Remember Me Always

by Renee Collins

  “It’s a farewell video for the seniors,” I say, pointing the camera at her. “Say your goodbyes. They’ll always remember your awful hair.”

  As I film the boisterous group, my eyes fall to one of the girls who has stepped out of the circle a little. She’s glaring at me. Barely trying to hide it. It takes me aback a little. I try to pretend I don’t notice but mentally try to place how I know her and why she’d possibly be angry with me. She’s a sophomore. We barely know each other. I think her name’s Sara Drake, but that’s about all I know.

  Luckily, the first bell rings, and the crowd disperses. Sara Drake disappears into the crowd of students heading to class. I walk back to my locker to put my camera away. I guess I need to say goodbye to it as well. After removing and pocketing the SD card, I gently place it back in its carrying case. Maybe it’s silly, but I’ve loved being historian. That’s one of the few perks of going to a tiny school like Orchardview High. It’s much easier to be a big fish in this small pond.

  And ponds don’t get much bigger than California. I’ll be a pretty puny fish there. The thought makes me nervous and a little sad.

  The feeling lingers the entire day. After school, I walk through my empty house with a tightness in my chest. Maybe it’s just a sudden rush of nostalgia, but wish I’d brought my camera to film my house. The living room, where I watched my movies in the early days, sitting cross-legged on the carpet. The kitchen, where I ran lines with Grace for my first school play. My bedroom.

  I smooth my hand over the dingy wallpaper and try to push this feeling down. But in the back of my mind, I’m aware that this will be my last night sleeping in this house.

  Tomorrow is Thursday.

  I’m in a daze at school the next morning but not in the way I was just two days ago. I’m not floating and dreaming of California. I’m scanning the halls and faces, trying not to freak out at the thought that I am about to leave everything I know.

  At lunch, I carry my tray to my usual spot with heavy footsteps, expecting to be alone again. But to my surprise, Grace and Brad Corbin are there. She’s sitting with her legs across his, laughing at something he said. When she sees me, her smile softens. Something about that simple gesture strikes me right in the heart.

  “Didn’t expect to see you two here,” I say, walking over.

  Grace shrugs. “I told Brad we should eat at school more often.”

  Brad gives me a wry smile. “She thinks you and I could get along. Apparently, we’re both sarcastic.”

  “Perfect,” I say, with a short laugh. “Now we can join forces and annoy her twice as much.”

  I sit down beside Grace. She moves her legs off Brad and faces me. “We think you should join us this weekend for homecoming.”

  I’d been vaguely aware that was this weekend, but for obvious reasons, I hadn’t paid much attention. I press my fork into the wilting side salad that came with today’s lunch, hoping she doesn’t see the twitch in my expression.

  “I’ll think about it.”

  Grace sets her hand on my arm. “Come. There’re going to be a whole group of us. We’re going to dinner in Riverside. And then up to Kelly Brewer’s parents’ cabin after the dance. It’s going to be really great.”

  “That sounds fun,” I say, trying to sound as sincere as possible.

  And it does sound fun. In that moment, I’m struck by how little I’ve actually seen Grace in recent weeks. And now I’m leaving. The thought twists in me. We should have done so many things. One last trip to get milkshakes and onion rings. One last night talking in my room until two in the morning. I even wish I could go to one last school dance.

  But I won’t be here Saturday, of course. By tomorrow morning I’ll be in California.

  “So, you’ll come?” Grace asks, her expression hopeful.

  “Sure,” I say. “Count me in.” But I can’t meet Grace’s eye.

  “Yay!” She reaches over to give me a hug and speaks words for me only “I just want my best friend back.”

  The lump tightens in my throat. “Me too.”

  Grace pulls away and carries on telling me about their awesome plans. Brad chimes in with the occasional sarcastic remark, as promised. Had this lunch taken place a few weeks ago, I’d have thoroughly enjoyed myself. Today, however, knowing everything I know, it fills me with an overwhelming sense of melancholy.

  Grace gives me a quick, one-arm side hug on her way to class, completely unaware that she might never see me again. I almost reach out to her to say something. I almost tell her. I’m leaving to go to Hollywood, Grace. Tonight. This is goodbye.

  But I can’t do it. And maybe it’s better this way. I’ll call her tomorrow morning when Auden and I are on the road and miles from Orchardview.

  I carry my somber mood to rehearsal. On Wednesday’s practice, the sight of Mr. Lyman only confirmed my choice. Today, his resigned half smile twists the knife deeper. He’ll find another Juliet—I’m pretty sure Bailey Perkins knows the part. It’s more of a feeling that I’m betraying him by getting out when he never could.

  When he sees me, however, his eyes brighten and he motions me over.

  “What’s up, Captain?”

  He grins. “I have some news for you. But you’d better sit down first.”

  I lift an eyebrow but do as he suggests. He glances around to make sure no one else is listening, and then turns to me.

  “I couldn’t stop thinking about our conversation last week,” he begins. “About you, actually.”

  “Really?”

  He nods. “You have talent, Shelby. Real talent. Maybe I never went and lived my dreams in New York, because I knew this was the level of work I’m suited for.”

  “That’s not true—” I start, but he holds up a hand.

  “It is. But we’re talking about you. You’re meant for bigger things than Orchardview. We both know that. And though I may not have lived in New York or LA, I do have connections. I went to a theater convention a few years ago in California. Long story short, I have a friend who works out there as a talent scout. He’s got some pretty significant clients and connections with major studios and casting directors. Anyway, I gave him a call. Told him all about you. And…” Mr. Lyman loves to pause for dramatic effect.

  “And?” I ask, my mouth going dry as sand.

  “And he’s coming to opening night to scope you out!”

  I’m speechless. Mr. Lyman raises his eyebrows. “Well?”

  “Wow. I’m shocked.” And terrified. And dismayed.

  He smiles. “This is big, Shelby. There are no guarantees, of course, but he’s the real deal. Impress him, and you could have some serious opportunities.”

  All I can do is stare. My brain’s going a hundred miles an hour. Then Ana Guerrero informs Mr. Lyman that we’d better get started. He calls the cast to the stage. I follow, but I’m lost, falling in a downward spiral of my own thoughts.

  I don’t want to see it. I don’t want to feel it. But I can’t deny that doubt is crawling into my heart.

  After rehearsal, I gather my things in a daze. As I shoulder my backpack, my phone buzzes. I pull it out just in time to miss the call. There are two other missed calls from Auden. And several texts. My hand tightens around my phone. I suddenly feel like I going to be sick.

  Cam comes up beside me, and I jam my phone back into my bag.

  “Geez, Shelby,” he says, with the tang of irritation on his voice. “You were really out of it today. What’s wrong?”

  “Nothing… I’ve got a lot on my mind, that’s all.”

  “What else is new?” He mutters under his breath.

  I scowl at him. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

  “I’m sorry, but it’s true. You’ve been in your own little Shelby world for a few weeks now. You never want to hang out. You always rush away right after practice. What’s going on?”
>
  Having this conversation is officially the last thing in the world I want. “I’m having monthlong PMS. It’s a rare medical condition.”

  “Oh,” he says, taken a back. “Sorry, I didn’t know.”

  I almost break my eyes from rolling them so hard. “I was being sarcastic, Cam.”

  After a beat, he says, “Right.”

  I can’t help laughing, and thankfully, he sees the humor and joins in. I hate to say it, but I’m going to miss this guy.

  Instead of heading straight home, I drive through the shady streets of my town. One last time. My hands feel clammy as they grip the steering wheel. Everything around me suddenly seems too good to leave. Orchardview. Grace. The scout. Cam. My street. My house. Even Mama.

  Maybe I’m not ready. Maybe I don’t really want to leave.

  Not yet anyway. Maybe Mr. Lyman has presented me with the perfect compromise. If this talent scout likes what he sees and wants to work with me, I won’t have to go to Hollywood with only a hope and a prayer. I’d have real work.

  Or maybe the talent scout won’t think I’m good enough, and I’ll be stuck here, never getting the chance to leave. And besides, going to California isn’t just about living my dreams. Or even being with Auden. It’s a fresh start for me in a new place—a place where no one will try to change who I am.

  I must be having cold feet. That’s perfectly normal before making a major life change, right?

  It’s like I’m moving through wet cement as I walk up to the front door of my house. The weight of this decision hangs on me, and I’m stuck.

  “Shelby.” Mama’s voice comes from the dining room. I jump, dropping my keys. Brow furrowed, I peer around the dividing wall.

  “Mama? What are you doing home?” She wasn’t supposed to be here for at least two hours.

  Seeing her face, an alarm immediately goes off in my heart. She sits at the kitchen table, her fingers laced together, eerily calm…

  “Come here,” she says.

  “Is everything okay?” I sit carefully on the chair across from her.

  Then I see it. Auden’s jacket. The one he took off the other night as we kissed on my bed. Mama lifts it from the floor beside her and sets it on the table.

  “Saw this on the floor of your room the other day. Didn’t know quite what to make of it.”

  Breath evaporates in my lungs. He left in such a hurry. How could I not have seen it? He must have accidentally kicked it out of view when he scrambled off my bed. I stare at Mama.

  “There was this little voice in my head when I saw it. And I knew I had to look into it.”

  The jacket lies there on the tabletop like a rattlesnake about to strike. Mama’s expression darkens.

  “I made a few calls and it seems he got out early on good behavior.”

  I have no words to give her, but I’m sure my face must say it all.

  Mama leans forward and speaks in a chillingly calm voice. “How long have you been seeing Auden?”

  Chapter 25

  When it comes to fight or flight, with Mama, I always pick flight. Apologize. Say what she wants you to say, and get out of there.

  But in this moment, I can’t move. Or maybe it’s that I won’t move. I’m tired of giving in, of taking my lashes and keeping quiet.

  “Answer me,” Mama says through gritted teeth.

  The irony of her demand causes a harsh, bitter laugh to escape my lungs.

  “You want answers from me?”

  Mama’s brow furrows, but I’m emboldened.

  “I’ve had nothing but questions and confusion for the last month, and you are the reason why. And yet there you sit, furious, demanding answers from me?”

  She starts to respond, but I talk over her.

  “Okay, I’ll answer your question. How long have I been seeing Auden? I believe it’s been two years.”

  Her lip curls slightly at my tone. I lean forward, pushing my hand on the table. “Isn’t that right, Mama? Or did you mean how long have I been seeing him since you erased my memories?”

  “He hasn’t wasted any time filling your head with lies,” Mama says, shaking her head.

  “So it’s a lie that we dated for two years?”

  “I’m not trying to say it was.”

  “Then is it a lie that you had my memories of him erased without my knowledge while I thought I was only having the accident erased?”

  Her eyes flash. “Yes, that is a lie.”

  I push myself away from the table. “Oh please. Are you suggesting the memories vanished on their own? Or that Dr. Stevens decided to throw that in for fun? A bonus package? Two major life events erased for the price of one!”

  “Sit down,” Mama snaps.

  My fists clench. “No.”

  “You don’t understand what’s going on.”

  “You’re absolutely right about that, Mama. That’s the most accurate statement I’ve heard in weeks.”

  Mama stands. “You want truth? You won’t get it from that boy. I bet he’s conveniently avoided telling you that he spent the summer in prison.”

  “He did tell me that, actually.”

  “And he told you why?”

  “Yes.”

  Mama’s smirk fades. “He did?”

  “Yes, don’t be so surprised that someone would be completely honest with me. I don’t judge him for running away. Who can blame him for wanting to leave this stupid town?”

  Mama sighs heavily. “Oh, Shelby.” The sympathy in her voice makes me squirm. She shakes her head, her expression hardening. “That’s not why he went to prison. He lied to you. That’s what he does.”

  My anger burns strong. “You’re just saying that. You’d say anything to turn me against him.”

  “I can prove it.” Mama’s eyes are dark. “Auden went to jail for a hit-and-run. He killed someone. Edmund Drake. You were in the passenger seat when it happened. That was the accident we erased during treatment.”

  Her words are like lightning, striking me right in the heart. My skin burns from contact. My vision blurs. All sound fades aside from a sharp ringing in my ears. I take a staggering step backwards.

  “I don’t believe you.”

  “Auden is the one who would say anything to get you on his side,” Mama says.

  My legs feel weak and shaky. “You’re lying,” I stammer. “You’re just trying to scare me.”

  Mama sighs heavily. “I thought this moment might come. I checked with Dr. Stevens first, and he said it would be okay to show you, if you ever regressed, just so long as you don’t look at them for too long.” Without another word, she walks into her room and comes back with her laptop in one hand and a file folder in another. She tosses the file on the table and flips it open.

  Black-and-white newsprint glares up at me. My eyes go to the headlines of two clipped articles. LOCAL MAN KILLED IN HIT-AND-RUN ACCIDENT

  And then: RECKLESS TEEN CHARGED IN DEATH OF ORCHARDVIEW MAN

  There’s a picture with the second article. Even in the grainy newspaper image, it’s easy to see Auden being led out of a courtroom, hands cuffed behind his back.

  And lightning strikes again.

  But this flash is undeniable. I’ve seen this exact moment. I was there as they led him away.

  I remember.

  I stare up at Mama, open-mouthed. She sighs, opening her laptop.

  “Contrary to what you might think, it doesn’t give me any pleasure to dig this up.” She seems to be searching for a file on the computer. “There’s a reason we took the extreme measures we did to erase all of that for you. I didn’t want you to suffer like you were. Blake and I agreed that we would talk about the accident and your life before the treatment as little as possible. Anything to prevent the memories from coming back.”

  She turns the laptop screen toward me. I hal
f expect to see bloody images of a crash scene. Instead, it’s a video. From Mama’s phone, I assume. I’m sitting across from the doctor’s desk, looking completely broken.

  She clicks play, and the sound of my own voice, weak from crying, sends a chill down my spine.

  “I want it all to go away,” Video Shelby says.

  Only Dr. Stevens’s hands are in the camera angle. “Now, you understand that this memory erasure is permanent. There’s no going back.”

  I nod shakily, wiping my eyes. “I want to forget him. I want to forget everything.”

  Video Mama says something to Dr. Stevens, but the audio is too muffled to make out. Then the footage ends.

  Mama closes her laptop slowly.

  “The day of the accident, you were in a terrible argument. You were trying to break up with Auden. Grace was at the same Halloween party, and she saw him yelling at you. You were trying to leave, but he wouldn’t let you. He made you drive with him. He was so angry that he didn’t watch where he was going and didn’t see Mr. Drake until it was too late.”

  All I can feel is the bang, bang, banging of my heart against the walls of my chest. I shake my head, backing away.

  “You wanted to forget him, Shelby. After what he did to you. After what he did to that man. You begged for us to erase him.”

  The room spins around me. Darkness seeps into the corners of my vision until there’s only a tunnel ahead. My knees give out, but I don’t even realize I’m falling, until I catch myself on the back of the couch.

  Mama’s on her feet, her eyes wide. I hold out a hand to her. Not to beckon her closer, but so she doesn’t come any closer.

  “I only wanted to protect you, Shelby. I would never have stirred all of this up if he had kept his distance.”

  Almost as if he could sense what was going on, Auden calls my phone. I know it’s him without even having to look. Mama does, too, and has her hand in my bag before I can even straighten myself.

  “Mama,” I say, my voice strained.

  She pulls out my phone and lifts it to her ear. I’m shaking, but no words come out.

  Auden’s muffled voice speaks my name before Mama cuts him off.