Breathless

by Vanessa Marie

  Jules lay on his side by her feet and propped his head up on his hand. "I guess that makes sense. When do you go back to the doctor that looks up your lady junk at the little creature?"

  She laughed and shook her head. "You have such a way with words. Where the hell did creature come from, anyway? Everyone is calling her that."

  "Your dad came up with that. Impressive, huh?" He raised both of his brows.

  Sticking out her bottom lip slightly, she nodded impressed. Joe didn't usually come up with things that good. "Never would have pegged him for that one. I go back in two weeks. She said I'm obviously high risk and because my heart problems were congenital and hereditary, there's a big chance I can pass them down. I guess once she's big enough, they're going to do tests to check her heart regularly so we know what we're getting into. Then she said something about setting up my birthing plan and that they will induce. I won't go to term because of my condition."

  His faced paled, although she frantically wanted to explain that it wasn’t bad. "Jules, it's okay. Inducing is a good thing. It means they can control the birth and make things go their way. She talked a lot about it the day before they released me."

  He sat up and wiped the beads of sweat that appeared on his forehead away with the back of his hand. "I don't like this shit. Can't it just be like one of those things where they do the u-turn thing?"

  Laughing, she couldn't believe how clueless he truly was. "You mean a C-section?"

  "Yeah, that thing."

  She shook her head. "Nah, they can't. I'm on blood thinners. They said there would be a high probability I would bleed out and I wouldn't recover, so they don't want to take the risk. She said everything would be okay if my heart holds out."

  That paleness took over his face again like it did every time she talked about a reality with her mortality. "What do you mean if you heart holds out? It's going to hold out. It has to. They put that thing in. I thought that's what all this was for?" His voice almost broke because he was so upset.

  It was kind of ironic how her fear and need to be comforted always ended up turning into her explaining things and comforting someone else about her situation. "Jules, I still need the transplant. This surgery was just a Band-Aid. I'm not even a candidate anymore because I'm pregnant. It's too risky. Hopefully, everything will go okay until I can have her. Then I can get back on the list and get it."

  He clamored across the bed toward her and pain shot through her chest again. Wincing, she bit down on her bottom lip to stop from crying out because she knew he was hurting, too. "I'm sorry. I didn't know. How could I not have known? I'm the worst friend in the world."

  She hugged him with her free hand and rubbed his back. "Hey, don't beat yourself up. It's not like I broadcast it. Your mom just found out I was off the list the other day and she probably didn't want to upset you. Are you sure you're not the one with the pregnancy hormones? 'Cuz you're all kinds of cray, dude."

  Jules laughed and wiped his face with his thumbs. "I just never thought I'd be an uncle. Then there’s the possibility of losing you and a baby…it's just hard. I don't want to think about it."

  "Then don't. Stop being such a fucking girl." She reached over and swatted him in his junk.

  He fell back and coughed while holding himself. "Oh, God. Why'd you do that?"

  Charlie shrugged her good shoulder and chuckled. "I’m just making sure you still had a pair."

  "I hate you." He rolled over on his face, still holding himself.

  When she stopped laughing and he was finally able to breathe again, he sat up and looked at her. "So, did you and Sarah finally make up?"

  "Yeah. I'm not mad at her. I know I put everyone in an impossible situation." Part of her was hurt at Sarah's reaction and subsequent disappearance but she was there when it mattered.

  "Did she come by and say goodbye before she left town?"

  Charlie nodded. "Yep. She said she had a long drive ahead of her to get up to school. I'm excited for her. Stanford's a big deal."

  Jules picked at his fingers. "She told me she felt weird about how things were left and she hopes you guys will be okay."

  There was no doubt in Charlie's mind they would be. "We'll be fine."

  They went back to their carefree banter for the rest of the evening. It was exactly what she needed. No more talk about mortality or the baby. It was just her and Jules being themselves, together.

  ✦✧✦✧✦✧

  Jules left earlier in the afternoon and her dad was giving her some space. They hadn't really had much time alone since she'd gotten home with everyone wanting to visit. Now that everyone else was finally gone, Joe walked across the living room they rarely used and sat on the coffee table in front of Charlie with his knees just inches from the couch.

  "So are you going to acknowledge the fact the man asked you to marry him, or are you simply going to ignore it?"

  She frowned and peered up at him from her book. She noticed the bowl of rocky road ice cream in his hands but was not sure what to say. The bowl was enough of a distraction, so she snatched it out of his hand and shoved a spoonful of ice-cream into her mouth. She wasn't sure if Sam had told him or how he'd found out, but she honestly didn't want to know.

  "Charles, you can't ignore me." He leaned forward with his forearms on his knees, invading her space.

  Not wanting to have this discussion, she scooped another large spoonful into her mouth ignoring him. Joe snatched the bowl away from her hand before she even swallowed the bite.

  "Hey, I was eating that!" She swallowed hard and pointed her spoon at him in protest.

  "Yeah, and I was trying to have a discussion with you." He grabbed the spoon right out of her hand and took a heaping spoonful for himself, letting out a groan. "Oh God, that's good."

  "There's nothing to discuss. Stop eating my shit!"

  "I'll stop eating when you start talking."

  Charlie licked her lips, still tasting the chocolaty goodness that lingered on them. He wasn't playing fair.

  Joe took another large bite, taunting her. "Mmmmmm."

  "You suck, old man. This is blackmail." She grit her teeth like she always did when he baited her.

  "If the only way to get you to talk is to withhold food, well, then so be it." Joe slowly lifted another heaping spoonful toward his mouth. The craving for marshmallows, chocolate, and nuts was suddenly so overwhelming that it was too much to take.

  "Fine! I'll talk, but don't you dare eat that bite."

  An evil smirk tugged at the corner of his lips as he shoved it in his mouth.

  "You asshole. That's a party foul."

  "Did you just call your father an asshole?"

  "Hey, if the shoe fits…."

  "Just for that...." Joe cocked an eyebrow at her and brought the bowl to his chin, shoveling the rest into his mouth.

  Charlie narrowed her eyes at him and gave him a menacing shake of her head. "I hope you get brain freeze."

  "You can't freeze what's not there," he mumbled with a laugh as ice cream dribbled down his chin to his shirt.

  She covered her mouth and looked away with her face scrunched up in disgust. "That's freaking gross. You're not even senile yet and you're already drooling 'n shit."

  Joe let out a laugh. "Well it's good to see you have some semblance of your sense of humor left."

  "Oh, look at you and your big words."

  "Oh, bite me."

  "I should since you ate all my ice cream."

  Giving her his best stern look, she knew the jig was up. Their verbal dance was over and there was no more avoiding the dreaded conversation.

  "So, when are you going to talk to him about it?" He moved from the table to the chair next to her.

  "I'm not."

  "Come on, kid. I've raised you better than that. Don't do this to him."

  Was he really going there and pulling that bullshit? "What the hell is that supposed to mean? The only thing I'm doing is protecting him from inevitable pain."

  "
Seriously? Don't pull that bullshit with me."

  Her heart pounded rapidly in her chest as her cheeks flushed with heat. "It's not bullshit," she said with a growl.

  "Charles, I think you forget I've been in your shoes-"

  Is he out of his fucking mind?

  She didn't even let him finish before she cut him off. "The hell you have. You think you have an idea because you were with mom, but you have absolutely no idea what it's like to actually go through any of this." Tears welled in her eyes as she sucked in a ragged breath and forced herself to look away.

  "That's what I wish you'd pull your head out of your ass about. Just because we aren't the ones being cut open doesn't mean this doesn't affect us. We have been on this ride with you from day one, every step of the way. So, no, you don't get to tell me how I feel—or anyone else, for that matter."

  Deep down, she knew he was right to some degree, but it still wasn't fair for him to compare what he was feeling to what she was dealing with. Not that it was a competition to her, but he always tried to make it seem like everything was so simple and in black and white.

  But it wasn't, and she was slowly sinking to the murky grey in the middle of it all.

  Sniffing hard, she tried her best to will the tears back to keep them from falling.

  "I'm not trying to start a fight with you here. I just—“

  She cut him off again. "Gee, that's funny. It seems like that's exactly what you're doing."

  Joe groaned, rubbed the back of his neck, and leaned forward in the chair. "Look, I just want you to see this isn't a battle that you have to fight alone. I may not have been cut open as many times as you have been physically, but trust me, kid. Every time you've gone under the knife, I've been cut. It's changed me. A piece of my heart was taken away because I had to watch you suffer. As a parent, it's your worst nightmare." He exhaled slowly, trying to steady his breathing. "Having a sick child and being absolutely helpless to make them better, so they don't suffer. It's unbearable." Joe stared off into space trying to stop his quivering bottom lip.

  Tears spilled down Charlie's cheeks silently as she racked herself with guilt. Her dad suffered because of her. She knew it wasn't what he was trying to tell her, but it still hurt to hear and there was nothing she could do to ease his pain. This was the kind of pain she wanted to spare Sam. How could he not see that?

  "I understand more than you know, dad. Not only am I experiencing the fact that I may be setting my child up for the same fate I have lived my entire life and there isn't a damn thing I can do to fix it…." She bit her bottom lip and sucked in a shaky breath. "I may very well kill my child before she ever even has a chance to meet the world. No matter what you think you know, you have no idea what that's like. So please, don't patronize me."

  "I'm not." The sadness in his eyes made her break further and she didn't think that was even possible.

  "Dad, you don't think I've lived with the guilt of what I've put everyone through?"

  This time he cut her off. "Don't you dare. There's no reason for you to feel guilty for anything. None of this is your fault and we certainly don't blame you." He moved next to her on the couch and pulled her hands into his as tears slipped down his cheeks.

  "It doesn't matter. I do and I always have. It's my fault you guys feel the pain and it's the same thing that's going to happen to Sam. If I marry him, he is going to have the same fate you've had. That's not fair to him. He'll be stuck. If we're not married, he can walk at any time, free and clear. It won't be messy."

  Joe scoffed, "That has got to be the dumbest thing I have ever heard you say, kid. It won't be messy. Are you fucking stupid? That man loves you and he's the father of your child. It's messy. It will always be messy because once there's a child involved, a new level of unconditional love comes with it that you won't fully understand until you meet her in person."

  Charlie rolled her eyes. She was so sick and tired of hearing that shit. Like she wouldn't know what the love of her child would feel like until she was born. She already felt it.

  "Roll your eyes all you want. You'll see, and one day, probably when Hell freezes over and Satan dies of a heart attack, you'll admit you were wrong." She smirked and let him continue with his speech. "If you don't want to marry him because you have no interest in marriage or you don't think Sam is the man you want to spend the rest of your life with, by all means, say no. However, if you said no because you think you're sparing him some sort of inevitable pain that he may go through—and I say this with all the love in the world—you're an idiot."

  She scowled up at him in disbelief. "How can you say that after everything you went through with mom? She died because of me in this same exact situation. Are you blocking out the fucking memory or something?"

  Joe scrubbed his face exasperated and groaned. "God, you're more stubborn than she was because you don't fucking listen. Charlie, look at me." She met his eyes. "You. Are. Not. Her. Your situations are not the same. You have a chance. My grandkid has a goddamn chance. A big one. So for the love of all that's holy, stop jumping in your fucking grave before it's even dug."

  "I'm just being realistic here. You guys all have your damn heads up in the clouds and act like there's a fucking unicorn running across the sky shitting skittles."

  Joe laughed and stroked his chin. "I don't know where you come up with the shit that comes out of your mouth sometimes. I really don't."

  She could tell he was just as frustrated as she was, but she needed him to understand where she was coming from. It's not like she was trying to be a pain in the ass just for the sake of being a pain in his ass, like she usually was. Tears already rimmed her doe eyes.

  "Will you hear me out, please?"

  "I'm listening because I really don't understand your reasoning here."

  Turning on the couch, she faced him and stuffed a pillow under her arm that was still hanging in a sling to take the pressure off her aching neck. She'd forgotten how much her neck ached from a damn sling.

  "I want to live. I want this baby. I want to be healthy. I want—" Her lips quivered as salty tears slipped into her mouth. While sniffing, she wiped the back of her hand across her face and exhaled before she was able to continue.

  "I want...I want to marry Sam more than anything in the world, but I can't do that until I know I can give him forever. I want to give him forever, daddy, but I know that it's not in the cards for me. Not yet. Maybe once I get my heart, but we both know the probability of that happening is slim to none. We don't even know if this stupid Robo-cop contraption is going to keep the used car pile of shit in my chest beating long enough to keep me and this little monster alive. So, I can't hold out hope that it's going to be okay yet. Because if I do…."

  A sob rocked through her and caused her to lose her breath. Joe cradled her in his arms the best he could and muttered, "Shhhh, it's okay. Everything's going to be okay, baby."

  "What if it's not? If I let myself hope and if I give Sam that hope and then it's all stripped away, it'll change him forever. I can't let him live with that kind of scar on his heart. That kind of pain makes you feel like you're walking around breathless, gasping for air."

  "How'd you get so smart?" He kissed her forehead.

  "I had an amazing father to teach me."

  Joe pulled back to look at her. "Make me a promise."

  Looking up into his tear-filled eyes, Charlie was ready to promise him anything she could. "Yeah?"

  "Not if, but when you get your heart and my grand-monster is running around healthy, happy and like a little lunatic, and when unicorns are shitting skittles and all is right in the world—if you're still hopelessly in love with the man—will you marry him?"

  "Yes."

  "Good girl."

  Joe pulled her back into his chest gently and kissed her forehead. Charlie inhaled his scent that was only his. The scent that made her feel at ease and at home let her fall asleep against her dad after spilling her soul to him.

  CHAPTER ELEVEN

>   Joe's recliner had become Charlie's second home over the last month of her recovery. It was the only place she could get comfortable enough with her arm propped up just right that it didn't cause shooting pain through her chest. Her incision finally healed and thankfully, the only thing her sling was wearing these days was the rail cap on the banister of the staircase. No one had really pushed her about the pregnancy or the fact that she'd hidden it from them. She was pretty sure they were all walking on eggshells around her and were afraid that she’d crack if they pushed.

  Sam brushed his lips and scruffy face against Charlie's forehead, causing her to stir from her nap in the recliner. Her eyes fluttered open to see him standing above her. It took her a few moments to remember where she was and realize she wasn't dreaming when he smiled down at her. It showed off the dimples she couldn’t resist.

  "Sorry, I didn't mean to wake you."

  "Mmm, you can wake me up like that any time you want," she groaned.

  He leaned forward further and planted a kiss on her lips and then rubbed her expanding belly. "How are my girls?"

  "Tired, and we really want to take a bath," she said with a weak smile.

  "Well, speaking of baths, there's something I've been wanting to tell you." He kneeled in front of her and rested his chin on the arm of the chair.

  What a bath would have to do with anything he'd wanted to talk about had her mind spinning in circles. "Um, okay? I'll bite."

  "Do you remember when we talked about going away before the summer ended?"

  She nodded as she recalled the fight they'd had over it and then the incredible make up sex they'd had afterward. "Yeah, that was months ago. What about it?"

  Sam leaned over the chair, kissed her stomach and looked up at her. It made her heart ache when he looked at her that way. She felt like she didn't deserve for him to love her as much as he did because she couldn't give him everything he wanted. "What you don't know is, that night, I booked us this amazing suite with a huge soaking tub for a weekend. Then everything happened and we didn't get to use it. Anyway, the people down there were so amazing that they agreed to keep our reservation and move it to this weekend after I called and told them a very short version of things."