All About Sage (A City of Sails Romance Book 2)

by Hill, Joanne

  It wasn’t going to be good. The thought struck her harshly, and she was almost afraid to find out. What had he done? Had he been to prison? Dealt drugs? Killed a person? Been involved in gangs? White collar crime? Beaten his ex-wife?

  She had no idea, and as she looked at him, at this man who had just spent the last twenty-four hours caring for her, she wasn’t sure that she did want to know, now.

  And yet if he was taking a risk telling her the truth—and she could see that it was a risk him telling her—then equally, she had to take a risk and listen to it.

  She reached out, put her hand over his, gripped it, and said, “Then I want you to tell me.”

  An hour late, Sage could barely think. Could barely move. Could barely even breathe. His story had shattered her. As if she’d taken a physical pounding that had left her without the visible marks, but with the emotional ones still raw and hurting.

  For the most part, she’d sat there, in Ethan’s bed, with her hand covering her mouth as he told her his life story. It had begun badly. For as long as he could remember there’d been neglect and cruelty.

  And she’d waited expectantly for the saving moment, for the turnaround in his life. She’d never expected it to get worse as she’d listened with utter shock as he described how his teenage years had descended into a different kind of hell.

  Of the nightmare that had been the life that Josh, Anthony and others had lived in, and that, still a kid himself, he had lived with them, to protect them and to save them. In the process, he had risked himself.

  Tears had streaked down her face at one point. She had come close to breaking down altogether, but instead had used everything she had to not do that as he told her the details. But the tears still came, and her own heart had broken bit by bit.

  That this man, this beautiful, strong, amazing man, had endured such a life. That he had protected those boys when he had still been a boy himself.

  And she had no idea what to say, because anything she said was just going to be lame and Ethan didn’t deserve lame.

  When he finished, he stood up from his bed silently, and avoided looking at her.

  “I’m just going to the bathroom,” he said. She watched him walk out to his en suite, and then she sat back and stared at the wall, the shock still there.

  She took a deep breath, then another.

  She’d seen cruelty in her job. You didn’t work with young children in a rough part of town and not see the cruelty. You saw the good and the amazing and the wonderful, but you also had to confront the evil. She’d subscribed to the ‘there but for the grace of God go I’ philosophy in her life and always had. She’d never been a single mother desperate for a partner, but she’d seen that bone-deep need in others, and had quietly shaken her head at the relationships ending in disaster and the children suffering at the hands of men who didn’t care, and learnt not to judge, because she didn’t know what had gone on before. She didn’t understand what drove a woman to want a man even if he was pure scum.

  But she had never, ever, confronted it so brutally and so honestly, and with someone she knew.

  With someone she had feelings for.

  She took another breath as Ethan walked back in. He watched her guardedly and she knew he was unsure of how she’d react. Even she didn’t know how to react. What to say.

  He ran his hands roughly through his short hair.

  “The trial is scheduled to start in two weeks. It was postponed once already but there shouldn’t be any delays now. Josh and Anthony are heading back home tomorrow – they both live in the South Island. They’ll fly back up before the trial, and be here for jury selection.”

  She wished with all she had that there was something she could do for him, but there wasn’t. It was in the hands of the courts, and the lawyers. And the jury.

  She said quietly, “You are an amazing man, Ethan.”

  He looked blankly at her: he didn’t believe it.

  Of course he didn’t believe it. All through the heart-wrenching story, while she saw how brave and caring he was, he’d focused on the negative. On what he hadn’t done. What he couldn’t do.

  What he wished he’d had the guts to do.

  Her heart splintered even further.

  She pulled back the covers and gingerly put her feet on the ground, testing to make sure her head wasn’t about to swim.

  He said abruptly, “You shouldn’t get up. You don’t need to, Sage. I’ll take care of you.”

  And that was it.

  He’d been taking care of everyone. He’d taken care of his foster brothers; he’d taken care of the world serving in the defense force. He’d taken care of Emily, and now he was taking care of her.

  Who had been there to take care of him? Who had ever taken care of him?

  She stood up, felt fine, and she looked directly at him. “No.”

  His eyes widened slightly.

  She said, “No, Ethan. You do not need to take care of me, not anymore.”

  She walked over to him and, without hesitating, she put her arms around him, and she laid her head against his chest.

  He paused a second, and then his arms came around her, and she held him closer to her, as he held her. His body relaxed, and then relaxed even more, and she closed her eyes.

  This felt right.

  Incredibly, wonderfully right.

  The knowledge stunned her.

  As right as the moment she’d held her baby in her exhausted arms—frightened, relieved, elated—just holding her yet-to-be-named baby, filled with pure love for her, vowing to love her as best she could for the rest of her life.

  It felt that right, and nothing had ever felt that right since.

  It’s the emotion of the moment, she tried to tell herself. You’re just acknowledging the pain he’s been through, the pain he is still in, because there are times you’re a decent person and that’s what decent people do.

  That’s all it is.

  But she knew that wasn’t true. She could kid herself over a lot of things, but this? This wasn’t one of them.

  Ethan meant something to her.

  More than something.

  He released his grip on her and pulled back.

  He still held her, and his hands moved up her shoulders.

  “You don’t know how much you saying that means to me,” he said in a low voice.

  She swallowed down. “I think you’re—”

  She stopped. Her mind went blank. She couldn’t think of any word that was strong enough to describe what she thought.

  “Amazing,” she said finally, again. “I really do.”

  “I think you’re pretty amazing, too.” His gaze slipped to her mouth then back up to her eyes.

  She held her breath as that familiar longing wound its way through her, tense with need.

  Slowly, he lowered his mouth to hers.

  The touch took her breath away, and she slipped her arms up over his chest to clasp them behind his neck, as he intensified the kiss, and somehow, they were pressed up so close against one another, and the heat of his body shimmered through her.

  Kissing him back, the feelings curled and rushed through her. She moved her hands to his face to hold him even closer.

  It was close to heaven. Ethan, them being here like this, touching him like this…

  His lips moved from hers slowly, and he murmured, “This is wrong.” His breath was warm on her as he pulled back a fraction more. “This is wrong. You’re not well. I’m taking advantage.”

  “I don’t feel sick any more.” She slipped her hands down to his chest, and they stayed there against the black of his T-shirt. A thought struck her. “I hope you don’t get it.”

  A smile, the barest smile, curled at his lips. “If I do,” he murmured, “it will be worth it. Every minute of it.”

  He took a step back, and she sensed the reluctance.

  He had felt that moment between them as much as she had.

  He said, “Sage, I want you to know that it mea
ns a lot to me what you just did. You could have reacted in any other way but this. And I appreciate it.”

  He bent to her again, kissed her on her lips, lingered a moment before he pulled back.

  She swallowed down as air flowed between them, taking with it the scent of him.

  She said, “You make it sound like this—” She gestured between the two of them with her hands. “That what just happened is only out of sympathy.”

  His eyes were silently accepting. “Isn’t it?”

  “No.” She shook her head in frustration. “No. It’s not out of sympathy. It’s nothing like that.”

  “If I didn’t think you were likely to collapse I’d take you to bed. I want to make love to you, Sage. And I’d be a liar if I said I hadn’t thought of it, hadn’t dreamt about it. Hadn’t wondered what it would be like with you. And it’s not a new thing. It’s been that way a long time.”

  Her breath hitched in her throat. She’d do it. She wasn’t that sick. And if he was going to catch that virus, it was probably already incubating.

  He went on, “But I’m not right for you. I’m no good for you. I’m not what you need.”

  Cold air settled over her. “How,” she said, “do you know what I need?”

  “I don’t.”

  He looked at her with such intensity it burnt.

  “But,” he finished, “I know that I’m not it.”

  You can’t know that, she wanted to say. But it would have been futile. Ethan McGraw didn’t argue. She could stand there and argue and he might listen, but he wasn’t going to change his mind.

  She knew that about him.

  He turned around and walked out the door, and deep within her, that burgeoning hope began to shatter.

  She took a deep, deep breath.

  There was no calming effect. No feeling better.

  Nothing.

  Just the knowledge that he was right about one thing. He wasn’t the kind of man she needed because she didn’t need any kind of man. She never had.

  Her head began to swim with astonishing speed, and she climbed back into bed, lay on her side, and closed her eyes until the sensation had passed.

  She didn’t need any kind of man.

  But she needed him.

  Tiredness began to seep over her.

  And now she knew him, now she had tasted him, now she had been embraced by the power of him with his arms around her, now that she knew just what an incredible person he was, she didn’t know how she had a hope of ever surviving without him.

  CHAPTER FOURTEEN

  In slow motion, Ethan made dinner for Josh and Anthony. Then, as they sat around the kitchen table with beers and bowls of spaghetti Bolognese and a plate of garlic bread, they intentionally talked about anything but the trial.

  “What’s the story with Sage?” Josh added a second helping of spaghetti to his bowl.

  Ethan skulled more beer. “She’s a friend of a friend.”

  Josh and Anthony exchanged a look. Ethan ran his hand along the back of his neck. “It’s complicated.”

  He winced. He was turning into a chick lit film.

  Anthony rolled his eyes.

  “It is.” Ethan couldn’t decide whether to mock himself or the situation. Both. “The house I bought in Auckland is right next door to Sage,” he explained. “Jack’s wife Robyn rented it before they married, I bought it and I’m renovating to flip it on.”

  Anthony took a long gulp of beer. “This is the place where you’ve been staying?”

  Ethan nodded, pushed his plate away. “Sage lives just over the fence. She and Robyn were neighbours and best friends.”

  “It sounds complicated. What does she do?”

  “Works in childcare.” He took a deep breath. “I guess she’s seen the worst in humanity, too.”

  Anthony got up to take their plates, left them in the sink, and came back with more beer.

  He said, “However complicated it is, it’s kind of you to look after her. Is she with anyone?”

  Ethan stared into his half-empty bottle. “She’s got a friend. A boyfriend.”

  “Ah.” Josh shrugged. “You obviously like her a lot.”

  Ethan would never have admitted that a week ago. He pinged his bottle. “But it’s never going to be anything, me and her. It can’t.” He noted Josh give Anthony a look, and looked away. He didn’t sympathy, especially over this.

  “Ethan,” Josh began after a minute. “You need to cut yourself some slack.”

  Ethan rubbed his hands down his face. “Not this again.”

  Josh ignored him. “You saved us. You saved us from a hell that could have been worse. You were behind the trial, you’ve got us here while we go through it. And yet…”

  Ethan knew what they were going to say. But he asked it anyway. “And yet what?”

  “Yet you don’t believe you deserve a life.”

  “I have a life.”

  “A better life. A life with a woman, with kids, with a family. You deserve what you never had growing up.”

  He didn’t deserve any of that.

  Josh and Anthony did, though, and they had it. They had women who loved them, they had children that they loved to death. They had gotten the help they’d needed, and once this was over, Ethan had no doubt it would go a long way towards even more healing for them.

  “You deserve it,” Anthony said.

  “I don’t.” Ethan pressed his lips together, felt the frustration that had condemned him, and was still condemning him, take hold. “I could have—”

  “Stop,” Anthony said, his voice a decibel off yelling. “Ethan, stop this shit right now, because you’re the reason we got through. We went through the nightmare, but so did you, and who looked out for you? We had you, man. A lot of kids have no one, but we had you.”

  Ethan swallowed down. Looked up at them both. He knew they meant it. But it still didn’t seem enough.

  “I know what you’ve always thought,” Josh said suddenly. “But listen to me. You did the right thing in not killing him.”

  Ethan closed his eyes.

  Anthony said, “That’s what gets you, isn’t it? That you didn’t kill him when you had the chance, and you had chances. Plenty of them.”

  Ethan took a slug of beer, felt like downing the whole lot. He didn’t answer, just let the words wash over him. He’d had chances. He hadn’t taken them. There’d been reasons. Plenty of reasons.

  “We all know it would have been too good for him,” Josh said quietly. “Death would have been the way out for him and you’d have done time in prison. In spite of the circumstances, you’d have done time, and you said it once yourself. No one was going to listen to you because no adult gave a shit about you. We were all just punk kids from bad homes and who was going to listen to us with the lies we told? Who’d have believed the truth?” He pushed himself up from the table. “And now, it’s so close to being over I can taste it, and he’s going to be behind bars where prison justice can take over and deal to him.”

  He came over, put his hands on Ethan’s shoulders and squeezed. “You did the right thing by us and the others. Don’t ever believe otherwise.”

  Ethan gritted his teeth against the recrimination. That he hadn’t had the balls to enact that ultimate justice. He could have done it. He’d thought about it. But he’d been wise enough, even that young, to accept the truth. Josh was right. No one would have believed him, and the boys had been too young, too scared, and too powerless to testify in his defense.

  You did the right thing. You did it then, and you’re doing it now.

  If it weren’t for you, Ethan, we wouldn’t be here.

  Ethan glanced out the door and down to his room where Sage slept. Zonked out and probably not dreaming of him.

  “Give yourself a chance.” Josh took his seat but for a long while, he held Ethan’s gaze. “You deserve the world, Ethan McGraw. And it’s about time you went out and you freaking well got it.”

  Sage woke the next morning, and felt a t
housand percent better.

  She headed straight for the shower, and when she was dressed she tiptoed out to the hall.

  She heard noise in the kitchen and found one of the men at the table devouring bacon and eggs.

  She tried not to think about what Ethan had told her last night. Tried not think about their nightmare.

  “Hi,” she said finally.

  He looked up, grinned. “Hey.”

  Josh – or Anthony – rose to his feet and gestured to the stove. “Can I get you anything? Bacon, sausages, scrambled eggs?”

  “Thanks, but I’m not up to anything just yet. I appreciate it, though.” She hesitated. “Do you know if Ethan’s around?”

  He nodded. “He’s out the back. He went out a few minutes ago.”

  “Okay. Thanks. I’m Sage, by the way.”

  He came over and shook her hand warmly. “Josh. You’re feeling better?”

  “Heaps, thanks.”

  He watched her closely a moment then gestured out to the western side of the property. “I think you’ll find him out there.”

  She was about to head outside, when she changed her mind. She went back to Ethan’s room and picked up her phone.

  She had to do this. It was the right thing to do, for all of them.

  She dialed Barry’s number and took a deep breath.

  Ten minutes later, Sage spotted Ethan leaning against a shed, standing still as he looked out over the paddocks.

  She thought he was on his phone, but then realized he wasn’t. His hands were in the pockets of his jeans, and he kicked his heel at some dirt. He hadn’t seen her.

  He was so…so…everything she wasn’t used to.

  Everything she never thought she wanted.

  She kept walking.

  He turned suddenly, saw her, and pushed himself away from the shed.

  Caution sat across his face as she stopped a few feet away from him.

  Nerves hit her hard and she searched for something natural to say.

  “It’s beautiful here,” she said finally. There were so many trees, and they were young trees. He must have planted them himself. She’d judged him. She’d been a fool.