Let Me Be Your Last (Music and Letters Series Book 4)

by Lynsey M. Stewart

  ‘I’ll take the house.’

  Fuck.

  When Jay left, we came to an agreement that he would give me a sum of money every month until Brandon was eighteen. I agreed because it kept a roof over our heads and didn’t involve the Child Support Agency. It was easy and enough for me to handle when I was feeling at my lowest. He had paid me every month without fail, but if he stopped, I would face a lengthy battle to make his monthly payments official and it was time I didn’t have. Money I didn’t have. We could lose the house.

  ‘I mean it, Gem. If he moves in here, if he comes anywhere near my kids, I’ll stop the money. Your choice. You don’t work. There’s no one to help you financially. You’ll lose the house.’

  ‘I’ll go to Child Support; do it officially.’

  ‘That could take months. What will you do for money?’ he was calm and measured, but his eyes betrayed him.

  ‘You wouldn’t do that to the kids. I know what you’re like deep down, before you changed, before you lost sight of what was important just to make the restaurant work. I know you wouldn’t do that to them.’

  ‘He’s not coming near my kids.’

  ‘You don’t get to do that, Jay. It’s been four years. You must have known that one day I’d meet someone. He’s a good guy; he’s great with them. You should be pleased that he wants to be part of their lives, that he wants to make them happy!’

  ‘He’s not their father!’ he shouted, banging his hand on his chest. ‘I am. I won’t stand by and watch another man take my place.’

  ‘Take your place? They don’t want Josh to be their dad. They want you. They’re desperate for you to be around more. Do you really think that showering them with gifts is being a good father? They want your time, Jay. Theo wants you to watch him at football. He wants you to pick him up from school, take him out for the day, read his books. You wouldn’t feel so threatened by Josh if you’d been doing those things with them all along.’

  ‘I don’t want him near my kids!’

  ‘He’s Theo’s teacher!’ I shouted. ‘They’ll see him in school!’

  ‘Not for much longer,’ he replied, unable to contain his smug smile.

  I flicked my head to watch his face, trying to make sense of what he meant and coming to the conclusion that it couldn’t mean anything good. I brought my fingers to my mouth and was shocked when I felt a teardrop to the tips of them. I quickly wiped it away, not liking that he was more than likely enjoying getting to me—again. ‘What have you done?’ I asked, unsure if I could hold myself back when he confirmed what I already knew.

  ‘I’ve made a complaint to the head. Your perfect teacher fuck buddy made quite a scene this morning in front of a group of kids and horrified parents.’

  ‘You made a scene,’ I muttered. ‘It was you.’

  ‘Let’s just say it didn’t go down well with the head. She told me Josh was on an agency contract. He’s not even a permanent member of staff, so I’m pretty sure it will be easy to let him go.’

  ‘They wouldn’t. The kids love him. He’s a great teacher.’

  ‘I’m not so sure. There’s a parent who wasn’t happy about his conduct this morning. In front of the kids too. Not very child-focused, Gem. Of course, I encouraged her to make a complaint.’

  ‘Lydia.’ I knew. I didn’t need his nod as confirmation.

  ‘You need to make a decision now, Gem. Put the kids first,’ he said.

  ‘I always put the kids first.’

  He stepped back and gave me a measured look, sizing me up. I saw his eyes narrow and his fingers flick. Staring him out was something that was necessary. He wouldn’t see me back down. He wouldn’t see me cry. He would see the strong woman I had become through years of dealing with asshole shit. The strong woman who had her hands on her hips and a look across her face that told him she wasn’t going to back down, who deserved happiness and a shot at life and wasn’t going to be told who she could have in her life by a man who had made his choice years ago.

  Neither of us moved as I held my head high, my shoulders back and straight. I may be small, but I meant business. The anger that was flaring around me only encouraged me on. ‘I don’t recognise you anymore. Were you ever the man I fell in love with?’

  ‘We loved each other once.’

  ‘If you ever loved me, you wouldn’t do this. You’d want me to be happy after everything you’ve caused,’ I replied.

  ‘Be happy with our kids,’ he said, and that was all I needed to snap.

  ‘Get the fuck out of my house!’ I shouted, pushing him with both hands and unleashing years of pent up anger through my hands, bashing them against his shoulders, pushing him out of the gate that was now hanging at an odd angle, following him down the front path of the house. My mind cascaded back to the day he finally left, a scene not dissimilar to this. I threw his clothes at him, a shirt catching his head and hanging off him like a flag of the adulterer, the wedding picture I’d carved in two with a bread knife sticking out of the grass and in pieces by the flowerbed, but I couldn’t let my mind wander back to that scene. This was a fresh battle, one that he wouldn’t win. ‘You can’t ruin my life again. I won’t let you.’ He opened his car door but I moved my body so that he couldn’t shut it. ‘They won’t let Josh go; the kids love him and you can’t fucking stand it!’

  ‘Don’t,’ he said, banging his fist against the steering wheel.

  ‘That’s it, isn’t it? You can’t bear for the kids to like Josh more than you. It eats you alive because you finally have to admit the mistakes you’ve made.’

  ‘Gem, I said don’t.’ He pushed me to one side and slammed the car door, racing off like the coward he was.

  Checking my watch, I could see that it was lunchtime and I might be able to catch Josh on his mobile.

  Two rings were all it took before he answered.

  ‘I’m coming to school. I’m going to meet with the head teacher and explain everything. I’ll apologise. I’ll make it right.’ My words were coming out fast and sharp, because as I started to speak, the breath left my body. I gasped for air as the phone went quiet and Josh spoke the words I was dreading to hear.

  ‘It’s too late, Gem. They’re letting me go.’

  Chapter 45

  Gem

  ‘I’ll kill him,’ I said as we sat on a bench in the park watching the kids as they got lost in play. Josh took my hand and kissed it.

  ‘I don’t think that would help.’

  ‘It would make me feel better,’ I replied. I heard his small laugh, but it was brittle and broken. We met as planned and initially didn’t mention Jay or what had happened today. Josh focused on Theo and Brandon, chasing them through the play equipment, pretending to be pirates by walking the plank, putting down a blanket for them to sit and eat some snacks. I knew he was hurting and was finding it difficult to see a way through. His longing to hold and comfort me came out in whispers and pained fleeting looks. His hand on my thigh was grounding me, but I couldn’t help measuring up the insecurities that had been pinging around my head since lunchtime. ‘Tell me I’m a complication you still need, that you’ve weighed up the pros and cons and there are potentially more pros. If you need reminders, I make a great bacon sandwich. I’m laid back and won’t be the type of girlfriend to text you every five minutes to see if you’re actually where you say you are. I don’t do bullshit. I tell it like it is. I’m a good friend and loyalty is everything.’

  ‘You don’t need to list pros and cons. I’m pretty invested,’ he said, his hand moving an inch higher, sending the tingles a message to be on high alert.

  ‘Ohmygod.’ It came out as one word because mouth, brain and talking had lost their connection as his finger moved slowly between my legs.

  ‘This should definitely go down as a pro,’ he said, his smile hard to miss. ‘Your pussy was made for me,’ he whispered against my ear. ‘Tailored. Bespoke…snug.’

  ‘You totally ruined the moment with snug.’

  ‘I know. I wasn
’t sure where I was going after bespoke.’ We glanced at each other and as our laughter died down, everything started to turn serious. ‘Do I get the list of cons now?’ he asked.

  ‘’Where do I start?’

  He shrugged. ‘There aren’t any. Not to me anyway.’

  His phone started to ring, and as he pulled it from his pocket, he stood and walked across to the slide, turning his back to me. I watched as he slowly nodded and hung his head. After a few minutes, he returned the phone to his pocket and walked back to me with a tight smile.

  ‘Bad news?’

  He took a deep sigh. ‘That was the agency. I phoned them earlier to talk about getting another job. Schools break up in two weeks, so there won’t be anything until the new term in September. They said they’d call back to give me an update.’

  ‘And?’

  ‘Basically, there isn’t anything. They’re waiting to get a list of supply work ready for autumn, but…they can’t guarantee where it will be.’ He focused on me as he spoke and there was something behind his eyes, a pain, a sadness, words that hadn’t yet been spoken because he was too frightened to put them out there and make them real.

  ‘What aren’t you telling me?’ I turned towards him and he looked away. ‘Josh.’

  He shook his head in defeat and watched the boys as they played tag, their laughter spilling from them. ‘I’m moving back with my parents,’ he said softly.

  ‘In Cornwall?’

  He nodded and my stomach dropped, taking my heart with it. ‘I was going to go and stay with them for a few weeks over summer anyway. I always do. It gives me the opportunity to surf and catch up with friends.’

  ‘When were you going to tell me?’ I asked, trying not to let the hurt lace through my words.

  ‘I wasn’t intentionally keeping it from you.’ He took my hand and put it on his lap. It was warm and welcoming. I had no idea where we were going next but I had a feeling I would need to brace myself. ‘The tenancy is due for renewal on my flat. I was hoping I would have more time at school, maybe even be offered a permanent contract, but now I have some decisions to make.’

  I slowly removed my hand from his and brought it to my mouth. I wanted to cover myself, curl into a ball, make myself disappear, dig a hole to bury myself, all the clichés that describe the moment a heart breaks. I was usually prepared for the worst, and because of that, my heart had a numb edge to it, but Josh had started to force his way through, making the feeling return through pins and needles, a pulse, a different beat.

  ‘Don’t withdraw. I know what you’re doing. This isn’t goodbye, Gem,’ he said with panic in his eyes. ‘I’m just not completely sure how we’re going to work at the moment with so many…loose threads.’ I pulled my lips under and nodded. ‘I need some time to plan what I’m going to do next, but that’s hard when I don’t even know where I’ll be working or what I’ll even be doing. All I know is this isn’t the end. Do you trust me?’

  ‘I’ve only ever been able to trust myself.’

  ‘Gem,’ he said, trying to take my hand, his face falling when I pulled away from him.

  ‘You’re letting him win. He can’t hold this much power over us. If I have to move, downsize, I will. He can’t keep controlling my life.’

  ‘I don’t want to put you or the boys in a difficult position. Perhaps we need some space.’ I shook my head and closed my eyes. ‘I promise I’ll make it work; make us work. I can make you happy. I just need time.’

  He dropped his head, avoiding my eyes. ‘Look at me,’ I said as he dragged his fingers through his dark hair. ‘Look. At. Me.’

  ‘Say you’ll give me time,’ he repeated, finally meeting my stare.

  ‘I can’t, Josh. I can’t give the responsibility of my happiness to anyone else. Can’t you see that? I have to keep it in my hands. I need to grasp it until you can see the indents in my skin. I don’t give it away easily because I’ve learnt that if I do, I get burnt.’ I stood up, leaving Josh sitting on the bench. ‘I don’t have the energy anymore,’ I shrugged. ‘I’m exhausted. You’re either in or you’re not. There’s no in between.’

  ‘Don’t walk away,’ he said, holding up his hands tentatively. He walked towards me slowly, still with his hands out until I felt one snake around my waist and a sharp tug pull me towards him. And I melted; I fucking melted into him. I gasped as I felt his breath against my ear, his hand cupping my behind lightly, still so tentative. I just wanted a squeeze, anything to bring me back to reality, because this was anything but. His hands, his sweet whisperings, they couldn’t mask the fact that he had just told me he was leaving. ‘I need to be able to smell you, your perfume. I can tell you spray it across your skin, down your arms, in your hair. It drives me crazy. If I can’t smell you, you’re not close enough.’

  ‘Don’t try to blindside me with your lovely words,’ I said, removing his hand from my arse. His head snapped back in shock as I continued. ‘Do you know how long it’s taken me to accept I’m worth all the hearts and flowers you’ve given me? I’ve never had that before. My ex-husband tried to kiss my bridesmaid on our wedding day, for fuck’s sake. But you know what? None of that matters anymore. All I wanted was you. I wanted the quiet Josh and the loud Josh, the small pieces that make you. Your Saturday afternoon naps after a group of seven-year-olds have worn you out on the football pitch. Your laughter when we’re watching a film. Your smile when you see me through the school gates. I wanted your boxers on the floor, the toilet seat left up, and the cap of the toothpaste on the side of the sink. I wanted your weird quirks, your funny moments, and stories of your day. I wanted to know what you ate for dinner, if you had time to grab a sandwich when you had yo-yo club. I wanted your legs across mine, our fingers entwined as we fell asleep. I wanted to book your doctors’ appointments, wash your football kit, stroke your head after a hard day’s teaching. I wanted the texts, the calls, and the heart emojis. I wanted the simple things. I don’t need balloon rides or pretend birthdays. I just want you.’

  ‘I want that too, Gem. You started to trust me and I know that was hard for you. Don’t lose that. Don’t forget how far we’ve come. Give me time.’

  ‘You know what? I did start to trust. But I’m sorry. I’m sorry I put my trust in you,’ I said, holding up my hands and collecting my belongings.

  ‘I won’t let you down like him,’ he replied, reaching for me, but I couldn’t let him touch me. All I could feel was disappointment. I was becoming certain that he wouldn’t join the list of fuckwits. I glanced over at the kids and wondered why I had been so intent on finding happiness when I already had my fair share through them.

  But I couldn’t deny the sadness I felt.

  ‘You gave me a taste of what love could be like, but in some way, that’s worse than what Jay did. At least I knew where I stood with him. The grand gestures, they become nothing.’

  ‘Don’t compare me to him. Everything I did was because I either knew I could fall in love with you, or I was in the process of doing so,’ he replied softly. ‘Don’t say they meant nothing. I don’t believe you.’

  ‘Then why are you leaving?’ I shouted, exasperated and tired that I was here again, fighting for love.

  ‘Gem, loving you is easy. It’s being allowed to love you that’s hard.’

  I pulled my lip under my teeth and bit down trying to stop the shake. His words sounded true and beautiful, but all I could think was he’s still leaving. I motioned for the boys to come over as I backed away and waited for them to follow me. I ignored their waves and shouts of goodbye to Josh and continued walking, fighting the urge to glance behind my shoulder because that might just be enough to force my heart to finally crack right down the middle.

  Chapter 46

  Gem

  I opened the door to a bright pink box as a voice came from behind it. ‘Happy birthday!’

  ‘Oh. Yes. Thank you.’ I took the box from the delivery driver and sat it down on the table. As I pulled back the lid, a heart-shaped balloon poppe
d out and a large bouquet of flowers lay inside. I took the card and opened it, already knowing who they were from.

  Happy birthday, Gemzy. Hope you’re having a beautiful day. Love, Josh.

  I took a deep sigh and closed the lid shut. ‘Not my birthday.’

  He couldn’t leave me alone.

  Text messages were frequent; light at first, but then raw and heartfelt. Initially, I ignored them, but the pull of our ties wound themselves tighter and I found myself in a frustrating game of let’s pretend everything is fine despite the fact we were living in different parts of the country with no indication of when or if he would be back.

  Night times were the hardest; it was almost like the blanket of darkness forced the truth to escape. Messages were full of promises asking me to trust him, declarations of how much he was missing me, and the mutual appreciation of how nicely his penis and my vagina worked together. Polite messages tentatively exploring how sexual we were willing to be in a text soon turned into filthy words that appeared to have a direct link to my long forgotten about clit.

  I ached for him.

  Damn my treacherous body.

  A car horn sounded outside. I could see Abi, Kate and Elle in the back of the taxi. I put the flashing ribbon over my head, checking in the mirror that I could see Elle’s Cock Patrol clearly, and headed out the door hoping to forget the man who couldn’t seem to leave my thoughts.

  Josh: Are you sufficiently drunk?

  Gem: I can’t feel my toes

  Josh: I’d say that’s sufficient

  Josh: Is Elle enjoying her hen night?

  Gem: It’s been a disaster so far. Kate lost her purse and the stripper hasn’t turned up

  Josh: Nightmare

  Gem: Shush

  Gem: I think Elle’s relieved…

  Gem: Stop texting me. We’re not in a relationship anymore…are we?

  Josh: Don’t say that

  Josh: If you meant it, you wouldn’t reply…

  ‘Couldn’t we have been a bit more classy?’ Elle said, drinking through a cock straw, wearing gold cock deely boppers, a cock necklace, and eating a cake in the shape of a cock.