by B. M. Hardin
It wasn't like I was getting drunk.
I’d also lied about the number of men that I’d let play in my sandbox; but that was only because I didn’t think that he would understand.
I didn’t want him to see me as some Jezebel or a woman who misunderstood how valuable and precious her ruby actually was.
I’d always known its value; hence is why I’d always tried to use it as though it had secret powers or something.
But nevertheless, my lies were small, compared to whatever it was that Shelton was hiding.
And let’s be clear, those lies had all came before our marriage; I hadn’t told a single one after...other then little white ones.
But at this point, I was over it.
If he wanted to keep a few secrets, fine, I would simply get a few more secrets of my own.
After all, divorce just wasn’t an option.
I wouldn’t do that to Mackenzie, and let’s be honest; I just wouldn’t do that to myself.
Two husbands were more than my share; and if I had any say in the matter, there wouldn’t be a third.
I could only pray that things eventually, returned back to normal.
Pray.
Now, that’s something I hadn’t done in a while.
At that very moment, I fell down on my knees and I began to pray for strength, patience and anything else I could think of that might help me get through these trying times.
My life had been spared twice in only a matter of months, so it was obvious that I had a purpose.
I was sure that my life still had meaning, and no longer could I waste a minute of it, not even a second of it, wondering about things that I probably couldn't even change.
At this point, it was simply time to let go of all the worrying, wondering, confusion, and prying and just...move...on.
I just wanted a little peace…and letting go was the only way that I was going to get it.
I spent a few minutes more telling God all about my troubles and then I decided that I didn’t need keys to go where I wanted to go.
I could walk.
Forty pounds down felt good, and there wasn’t any point in putting the weight and pounds back on.
Hopefully I could keep them off, so I changed my outfit, and my shoes, grabbed my phone, put some money in my bra and headed out the front door.
I had to leave the door unlock, but in our neighborhood, and with our nosy neighbors, I was sure that the house would be just fine.
Walking, I didn’t have a clue as to where I was going, but I was okay with that.
I was simply enjoying my view.
I was especially enjoying the breeze as it played tag with the loose strands of my hair.
When I was a little girl, I loved the outdoors.
I could stay outside for hours.
I didn’t have to be playing; I could simply just be sitting, listening, to all of the different sounds of nature around me.
The sound of birds chirping was something that I had always loved the most.
The way the clouds moved into different images or the way the trees always rustled in the wind always seemed to relax me.
My love for those things never changed as I got older.
Outside was where I thought and reflected on my life the most.
Briefly, I started to think about the attack and near death experiences.
You would think that I would have been scared to walk down the street; but for some reason, I wasn’t scared at all.
No one was going to make me fear taking a walk on such a beautiful day.
No one, not even Shelton was going to keep me stuck in the house as if I was on house arrest; especially when I wasn't the one committing the crimes.
Although I did wonder if the stroll was too much for my body, so soon after a miscarriage, it was too late.
I was a block away from home and passing right by the church.
Of course, Shelton was there… as always.
There was only one other car in the parking lot beside his; one that I didn’t recognize.
It was a tan Mercedes Benz.
I figured with a car like that, it must have been someone very important.
It could have even been another Pastor.
Church members loved their Pastor’s.
I know ours sure did.
They didn't mind coming together and blessing Shelton in anyway that they could.
There just wasn't a price tag or dollar amount on their love.
I passed by the church and continued my journey up the street.
A few ladies of the church lived along the way; but I didn’t bother to stop by for a visit.
I didn’t want anyone ratting me out to Shelton so I headed to the community park.
I sat on a bench all alone and smiled at the children who appeared to be having the time of their lives.
They ran and laughed as a feeling of peace and joy entered my body and remained there for the next few hours.
It wasn’t until the growling of my empty stomach that I figured that it was about time to head back home.
Stopping at a store along the way for a snack, and something cold to drink, I walked slowly, thinking about my marriage.
I decided that I was going to try getting through to Shelton one more time; but in a different way.
I was going to tell him about my deceased ex-husband and about the hundred plus men that I intentionally excluded from our conversations about past sex and lovers.
Lord, I wasn’t exactly sure about telling him about my love of wine just yet; but I was prepared to if that meant that by hanging all of my dirty laundry out to dry, in return, he would do the same.
If he did, he did; and if he didn’t...
I was done worrying about it.
As he said, I’ll spend the rest of my life playing my role as a Pastor’s wife and he can keep all of his skeletons in his closet and all of his secrets to himself.
I loved him enough to simply leave the past in the past and let it go.
During my walk, I’d also decided that I wanted to go back to work.
It was time to do something just for me. Something that I actually enjoyed.
I need something to keep my mind from wondering and off of all of the drama.
Coming up on the view of the church; the first thing I saw was Shelton.
After all, he was wearing a loud yellow t-shirt; the one that the kids had made for him for a previous Youth Sunday.
The second thing I saw was a woman.
They were standing by their cars, chatting.
About what, I'm not sure since I wasn't within listening range.
Neither of them noticed me, and before they could, I decided to hide on the side of a house across the street; the one right beside the church.
I waited for her to turn her head back toward the church and when she did; my heart fell out of my chest and into my stomach.
It was her; the woman that had on the red dress…who was now wearing a red blouse and a black skirt.
She must have thought that red was her color.
Looking at her…it was.
Though I couldn’t hear a thing that they were saying, it appeared as though they were arguing.
Better yet, just from knowing my husband, I’m sure that they were.
There were tons of hand movements, head shaking, and she even jumped in his face a few times.
My blood was starting to boil as I saw Shelton ram his finger into her forehead and then grab her by the mouth, squeezing her at the cheeks.
That was so out of his character…well then again, maybe I was watching the real him in action.
Was Shelton having an affair?
Assuming Shelton had gotten the best of her; she hopped into her car and sped off.
Tan…her car was tan.
My mind wanted to remember something, but it couldn’t.
If only I could remember the color of the car the day that Dianna was killed.
Had the car
been tan?
I really couldn’t remember.
Focusing back on Shelton, he leaned up against his car as he watched her drive away.
He dropped his head, so I assumed that he was praying.
His hands were now in his pockets, which was always a sign that he was nervous.
What is going on?
Finally, Shelton got into his car and drove away.
Safely and unseen, I came from beside the house and continued to walk toward home.
Something just wasn’t right.
Shelton just couldn’t be having an affair.
He loved me too much…right?
And he was a Pastor for Christ’s sake!
He preached on adultery all the time, surely he couldn’t be committing it…could he?
And all of a sudden, this woman pops up.
She pretends to be a visitor of the church; and now she’s having private meetings and arguments with my husband?
Oh hell no!
My mind and my heart went back and forth as to whether or not I should smack Shelton on sight.
With his temper lately, especially the one I had just witnessed, I wasn’t so sure that smacking him was such a good idea.
But nevertheless, I had a right to know what was going on.
My back pocket began to vibrate, and I knew exactly who it was.
Shelton.
He was probably home now, and saw that I wasn’t there.
He called over and over again, but I didn’t answer.
Walking up our driveway, I spotted Shelton sitting on the front porch, still holding the telephone.
When he caught sight of me, he stood.
I walked toward him, trying to figure out what I wanted to say but before I could say a word, he spoke first.
“Maxi, didn't I tell you not to leave this house? The door was wide open when I came...I thought maybe someone---I want you to hear me and hear me good. I can’t protect you if you won’t let me. And before your blood is on my hands, I swear, I’ll divorce you first,” Shelton said and walked away.
I stood there with my mouth hanging open as he slammed the door behind him.
Huh?
The door was open?
But I was sure that I shut it behind me.
I was positive.
And Divorce?
Who said anything about a divorce?
~**********~
~You are the key to all of the doors in life that you wish to go through. Instead of focusing on finding the key that fits; sometimes you just have to change the locks. Change can be a beautiful thing~
Anonymous
Chapter Seven
“I would like to ask my beautiful wife to come up and give us a song selection,” Shelton said, looking in my direction.
It had been a whole month since he had made the comment about divorce and since I'd seen him privately chatting with the nameless woman.
I still felt someway about it all...but I had said nothing.
Basically, I was doing what he had ordered me to do…play my position.
Yes, I was still salty about it; but I wasn't causing any trouble.
It was what it was, and was going to be whatever it was going to be.
For the most part, I guess, Shelton and I were doing okay.
Not better...just okay.
Trying to be understanding, I concluded that it must be something really serious for him to even mention the word divorce.
Pastors took marriage very seriously...as all people should.
The promote the vows regularly, that a couple takes before God, so it must be something major, if he would even consider divorcing me...just to keep me safe.
So, more or less, it was simply best to forget about my insecurities, questions and concerns, and trust my husband and take him at his word.
Maybe I didn’t need to know certain things or every little detail about his past.
Maybe.
The mysterious lady in red, since that day in the church parking lot with Shelton, had been out of sight…but definitely not out of mind.
Every Sunday, I looked for her but she hadn’t shown her face.
Hopefully, whatever the argument between the two of them was; it was enough to keep her away---for good.
If there was something, anything, between them going on and if he wanted to keep living and preaching; it had better been over.
Pulling down my dress, I stood up and headed to the microphones at the front of the church.
I’d always been a good singer; not a great one like Mama, but still yet I was decent.
It had been a while since Shelton had put me on the spot, and for the first time, I was nervous.
I smiled at the crowd as I searched my heart for a song.
For some reason, I thought about the song that Lady Pauline was singing; the very first time I had come to the church; the same day that I decided to change my life.
With her sweet voice replaying over and over in my head, and with my emotions suddenly all over the place, I closed my eyes, and opened my mouth.
Many times, I’ve been broken.
Often used and abused.
Many trials go unspoken.
Often leaving me sad and confused.
But Lord if you put your hands on me,
And grant me just a touch of your Peace.
I know that I can win this race,
With the help of your mercy and grace.
Lord fix me, I’m broken, and I need to move on.
Tears flowed steadily down my face, and I sang with all of my might; and with all of my heart and soul.
The entire time I was singing I was thinking about Shelton.
I know; my focus was supposed to be on God, but with every note I sang, I became more and more overwhelmed with thoughts of what was going on in my marriage.
It wasn’t until I was finished singing that I actually opened my eyes, only to see that the entire church was on their feet and giving God some praise.
Shelton was now, standing right beside of me; and once I placed the microphone back on the stand, he reached out his arms in my direction.
I hugged him as he began to whisper a prayer of encouragement and love in my ear.
And at the end of his prayer; he asked for my forgiveness.
He said that he was sorry for everything he had done lately.
He asked me to forgive him for causing confusion and frustration in our marriage.
My eyes filled up with tears as I shook my head yes, and as his hug grew just a little bit tighter.
This was the man that I fell so deeply in love with.
This was the man so full of love and goodness that I married.
This was my husband.
My peace in the middle of a storm.
My light when I couldn’t find my way.
Shelton had been so many things to me, and I just couldn’t imagine my life without him.
I headed back to my seat, smiling and thanking the Man above simply because I knew that everything from that day forward was going to be okay.
If only that had truly been the case.
~***~
“Who is it?” I asked, opening the door before I’d gotten an answer.
There she was...in the flesh.
The woman in red.
The woman from the church and the same woman that I’d seen having a private conversation with my husband.
Immediately, I went into defense mode.
If she said one wrong thing; she could consider her ass…whooped!
And she had come to my house, and knocked on my front door…oh she was a bold one!
But she could best believe that I was the right one to give her a good old Southern beat down.
I hadn't smacked a hoe in years; and I definitely didn't mind smacking the skin off the face of a home-wrecker.
“Who are you? And what do you want with my Husband?” I asked her, getting straight to the point.
My arms were folded over my
chest, and I was sure that I had done a few neck rolls during the process.
She looked at me; strangely and even had the nerve to smile.
I opened my mouth to say something; but before I could, she spoke.
“You said what do I want with your husband? Technically, he’s just your Pastor; he’s actually my husband,” she said with a smirk.
She pulled out a piece of paper from her purse.
She was hesitant at first.
As if she was thinking about her next move.
As if she knew that whatever she did next; there was no turning back.
Finally, she handed me the paper; excuse me... the marriage license.
Levi Maurice Tate and Shelia Claire Brown-Tate were the names listed.
I looked at her confused.
“Oh, that’s right; you call him Shelton…that isn’t his real name by the way. It’s Levi, ” she said confidently.
You have got to be kidding me?
This was some kind of joke…right?
“This doesn’t make any sense,” I mistakenly said aloud.
“Nope, it doesn’t. But he’s my husband...and if you don't mind...I would like to have him back,” she said, snatching the paper from my hands.
She looked at me in an unusual way.
I could see the heartache in her eyes, although she desperately tried to hide it.
And I was sure that she could also tell that my heart was breaking, right there, as I stood in front of her face.
Her face softened, for only a second.
It was as if she wanted to apologize or say something comforting or sympathetic…but she didn’t.
She simply turned and walked away.
I stood in the doorway, still in a daze.
Had I really just heard what I thought I heard?
Had I really just seen what I thought I seen?
I watched her drive away in her Mercedes, and still yet I was unable to move.
Shelton was married to someone else?
Shelton’s real name was Levi?
Hell no, back to my original thought… Shelton; my Shelton was married; to someone other than me?
Huh?
This had to be some kind of joke!
She was wrong; she had made some kind of mistake.
Finally, I shut the door, and stood, facing the back of it.
I didn’t know whether to cry, scream, or start messing some stuff up…so I did nothing.