He sat quietly, planning his escape. Willey and Oscar were drinking beer. Soon Willey would have to go to the bathroom. That would be Snydely’s chance. He would slip out of the house and run for his life. It was his only hope.

  Fifteen minutes later, Willey got up and headed for the bathroom. Snydely got up and patted Oscar on the head. “Goodbye, Oscar. Take good care of yourself.” Oscar smiled at Snydely. Then Snydely went out the door. In an instant he was gone, with the door closed behind him. He didn’t want Oscar to get out and get hurt.

  ****

  When Sofie and I arrived at her house after the concert, we stopped at the front door.

  “Thank you, Barney,” she said. “I had a wonderful time.”

  She looked prettier than ever in that light. “Me too,” I said, and leaned in to kiss her. It was a slow, lingering kiss. Was it my imagination or were my dentures sliding around? Just then the door flew open and Willey came running out.

  “Where is he?” Willey yelled. “I just went to the bathroom for a minute and when I came out he was gone.”

  He had lost Snydely, damn. Now we wouldn’t get paid. “Check out the back deck,” I said.

  “I already did. He’s not there.” Oscar came out to see what all the yelling was about. I grabbed Oscar’s hand and said, “Let’s go look for him. He can’t have gone very far.”

  The four of us piled into the Wrangler and headed toward the center of town. A
s we drove down Athens Street Sofie said, “There he is.” Snydely was on the left side of the street, almost at Dodecanese Boulevard. Then he seemed to disappear. I parked the Wrangler illegally on Athens Street, and we all got out. We looked down the Boulevard. Snydely was nowhere in sight. The right side of the Boulevard was waterfront with the sponge boats at dock. The left side was shops. They were all closed. We were the only people on the streets. I knew there was an open air mall called The Sponge Exchange that wound around through alleyways behind the shops, and exited out onto Dodecanese Boulevard ahead of us. It also exited onto Athens Street behind us.

  “He must have gone into the mall through the street entrance here,” I said. “There’s another entrance down Dodecanese near that little cigar stand. Willey, you and Sofie go watch that entrance in case he tries to come out there. I’ll take Oscar and check out the mall from this entrance.” They hurried down the Boulevard toward the other entrance. I grabbed Oscar’s hand and we went back up Athens street a little way, and into the mall entrance.

  We came in through a wide alley, then the mall opened up into a courtyard. Snydely was nowhere in sight. In the middle of the courtyard was an old sponge boat sitting in a cradle. It was a tourist attraction. Oscar and I walked all around the courtyard, looking in all the dark corners. Snydely wasn’t in the courtyard.

  I took Oscar’s hand and we started toward the other entrance. We had looked everywhere … except, could Snydely be hiding on the sponge boat in the courtyard? We walked back to the boat. I looked up. The name on the side said, Agean Isles. It was about forty feet long and it was cradled in a recessed pit so it wouldn’t sit up so high the people wouldn’t be able to see the deck. The pit had a low railing to keep people from falling in. Oscar and I walked all around the pit, Snydely wasn’t hiding there. I wondered if Snydely had climbed up onto the boat and was hiding there. I didn’t want to try scaling the side of the boat so I stood Oscar on my shoulders and he hopped aboard. Oscar looked down at me. “Find Snydely,” I told him. He seemed to recognize the name and he went off down the deck toward the bow. A minute later I heard Snydely say, “Leave me alone, I’m not going back.” Oscar came back to the rail and looked down at me as if to say, what should I do now?

  “Snydely,” I said in my sternest voice, “You come down from there right now.”

  “What are you going to do if I don’t … keep me after school?”

  I decided to lay some guilt on him. Maybe that would work. “Listen, you ungrateful turd, we’re risking our lives protecting you. The least you could do is cooperate.”

  “Is that why you left me unprotected and ran off with Sofie? Leaving me with nothing but a crazy old Cracker and Oscar to protect me?”

  He had me there. “We were only gone for a few hours,” I whined. “It wasn’t my fault, Sofie wanted to see Tom Jones … you saw how she looked in those jeans.” No answer.

  “Oscar,” I said. “Go and try to get him again.” Oscar just stared at me. I shooed him away, waving my hand, and Oscar went off again. I waited and waited. No Oscar, no Snydely. Willey and Sofie came around the corner, they must have gotten tired of waiting for us.

  “He’s on the boat,” I told them. “Oscar’s up there now, trying to get him down.” Just then Oscar appeared at the rail and smiled down at us. Then Snydely was there beside him. He had changed his mind. Maybe he decided he would be safer with us than he would be alone.

  “How am I supposed to get down from here?” Snydely asked.

  “How did you get up?” Sofie asked.

  “I forget, I think I climbed up on the back.” We all moved to the back of the boat. Snydely threw one leg over the rail and fished around for something to stand on. Step on the rudder,” we all said at once. Snydely’s foot finally found the huge wooden rudder, and he started to climb down. Oscar swung down behind him like he lived there and the rudder was his back stairs.

  Snydely was quiet as we walked back to the Wrangler. I breathed a sigh of relief. We had almost lost our jobs. Willey, Oscar, and Snydely, got in the back seat. There really wasn’t enough room back there. I looked in the rear view mirror. Oscar was standing between Willey and Snydely. Oscar had his arm across Snydely’s shoulders. Snydely didn’t seem to mind.

  Chapter Twenty-One

  THE NEXT MORNING I noticed Oscar was scratching his ears a lot. I looked closer and saw his ears were red inside. Sofie looked up the number of the nearest veterinarian. Willey and Sofie stayed behind to watch Snydely, in case he decided to run again. I loaded Oscar into the Wrangler and drove to the business section of Tarpon Springs. I parked at a meter, dropped a few quarters into it and Oscar and I walked into the vet’s office. It was a pleasant little waiting room with lots of colorful pictures on the walls and an aquarium filled with brightly colored fish swimming back and forth. There was a large tabby cat sitting on its owner’s lap, watching every move the fish made.

  Three other people sat waiting with their animals. There was a young boy holding a glass fish tank with a large yellow snake in it. I figured he got the snake to scare his mother. Judging by the fact that nobody was sitting next to him, not even his mother, I’d say it was working. I went up to the counter and gave the young girl my name, and Oscar’s name. She entered our information into the computer.

  “Please take a seat Mister Smith,” she said. “The doctor will see Oscar as soon as she can. Call me paranoid, but I didn’t feel safe using my right name. I sat down next to the kid with the snake and held Oscar’s hand, so he wouldn’t wander off and get into mischief.

  The kid looked at Oscar and said, “Cool.” I thought he might try to trade his snake for Oscar, but he didn’t. Oscar kept giving the snake the evil eye. The snake glared back at him. The people in the waiting room smiled at Oscar. Oscar worked the room, smiling back at them. Thirty minutes later we got in to see the vet. Doctor Lipton was a pretty young woman, probably just out of college. She smiled when she saw Oscar and led us into the examining room.

  “Hello, Oscar,” she said. “I love your outfit.” She picked him up and sat him on the table. “What can I do for you?” she asked.

  “He’s been scratching his ears,” I said.

  “Let’s take a look.” She picked up a flashlight and looked into both of Oscar’s ears. “He has some ear mites,” she said. She opened a drawer and took out a small tube, and a small, brown bottle. She opened the bottle and poured some of the liquid onto a piece of gauze. She wiped the inside of Oscar’s ears. Then she opened the tube and squeezed some ointment onto another piece of gauze, and rubbed that into Oscar’s ears. She handed the medicine to me.

  “Use these twice a day. It should clear up in a few days.” Then she gave Oscar a thorough check-up. He was healthy. I thanked her and we went out into the waiting room again. I was almost up to the counter to pay the bill when I saw her. There was another monkey there—a girl monkey. Oscar had already seen her and was headed her way. I knew it was a girl monkey because she was wearing a yellow polka dot sundress and her owner had clipped a yellow bow on top of her head. Oscar was smitten. He stood there and stared at her with a big, goofy smile on his face. I was going to have trouble getting him out of there.

  The girl monkey’s owner was an exotic looking woman in her fifties, with piercing black eyes, a prominent nose, and streaks of gray in her raven black hair.

  She was well dressed and had the look of someone who didn’t have to worry about money.

  “Hello, young man,” she said to Oscar. “This is Lulu.” She patted Lulu on the head. “And what is your name?”

  “His name is Oscar,” I said. “We didn’t expect to see another monkey here. This is a pleasant surprise for Oscar. I haven’t seen him this happy for a long time.”

  “They do seem rather taken with each other, don’t they?” the exotic lady said. “Lulu hasn’t been around other monkeys for quite some time.” The woman held out her hand, “I’m Evelyn Hampstead,” she said.

  I shook her hand. “I’m Barney McGe
e, glad to meet you.” I didn’t think she would be a threat, so I didn’t mind using my real name.

  “Lulu is a descendant of the monkeys in the Barnum and Bailey Circus,” she said. “My family were circus people way back then.” I was surprised that she was so friendly and outgoing. Most people these days are afraid to talk to strangers. It’s a shame.

  She seemed hesitant for a few seconds, then she said, “Mister McGee, have you ever given any thought to breeding Oscar? He’s such a perfect specimen.” So that’s what she wanted. I looked at Oscar. He was almost drooling over Lulu, and Lulu seemed to feel the same way. It was monkey love, how could I refuse. Of course, Oscar was Willey’s monkey, not mine. But I was sure that Willey would agree.

  I said, “I’m sure Oscar would like that. Maybe we could get them together sometime.”

  Evelyn said, “Unfortunately, it’s not that simple. The female has to be in heat to be receptive.” Lulu looked very receptive from what I could see, but I’m not an expert on monkeys. This woman seemed to know what she was talking about. “It would probably take about a week for them to couple,” she said. “Would you mind leaving Oscar with me for a week or so? I promise I’ll take good care of him.”

  “I’m sure that could be arranged,” I said. “When would you want him?”

  “Would it be possible for me to take him with me now?”

  I thought that over for a few seconds. I couldn’t let Oscar down. “Yes, that would be alright,” I said. I handed her Oscar’s medicine. “Oscar has ear mites, would you mind?”

  “Not at all. I’ll take very good care of him.”

  “I’ll give you my number,” I said. “Just call me when you want me to pick him up.”

  “Thank you so much, Mister McGee. I’ve been looking for the perfect mate for Lulu for a long time. But I haven’t been able to find the right one. Oscar is just perfect.