R.P. Gannon - Barney, Willey and Oscar 01 - Geezer Paradise

by R. P. Gannon

  Willey took the chicken off Thomas’ chest and grabbed him under one arm. “Take his other arm, Barney, and help me get him inside.” We took him inside and sat him at the kitchen table. I turned some lights on.

  “Barney,” Willey said. “You know what he was doing with the chicken? He was going to hang it on my door to scare me. You know, Voodoo, Black Magic … Santeria. It wasn’t Flaherty that was trying to scare us out of here, it was him. He’s the one who planted the fake bomb under your house. If it was Flaherty, he would have used a real bomb and you wouldn’t be here now. He’s the one that threw the bottle of gasoline at my house, too. Now he’s trying Voodoo.”

  Willey turned to Thomas. “Why are you doing this, Thomas?” Thomas just sat there with his head down, studying his shoes.

  “Thomas,” Willey said. “Answer me.” Thomas was silent. Willey went over and woke up Oscar, who had slept through the whole thing. He walked Oscar over to Thomas and stood him there.

  “Thomas,” Willey said. “This is Oscar.” Thomas stared at Oscar, but said nothing.

  “Oscar’s an attack monkey,” Willey said. “If I give him the command he’ll jump on you and bite your nose off, then your ears. “And then he’ll pluck your eyeballs out of your head. Thomas’ eyes got wide, but he just stared at Oscar and said nothing. Just then Oscar put his hairy hand on Thomas’ knee and smiled at him, showing all his large, sharp teeth.

  “Hold ‘em back!” Thomas screamed. “I’ll tell ya, jest take that demon monkey away.” Willey put Oscar back in his chair.

  “Alright,” Willey said. “And you better tell us everything.”

  “I needed the money,” Thomas wailed.

  “What money?”

  “From that builder guy that wants ta buy the park.”

  “You mean Flaherty?” Willey asked. “Why would he give you money?”

  “His lawyer come ta see me a while back an said as soon as they bought the park they’d pay me two million bucks for my farm. I need the money. That’s why I was tryin’ ta scare you guys away”

  “Why do you need the money?” I asked.

  Thomas looked at me. “Cause it’s two million bucks, that’s why. What would you do fer two million bucks?” He had a point. For two million bucks I’d probably run around with a dead chicken, too.

  “How did you know we were trying to stop the sale?” I asked.

  “Mary tol’ me when she come over ta buy some vegetables.”

  “Was it you that tried to run me down with that big black car?” I asked.

  Thomas looked confused. “No, I din’t try ta run nobody down. I don’t even drive.” I believed him.

  “But you put that bomb under my house, and threw that bottle of gasoline at Willey’s house, and dropped those snakes into Willey’s kitchen, didn’t you?”

  “I din’t mean no harm. I wuz jest tryin’ ta scare you guys off.”

  “Thomas,” Willey said. “John Flaherty is dead and his company is out of business. So he won’t be buying your farm.”

  Thomas looked up at Willey. “He’s dead? Are ya sure?”

  “Yes, I was there when he was killed.”

  “Damn, I never get a break.” Then Thomas mumbled something, almost to himself. It sounded like, “The end of the Night Stalker.”

  “What?” I asked.

  “Nuthin,” Thomas said.

  Willey said, “Thomas, why don’t you go home and leave us alone? And take your chicken with you.” We helped Thomas out of the chair and walked him to the door. Thomas shuffled on home.

  “Imagine that crazy old coot trying to scare us out of here,” Willey said.

  “He almost did. And Flaherty finished the job.” After Thomas left we called it a night. I walked back to my own place. A falling star shot across the night sky. Was that a sign of good luck? I hoped so. I locked the door behind me and crawled into bed. It felt good to be home again.

  The End