by B. M. Hardin
“Maxi, what’s wrong? Are you okay? Are you sick again?” Shelton asked, studying my face.
Yep, I was sick alright…sick and tired of not knowing what the hell was going on around here!
“No, I’m fine, I just need some fresh air,” I lied…again.
Shelton released my arm and allowed me to continue on my journey.
Once outside, I looked around; but the lady in the red dress was nowhere in sight.
Damn it!
I tried to guess which car was hers at the stoplight down the street, but figured that it was no use.
Already outside, I decided that I may as well head across the street to the parking lot, get into my car and just go ahead home.
I was feeling nauseous again anyway, and I was much more comfortable vomiting at home, over my own toilet; where fewer asses had been.
Slowly walking, I was in deep thought and I felt terrible about accusing Dianna of trying to kill me.
Thinking back to that day, she was pleading for us to listen to her, but we wouldn’t.
Now, I couldn’t even find her to tell her that I was sorry.
Although because of the accusation, I had discovered that indeed she was being dishonest about some things.... so maybe an apology wasn’t exactly necessary.
And this woman, whoever she was, why had she tried to hurt me?
What had I ever done to her?
Hell, I didn’t even know who she was!
She had to be the one that the witness identified.
Was that why she was asking Shelton so many questions about forgiveness…out of guilt?
I was so confused.
Shaking my head, I looked in the direction of my car and hit the alarm.
I was almost across the street and then…
“No! Maxi! No!”
Everything after that was pretty much a blur. Tires screeched as my body hit the pavement. Face down; I could hear the sound of the car speeding away.
It wasn’t until I heard screaming that I was actually able to force myself to lift my head.
From the ground, I looked behind me.
Dianna...
Where in the hell had she come from?
“Dianna!” I struggled to call out to her, but she didn’t answer.
She laid there, still, in the middle of the road.
Dianna was dead.
She was dead...and she had died to save me.
Immediately, I began to cry and then I started to scream.
A flood of people spilled out of the church as I looked around for the speeding car, but it was nowhere in sight.
Dianna’s eyes were open, looking in my direction...but they were lifeless; just like her unmoving body.
I squeezed my eyes shut tight and cried like I never had before.
She was gone.
She was really gone.
As soon as I opened my eyes again, I spotted Shelton in the distance, running toward me.
But he was too late.
The damage was already done.
Dianna was dead.
And looking at the blood in between my thighs...so was our unborn baby.
~**********~
~Live everyday as though it’s your last; after all, it just may be~
Anonymous
Chapter Six
The rain was making such a fuss that it was impossible for me to sleep.
Though Shelton was still, with his back toward me, I was sure that he was wide awake.
It had been three days since the death of Dianna and our unborn child; and Shelton was taking it all pretty hard.
I wasn’t sure if he was sadder about losing the baby...or if he was more hurt by the death of Dianna.
Either way; Shelton was a total wreck.
He wasn’t talking.
He wasn’t eating.
And he wasn't trying to hide his emotions.
He cried frequently; especially when he would rub my empty, lifeless stomach.
It was hard for me to see him in such a mess.
Watching him, reminded me of the agony that I'd felt when I lost Mama.
So, I could more than imagine how he felt.
I couldn’t say that I was as bad off as Shelton---but I wasn’t too far away from it.
I was full of all types of emotions that I didn’t understand.
I was sad, confused; sometimes I even felt guilty.
It was my fault that Dianna was dead.
It was my fault that our baby was gone.
At least that’s how I felt.
The reports said that the car was trying to stop abruptly on brakes, according to the marks on the road, but I was sure that wasn't the case.
Whoever was behind that wheel, was trying to hit me---trying to kill me.
For what reason, I’m not sure; but I was sure that it wasn’t an accident.
Had not Dianna been somewhere looking on, I would’ve been dead and gone.
Dianna.
I found it strange that Dianna had been there all along.
She had been somewhere waiting, hiding outside the church.
I wondered what she was doing there, or why she had been there looking on in the first place.
I also wondered where she had been, and why she hadn't returned any of my calls.
And most importantly...why had she chosen to spare her own life, in order to save mine?
Had she truly loved me enough, valued the friendship we once shared enough, to jump in front of a speeding car and save me?
Apparently so.
Naturally, thinking about Dianna, caused me to wonder about the lady in the red dress.
She had looked so much like her.
As far as I’d known, Dianna said that she didn’t have any siblings; but then again, since she’d lied about who her father really was, there was no telling what else she had lied about.
But whether they were possibly related or not, the fact of the matter was, she was damn near identical to Dianna.
Had the woman in red been my attacker at the mall?
Had she been the woman behind the wheel?
No one had gotten a good look at the car except for Dianna, and a dead witness was no witness at all.
I’d glanced at the car for only a split second before Dianna pushed me out of the way, but for the life of me, I couldn’t remember what color it was.
I was in shock…but I’m not so sure that I could say the same about Dianna.
It had been something about the way that she'd yelled.
There was something in her voice; as if she'd known what was about to happen.
Like maybe she had saw it the whole time and at the last minute, she decided to take action.
Remembering the sound of her voice was the main reason why I was convinced that it wasn’t an accident, or by mistake.
And no one could tell me otherwise.
Someone wanted me dead…but who and why?
As far as the baby was concerned, I was saddened, but I wasn’t nearly as disappointed about the miscarriage as Shelton.
I know it sounds bad...but I couldn’t help the way that I felt.
I knew that in my heart that I didn’t exactly think that it was the right time for us to have a baby in the first place, still yet, I would have never wanted anything bad to happen to it.
But I had to admit that I was just a little relieved.
I wasn’t sick anymore.
I was able to sleep longer than two hours at a time, and most importantly, finally, this chick was able to eat.
The baby had me so sick that I couldn’t keep anything down, hence was why I’d lost almost forty pounds in only a matter of weeks. Though I was thankful for the slimming process…I was hungry!
But now I was eating again, and feeling a whole lot better.
I could always get pregnant again; one day, though it wouldn’t be anytime soon.
Finally, after thinking over all of the details, I turned onto my back and turned my head toward Shelton.
Without hesitation, he turned around to face me.
With just enough light from the moon shining in, I could see the tenseness of his face.
He looked so angry; so overwhelmed.
It was as if he blamed himself for what happened, or as if he was upset that this was one of those situations that even he couldn’t fix or change.
Quietly, we stared into each others eyes.
For more reasons than one, I didn’t feel the same connection that we once shared.
It was as if I barely even knew him.
He was changing, constantly, right before my very eyes.
Either that or he had just done one hell of a good job at pretending, until now.
“I love you,” I said, because honestly, I truly did.
“I love you too, with all of my heart, you know that right?” Shelton asked in a low tone.
Of course I knew that he loved me; but I also knew that there was something that he wasn’t telling me.
And it had almost cost me my life…twice.
I just knew that somehow it was all connected; with Shelton being at the core of it.
I only wished I had the nerve to ask him, but since I didn’t, I simply nodded.
“We are going to be okay, I promise you that,” he reminded me.
But I wasn’t so sure.
“Will you be preaching Dianna’s funeral? Do you think that you can handle it mentally, or even emotionally?” I asked him, hoping that by bring up her and the situation, if I was lucky; maybe he would unknowingly answer a few of my unanswered questions.
I still didn’t have a clue as to how they'd actually known each other.
For years, they both had lied to me; and though she was gone...I still wanted to know why.
“No. I found out today that she was cremated,” Shelton said.
What?
She had only died three days ago, never had I known us black folks to have taken care of death so fast!
And to not even have her a funeral; really?
“How is that possible Shelton? Who had her cremated? So, you mean to tell me that they didn’t have a proper service for her? How are her friends and family supposed to pay their respects? And who in the heck is they? ” I asked him in disbelief.
“They had a private ceremony for her at St. Johns; even I wasn’t informed of it until yesterday,” Shelton whispered.
Damn it...that’s it!
No more lies!
“Shelton, why are you lying to me? I’m supposed to be your wife!” I yelled at him, beyond frustrated.
Enough was enough!
“What are you talking about Maxi?” Shelton asked lifting up his head.
“Dianna was not Bishop Clarence’s daughter. When I couldn’t get a hold of her, I went to St. John's. I figured if anyone knew where she was, her father would. Imagine my surprise to find out that she wasn’t his daughter. Better yet, he didn’t even know who she was…or you,” I concluded, taking a deep breath.
The look on Shelton’s face was unexplainable; indescribable.
It was clear that I had hit some kind of nerve.
Shelton breathed hard, fast, like a bull about to chase after the man in the big hat; the one always holding the red flag.
If I wasn’t mistaken, I could have sworn that I’d seen traces of smoke coming from his ears and from the top of his head.
“You did what? What right did you have to go there and ask questions? You had no right to go there!” Shelton screamed unexpectedly; startling me.
“I have every right to know the truth!” I shouted back at him as he got up from the bed and headed toward the bedroom door.
“No, Maxine, you don’t! Damn...not everything is meant for you to know; nor is everything meant for you to understand. You are my wife, a Pastor’s wife; know your place and play your role. Mind your own business Maxine…and stay the hell out of mine!” Shelton yelled, slamming the door behind him.
Well, I’d always imagined the conversation going slightly different that.
Oh, and by the way...he boarder line cursed---again.
More confused than ever and not knowing how else to respond, I started to cry.
Now, I was sure that he was hiding things from me.
They both had been all along, and from the looks of it, Shelton had no real plans on telling me the truth.
Was my marriage, my life, one big, fat lie?
Instead of chasing Shelton for more answers that I was sure that I wasn’t going to get, I snuggled back under the covers and looked outside at the pouring rain.
I allowed my tears to fall effortlessly, mimicking the actions of the rain drops.
I didn’t have all of the answers, but there was one thing that I knew for certain...
I had no idea who the man was that I was married to.
And I had a problem with that.
~***~
“Look, Maxine, about last night…I didn’t mean it,” Shelton said to me the next morning at breakfast.
He had managed to make eggs, bacon and toast.
The pancakes and grits were both epic failures.
I didn’t respond to him.
I kissed our daughter and took a seat.
“Dianna and I had a past that you or anybody just wouldn’t have understood, okay?’ Shelton said taking a seat beside of me.
At first, I thought about being nice, civil; but to be honest, I just wasn’t in the mood.
“You’re supposed to be a Pastor, Shelton…but you’re not. You’re a liar!” I yelled at him.
For a minute or two too long, Shelton didn’t respond.
Out of nowhere, Shelton slammed his fists into the kitchen table, shattering the glass.
“Watch your mouth in my house Maxine! You are my wife and you will do what I tell you to do! The problem is, you think you know...but you don't! You don't know nothing Maxine; nothing at all! And I am a Pastor! I will not let you or anyone else, say otherwise!” Shelton stood up, as blood dripped hastily from his right hand.
Mackenzie started to wail and I jumped to my feet to get her, but Shelton stepped in my way.
“I don’t want to hurt you Maxi, please don’t make me hurt you. Please believe me when I say that all I have ever kept from you was for your own good. I promise you that it’s for the best,” Shelton became somewhat emotional.
For just a second, I felt something other than anger toward him; I felt sympathy.
“How bad can it be Shelton huh? I’m your wife,” I pleaded with him.
Though I was still begging for the truth, I was becoming more and more terrified of it.
Shelton allowed the shedding of a few tears, but soon pulled himself together.
He allowed me to pass by him and comfort our daughter, but still, he said nothing.
After Shelton started to clean up the broken glass and the ruined breakfast, I knew that the conversation was over.
If I could only turn back the hands off time…I would have done a background check on him...before I married his ass!
Maybe then, when nothing came up for him, I could have asked questions that either he would’ve answered; or I simply wouldn’t have married him.
I’ve heard many say that everything that glitters ain’t gold; well, I’m officially going on record to say that every Pastor leading from behind a pulpit…doesn’t necessarily need to be followed.
You just never know who you are putting your trust into these days.
Look at me; I couldn’t even trust my Pastor…or my husband.
~***~
“Shelton, have you seen my keys,” I screamed in the direction of the phone.
Speaker phone was a blessing from the Lord.
That was my very thought, as I finished pulling my hair up into a bun.
“I have your keys with me,” Shelton replied.
What?
“Shelton what do you mean you have them with you? Why do you have my keys?�
� I asked him in frustration.
I wasn’t in the mood for Shelton’s crap today.
I hadn’t been out of the house in weeks, since the miscarriage and Dianna’s death, and with Mackenzie off of my hands, I was dying to get out of the house and get some fresh air.
“You don’t need to go anywhere Maxi. I’ll see you when I get home,” Shelton said and hung up the phone.
Was he serious?
What was I…his hostage now?
I called him back several times, but he didn’t answer.
What was his problem?
What did he think that I would do; just take off and leave?
Trust me, if I really wanted to go, I didn’t need my keys to do it; or any money for that matter. Again, Mama always taught me that when things were good, stable, whatever you do, put back for a rainy day.
And I had done just yet.
Obviously, Shelton knew that things were really bad between us if he assumed that I might try to leave him.
Don’t get me wrong, I’d thought about it…more than once, but at the end of the day, I still loved my husband.
From the very beginning, he had been nothing but good to me.
Even now, he still hadn’t done me any harm; except for not being completely honest with me.
He'd said that it was for my protection, or for my own good; but I say, its bullshit!
Please, excuse my French.
But the entire situation was frustrating!
Again, I thought about Mama and her sayings, which was something that I had been doing a lot lately.
I'd been doing it so much that in a way, it felt as though she was using all of her resources from Heaven to try and tell me something.
Her words had definitely been heavily on my mind lately.
She'd always say:
Lying is something that is so easy to do, but the outcome of a lie is never easy to undo.
I wondered now, if she had been speaking from experiences of her own.
With her words in my head, I revisited my lies. I’d lied about my first marriage; but really, it was for the best.
Besides, he was dead; it wasn’t like he could cause any problems in our marriage.
I’d lied about my drinking.
But he was a Pastor…what else was I supposed to do?
Tell him that I loved a nice stiff drink after a long day of work?
I don't think so!
I felt I was more than fair with cutting all the way down to a glass of wine here and there.