How to Heal Yourself When No One Else Can

by Amy B. Scher

  Chapter Ten

  ***************

  Address the Real

  F-Word (Fear)

  Each of us must confront our own fears, must come face to face with them. How we handle our fears will determine where we go with the rest of our lives.

  —judy blume , tiger eyes

  When people ask me, as they often do, if I had to choose one thing that contributes to illness the most, I immediately tell them about the real F-word: Fear. Fear is not bad nor evil, but we have come to use it in all the wrong ways. There is nothing in our experience that is more constantly present and destructive than fear—an energy that is in direct opposition to wellness. Almost every single challenge can be traced back to the fear of ending up unsafe in this world (physically or emotionally).

  In this chapter, you’ll learn exactly what fear is, what causes it, and how it shows up in our lives. Then I’ll share the two parts to addressing fear completely:

  • Clearing unprocessed experiences and beliefs that cause fear. For each example of how fear might be showing up in your life, I’ll offer ideas on what to clear related to it.

  • Using techniques to reprogram the fear response in your body. Toward the end of the chapter, you will learn several wonderful tools to do that.

  What Fear Is

  I believe that fear is a major common denominator, at some level, of every illness. Fear is perhaps the most practiced energy in our lives, from the time we are children and our well-meaning parents remind us to be careful, tell us not to talk to strangers, and convince us that Santa won’t come if we’re bad kids. Sometimes we even inherit fear from our parents. We live in a world of “fear feeders”—the media, well-meaning loved ones, people we look up to like doctors and advocates, and the list goes on and on. In every space of our lives, we are bombarded with the message that we need to fear.

  The interesting thing is that the more fear energy you release, the more clearly you will see it governing those around you. Becoming less fearful may even trigger fear in others because it is so contradictory to what we’ve practiced our whole lives. In fact, we often make decisions from a place of fear. If you take a minute to think of all your actions and decisions that are fear-based, it probably won’t take long to see how much of your life is being driven by fear. This includes taking a job because we’re scared we won’t get something better, listening to a doctor only because we’re afraid not to, not speaking our truth because we’re afraid of losing a loved one, and more. Fear can show up in its most aggressive form linked to matters of survival: relationships, money, and health.

  In many cases, except in actual dangerous situations, fear is just energy with no merit. It is an indicator system that often malfunctions. Fear, in its most stripped-down form, is a response in the body that comes from feeling deeply unsafe in the world. This response is connected to the fight, flight, or freeze pattern, governed by the triple warmer meridian (aka your inner “papa bear”). We first learned about this earlier, in Chapter Two .

  What Causes Fear

  No matter how fear manifests in your life, there are usually two reasons it’s hanging around.

  First, your body holds some type of reason that the fear response is justified. This means that there is “evidence” in the form of harmful beliefs and unprocessed experiences.

  Second, fear is an energy pattern. It has likely been replaying in your system for quite some time. So the fear response itself can be on auto-pilot. Knowing what causes it will help us to slowly clear this pattern. When you continue to clear unprocessed experiences and harmful beliefs causing fear, you are doing a big part of this work. You are clearing the root, or “evidence,” of the fear. But you also need techniques to actually change the energetic pattern, too.

  As the fear pattern plays out, you will learn to do very specific things to retrain or redirect it. You will need to work as a friend in partnership with that triple warmer meridian to do this, being patient and gentle.

  We have to find a way to move through fear if we want enriched lives. It is something that is absolutely essential to clear in order to put our bodies into a state of ease.

  Common Ways That Fear Shows Up

  You may be sitting there thinking, “I’m not a scared person.” But fear is much bigger than simply being afraid. By spelling out specific ways that fear can show up in your life, I hope you will come to see just how important it is to work lovingly on this.

  Just follow me. Let’s peek inside that brain of yours and see if it lights up with any of these common fears. Then we’ll go to work on releasing them.

  Fear of Being Who You Really Are

  We’ve already talked a lot about this one, but I feel it’s important to reiterate it here. I believe that our deepest fears as humans are the fears around being who we really are. And those are closely connected to the core fear that we started this discussion with: the fear of ending up unsafe in this world (physically or emotionally). The fear of being who we really are all boils down to these questions: If I am who I really am, will I be unsafe? If I am who I really am, will I be unloved?

  During many of the exercises and practices in this book, whether through clearing unprocessed experiences, harmful beliefs, or other energies, you’ve simultaneously cleared energy around fear as well. Just stay aware of when triggers, roots, and energies connected to it pop up, and hold a strong intention that it’s time now to move forward without it.

  Fear of Not Being in Control of Life

  During my first weeks in India, as I learned more about myself, I became painfully aware of my fear of trusting in the flow of life. This country that so beautifully enveloped me in love and offered the opportunity for a renewed life also pushed me to the limits of my sanity.

  The water temperature for showers was lukewarm at best. The streets were like tornadoes of dust swirling up into dense crowds of people who were sticking together from thick heat and humidity. There were dogs barking all night and horns honking around the clock without a second’s reprieve. The cultural and language barriers led to a feeling of isolation that I’d never known before. I had a rat living in my hospital room with me. And most of the time I felt like I was slowly dying and there was no way to tell if the treatment was killing me or curing me.

  I entered this country that runs on chaos and uncertainty ready to control and manipulate my life as I had always done, and it spit me out onto the broken pavement like a rejected piece of gum. India, as I eventually accepted, was not the place to try to be in charge. I tried, though.

  The fear of not being in control of life comes from a worry that things will not be okay unless they happen exactly as we want or need, and/or an energy of lack—feeling there’s not enough money, support, love, safety, or whatever, so we must take everything into our own hands in order to be okay. But what if we put our beautiful human egos aside for just a minute and considered it could all turn out okay? That the universe, God, or whatever higher source we resonate with, might have a plan to help us, if we allow it? I saw a massive shift in my being when I finally stopped fearing life. I learned to trust that if I was aligned with something and it was meant to be, it would find me in a hundred different ways.

  Living with the fear of not being in control is like trying to paddle a canoe upstream instead of letting the current help you flow effortlessly downstream. The river is going where it’s going and it’s giving you a free ride, but you want to do it your way, right? You want to control every single stroke. You can find a million things to feel unsafe about. How long can you keep it up? Also, what if that elusive pot of gold you’re paddling toward is actually in the other direction? You just have to let … go … of … the … freakin’ … oars. Your body will thank you for it.

  Learn and embrace, in the deepest core of your being, that you can handle anything that comes your way. You can survive. You can survive. You can survive. You can let go of the oars and be okay. Trying to control and manipulate your life’s circumstances to force a fee
ling of safety will work only temporarily. Learning that you can be okay no matter what will create a true, lasting sense of security.

  When you’re feeling stuck about something, ask yourself, “Is this because I’m attached to making it how I think it should be instead of flowing along with how it actually is?”

  I always say, When you flow, you know . In other words, if things are feeling too hard, you are probably pushing against life’s current, and the fear of not being in control is likely hijacking your oars. It’s always your call: Are you going to fight or flow?

  Energies to Consider Clearing

  The following are examples of energies (which we’ve already learned about) that might be tied to the fear of not being in control.

  Unprocessed Experiences:

  • Times when you relaxed and something bad happened

  • Times when someone blamed you for something getting messed up

  • Times when you let someone down and they made you pay for it

  • Times where you didn’t have enough food, money, love, or security (controlling everything may seem like a good way to prevent those times from happening again)

  Harmful Beliefs:

  • I’m only safe when I’m in control.

  • Having money is the only way to feel safe.

  • There’s not enough to go around.

  • I need to understand things to be okay with how they are.

  • I can keep bad things from happening.

  • I am unable to handle bad things.

  Fear of Letting Others Be Who or How They Are

  Trying to control other people’s lives is sure to bring equal, or even greater, misery than trying to control your own. You can slice and dice and justify this one anyway you want, but it never, ever turns out well. It is simply not your responsibility or prerogative to change others.

  Here are some examples of how we try to change others:

  • Helping others when they don’t want help

  • Needing to help others to feel good about yourself

  • Helping others even at the expense of your own well-being (having “obsessive-helperitis”)

  • Needing something from others (forgiveness, acknowledgment, or validation) for your own inner peace

  • Needing others to behave in a certain way so you can relax or be happy

  If any of these are familiar to you, you are draining your own energy. You are not allowed to stomp on anyone else’s path for any reason. If we get brutally honest with ourselves, we often find that fears drive our need to control others. And these fears keep us from moving forward. We may have a fear that they will mess up and we’ll have to pick up the pieces. We may fear if someone doesn’t validate or take responsibility for how they’ve hurt us, it means we are to blame. We might fear that we won’t get what we need from another person and end up hurt. We might be afraid that others will end up hurting themselves in some needless way. All of these things are understandable but not healthy.

  When people love you, it will be in the way they know how. You can always focus on what they’re not doing or how they’re not being that makes your life uncomfortable. Maybe you feel they’re not supportive enough or compassionate enough or are always saying the wrong thing at the wrong time. But the fact is, you don’t get to make that call. We all have the ability to love, but our capacity and willingness to do so is unique. To truly free yourself, you need to stop demanding that people behave in the ways you think they could or should. You can and certainly should remove yourself from any relationships that are unhealthy for you, but trying to change another person is a losing approach.

  When I was growing up, there was a rickety, doll-size antique red chair in my parents’ house. The paint was chipped off, and the old, worn wood peeked through. My mom always loved anything that looked like it should have been retired years earlier, and despite how much we teased her about the chair, it traveled with us with each move, even after we all grew up and left home.

  One day, while I was struggling not only with the decline of my health but also with a difficult personal relationship, my dad brought that rickety chair over to where I was sitting. By this time, I was all grown up. He put it in front of me and asked, “What is this?”

  “A stupid red chair,” I said.

  He nodded in approval. “Now try to make it a big blue chair.”

  “Daaaaad,” I begged. “I can’t.”

  “Try harder. Make it blue.”

  “Dad, please …”

  He egged me on. “Care more. Do more. Figure it out.”

  “I can’t, I can’t!” I finally screamed.

  He sat down next to the chair. “Exactly, baby. You can’t. This is a little red chair. It doesn’t matter how much you want it to be blue or big and strong. It only has the capacity to be a little red chair, and nothing you can do will change that.”

  People are just like that chair, too. Since the red chair lesson, each time I come up against a situation in my life that frustrates me or makes me lose my sense of balance, I gently check in with myself to see whether I am trying to make a red chair blue. And guess what? I always am.

  You must let people be who they are, not only for themselves but also for the sake of your little soul who just cannot be burdened with controlling another being. They may not be who you’d like them to be and they may even be jerks. But people can be jerks and you can be okay anyway.

  Communicate with Others’ Higher Selves

  When I find myself frustrated by my need to turn a red chair blue, I simply use something that my friend Scott taught me. I sit quietly and “send” my message to that person’s higher self, which might be more willing to receive it. Can you think of someone who just won’t listen to you or someone with whom it’s impossible to communicate? Sit quietly with your eyes closed, imaging that person and setting the intention that the person’s higher self or inner being will receive your message. Then simply say out loud what you need to say.

  With this practice, I often feel instant relief. You may sense, like I do, that the energy is released from you and that you can now move forward, detached from “needing” to reach that person. People can and will change, indeed. But the danger comes when we need them or expect them to be someone else, simply for our own inner peace. Louise Hay has an affirmation that really drives this home: I let go of all expectations. People, places, and things are free to be themselves, and I am free to be me.

  Energies to Consider Clearing

  For the fear of letting others be who and how they are, it’s important to look at experiences and beliefs where you struggled because of somebody else. Here are some examples.

  Unprocessed Experiences:

  • Times when someone else’s behavior made you unsafe

  • Times when someone else, because of who they are, hurt you (inadvertently)

  • Times when someone refused to hear your side of things and you felt rejected

  Hamful Beliefs:

  • I’m only safe when I control others.

  • It’s my job to make others feel needed.

  • I have to change others to feel safe.

  Fear of Pain and Suffering

  No one likes to experience pain and suffering. In fact, we spend much of our lives trying to avoid this. But believing that suffering is bad will cause more havoc in your life than actually experiencing it would. Suffering just feels bad while it’s happening, and because of that, we fight it like the plague. But suffering also has a silver lining that never gets the credit it deserves. Suffering helps us grow and get to the next place in life. Let’s face it: if not for suffe ring, we’d never stop in our busy lives to expand in ways that make us better.

  Suffering can be a phenomenal steppingstone to somewhere better, physically, emotionally, or spiritually. Failed relationships get us to successful ones; illness helps us examine who we really are and what matters, when we might not otherwise; grief reminds us we are human and we can survive after inevitable lo
ss; and the list goes on and on. Avoiding suffering does nothing but prolong the suffering.

  Much unnecessary struggle in our lives comes not just from avoiding our own pain but from trying to avoid it or intercept it for others, too. Pain is a part of life, and it’s an okay part. Avoiding or trying to fix another person’s suffering instead of simply being present for it is a damaging emotional pattern.

  Some examples of how the fear of suffering can manifest include feeling responsible for other people’s feelings, feeling like you have the responsibility to make sure other’s lives are going right, avoiding difficult emotions, allowing yourself to be distracted from self-care, thinking you know better for others than they do, and feeling like you have to save people from their own pain and mistakes.

  It is important to remember that others are capable of working through their own suffering, just like you are. This is a necessary and beneficial part of life. When we overprotect another, we drain our own energy and rob that person of all the good that can come from fully allowing them their own experience.

  We have an obligation in life not only to call ourselves to our own greatness, but to call others to theirs as well. And sometimes that happens through outright painful experiences that are a normal part of life. Holding back our true selves is the single biggest act of betrayal we can perform. It puts a serious stress on our physical bodies, and we aren’t doing a service to those we are trying to save, either.

  This concept became clear to me when I was living in Delhi. When I was too sick to go outside of the hospital, I’d sit in front of a floor-to-ceiling sliding glass door at the front of the building. For weeks, I watched a man with no use of his legs pass the hospital. He used his arms to travel by scooting on his bottom, his fists powering movement along the pavement and dirt. His pants were torn to shreds and his hands were swollen with cuts.

  I sunk into my chair wondering how he’d ended up like this and where he was going. Finally, I asked one of the doctors in the lobby why the man didn’t have a wheelchair. “Oh, ma’am, it’s too costly. It’s approximately seventy-five dollars.”