Charlie wasn't sure whether she should be excited about being able to go away or pissed for him telling strangers their business. She arched a knowing brow at him and demanded, "What did you tell them, exactly?"
His eyes shot up to meet hers full of worry, "Babe, I thought you'd be excited about this? A nice change of scenery, that's all."
"Well, I don't like a bunch of strangers knowing my personal business."
Sam shook his head. "You're impossible, you know that? All I told them was my pregnant girlfriend had to have lifesaving surgery and that's why we missed our reservation. I also said now that you've recovered and have permission from your doctors to travel that a weekend at their B&B is exactly what you need."
So many things raced through her mind at once. Being fine one second and then jumping off the handle the next made her a hormonal nightmare. She needed to get her emotions in check and fast because she felt like she was going to lose her shit at any moment. She she couldn't believe that Sam could do something so thoughtful even after everything she'd put him through. "Wait, did you say you got permission from my doctors, or did you just make that shit up?"
He brushed her cheek with the back of his knuckles and smiled, "Oh, I called. I talked to Doctor Brown and Doctor Cage. They both gave the okay for you to go as long as you promise to take it easy. So, no crazy sex positions you've been learning, no swimming and running naked through the streets. Oh, and…he said you had to park the bike, but I kinda figured you already knew that one."
Charlie untucked her feet from beneath her and wrapped her legs around his waist. She buried her face into his neck as a wave of emotion overtook her senses and made her eyes water.
"Thank you," she whispered as she pressed her lips against his skin. "I don't know what I did to deserve you."
He pulled back and cradled her face in both of his hands so he could kiss the tip of her nose. "I really wish you'd stop thinking things like that and understand that we're in this together. I love you, Charlie, and I'm not going anywhere no matter how hard you push me. I'm going to push back. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't still a little upset that you kept everything from me, but I guess now that I know the full scope of the situation, I can kind of understand."
She searched his eyes and knew he meant every word before she even asked. "You do?"
Sam shrugged as his lips turned up in the corner. "Yeah, in a way. I don't think I'll ever be able to understand on the level that you want me to, but I'm trying."
"I'm sorry I've been such a mess. I always do everything backwards and now I feel like I'm a ticking time bomb in more ways than one."
He chuckled and looked around wide-eyed. "You have been all over the place. We never know who we're going to meet from one second to the next. Sassy Charlie, Crying Charlie, Don't Fuck With Me Charlie, Hangry Charlie, I'll Cut A Bitch Charlie or my personal favorite, Can't Get Enough Sex Charlie…."
"So, basically, you're saying I'm bipolar?" She knew damn well she should have been declared insane ten times already.
"Nah, more like a multiple personality disorder, but you're hot, so it's okay that you're crazy."
She couldn't help but laugh. "Add another name and I could be my own version of the Seven Dwarfs."
"Meh, you're too tall." He rubbed her belly again and began talking to it now. "But you, my little stinker, could very well be a dwarf. Don't worry; I'll love you no matter what."
Listening to Sam talk to her belly brought tears to her eyes again and it gave her hope for a future she hoped they could have. She wanted nothing more than to give him everything he deserved and—for the first time—everything she realized she wanted too.
✦✧✦✧✦✧
Their trip was scheduled for the next day and it was almost time for their appointment to find out the sex of the baby for sure. Charlie changed her shirt for the tenth time, trying on a fitted t-shirt and promptly ripping it off when Sam walked in the room, smirking.
"What was wrong with that one?"
She turned around and glared at him. "How long have you been standing there?"
"Long enough to see you try on a million things that all look beautiful on you."
"What the hell ever. Nothing fits. My pants won't button and my shirts aren't long enough to cover my gut and my busted button." She frowned and looked down at her expanding waistline. Everything seemed to fit fine and she hadn't needed any kind of maternity clothes until that morning.
Sam walked over and wrapped his arms around her from behind, gently kissing her bare shoulder. "Whether you believe me or not, you're glowing. I happen to think you're the most gorgeous woman I've ever seen…even more so, now that you're carrying my child."
She turned in his arms to face him, grabbed the flaps of her jeans, and tried once again to force them together. They wouldn't budge. She locked her jaw and looked up at him, defeated. "How can you think that when I look like a can of busted biscuits?"
He laughed and looked down at her wrists. "Do you know how we fix this? Here…." Sam pulled the hair tie off of her wrist, looped it through the button hole in her jeans, and hooked it over on the button. "There; all fixed. They'll stay together and up for now. Find a shirt you're comfortable in and then we can go get you some clothes that will fit your new body after your appointment."
Charlie was in awe of him and all of the little things he always surprised her with. It wasn't that she hated the way she looked. She just didn't like that nothing fit comfortably. "Where'd you learn that little trick?" She didn't think that was something a guy could just come up with on the spot all on his own. He'd have to have seen it somewhere before.
"Alex, actually. One of her friends popped a button at our house a couple years ago when she was pregnant and I saw Alex show her that trick while her friend was in hysterics."
She pulled on a long tank top and it covered the top of pants just fine now that they were no longer hanging open.
"Well you can thank her for me later," she said as she pulled him toward her by his shirt. Charlie ran her hand up the side of his scruffy cheek and kissed him deeply. She let her tongue invade his mouth. He welcomed it with a groan and wrapped his arms around her tight. They didn't have time for any kind of shenanigans and she knew it, so Charlie forced herself to break away from their embrace.
"We have to go," she groaned against his mouth.
"I know," he panted and rested his forehead against hers as he reached down to right himself.
The bulge in his pants was too much for her to resist. Reaching down to rub her hand across his length through his jeans, all she wanted to do was yank them off and let him take her right then and there. Sam moaned and clasped her hand with both of his. "Don't start something you can't finish."
She cocked a brow up at him wanting to throw caution to the wind and risk being late. "What if I want to finish it?" She rubbed him again.
"Mmm, baby there's nothing I'd love more than to take you right now, but I need to hear it from your doctor that it's okay first. God, I'm going to be walking around with blue balls and a hard on for the rest of the afternoon now. Thanks."
Charlie laughed knowing at least he was going to be suffering the same sexual frustration she had to until they got the okay. "Fine. Let's go."
✦✧✦✧✦✧
They didn't have to wait long to be called back into the exam room. Charlie was hoping they'd do the ultrasound first and then see the doctor but it didn't work out that way. She couldn't believe how much time Sam had taken off work to make all of her appointments with her, but he assured her it was during his planning period and lunch break. The sound of velcro ripping echoed throughout the small tiled room as the nurse took the blood pressure cuff off. Her brows were pulled together and her lips were pinched together. She didn't say a word and it made Charlie worry.
"Something wrong?" They usually told her what her pressure was, but this girl didn't.
"Your pressure's just a little low. It's probably nothing. I'll have the doctor r
e-check it."
"What is it?"
"83/50," she said without looking up from her watch as she took Charlie's pulse.
Charlie exchanged a worried glance with Sam but didn't say anything. He reached over and squeezed her free hand just knowing that's what she needed. The nurse wrote what she guessed what her pulse was down on a piece of paper next to where she'd written her blood pressure. "So, are you going to tell me what my pulse was?"
The nurse huffed and turned to her with an icy glare like Charlie was inconveniencing her with questions. "It was 59."
She felt Sam squeeze her hand as soon as she said it and his face looked alarmed. "I didn't think your heart rate could drop below 60 beats per minute now with the pacemaker? Is it not working? Do we need to call Doctor Brown?" His eyes were almost wild with fear.
Charlie rubbed his thigh trying to soothe him. "No, babe. It's working fine. He's even said when they count it manually and even sometimes with the machine, it'll show up between 58 and 60 at its lowest. It's okay; I can feel it when it's pacing and it's working."
He didn't look convinced. "Are you sure?"
She nodded and squeezed his thigh. "I promise I'd tell you if it wasn't."
The tension in his body relaxed and he must have believed her. She assumed it was, because she'd made him a promise and she never made them unless it was something she knew she could keep. It was working and she could feel it every time it kicked in. It was the strangest feeling in the world to get used to, but after about a week, it was almost comforting knowing she could fall asleep and would most likely wake up the next morning.
"The doctor will be in shortly," the nurse said and left the room.
Sam sat back in the chair and crossed his arms over his chest. "I don't like her. She's rude as hell and you don't need that shit. I'm going to say something to the doctor when she comes in."
"Just let it go. It's not a big deal."
"It is to me. You don't deserve to be treated like trash when you ask questions that you usually don't even have to ask."
Charlie shrugged. Her moods were so all over the place lately that at the moment, she couldn't care less about the girl. "She could be having a bad day for all we know."
"Well, it's not professional."
She was ready to give him shit about him letting their personal business affect him the previous year when he acted like an asshole toward his entire class when the doctor walked in.
"Hey guys. How are you two holding up?"
"She hasn't killed me yet, so that's a good thing.”
"Yet." Charlie elbowed him and gave him a pointed look before turning her attention to Doctor Cage. "I'm beyond exhausted and feel like I'm going insane, so please tell me that's normal."
Doctor Cage sat down on the stool next to Charlie and placed her laptop on the counter. "What exactly do you mean by going insane?"
"Oh, we're pretty sure I have multiple personalities now," Charlie said, knowing that illness wasn't really a joke, but she needed to make light of her roller coaster of emotions.
Doctor Cage cocked her head to the side and raised a brow, as Sam cut in. "What she means is her emotions have been all over the place. One moment she's fine and then next she's flying off the handle over something trivial. Usually, Charlie's a lot more levelheaded about those kinds of things, but honestly we're concerned about depression."
"In most cases, I would say this is a perfectly normal reaction and there is no need for concern, but as you know, you are not a normal case."
"Nope, I'm just not that lucky," Charlie quipped.
Doctor Cage leaned forward, resting her forearms on her thighs bringing her eye level down to them. "Look, I'm going to be frank with you. Once I looked through your medical history and saw everything you've been through, I don't know how you've kept it together as well as you have. So add some raging hormones into the crazy mix of chaos you have going on inside your chest, and I think a little crazy is to be expected. Have you ever had bouts of depression or anxiety before?"
Charlie shook her head. She hadn't. Sure, there'd been times when she’d shut herself off from the world, but never to the point she found herself at now. "Not like this, but I think because it's not just about my life anymore and it's hitting me differently."
"Well, I brought some of these concerns up to Doctor Brown in the hospital as a what if kind of scenario and we both agreed that your body can't handle any kind of SSRI right now. It wouldn't be safe for you or the baby and we're just not willing to take the risk."
SSRI. What the fuck. Am I really that crazy?
"Wait is it really serious enough that I would need an SSRI?" Charlie looked to Sam for help in silent hopes that he would back her up. She didn't need one.
Sam held his hand up like he was in a classroom. “Not to interrupt here but what the hell is an SSRI?”
“It’s a Selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor. Basically it’s an anti-depressant. Mental health isn't the joke a lot of people make it out to be, but I don't know that being on one would benefit you even if you could take it. I'm pretty sure your other doctors would have had you on one a long time ago had they thought it was necessary. I would suggest a counselor of some sort though. I think it may help you work through some things. How are you feeling otherwise?" She opened her laptop and started clicking around. "Are you still taking all the medications they discharged you with?"
"Yes, she is," Sam chimed in, and then looked at her when she didn't answer. Charlie sat there biting down on her bottom lip feeling like a child in trouble in the principal's office. "You are taking them aren't you?"
She kept her eyes glued to the tile in front of her feet. "Most of them.”
"What do you mean, most of them? Goddammit, Charlie! I thought we were done with the secrets and the bullshit! This isn't a game anymore you can't play Russian Roulette with your life or our child's life." Sam rose to his feet after he finished yelling.
"It's not a game to me. The shot in the stomach every day fucks with me in more ways than one and I just can't do it anymore."
She'd stopped talking it a week before and hadn't told anyone yet. Fear was a powerful thing, and yet that was the first time she had admitted her reasoning aloud.
"Sam, I understand you're upset, but do us all a favor and take a seat. We don't need her getting worked up and having a stroke here." Doctor Cage patted his shoulder and turned to Charlie again. "Are you talking about the blood thinner shots?"
"Yeah. I guess I can't take the pill form I usually take because they're not baby safe, so you guys gave me these shots in the hospital." Tears welled in her eyes and spilled down her now heated cheeks.
Doctor Cage's voice was calming as she offered Charlie the box of puff tissues with aloe. "So, explain to me what the problem with them is."
"They sting like a mother fucker. It's wasn't even the needle part so much at first, but as soon as I inject it, that shit stings like hell for like thirty minutes after and it makes me feel like I'm going to pass out. It's awful. Now, I can feel her moving, so it's a total mind fuck. I'm supposed to stab myself in the gut, knowing she's moving around in there? No way."
"Okay, well there is another option we can try. It is another shot but a different kind and it may not have the same kind of effect on you. As for giving it in your stomach, have you tried giving it to yourself in the thigh or having someone else administer it?"
Charlie shook her head. There was no way in hell she was letting anyone else near her with that big ass needle of venom. She wondered what went through Sam’s head when he dropped it into his hands, but this was neither the time nor place to ask.
Doctor Cage placed her hand on Charlie’s forearm. "You can't stop taking the blood thinner, Charlie. That is the single most important thing you are taking right now other than your pre-natal vitamins. We have to find a way to make it work because you're only to the halfway point, sweetheart."
Maybe she was crazy, because the anxiety she felt over taking those shots
was so overwhelming it made her want to run away from it all. She knew she couldn’t exactly run away from her own body, but the sentiment of it all was nice.
"So what do we need to do, Doc? Hire a nurse to do it everyday or what?" Sam returned to the conversation for the first time since he'd gone off on her, and understandably so. She'd probably have done the same thing had their roles been reversed.
"No. You could do it, or any member of the family."
"No one is doing anything," she growled. "I will take the fucking things myself and just fight through the pain myself like I do with everything else."
She didn't mean for it to come out as hateful as it did, but the look on Sam's face made her regret it. He looked like she'd just bitch slapped him and he didn't deserve it.
"I think a change of scenery would be good for the two of you," the doctor cut in while looking at Charlie. "Get away from all of this and just be, even if only for the weekend. It could make a world of difference in your state of mind."
At this point, Charlie wasn't even sure Sam would still want to go anywhere with her. She couldn't blame him. He'd never experienced anything even remotely close to what she'd been through in her lifetime. So, for her to make the conscious decision to stop taking her blood thinner out of fear, knowing the risks was a huge deal for her, was something he'd never be able to fully comprehend.
"Well, we're planning to do just that as long as we still have the okay from you for her to travel." Sam asked looking a lot calmer than he had even moments before.
"I think it could do some good, but it will be as light duty and as close to bed rest as humanly possible. You're still in heart failure even though your little beeping buddy is keeping you beating. I saw the reports from your visit to his office last week and you're entirely dependent on that thing. Add this little thing in and you don't need any more complications. Still, I want to get a look at the baby before I make my final decision. So, hop up on the table and let's check you out."
Breathless Page 16