A Vagrant Story

by Paul Croasdell

  It was in those moments, as Maria lay across the bag, she looked to the end of the driveway where Sierra sat. Maria stared at Sierra with total absence of emotion in her eyes. To the child they felt like damming, hate-filled eyes.

  Sierra could remember her feet moving backward as though the look itself pushed her away. For some great visible distance their eyes remained locked even as they became further and further from one another. When Sierra did eventually lose all sight of those flashing ambulance lights in her driveway, she turned and kept walking the other way. Neither of them, not Maria or Sierra, could have known she would never go back.

  Sierra walked some time before using pocket money to board a bus. Without direction she rode the bus for as far as it would go, her only distraction a single piece of unfurled paper she’d been clasping some time. It was John’s suicide note. She must have taken it from the scene.

  Under blinking aisle lights she read it again and again as if it could illuminate these events happening around her. It didn’t. All the same she kept on reading. She would have liked to memorise this as the final massage left by John, but the general structure was so formulaic as to have been written by anyone. She could almost guess the next words before reading them.

  “I’m not really sure who I’m writing this for. I don’t want Sierra reading this at her age, and Maria, I’m not sure if she’d care anymore. Funny now, writing this I realise how few friends I’ve made in my forty plus years of life. I would have liked to have directed this at someone. But I can guess I’ll just write it to you, whoever you turn out to be. My head’s not together so it’s not a masterpiece, but I guess it wouldn’t be no matter how hard I tried. So here it is - my very own diatribe. Don’t worry, it’s shorter than most.

  “The money issues have gotten worse. I’m jobless and my writing isn‘t changing any of that. At this point it costs too much to send them out just to receive rejection letters - so many now. They never bothered me before but now they do. I decided to quit writing last week. I just have to face facts, even if I have lived in denial this long. It was my one great joy in life, but I guess the muse never really found me. Realising that was, I suppose, the icing on the cake for me. That’s when I decided to write this one last piece.

  “When it boils down to it everything changed in one day. Things were never great to begin with, of course, but when I woke up that morning I never would have guessed I’d be going to bed without Maria. She was a flame of warmth against all those bad things – I didn’t realise it until she left. Fool. Her friends were right when they said I didn’t deserve her.

  “Sierra … I don’t know what to say to her or what message I should leave. Shows the kind of person I’ve been all my life. Sierra deserves a better father. I couldn’t even look after her right. I hope … as she grows she’ll forget about me, forget this sorry old man she used to know. Sierra … I’m so sorry I tried to love you.

  “I know this is the New Year, and we’re all supposed to be happy, but I have to do this when I’m at my most low. This is it now.

  Goodbye.

  Signed – Jonathon Simes.

  Chapter 23

  Sierra spent her last tears crying against the table. She wiped her face dry then looked back to Maria, who waited patiently drying her own tears.

  Sierra looked into Maria’s eyes and she in turn looked into hers. There they each saw a window back to that night some ten years ago when last they saw one another. So it seemed that same expression which drove Sierra away, still hung in her eyes. But what the child had recognised to be hate the adult saw as despair, a feeling of sadness so deep the child in her failed to comprehend – a hopeless kind of loss.

  Maria never looked at her with hate in her eyes that night. She never meant to push her away. She merely offered up her one present feeling at the time.

  Had Sierra taken a moment to check at the time, she would have noticed the same expression lodged in her own eyes. She never knew it then and only realised it now.

  Sierra never ran in fear of hate. She ran from all the unknown things to follow that alien expression. She ran from unspoken words she failed to understand. She ran from everything her life would become starting that night. That night her life changed in ways she didn’t understand, so she ran.

  Maria smiled across the table. Sierra smiled back. In an instant they both sat at full composure and finished their meals.

  “I miss him so much,” Sierra said. “I wish I could go back and be nicer to him.”

  “It wouldn’t be real. We already lived our lives together, don’t get lost in wishful thinking or it’ll pull you down too.”

  “Can’t see much lower than this. I was always afraid of living … I guess now I’m living dead.”

  “Sierra?”

  “I was too afraid … that’s why I ran away. John never made any threat to give me back to the agency. He treated me like a human. I felt safe knowing I would never go back to that place. At that age I didn’t understand a lot of the things going on around me, but I did know that with John gone they would take me back to the orphanage. That was the one feeling I recognised at that time. It was the only thing I could relate to. So I ran away rather than go back there. I was afraid … of a lot of things.”

  “I would have let you stay with me.”

  “Really?”

  “Of course. I mean, we did fight an awful lot but we had some good times. I wouldn’t have let them take you back to any orphanage.”

  “You mean that? Thank you.”

  “Forget about the past, come stay with me now,” Maria said. “I mean, if you’re in trouble you can come stay with me.”

  “Why would there be trouble?”

  “Sierra … your clothes.”

  Sierra eyed her own heat insulated wrappings. Style had become something of an unknown to her after all this time. She had come to forget the difference between casual pedestrian attire and the rags she wore day in and out.

  “Well … it is pretty cold out.”

  “And just how long has it been cold?”

  Sierra shied into herself, peeping quiet as a mute.

  “Well … if your apartment is that bad then all the more reason to stay with me.”

  Sierra nodded. “Not yet. I have to go back to my friends.”

  “You seem quite invested in them. They must be good friends.”

  “They are. I came out all this way with them. We’ve been walking for days.”

  “You walked out here? Sounds like quiet an adventure.”

  “It’s more a string of misadventures. A few days ago we all agreed to do something, now we’re out here and we’re not quitting till it’s done.”

  “So I won’t be seeing you again for a while. Well … I have waited ten years just to see you now. This time it won’t be so hard a wait.”

  “Don’t worry. I’ll come visit you … once I finish what I came out here to do.”

  They parted ways on that note. Maria left Sierra a letter detailing her home number and address, and two more of them for insurance purposes. She actually lived on the other end of the city now. She happened to be passing on her train route when she decided to stop and reminisce.

  Sierra took her time returning so as to enjoy the moment that passed. She felt a little lighter, so she moved in a lazy, clumsy manner to indicate such.

  She couldn’t help think of that bus journey all those years ago.

  She rode it all the way to the end of the line, to the city centre, near Middle Park. It was the first bus journey she’d ever taken on her own. Strange to think it had proved to be the last. Even as she grew older she never really ventured far from Middle Park. It was such an easy place for a tramp to earn a living so she never saw the point in going further. It was the first true journey she’d ever taken, running away from home to escape a suicide. Strange to think another suicide would start her on her second big journey, and finally bring her home.

  Busy wrapped in her own ponderings Sierra found hers
elf back at the bridge before realising. She came across Rum clambering up the ladder back to the sidewalk, followed by Alex then Henry. As if preparing for a marathon the three men began stretching their limbs, grunting for unfamiliar pains in their muscles. Sierra couldn’t help giggle for the sight.

  Having heard the titter Rum turned to address Sierra as she approached. He seemed about to ask where she’d been all this time when he noticed something else. “You been crying?”

  Sierra made a quick go at wiping her eyes clear even though she’d been doing so since parting with Maria. She’d made every effort to wash away the evidence. It was a wonder how this old man noticed.

  “Don’t try hiding it,” Rum said again. “If someone hurt you I’ll bust his face open.”

  “Protection when I need it – who’d have thought? Thanks Rum, you’re always around.”

  “What’s that? Quit acting weird.”

  “Nothing happened. I ran into someone I used to know – that’s all.”

  “Who?”

  “That’s for me to know.”

  “That’s right. Run into one of your old school chums and all of a sudden old Rum ain’t so good for you.”

  Sierra laughed openly.

  “Yeah, go on laughing. You should know while the three of us been sitting around here freezing our asses waiting for you, we’ve lost two hours on the clock. Now we’re stuck here.”

  “You’re right, I’m sorry for making you wait. But we’re not stuck. We’ll just have to make up for lost time.”

  “Afraid it’s already too late, Blondie. Looks like God ain’t up for granting easy passage.”

  Rum let his finger do the explaining by pointing to the sky. Dark clouds were massing on the area fast, and even as they stood there specks of falling snow reappeared all around them. The storm was coming as quickly as last night’s snowfall ceased. So it seemed they would finally have their blizzard.

  “Hiding under a bridge won’t help,” Sierra said. “We better get walking.”

  In an effort to stem any protestation, Sierra walked ahead to kick start them into motion. Like ducklings to their mother they followed without thought.

  “What d’ya know,” Alex said, “old Len was right after all. Suppose I owe him some credit.”

  “No worries,” Rum replied. “The man’s a bullshit artist and he knows it.”

  Henry crept up beside Rum and Alex. “S-speaking of which, Rum, we only woke up a few seconds ago.”

  “Can it!”

  Chapter 24

  The weather made a turn for the worst. A wall of white flurry began cascading from the skies, drenching the path in snow a foot thick. At least it might have been the path, they couldn’t see much save vague outlines of buildings and themselves.

  Sierra’s forward march lasted only so long. The downpour coming in hard, she found herself pushed to the back of the group. Even Henry moved faster than her, though he did so by walking behind Rum’s relatively larger frame, who unknowingly acted as a shield on Henry’s behalf. Alex, his outline at least, had vanished from sight. They didn’t worry about him. Being the largest of the group he had more advantage against the wind than both Rum and Henry combined.

  Rum’s trench coat lacked buttons so he pinned it closed with both hands. He moved little by little with his movements slowed by the downfall and feet plummeting into deep snow.

  “Sierra!” he called without answer. “Sierra, you there?”

  “What?” Sierra’s muffled voice called back, belted into silence by a roar of wind.

  “W-We need shelter!”

  “I can’t hear you!”

  “I said we need shelter!”

  “Rum, I think we need to find shelter! T-this isn’t what I was expecting. T-This reminds me of that hurricane that hit ten years ago.”

  Rum looked back to Henry. “What did she say?”

  “S-Something about a h-hurricane!” Henry replied.

  “What hurricane?” Rum yelled back to Sierra.

  “Y-you remember the hurricane ten years ago? It happened before the night we first met. It was the strongest s-storm to hit the city, I remember looking out my bedroom window and seeing cars being pushed down the street. My neighbour even swore he saw a pink car flying through the air! Isn’t that weird?”

  “Pink car!?” Rum yelled. “What the hell are you talking about? I can’t hear you.”

  “What!?”

  “What you say, Sierra?”

  “D-did someone say something to me?” Henry yelled.

  “Sierra, can you hear me!?”

  “No I can’t hear you, Rum.”

  “But you heard … Screw it.”

  Alex reappeared like a being from another dimension, diving from the thickness of the flurry to stand before them. All this time he had been walking in front of them when they thought he’d fallen behind. At first he couldn’t speak over the gales so he yelled his highest.

  “I found shelter! People are starting to take shelter in a shopping mall near here!”

  “It’ll do!” Sierra cried.

  “How come y’heard him?” Rum added.

  Alex retraced his steps, leading them to the main doors of the mall. Barrelling open the glass double doors he found himself falling into the main hall of the mall. It was a darkly lit hall but brighter than the light outside. He breathed a queasy sigh of relief when the others followed suit shortly after.

  The four took a moment’s breather. The three men squeezed the damp from their clothes and unwittingly made puddles all over the tiles. Sierra shook snow off, but at once scolded the others upon noticing the mess they were making.

  “What did we do now?” Alex asked.

  “Look at yourselves! Don’t draw attention or they’ll throw us out.”

  “I don’t think that’s going to be a problem.”

  Sierra followed his gaze toward the crowd of people gathered throughout both floors of the mall. Her fears of being singled out ceased when she realised all these people were just like them. They weren’t homeless. They’d merely been beaten down so bad as to pick up a few similar traits.

  These people stood around sniffing enflamed noses, warming hands over what heat they could find, and no longer caring for filthy drenched clothing. And they all wore big thick coats, extra layered for added warmth. It could have been a charity lunch set up like those in Middle Park for all appearances. How the owner of this place must have felt to wake up with a shopping centre, and go to bed with a refugee camp. Time makes fools of everyone like that.

  Sierra relaxed with this atmosphere. She liked feeling big among bigger people. Most of all she liked how nobody stared at them. When they entered the shop they could have been greeted courteously by a door greeter, had he not skipped off work to avoid this rabble.

  Sierra sighed. “Alright … looks like we’re in the clear. But remember, Rum, just because they look like bums, doesn’t mean they want to fight you. They’re normal people and don’t work on the same ranking system as you.”

  “Right - they got their own one,” Rum said. “But it ain’t my problem if they got the problem. They start – I finish.”

  “Don’t worry Rum,” Alex said. “It’s so dark in here they won’t be so inclined to wanna punch your ugly face.”

  “The hell that supposed to mean?”

  “Just saying it’s dark in here, the power must be out. No wonder, half this city’s power is built on outdated junk. All it takes is a strong gale and the whole grid goes flat.”

  “That all you’re saying? Well the lights are on up there,” Rum said in reference to dim lighting on the second floor which hardly reached their location.

  “They must be running the backup generator. See how dim they are? The battery must be getting low. But they’re lucky it works, I suppose. Remember that hospital me and Henry went to? I once heard that their backup generator conks out every time it’s activated. They can’t even afford a decent backup generator. I’d hate to think what’s happening the
re now.”

  “From what I gathered through our experience there,” Rum said. “The doctors would probably just lock all the patients in their rooms so they can’t hear anything. Then go off drinking.”

  “I’d like to take that as a joke but I had the same thought. It’s pathetic how something nobody really needs, like a shopping centre, can receive a fully functioning backup generator while a hospital gets scrap metal.”

  “Ain’t no accident. Thing is, this shopping centre is privately owned and the hospital ain’t.”

  “So the shopping mall receives more funding than the hospital?”

  “That ain’t even the thick of it. The thing is – see - in reality this city has two competing industries, only two. One is a multi-market corporation spanning its influence over everything it needs to survive. It wants to grow bigger, it wants more money, and to do that it needs to remove all competition. It began small-time here in this city and since grew to encompass over half the city’s industries. They own the trains we used to get here, electrical companies, shopping malls like this, you name it. But it wasn’t always like that.”

  “Yeah, once upon a time the government used to pay for all those things.”

  “But public industries get in the way of business so the private sector began focusing on damaging their credibility. They took the best engineers to their own side to make the public trains fail. They took the best cooks so small time mom and pop restaurants went bust. And right now they’re working on stealing the best doctors from the city’s public hospitals to make their own one appear better. All the while the members of public stand back watching the public hospitals get worse and the private ones get better. Who do you think they’re gonna choose when little Jimmy gets typhoid? Money wouldn’t be an object, and they know that. By cutting out the alternative the company can do what they want. At this stage of the game their only remaining competition are the public sectors. Hell, why am I telling you about them? Chances are you probably worked for them at some point … if writers ever work.”