She wasn’t going to let me out of here without telling her something. I swallowed down one more burning sip of coffee and scrutinized the table. “Well…right when you left, we started…you know.”
She nodded knowingly as though she knew the whole story but wanted me to have the benefit of saying it out loud.
“Well, it got somewhat further than I’d really planned…not that you plan those sort of things.” I squirmed in my seat and quickly decided that was enough detail for that part. “But then my phone rang. It was you. When that interrupted us, he changed all of a sudden and got angry. Like he was mad at me for ruining his night. He was really rude to me, and he didn’t even say anything or look at me when I left.”
I wasn’t sure when I had started crying, but Kyra handed me a tissue from her purse. I took it readily, hoping that wiping away my tears would also wipe away my remorse and pain, but failing.
Although I hadn’t told Kyra about the most horrendous part of the evening, I still felt as if I had opened my heart to her and that I was now exposed and vulnerable, a heart patient on a cold, sterile operating table. I was anxious for my surgeon to swiftly heal the wound and sew me back up.
“How did that make you feel?”
Wonderful. The surgeon’s not done cutting. I began crying again. “Horrible, obviously!”
She handed me another tissue but surveyed me as if she wanted to cut deeper into my heart for a more revealing answer.
Her gaze easily penetrated my fortified exterior and searched around before eventually finding something hidden and bringing it to the surface where I could see it. The discovery came as a shock to me since I generally made it a point not to delve into my emotions.
I looked up at Kyra, eyes agape in bewilderment and fear as the realization set in. “I feel hopeless…and helpless to do anything about it.”
I looked away from her, but only managed to see both our faces in the coffee shop window. The contrast between my eyes and hers was immense. Where mine were anxious, hers were calm. Where mine were fearful, hers were confident. Where mine were confused, hers were assured. Her powerful, flickering light erupted from her skin like a volcano, startling me, and she opened her mouth to speak in a deliberate, fiercely determined voice.
“You are never without hope, Iris! And you certainly aren’t helpless either.” She was simply trying to strengthen my weak self-image, but there was something in the way she said it that caught me off guard. What did she know that I didn’t?
“Iris,” she continued cautiously, as though she sensed I wasn’t going to like what she was about to say. “A lot of times we react in certain ways to certain situations because of some event when we were younger. Things like that can shape the way we see things and how we think about ourselves.” Her light was now subdued to a faint but potent glow. “Now, I want you to think back. Where else have you felt these same emotions?”
I could feel her taking me on a journey through my mind back to a place in my memory I didn’t even want to admit existed. Nonetheless, I rode the nightmarish roller coaster for a brief moment until it screeched to a halt against a barrier I had unknowingly erected.
“I-I can’t,” I stammered. My heart quickened and I began to breathe rapidly. I hadn’t had a full-blown anxiety attack in two years since I had so thoroughly repressed my tragic memory. The thought of revisiting it sent a flood of panic through my veins.
“It’s okay, Iris. You’re okay.” Kyra put her hand on my arm supportively and peered into my eyes. “If you’re not ready to talk about it, that’s all right.” Her gaze relaxed and calmed me and I started to breathe a little more slowly. “Just know whenever you are ready, I’ll be here for you.”
She removed her hand to give me some space to collect myself, but I didn’t get much of a chance. My phone vibrated persistently, skittering along the glass-covered table with a harsh buzz. We both glanced at it and realized at the same time who was calling. I jerked my head up with a panicked expression. She simply nodded encouragingly for me to answer it.
I picked up my phone, took a deep breath, and then exhaled. “Hey, Josh.”
“Iris?” He sounded distressed. “I am so sorry about last night. Ever since I ran outside and you’d already left, I’ve been sick thinking about you. I wasn’t sure whether or not it would be okay for me to call.”
I stayed silent, not exactly wanting to give a positive answer to his implied question and not knowing what else to say.
“I know you’re mad at me. You have every right to be. I was a total jerk. I’m so sorry.” He paused for me to say something as Kyra observed me sympathetically. I wasn’t sure how to respond.
I had been clinging to my relationship with Josh the last few weeks, trying to pretend his reappearing leech didn’t bother me. But after remembering last night, I ultimately understood that my short relationship with Josh would have to end. It wasn’t just about how he had acted anymore. His black shadow was undeniably a part of him now, and I was losing my ability to refrain from what caused its presence.
“Uh…thanks, Josh,” I said, feeling awkward and shaky. “I’ll see you on Monday, okay?”
There was silence on the other line for a few agonizing seconds before he finally replied in a bitter tone. “All right…Bye.”
“Bye.”
I quietly set the phone back on the table. As Josh’s name disappeared from the screen, I unexpectedly felt lighter as if a burden had just been lifted off my shoulders.
Kyra seemed to notice the difference. “So you’re going to break it off, huh?”
Hearing it spoken out loud produced a twinge of regret in my stomach, but I attempted a weak smile. “Yeah.” I laughed nervously as I rolled my eyes and then groaned, smacking my hands against my forehead. “Ugh! What am I doing? It’s going to change everything!” I bit my lip at the thought of such uncertainty. I had grown so comfortable in our relationship, and I hated not knowing what my future held.
“It’ll be fine, Iris.” Kyra did her best to reassure me. “You’ll still have us girls.” At that, her face dropped slightly, and I knew exactly what she was thinking…Nicole. Both of us knew how attached she had become to Tyler. Since Tyler was Josh’s best friend, there was no telling how much of her I was going to see.
Kyra forced one more reassuring smile and offered to take me home.
“You’re going where?” I gawked at my sister.
“Haiti! Over Thanksgiving break! I’m so excited!”
I was astounded by Hanna’s announcement, but I was more shocked by Hanna’s appearance. Standing in the living room in front of the couch where our mother and I sat, she was glowing, literally. An extraordinary figure of light floated beside her, touching her shoulder.
“But…why?” I managed and then quickly averted my eyes, unable to observe her brilliant spectacle for too long. I couldn’t fathom why she would want to go somewhere like that, much less on a holiday. My silent mother beside me appeared just as perplexed.
“Well, why else would I go to Haiti?” she joked. “To help people, silly!”
She kicked my foot playfully and then gave us the details. Apparently, she was invited by her friends who were going with their church to hand out food and spend time with the orphans. With overflowing excitement she explained how this was her chance to go overseas and help disadvantaged people like she’d always wanted.
“Just like Mother Theresa, huh?” I flashed her a quick half-grin and then swallowed as my eyes returned to the carpet.
“I know! Isn’t it awesome?”
Despite my obvious discomfort and avoidance of her eyes and our mother’s silent shock, Hanna continued to sound upbeat and enthusiastic about her trip. I had always admired her, but that day, I realized how lucky I was to have such a truly good person as my sister.
I stood up and marched over to her, doing my best to look her in the eyes while I rested my hand on her other, unoccupied shoulder. “I’m really happy for you Sis. And believe it or not, I’m pr
oud that you’re my sister.” I beamed at her and her glow became brighter.
“We’re really going to miss you for Thanksgiving.” Our mom had snapped out of her daze and stood up to join us, but she seemed more disappointed than happy for her.
“I know Mom. I’ll miss you too. But we’ll still have Christmas. And it’s not like I don’t get to see you all the time. I live here, remember?”
She laughed, and I rolled my eyes sarcastically. “Don’t remind me.”
“Whatever. You know you love it.” She punched my arm, giggling, and then sighed contentedly while she peered out the window. “One thing I won’t miss this Thanksgiving is an early snow.”
She motioned toward the window as Mom and I turned to stare at the unexpected soft snow falling in our yard and in the street. The outside world looked peaceful. The sun was shining and I could hear the gentle wind that brushed an occasional icy flake against the window pane. But the beauty was just a deceptive facade hiding the truth of how bitterly cold the world actually was.
It was with that pessimistic attitude that I approached school on Monday, dreading the inevitable meeting with Josh at lunch. I had decided not to wait until after school as it would have been too uncomfortable sitting through lunch and Science. I just couldn’t pretend everything was normal.
During my first three classes, my apprehension and regret about what I would have to do gradually evolved into animosity and resentment. It was like I had been lied to and cheated. As if I had bought an expensive antique and displayed it proudly on my mantle, only to find out later it was a fake. Strangely, I wasn’t any angrier at Josh than I would have been at the antique. It wasn’t his fault I bought him under false pretenses.
My disgust at the whole situation consumed my thoughts and I barely even remembered any of my morning classes. Apparently, both Kyra and Lexi had made failed attempts to ease my tension and make me feel better in first hour. Then Patrick had tried to joke with me in third hour about needing help with his new assignment but, seeing I was in no mood to be joked with, grudgingly started it himself.
I had texted Josh that morning and told him I would meet him in the hallway just outside the cafeteria, which was almost always deserted. As I approached him, he was leaning against the wall with his face bent to the ground. He was already suspicious.
“Hey,” I said meekly.
He stayed slouching against the wall with his hands in his pockets for a few seconds before reluctantly lifting his head and then facing me. He let his stormy, resentful eyes meet mine.
“Hey.” He twisted his mouth and looked away. He must have guessed my intentions.
I gathered all my courage and attempted to ignore the awkward nervousness that tore into my stomach like acid. “You probably already know what I’m going to say…but I want you to know that this isn’t just because of Friday night.” I paused as he squinted his eyes questioningly.
“I just…” I stared at the ceiling, trying to find safe words that wouldn’t give my secret away but still get my point across and coming up short. “I need some space. You know? To clear my head. Get my priorities straight.” I searched his eyes for the slightest bit of understanding but found only anger.
He pursed his lips together and glared at me as if he were trying to decipher a code. “There’s another guy, isn’t there?”
That took me by surprise and I jumped back with a quick automatic, “No!”
However, despite the fact that another guy had nothing to do with my decision to break up with Josh, I knew instantly my answer wasn’t entirely true. I had been so focused on Josh and this torturous confrontation that I had failed to realize what my break-up with Josh could potentially mean for Patrick. The realization made my mind race with images, both from my recent past with Patrick and our imaginary future.
The shameful thoughts only lasted a few seconds, but I scolded myself for them even entering my mind at such an inappropriate time.
“Whatever,” Josh muttered.
His voice jolted me out of my reverie, and I raised my head. I jumped again, but this time, it was because a dark, angry shadow, different from the one I had become accustomed to, had suddenly developed into a turbulent cloud over Josh’s head. He rolled his eyes and walked away in a huff. Gaping with fear and worry, I stood as motionless as a statue, wondering what the sinister mass had planned for my former boyfriend…I assumed the worst.
He stomped away and swung open the door to the cafeteria, letting in a burst of lunchroom chatter and laughter that died away just as quickly as the door slammed shut.
It was then I caught a glimpse of someone in the far corner, watching me with a sly grin on his face. As the smile transformed into a laugh that echoed in the empty hallway, he turned to the outside door, pushed it open, and disappeared. The blond hair, green eyes, and flawless face were unmistakably Patrick’s.
Chapter 13
“DON’T WORRY, IRIS. WE won’t ditch you for some guy like Nicole did. Will we Kyra?” Lexi sounded protective and somewhat angry at Nicole’s behavior yesterday. She glanced at Kyra and back to me again while Kyra smiled encouragingly. Kyra knew I understood her allegiance had always been to me.
I was thankful for such loyal friends, but the memory of lunch yesterday still stung. After Josh had spit out the bad news to our lunch table yesterday, Nicole had chosen to leave with Tyler and sit with them and Sam across the lunchroom.
“Thanks, guys. I appreciate it.” I smiled at them gratefully and then sighed. “It’s just going to be hard adjusting, you know?”
They both nodded their heads solemnly and then turned to face to Mr. Delaney as he strolled by to pick up the assignment from the night before. I had totally forgotten.
It was a rare occasion when I failed to complete an assignment, and I felt like an idiot and a slacker for having nothing to give our teacher. My only excuse, which I was not about to articulate, was that I went home that night with so much on my mind having just broken up with my boyfriend at lunch. Then I had been forced to sit uncomfortably close to him in Science, feeling his cold, hateful eyes drill into the back of my skull.
Mr. Delaney would probably be shocked and disappointed when he saw my hands empty, but I was shocked instead when he stopped and peered into my eyes with understanding. I even detected sympathy in his tone when he said, “It’s okay Iris. I know you’ll have it for me tomorrow.”
As he walked away, my eyes grew wide in amazement. I was baffled but decided I should just accept his kind gesture by making sure I finished the assignment that night.
By the end of class, I had forgotten about Mr. Delaney’s strange behavior. I had even succeeded in pushing aside all thoughts of Josh by throwing myself into school work.
Two minutes into Computer Apps with Patrick, they all came rushing back.
“So…I hear somebody’s back on the market.” Patrick raised his eyebrows at me with a seductive grin.
I swallowed and tried hard not to smile in reply. After all, I had only been single one day. Even if I was willing to give this Patrick thing a chance, I would at least have to give it a few weeks if I wanted to show any common decency at all.
I pivoted in my chair to face him with squinted eyes. “Now, how exactly is it that you know this?” I instantly recalled seeing him in the hallway yesterday. But then I remembered he was too far away to hear anything.
Patrick leaned back and puffed out his chest, trying to look dignified and important and adding a distinguished, Sean Connery accent for effect. “Well, you see my dear, in my spare time I work for the Secret Service using my exceptional skills in investigation, blackmail, and seduction.”
“So who did you have to seduce to get this piece of information?” I smirked. “Josh?”
“Oh, no my dear,” he continued in his impression of James Bond. “I reserve that tactic for when I find it not only necessary but also—” he looked me up and down slowly as if he were admiring and scheming ways to use each and every part of me “—advantag
eous.…” He eventually returned his gaze to my face. “No, my dear, he most freely gave up the information at my house yesterday afternoon.”
Once I regained my composure from his insinuation, I had intended on firing back with some witty remark about his so-called “advantageous” seduction tactics, but the news about Josh shifted my focus.
“Wait.” I shook my head in disbelief. “You’re saying Josh was at your house yesterday? And he told you I broke up with him?” I immediately became panicked, knowing that whatever Josh had told Patrick could not have been flattering.
He laughed, dropping his character. “You forget that our dads know each other pretty well. Plus, he lives just around the block.”
“Well, yeah. But that doesn’t mean he has to be over at your house all the time.”
He cocked his head to one side, clearly amused. “Does our friendship bother you?”
Now I was really alarmed. “Friendship! So you’re friends now?”
He laughed again lightheartedly as if my agitation pleased him. “You don’t have to worry Iris.” He rolled his chair closer to mine, peered into my eyes, and softened his voice. “He could never say anything that would change my opinion about you.” He let that sink in for a moment, observing my, needless to say, positive reaction.
I shook my head and blinked in an attempt to think more clearly. I knew I should ignore his statement and go back to the conversation about his being friends with Josh, but something made me linger there. Curiosity, perhaps? A desire to feel wanted and admired? “What opinion would that be exactly?”
Patrick’s smile widened and he leaned in to whisper delicately in my ear as though he were telling me some illicit secret. “That you’re beautiful, smart, funny. And that I’ll stop at nothing to claim you as my own.”
His cool breath wafted through my ear, sending tingling chills down my arm and spine. I closed my eyes and allowed myself to float on the heavenly high of hearing him proclaim what I had only hoped for in my fantasies. Now that I knew how he felt, it was seriously going to be hard staying away from him, even for just a short time.
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