A Painted Smile

by B. M. Hardin

  After taping the letter I looked at it. Then I looked around the entire room. The room as well as the whole building had paintings that I’d created dating back to almost five years ago.

  It was a dream come true to see them hanging on the walls of my own business.

  God was so good.

  “Um, Storm, just by chance, you didn’t sit in red Kool-aide or something did you?” Zara said just shy of a whispered.

  I looked at her confused.

  Before I’d even had a chance to check myself out, a sudden, sharp pain in the pit of my belly brought about a reality that I wasn’t and would never be ready to face nor accept.

  I said it before but I had been wrong…this is and would always be the worst day of my life.

  “What are you doing here?” I asked Jasper through the tears in my eyes.

  “I’m sorry I had Todd tell him that we were here. He needed to know. I’ll leave you guys alone to talk,” Zara looked at me sympathetic and then exited the room.

  I wished she would just mind her own damn business!

  “What happened?”

  I just stared at Jasper.

  I hadn’t seen him in weeks and in a way he looked different.

  He looked older.

  Or maybe it was that he looked stressed or worried. Whatever it was, he didn’t look like his usual self.

  “Did you fall? What happened? What caused the miscarriage Storm?” Jasper asked concerned.

  The doctors simply said that sometimes miscarriages just happen.

  I was doing everything right. I was eating right, getting enough rest, forcing myself not to stress, but still yet it wasn’t enough.

  I still loss my baby.

  I couldn’t quite explain what it was that I felt in the inside. But I was convinced that it was the biggest disappointment that I’d ever had to endure.

  I wanted that baby more than anything in this world, but apparently God’s plans were the opposite of my own.

  “Please say something, please. I’m so sorry. I love you so much. I miss you and I really wanted our baby. I really did.”

  I only looked at Jasper as he started to tear up. There wasn’t much that I could say to him, so I didn’t even try.

  Eventually Jasper grew tired of being ignored, so finally he just took a seat beside me and waited for the doctors to come back and finally discharge me.

  He stayed the entire time and when it was time to go, I found that Zara was long gone and I was stuck riding home with him.

  We pulled up at my house and without looking back or even telling Jasper thank you, I got out of the car and walked hurriedly to my front door. Once I heard another car door slam close, I knew that Jasper didn’t have any plans on leaving.

  I had every intention on calling Zara to have her come back and get me since my car was still in the daycare parking lot, but as soon as I stepped inside of the living room and grabbed my phone from my purse, Jasper snatched the phone from my hands.

  He closed and locked the door behind him and grabbed me by the hand.

  He led me to the couch and sat me down.

  “Storm, I know that you hate me. I know that you don’t believe me when I say I love you but I do. I messed up. I didn’t do everything right, I understand that, but I want to do things right---now. I just want to be with you. The divorce is done, everything is in the clear. I just want to start again. Please can we just start again?”

  He pulled the divorce papers out of his pocket.

  To be honest whether he was now divorced or not wasn’t the issue.

  Everything else was.

  I should have never been in that situation or predicament in the first place.

  It was just that simple.

  I was once told that if a person lies to you once, maybe it was a mistake or their very last option. If they lied to you twice, maybe just maybe you should reconsider everything that they have ever said.

  But if they lie to you a third time, every other lie that you accept, after establishing that they are a liar, whatever situation that you put yourself in with them is your fault and you deserve every heartache and dose of pain that follows.

  In my book, no matter what he said, Jasper was a liar.

  And no one wanted to be in a relationship with a liar. I know I sure didn’t.

  Next, he pulled the engagement ring out of his pocket. He stared at it for a while before he finally spoke.

  “There is nothing in the way of us taking this chance. I know you may not want to hear this right now but I can’t live without you. The only way that I was able to sleep at night was because I knew that you were carrying a part of me in your belly and that no matter what we would always have a part of each other. But now that the baby is gone, there’s just us. Let’s just start again. Please.”

  Jasper begged for another thirty minutes or so.

  It wasn’t until he had finally taken a breath, that I began to cry.

  I cried mostly because I was still hurting and even in shock from the miscarriage, but I also cried because I believed everything that Jasper said.

  I didn’t want to, but I did.

  Is this what being stupid or a sucker for love felt like?

  I just couldn’t understand why I couldn’t hate him and just go on with my life as though he’d never existed.

  After sometime, Jasper stood to his feet and disappeared for a while.

  I quickly glanced where he had been sitting but he’d taken my phone with him.

  After some time he returned to the living room and pulled me by my hand.

  Things were definitely awkward but having little strength to fuss and fight, I followed him into the bedroom.

  He helped me out of my clothes and cut the hospital band from my wrist. He led me to the bathroom where a bubble bath was waiting.

  The tub was surrounded by candlelight. Soft music was coming from a portable radio that I’d never even seen before.

  Jasper helped me into the bathtub and then reached me a glass of water and a small white pill.

  Without even questioning what it was, I swallowed it and Jasper exited the bathroom.

  I tried to sort out my thoughts but my mind was all over the place.

  I was feeling horribly and I closed my eyes to try to force the thoughts of the miscarriage out of my mind.

  I just wanted my baby back.

  And nothing else really mattered.

  I briefly wondered if I was even supposed to be sitting in a bathtub. I hadn’t paid much attention to any of the instructions that the doctor had given me.

  It just wasn’t fair.

  It just didn’t seem right.

  I thought about losing the baby for a while longer and allowed a few additional tears to shed.

  I refused to entertain any of my thoughts of Jasper so instead I allowed the music to take me some place far away…

  ***

  I smiled at the sight of the first child arriving.

  It was the opening day of my daycare, Storm’s Playhouse, and I was as excited as a small child on Christmas.

  Altogether, I’d spent over a month hiring and promoting and I’d managed to come up with six staff members and almost twenty kids.

  I could only imagine that my business would continue to grow and that my daycare was going to be the talk of the town and even the nation.

  I was destined for something great, I could feel it.

  It had only been a week since the miscarriage, but the joy that I had on this day, almost made the event a distant memory.

  “I’m so proud of you honey,” Mama hugged me.

  It was something about her touch.

  It soothed me and I wanted to start crying but I smiled instead.

  “Is everything okay?” Mama asked.

  I smiled and nodded my head.

  I had yet to tell her or Daddy about my miscarriage or about anything going on with Jasper and I.

  For the most part it was because I didn’t want to hear what Mama had to
say.

  I loved my Mama I really did, but she was the only one that could truly get under my skin.

  Her opinions and thoughts of me always have and always will matter.

  I hadn’t had the time, energy or even head space to give to her or to her opinions.

  So, I hadn’t said a thing.

  The other reason I hadn’t mentioned anything about the situation was because I was still so confused about everything that was going on.

  I was still confused about my heart and what I wanted to do.

  Everyone knows that putting too many people, especially family in your business was a bad idea. They never tend to forget the wrongs, even when you do or if you decide to and I just didn’t need any extra headaches.

  I was going through enough already.

  “You’re not wearing your engagement ring,” Mama pointed it out.

  With a smile still plastered on my face, I looked down at my hand.

  Damn it.

  “That’s because she forgot to put it back on this morning. Mama Rivers please tell her that she’s not supposed to take off her ring…ever,” Jasper said and twisted the ring on my finger.

  I exhaled and forced myself to keep smiling as Jasper grabbed my hand and kissed my cheek.

  Mama smiled and then she turned her attention to Daddy and began to chat.

  I pulled Jasper to the side.

  “What are you doing here?”

  “What do you mean? I wouldn’t miss this day for the world. I am so proud of you Storm. I really am.”

  I couldn’t help but to feel some kind of way in the inside.

  Since I’d known him, he’d been my number one fan. There were plenty of nights that he stayed up late with me and brainstormed and gave me ideas that would make me and my business different from the rest. He believed in me. He believed in my goals and my dreams. He believed in my vision.

  I’ll admit that Jasper had definitely been trying to prove himself and his love to me for the past week.

  He was pulling out all of his tricks but to date I still hadn’t given him much to go on.

  I just didn’t know what to do.

  Against my better judgment, I’d been staying at my house, and so had Jasper. He’d been there helping me and attempting to comfort me whenever I became emotional about losing the baby.

  He’d taken a small leave from work so that he could be around all day, hoping to rekindle a few flames, but I hadn’t budged.

  I was still barely even speaking to him.

  But the truth was that yet again, I’d forgiven him already. Blame God for giving me such a forgiving heart, but I just couldn’t find it in me to stay angry at him, even though I desperately wanted to.

  And whether I acted like it or not, I still loved him.

  That was the truth.

  And for the rest of the evening, Jasper stayed by my side.

  I’ll admit there were a few moments that he genuinely made me smile and even laugh. And then there were times that I wanted to find the sharpest object around me and stab him.

  Nevertheless, it was past time for me to really figure out just what it was that I was going to do.

  But no matter what I decided, I needed to be honest with myself.

  If I didn’t, no one else would.

  “How are you feeling? It was a success!” Jasper spoke as we entered the house and headed toward the bedroom.

  I didn’t respond.

  To be honest, this time, I wasn’t being a jack ass, I was just thinking about my accomplishments and how proud I was of myself.

  I’d done everything that I’d said that I was going to do and it felt so darn good!

  “Damn it Storm! Okay, I get it. Fine, I’ll move my things out first thing in the morning!” Jasper yelled and slammed the bathroom door behind him.

  I stood there trying to get my thoughts together.

  I was so confused.

  What do I want?

  What do I need?

  What was I going to do?

  My mind and heart were at a tug-of-war. I didn’t really know what I wanted to do but looking down at the ring on my finger, at that moment, I knew exactly what I didn’t want.

  And I didn’t want to lose Jasper forever.

  I had to be real with myself.

  After another minute or two, I tip-toed to the bathroom door. I listened for a second at the sound of the shower water hitting the bottom of the tub.

  Jasper was silent.

  I turned the knob, secretly hoping that it was locked, but it wasn’t.

  Stepping into the bathroom, I thought carefully about my next move. I thought about every move that I made as I slowly removed every piece of my clothing.

  I told myself, that everyone makes mistakes. I told myself that this was the right decision.

  But I also asked myself if love was enough.

  Was the love that I felt for Jasper truly enough to forgive and forget?

  Would love ever get any better than what I felt for a man that had already taken me through so much already?

  The connection that we’d had before all of the issues was one that I was still unable to put into words. It couldn’t be explained and I wasn’t sure if it was necessary to try to.

  It was everything that I wanted and needed it to be and for the life of me, I just couldn’t lose it.

  At least not yet.

  I’d seen the proof; the divorce was a done deal.

  Sometimes, I thought about her, especially from that day.

  Her words and even her facial expressions.

  The woman in me felt bad because I wasn’t sure if I was the cause of whatever it was that they were going through. Though I hadn’t known, I couldn’t help but wonder where they would be if I was never in the picture.

  Would they be together?

  Would they be happy?

  Nevertheless, I couldn’t fault myself for what I didn’t know. I could only speak for my actions once I’d found out the truth and I believe that I’d handled the situation accordingly.

  I backed off. I backed away.

  But now, he was truly, 100% divorce.

  So now what?

  Jasper turned around, shocked as I entered the shower behind him.

  He looked at me.

  His face expression was a mixture of surprise and guilt. It was as though he had so much to say but didn’t know how to say it.

  As the water drenched every inch of his body, in silence, I moved closer to him.

  Jasper peered at me through the water surrounding his eyes and without saying a word, I leaned in and kissed him.

  But Jasper didn’t kiss me back.

  Hell, he didn’t even move.

  I wanted to express my thoughts, feelings and emotions to him but since I wasn’t exactly ready for words, he would have to deal with my body doing the talking instead.

  Yes, it was a little too soon for sex after the miscarriage, so we wouldn’t be able to go past third base, but I at least wanted him to know that I was considering boarding the love train again.

  It was far past time to forgive him. I could only hope and pray that from this day forward, things would be better than ever for us.

  A girl could still have hope…right?

  ***

  “Why the rush?”

  “Why the questions?” I asked Mama.

  As long as she’d been trying to marry me off, I couldn’t believe that she was questioning my decision to marry Jasper tomorrow.

  That’s right---I was finally getting married!

  It hadn’t even been but about a month since we’d been back on the best of terms, but I pulled everything together and I was ready to say I do.

  Was I rushing into it?

  Maybe.

  But I didn’t have any room in my mind for second guessing.

  Things between Jasper and I had been great and I was sure that he was the only man that I would ever truly love.

  Despite what he had done and some of the decisions
that he’d made, what we had was real. How we felt about each other was real. The connection, the chemistry, the bond, and the love that we shared were all real.

  And I was going to marry him.

  “I’m just asking. Is it because you’re pregnant? By the way, you’re not growing the way that you should be. Have you asked the doctor about that?”

  I rolled my eyes.

  Though I had never filled her in on the details, Mama wasn’t a stupid woman. Not even a little bit. So I was sure that she knew that I was no longer pregnant.

  She was just waiting on me to say it.

  “Mama, you and I both know that I’m not pregnant anymore. I had a miscarriage.”

  “I know…but why didn’t you tell me Storm?”

  “I don’t know. I guess I didn’t want to hear what you had to say. And I really don’t want to talk about it right now. I’m sure you’ll fill Daddy in on the news,” I said to her and walked away to continue inspecting the decorations inside of the church.

  I wondered if I had been a little too short and snappy with Mama, but I didn’t turn back around to ask her.

  Here lately, my whole attitude had just been a little different all the way around. I’ll be the first to admit that I felt as though the loss and the heartache had changed me in a way.

  I didn’t feel like the same person.

  I guess heartache and pain would do that to you. But nevertheless, I felt as though Jasper and I had been through the worst and instead of planning, waiting and holding out for the what ifs and the maybes of the future, I decided to take a chance and leap for once. Starting with this wedding.

  “How are you feeling?” Jasper asked me.

  “I’m okay. I’m ready,” I smiled at him.

  Jasper smiled back and took his place as rehearsal prepared to kick off.

  I looked around one last time and took a deep breath.

  Jasper was absolutely the one for me and I couldn’t wait to spend the rest of my life with him.

  And that’s exactly what I planned to do.

  *********

  ~Take a chance. Do something new. Do something different. What’s the point of having faith if you never plan to use it?~

  ~Anonymous

  Chapter Five

  “Really? I’m not as nice as I look. Trust me. What are you doing here?”

  “I need to talk to him.”