How to Heal Yourself When No One Else Can

by Amy B. Scher

  simply for the reason that they are heavy.

  —c. joybell c.

  Well-being comes from being who you really are and accepting yourself in that space, no matter what. There are several unhealthy life patterns that I consider “spirit squashers, which make that level of love, acceptance, and well-being very difficult to achieve. Here is a question I get often and want to address before we start talking about unhealthy emotional patterns: “If we are supposed to love and accept ourselves for who we are, why are we trying to change so much about ourselves?”

  The answer is simple: We don’t want to change who we are, but we do want to change anything in our lives that isn’t working for us. We don’t need to keep unhealthy patterns that have become part of our lives but are not part of our best selves. For example, I’m an impatient person by nature sometimes. When clients hear me say that, they wonder why I don’t “fix it.” But the truth is, that’s just part of who I am, and it’s okay with me. It doesn’t inhibit my quality of life. I don’t want to spend my whole life nitpicking my personality. I want to spend my life living in the freest way possible, accepting all that I can about myself and changing only what really hinders my quality of life.

  You may have practiced some of them for a very long time—quite possibly, for your whole life. They are probably threaded into your being to such a great degree that when you read them, you might not even recognize they don’t have to be that way. But that’s the beauty here. You can change any pattern that’s not working for you, no matter when you may have learned it.

  These unhealthy life patterns include the following:

  • Draining vocabulary

  • Negative self-talk

  • Victim mentality

  • Taking things personally

  • Negative thought loops

  If you resonate with any of these patterns, you’d be wise to sit quietly and ask yourself if you’re really ready to let go now. Don’t beat yourself up if you’re not. They can be scary to change. However, if you get a gentle nod that it’s time to “shift that shit” (as I often say to myself), then I’m ready to help you.

  With each pattern, where applicable, I’ll be offering you some ideas of what types of unprocessed experiences (chapter 7) and harmful beliefs (chapter 8) might be connected to them. Then you will be able to clear them using the techniques you learned in those chapters. At the end of this chapter, I’ll also share a brand-new technique (3 Hearts Method) for clearing emotional energy. I’ve waited to introduce it until now, as I didn’t want to overwhelm you with too many techniques at once. Once you learn it, you may want to combine the 3 Hearts Method with the other practices, or use it independently.

  Draining Vocabulary

  My motto: Be careful what you tell yourself because you’re always listening . Oh, ain’t it the truth? While this definitely pertains to self-talk, it also applies to our general day-to-day language with others, and that affects how we feel just as much. Here, we are going to discuss both types of language: vocabulary that we use every day in conversations with others and our own internal self-talk.

  When I became convinced of the immense power of the mind-body healing approach, I also became aware of every facet of myself that wasn’t in alignment with helping me heal. I then began to see phrases and sentences that I spoke as either reaching toward where I wanted to be or reaching away from it. With that new perspective, I came up with several words that I chose to ditch from my vocabulary, and I invite you to consider doing the same.

  The only thing you need to do to change outdated language patterns is become aware of when you’re using them, and immediately stop. Just don’t go there. These everyday language patterns are simply a habit, and you can undo them by forming a new habit and using better-feeling language.

  Busy— This implies having a great deal to do. Busyness is an addiction. Our society prides itself on being busy—it means we’re doing, making things happen, and being “useful.” The common excuse of “I’m too busy to …” implies you don’t have a choice. Non-truth. Not having a choice is stressful. Choosing from a place of what feels good is calming.

  Instead, try engaged . “I’m really engaged this week, so I choose to dedicate my free time to what I really want to do.”

  Overwhelm— This means to bury or drown beneath a huge mass; to overpower or crush. Yeah, this one just isn’t pretty. Let’s drop the over and stick with whelmed , which can be interpreted as “abundant.” Nothing can crush us, and telling our body all day that we’re “overwhelmed” isn’t a healthy message to send it. You’d never even think of saying “I’m being crushed” over and over to yourself, would you?

  Instead, try whelmed . “I’m whelmed with an awesome full list of opportunities.”

  Anxiety— This is a feeling of uneasiness, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome. The word anxiety doesn’t say exactly how you feel. Using the general word of “anxiety” let’s us off the hook of figuring out what’s really there, and dealing with it. In my opinion, anxiety is buried emotion. Not using it will help you call yourself to the challenge of figuring out “what” is sitting beneath it just waiting to be acknowledged and processed.

  Instead, try emotional or uneasy . This is neither negative nor positive. It just is. “I’m feeling emotional (or uneasy) and I want to figure out why.”

  Chronic— This word means persisting for a long time or constantly recurring. I’m all about aligning with beliefs that promote what we really want. The word chronic essentially implies this issue or thing does not have an end in sight. Using the word and attaching its label to you isn’t any way of aligning with the belief that it will pass sooner rather than later, right?

  Instead, try experiencing. This one works as a substitute perfectly, and does not at all imply that you plan to hang onto it for a long time or as a recurring event. “I am experiencing this _______ (challenge).”

  Should— This word is used to indicate obligation, duty, or correctness, typically with someone’s actions. Should have implies a mistake, that something was done wrong and there is someone to blame. It’s easier to be easy on ourselves when we’re not declaring an action as “wrong,” but rather simply looking at what the other side of the coin could have shown us.

  Instead, try could have . This is a baby step in the right direction. Could have implies a choice, and choices always come from being in a good place. If one choice doesn’t work out, we get to choose, and choose again. “I could have done this or that.”

  My _______ (insert name of challenge)— While possessives are necessary in the English language, it’s wise not to claim anything that you don’t actually want to be yours, like emotions, diseases, or other challenges. Examples of this include my cancer , my anxiety , my anger issues , and so on. These can all be rephrased with language that is relaxing to the body instead of stressful.

  Instead, try the words the or this . Healthier rephrases include the cancer or this cancer , the sadness I’m feeling , or the anger I’m experiencing . All of these phrases support separation from the issue or the fleetingness of it, implying that it is moving through you or is not owned by you.

  I am _______ (insert emotion)— There is such a fine line between feeling something and being something. Along the same lines as replacing the word my , I am is another phrase that implies ownership of things we may not necessarily want to claim.

  Instead, try feel. “I feel sad.” “I feel sick.”

  Bonus Suggestion: Although these things might not be something we typically think of as “language,” it’s wise to make sure email addresses, passwords, forum screen names, and so forth are not claiming energetic ownership over the very thing you don’t want. This includes being lymegirl , chronicfatigue4ever , anxietysurvivor , or anything else in cyberspace. You cannot “be” something and separate from it at the same time.

  One way to shift the pattern of using any of the draining vocabulary we’ve covered is to immediately c
orrect yourself. Rephrasing it out loud, if you’re comfortable, is a great way of “erasing” the energy that you just put out there. Or you can simply say something like “delete” or “oops!” in your head. That will help send a message to notify all those unconscious parts of you that it’s time to reprogram your language.

  Energies to Consider Clearing

  Another way to approach draining vocabulary is to look for beliefs or unprocessed experiences that cause you to use this language. For example, if you are hooked on the word busy , it might be beneficial to look at beliefs you have about being “too busy” to choose yourself and your own needs instead of everyone else’s. What do you believe would happen if you did? Would someone be mad at you? Do you have a past experience in your history that gives this belief its roots?

  Negative Self-Talk

  Imagine for a moment that our bodies obey each thing we tell ourselves as if it’s a command. It does not filter or translate; it simply takes it in and acts. Now, the scary part is, you don’t have to imagine. You are, with your internal self-talk, commanding your cells to believe or do as you say—either verbally or internally. Make sure you don’t have a “shitty committee” in your brain running the show, okay? We need to give ourselves commands that align with healing. The only commands that align with healing are ones that remind us that we are worthy of healing because we rock, not suck.

  After practicing a pattern of beating yourself up for so long, it would be almost impossible to instantly transform into a self-loving work of art, so take baby steps. Instead of aiming for thinking everything you do is golden, let’s start by helping you be lighter with yourself and accepting your humanness. The goal is to laugh at yourself more and yell at yourself less.

  Accept Your Humanness

  My approach for accepting my humanness came from something my dear friend Julia said to me in my twenties. I was telling her a story about someone in my life who hurt me. I was waiting with anticipation to hear an angry reaction, and for her to come to my rescue in defense. But what happened next changed my entire perspective, and how I judged not only others and their actions but my own as well. With almost no pause after my last sentence, she said calmly, “Well that sounds very human to me.” In that moment, she rescued me from myself, and everything I judged before as either “good” or “bad,” “right or “wrong,” suddenly slipped into the singular category of “being human.” Those words helped me take the first baby steps toward transforming the way I treated myself. When I caught myself judging, berating, or being critical of my experiences or myself, I threw my arms up and said, “Well, that was very human!” It made it difficult to judge something as right or wrong, because it was simply the truth. And how could I argue with that?

  To this day, I use Julia’s words in client sessions. Often clients nervously tell me they want to share something that they have never told anyone else before. And after they tell me, I say calmly, “Well, that sounds very human to me.” The acknowledgment of being human is a miraculous little spark that brings peace and relief almost immediately. With that, I can feel their energy shift completely. And luckily for you, those words will forever remain available. Just remember, use often and apply liberally.

  Call It Out

  This next little gem is a simple trick I used regularly to retrain myself away from a pattern of negative self-talk. As soon as I would recognize being lost in a loop of B.S. in my brain, I would call myself out on it. Because by now we all know better than to let that loop roll and gain any momentum, right? I’d say out loud, in my most fun and loving tone, “I call bullshit!” That’s it. It’s a light and silly way of holding yourself responsible for changing this pattern.

  Remember, your body is always listening. If it listens to something long enough, it will start to believe it. It did when you told it sucky things for all those years, and it can when you send the opposite message, too.

  Energies to Consider Clearing

  While using draining vocabulary in your day day-to-day is typically just a bad habit and can be altered consciously, negative self-talk can run much deeper.

  It may be beneficial to clear past experiences where …

  • you made a mistake or choice you can’t forgive yourself for.

  • others told you negative things about yourself.

  • you felt that you embarrassed yourself.

  Further, you may be holding harmful beliefs that are driving that negativity toward yourself. Here are a few examples:

  • I need to punish myself.

  • Being mean to myself will motivate me to be better.

  • I shouldn’t be forgiven for the past.

  • I owe it to others to be perfect.

  Victim Mentality

  This is a pattern that I had somehow mastered, although it took years for me to realize it. My personal pattern was fairly subtle, but once I saw it, boy, did I see it! I’ll go so far as to say this pattern can be an addiction for some—the pattern of blaming outside circumstances, playing the part of “poor, pitiful me,” or claiming little to no responsibility for one’s life circumstances. The difficulty with identifying this pattern is that it shows up in so many ways, and they aren’t always obvious.

  This pattern often manifests as talking about the illness or challenge all the time, always bringing the conversation back to how you have been wronged: the doctors did you wrong, the disease is unfair, a person ruined your life, your past “did this” to you, and more. Of course, it’s healthy to share experiences, but there is a fine line between sharing and putting yourself in a place of powerlessness. People with this pattern often perceive themselves as worse off than anyone else and need others to see them in that way, too. They seek confirmation from others that they have struggled more than their friends and family. They may have a need to be a hero, a survivor, that person who has “been through hell,” sometimes feeling that this validates their worth. There is nothing shameful about the victim-mentality pattern. It’s very common, but it’s also extremely harmful.

  Lyme disease, because it’s highly controversial and not well understood by many, offered me the perfect opportunity to hold this pattern (and, later, to release it). Not only are there two camps of doctors, each professing a different truth about contraction, diagnosis, and treatment, but insurance companies often don’t pay for the treatment that is recommended by physicians who specialize in Lyme disease. So there I was, not only bitten out of the blue by some horrible insect, but also now being told that the treatments my doctor recommended (sometimes in excess of thousands of dollars per month) would not be covered by my insurance. This left me feeling very frustrated. In the beginning, I shared this unfairness with those around me. I obsessively warned people about ticks, told them about the difficulty in getting diagnosed, and shared my treatment struggles. It felt good to have a place to direct the blame for my miserable situation.

  However, as time went on, I realized that this energy was doing nothing but creating more helplessness and struggle. While perhaps all of the experiences that led me to this victim mentality and behavior were valid, my feeding of that energy by constantly engaging others in it, talking about it, and researching it was certainly not hurting the tick or the insurance companies. I was the one who was being hurt—by myself.

  Suddenly I saw things clearly. I was making the unfairness worse by making Lyme disease more a part of my life than it had to be. I included it in both internal thoughts and external conversations. I let the perception that everyone and everything was against me take over. If you look at this pattern with a big ol’ open heart, you will eventually realize that while you may have experienced wrongdoing once or even several times, every time you act from a place of victim energy, you are re-victimizing yourself. Chris Grosso, author of Indie Spiritualist: A No Bullshit Exploration of Spirituality, offers a question in his book that is fitting for this discussion. He writes: “Are we going to continue on autopilot, allowing our incessant negative thoughts and emotions to di
ctate our mental and emotional well-being? Or are we going to own our shit and take the power back?”

  Releasing the victim mentality is all about taking our power back. It may not be easy, but it is your job, and until you are accountable for that job, you will not reach your full healing capacity.

  Complaining, whether outright or subtly, is a victim pattern. It is a direction of energy toward what we do not want. We need to stop complaining, not because crappy things didn’t happen or because they aren’t horrible or upsetting, but because complaining is destructive. What message are we sending to our bodies—each organ and cell—when we align with the idea of being a victim? We must always consider, with each action and each word, what message we are sending ourselves.

  Sharing my thoughts on victim energy is a conversation I have with many, many clients. Some immediately reject the idea that they are participating in this type of energy, and I’ve been there, so I understand this well. But for those who are ready, putting effort toward changing this pattern is full of great rewards.

  I’ll share an example with you. In a difficult session I had with Maggie, who I had been working with for about a month for a host of emotional challenges, I said to her: “I understand you are miserable and have had lots of things happen in your life that you wish never had, but you carry such enormous victim energy that I think it’s a bigger block than anything else.” I went on to explain to Maggie that in every session she was so focused on recalling things that weren’t fair in her life and proving to me that they were so horrible and worse than her friends’ problems that she was actually adding energy and weight to them. She was far more interested in blaming than clearing energy imbalances. I certainly expect clients to share with me what’s not working in their lives so I can help, but this went far beyond sharing in that way. I couldn’t even imagine how much she was doing this outside of sessions, too. No wonder she was constantly on the edge of panic.

  It wasn’t even just that Maggie was talking about her feelings, though; she was making her whole life about how wronged, sick, and abandoned she was. Maggie was not happy with me when I shared my observations, but after she had time to mull it over, she sent me an email. She explained that she had never realized she was giving off such a “poor me” energy and said she really wanted help with it. We then began focusing on that in sessions, and Maggie became more conscious of it on her own. She just didn’t let herself go there anymore. Maggie’s entire life changed when she changed this pattern. Her health made a huge turn in the right direction, she finally got into a living situation that was healthy for her, she stopped attracting friends who hurt her, and she got an incredible job—all things she admitted she never could have imagined could come from this change. But it was all because she stopped treating herself like a victim. Like Maggie, we all have a choice.