Under My Skin

by A. E. Dooland

  This time I took her hand. “Let's go get called 'madam' and 'sir',” I said neutrally. “But I think I might give the wine a miss, if you don't mind.”

  She knew exactly what I meant, and another big smile grew on her face as she watched me for a moment. “I'm so glad you decided to quit that stupid job,” she said. “Like, really, really glad. You don't know what it feels like to look at you and see you smiling.”

  She was wrong about that. “I think I do,” I said, and brushed my thumb across her own smiling cheeks. Despite all the shit going on for her, she looked so happy right now, and her happiness was contagious.

  Hand-in hand, we headed down to Darling Harbour.

  I still couldn't believe what I'd done at work; I don't think it had really sunk in yet. I kept remembering little details of the pitch and being stunned that I had said those things and I had done those things, having spent basically my entire life with my mouth glued shut. It was liberating to discover I could surprise myself like that. Yes, there was going to be fallout and yes, it meant I'd shortly be looking for a new job, but whatever. Right now it meant I could walk along the harbour in the middle of a beautiful day with probably the cutest girl in Sydney. I kind of thought I didn't look that bad, either.

  I didn't have to look away from reflective surfaces anymore as I passed them, and every window of every building became an opportunity to admire my hair, admire how the suit fit me, and admire how natural Bree and I looked together.

  We looked like any other young couple, and both of us had these huge, stupid smiles plastered across our faces. Her curls bounced as we walked and the pastel sundress she was wearing blew against her front as we walked, suggesting what was underneath. I wanted to kiss her. I wanted to touch her. It was exhilarating. I felt like a teenager again, except that I'd never actually felt like this even when I was one.

  She caught me stealing glances at her while we were crossing the foot bridge, and flipped her hair for my benefit. There was no one on either side of us, so on impulse I pushed her up against the railing and kissed her soundly. She made this groan at the back of her throat, reaching up around my shoulders. It was really hot right up into the part where my back started to hurt.

  “You're too short,” I told her, standing away and stretching out my spine. Secretly, I liked the contrast.

  “Only if we're standing up,” she said, eyes twinkling. “Want to go somewhere where we don't have to...?”

  I feigned innocence. “I'm pretty sure they'll let us sit down at the restaurant. No promises, though.”

  She smoothed her dress. “They have booths there, you know.”

  She was actually right. The restaurant did have padded booths along the back wall, and because we were really early for lunch, all of them were vacant. Bree led me right up to the one in the corner and then sat very demurely and patiently with her hands folded in her lap while the waiter recited the specials of the day.

  “I'll be back shortly for your orders,” he said. “Would you like something to drink in the meantime?”

  “Whatever coffee takes the longest to make,” Bree said with a completely straight face.

  I was the one who actually laughed at that. “Two lattes will be fine.”

  The waiter nodded and turned to leave. Bree watched him intently as he very slowly walked down the stairs and very slowly went into the kitchen. The second he was gone, she ignored the fact we were in a classy restaurant and slid across the long padded seat, grabbed my tie, and pulled me on top of her.

  I'd never made out with someone in public before; I'd always been kind of grossed out by it, especially the sound of it. But the sounds we were making now were about a million miles away from grossing me out, and the sounds she was making as we were kissing... fuck. They were hot. All of it was hot, and lying half on top of her with our bodies together...? Yeah, we were both lucky my Y-fronts were full of 100% silicone and not anything else.

  It actually took a considerable amount of willpower to convince myself to sit up and a bit away from her in time for the waiter to come back with our lattes. We probably looked extremely suspicious—Bree's cheeks were pink and I was breathing heavily—but if the waiter noticed, he didn't say anything.

  “So,” he said, taking out his notepad with his pen poised. “What did you decide on?”

  Bree and I looked at each other. Our menus were unopened.

  We did eventually decide on what we wanted; 'eventually' was the right word because Bree needed to discuss the pros and cons of every fucking item before settling on ordering a bowl of gourmet ice cream. Fuck that, though, I was getting that million-dollar steak. I'd hardly eaten anything in three days. They seriously could have just led the whole cow over to the table and drizzled gravy on it and I would have been good to go.

  When we were done with our food and I'd cashed in all my Mum’s term deposits and sold a kidney to pay the bill, we walked out on the harbour and looked around us.

  “We could go shopping,” Bree suggested. “And like get you some funky new clothes to go with your awesome hair. That's not a waste of money.”

  “It would involve taking off this great suit, though,” I pointed out, stroking the lapel. “And that’s not going to happen.”

  Bree put her hands on her hips. “Okay, then. So, like, where do people go to have fun in the middle of the day, anyway?” She looked down towards the harbour, where there was a patch of grass and several people just relaxing in the sun. There was a couple making out there, too. She looked up at me with a cheeky grin.

  The idea was pretty appealing, but I didn’t want to ruin Henry’s clothes. I shook my head. “Suit,” I reminded her. “Plus, I can do outdoor things when I'm pov, and they don't really say 'celebration', do they? I'm kind of feeling like saying, 'fuck it all' and spending a few hundred on whatever while I still can.” Something occurred to me. “Do you need a new phone?”

  She made a face. “Not until Andrej stops taking stuff.”

  I hummed. “Okay, so I can't buy you things. I don't really want to buy stuff for myself either, because I'll have to move soon and it will be just more things to put in boxes.”

  She still had her nose scrunched up. “So if you're not buying, like, food, and you don't want to buy things, how can you spend money and celebrate?”

  Even before she'd finished that sentence I knew the answer, mainly because Burov and my team had been there all night. “The casino,” I said. “Actually, The Star is really close to here, isn't it?” The more I thought about it, the more I liked the idea. They'd all been having fun there without me, hadn't they?

  “What's with that grin?” Bree asked me, mirroring it.

  “My team were there last night and I wasn't invited, and it was me who closed the contract today. Going there after rolling everyone is kind of poetic.”

  “Maybe you’ll win a million dollars, too,” Bree added. “That would be poetry.”

  I laughed and took her hand again. “In my dreams. Come on, let's go have some fun,” I told her, and we headed off to The Star.

  I'd had been there a few times myself over the years to entertain clients, but I'd never arrived during the day. I expected inside to be different than it was at night, but I was mistaken. As soon as we set foot in the casino, there was something about the lighting and the sounds and colours that was frozen in time. As soon as we were away from the door, I'd never have been able to guess whether the sun or the moon was up outside. There were no clocks anywhere, either.

  “I've never been in a casino before,” Bree told me, looking charmed by all the machines. “Is it usually this busy?”

  I shrugged. “I'm not sure I'm here often enough to make 'usually' statements about it,” I told her. “What do you want to do first?”

  Bree didn't know, so we just wandered around the floors arm-in-arm, looking at all the different things people were doing. We got stuck watching a very exciting game of Blackjack where the player was clearly every bit as knowledgeable and skilled as th
e dealer, but in the end, the house won. The man who'd been playing mopped his brow and laughed.

  “How much did you lose?” someone asked him.

  “This time? A grand,” he said, and then sat back down again. “What the hell, I brought two grand with me today. You game?” he asked the dealer, who smiled and set about shuffling the cards.

  “Two thousand dollars,” Bree said later, when we were walking around looking at all the different flashing, musical pokies. “That's so much! I can't believe someone would just blow that.”

  “Maybe he feels as lucky as I do,” I told her with a smile, hugging her against my side. “Everything’s so great that I don’t think I’d miss a couple of grand right now.”

  Bree looked unimpressed. “That much would replace your laptop, though,” she said. “Or get you a new tablet. It could buy you a lot of things that are better than just handing it over to a casino.”

  We’d reached the end of the aisle and I was looking around for what else we could do when my eyes rested on an advertisement on the wall. It was a helicopter flying over Sydney, and the text read, Scenic Helicopter Flights—Let The Star take you on a tour of Sydney you will never forget!

  I couldn’t think of anything more perfect right now. I already felt on top of the world. “I know what’s better than handing money over for nothing,” I told her with a grin, nodding at the advertisement.

  She twisted to read it, and then turned back to me with a huge smile. “Oh my god, are you serious?” she asked, bouncing up to me. “Like, yes!”

  Bree had never been in a helicopter before—something she must have told me a total of ten times on the way up to the rooftop. I hadn’t, either, but I was getting a lot more enjoyment out of her excitement than I was out of my own.

  We had to read a whole stack of documents about crashes and emergencies, and then we needed to fill out some indemnity paperwork before they’d let us even see the helicopter. That was all fine, except there was one question I got stuck on and left until last. Sex: it said, and the two options were M and F. I chewed the pen in thought.

  Technically I was female, wasn’t I? It should be a no-brainer, and this was for medical purposes. However, with the way I was a dressed and acting, if I circled ‘F’, I was going to draw a lot of attention to myself. Even despite that I was tempted to circle ‘M’ anyway, and my pen hovered above the question while I wondered if I could be sued for falsifying documents if I did. I wished there was an 'other' option like on Deviant Art, or an 'it's complicated' option like on Facebook. Fuck, how was I supposed to answer this?

  Bree saw my difficulty. Giving me a little smile, she pushed my hand against the paper and circled ‘M’ like it was no big deal. And it wasn’t, because the lady took our documents without even looking at them and then showed us out onto the rooftop.

  The helicopter was in the middle of the helipad with its door slid open, waiting for us. I couldn't help but smile, I was a little bit scared and it just made it more exciting.

  The pilot greeted us, gave us some safety information and then we climbed into the helicopter and belted ourselves in.

  There was this moment when the engine powered up and chopper blades began to turn that my stomach was full of butterflies—Bree grabbed my hand and laughed nervously — and then the helicopter lifted into the air like it was weightless.

  In no time at all we’d pulled way up above the harbour, and way up above all of the graffitied alleyways that I’d walked through hundreds of times on the way to work. I could see the Frost snowflake across the tops of the buildings, and pretty soon we were above that, too, and up into the sky.

  It was a beautiful clear autumn day. The water in the harbour was glistening with reflected sunlight and out on it, yachts with sails of a million colours were flitting in and out around the cruise ships. The city was full of people as small as ants, chatting and walking and sitting in the rich green parks that were tucked in amongst the skyscrapers. Out on the horizon, the iconic arc of the Harbour Bridge and the many wings of the Opera House were in silhouette against the bright blue sky.

  I’d been living here for four years, and every day I looked out on that city and those landmarks. But looking at it now, I felt like I’d never seen any of it before. It felt all new. This is where I live, I thought. This is my city. And it’s beautiful.

  As if echoing my thoughts, Bree leant towards me and shouted over the sound of the engine, “This is incredible!”

  You’re incredible, was my first thought as I smiled at her. I felt fantastic already, but I was so glad Bree had come to wait for me; I didn’t think I would have done this by myself. Having her here with me was like the cherry on top of the perfect day, and even though she was about as far away from perfect as someone could be, she still was perfect. She was perfect, and she was as beautiful as the shining cityscape behind her.

  Watching me, she smiled and reached up to touch my cheek. Her eyes swum a little.

  “Are you okay?” I asked her, referring to the tears.

  She nodded, her fingertips tracing my cheekbones. “You look so happy.”

  That’s because I am, I thought, and then kissed her.

  She laughed a bit afterwards. “You didn’t spent six hundred dollars just to look at me the whole time!”

  I kissed her nose. “I would, though.”

  Despite saying that, I didn’t. For the rest of the half an hour flight, we had our arms around each other and sat back to let the pilot take us on an aerial tour of Sydney.

  When the helicopter landed again on top of The Star, my face hurt from smiling so much. It didn't last that long, though, because Bree got her sundress caught in the seatbelt and kept making jokes about just leaving it there while the pilot tried to help her untangle it. She ended up leaving with the dress still on her, and we walked back inside the casino, laughing about it.

  “I think my bra’s only on one hook now, though,” she said as we walked up to the lifts. “It feels weird.”

  “Shit,” I said flatly. “I really hope it doesn’t fall off.”

  She giggled. “Yeah, I bet you do,” she looked around us. “And, like, I totally wouldn’t care about fixing it right here but I think we’d get thrown out if I just randomly took my top off…”

  I snorted. “With those hanging out? They’d offer you a job serving alcohol.” When she stopped laughing and gave me a thoughtful look, I squinted at her. “No.”

  She giggled. “I don’t know,” she said wriggling her shoulders uncomfortably. “It might be worth it to earn the money to buy your stuff back.”

  I gave her a look. “Fuck my stuff, keep your top on.”

  She stopped fiddling with her straps, groaned and gestured at her back. “Can you...?”

  I spent a few seconds unsuccessfully trying to help her before I gave up. Over her shoulder, there was a pub-bar-club thing in the background. I pointed at it. “If you're that uncomfortable, that place probably has toilets you can fix your bra in.” She was, so we headed in there.

  Given that we were in a casino, I should have guessed it was Sports Bar. There were huge screens with every different sport playing on them, and groups of men drinking, chatting and periodically cheering at the big TVs. We edged between them, looking for the toilets.

  On the way down the back, we passed an area that didn’t have crowds of people in it. In fact, it only had one. There was just one solitary young guy standing alone with his back to us, clutching a paper ticket like his life depended on it and leaning up towards a TV screen. It was playing a horse-race, and with how intent this guy was on the TV, you’d have thought it was his own horse competing.

  It was winning, too, because the guy kept saying, “Yeah, come on!” as we walked past, and then suddenly burst into a triumphant, aggressive shout of, “Yeah, you motherfucker! Yes, fuck you, fuck you!” behind us when the race ended.

  My eyebrows were up in my hairline, but Bree stopped dead in her tracks with a strange expression on her face. She pause
d for a moment, listening, and then led me back to the room. I followed her, not really sure what she was up to.

  The guy was still dancing around, pumping his fists and cheering for himself by himself in the middle of the empty area. I watched him as Bree stood frozen beside me, and when the guy realised we were staring at him, he stopped jumping around and looked at us. I suddenly recognised him from the photos I’d seen on Facebook.

  Oh, fuck.

  “Andrej?” Bree asked him, and in that one word I could hear her heart breaking.

  TWENTY-NINE

  “What are you doing here?” Bree asked in a tiny little voice. I could hardly hear her over all the conversations and cheers from the other sections of the enormous Sports Bar. “Andrej, what are you doing here?”

  It was obvious: he was in a casino, surrounded by dozens of screens showing dozens of sports, holding a ticket. I was guessing it wasn't the first time he'd done it, either, because like the high-roller playing Blackjack, he'd looked quite at home watching the race a moment ago. Bree had said he’d had stolen nearly three hundred thousand dollars from their parents; looking at him here, I could see we’d clearly solved the mystery of what had happened to all that money.

  I couldn’t even imagine how it felt for Bree to learn that all that money had been spent on gambling, but I could see every single one of those emotions playing out across her face.

  He didn't answer her, though. He didn't even look at her. He just walked straight past her and up to me, like she wasn't even there. “Hey, buddy,” he said casually, holding out his hand for me to grasp in greeting. “Andrej. You want to go halves on the next race?” He nodded back towards the screen. “It's paying out big time today. You won't be disappointed.”

  Past him, I could see Bree gaping at his back. “What have you done?” she asked him, looking between the television and the piece of paper in his hands. “Andrej...”

  I withdrew my hand so it was very clear I wasn't going to be his 'buddy'. What the hell was he thinking? “I know who you are,” I said clearly over the ambient noise. “Bree told me all about you.”