On the Fringe

by Courtney King Walker

  Silently, Matthew and I sat together in the back seat, having since lost the ability to act ‘normal’ with each other after that unspeakable night. Now, it seemed that Matthew was always plugged into headphones—a permanent accessory to his blond-buzzed head. As he gazed out the window, I peeked at him, surprised by the sadness that seemed to be radiating from his blank, glossy eyes. They were still strikingly blue, but now seemed to be missing the intensity that used to take me by surprise. I wondered if I’d ever see his smile again.

  Once Dad veered off the highway, I knew exactly where we were headed as we climbed up a steep hill that wound its way into the forest. Matthew was still stuck in a passive trance, but my eyes were wide open, bouncing back and forth while trying to peer through the dense fog that wove in and out of the trees. It looked like a ghost had dressed up the forest in tulle.

  After parking, we climbed the stone steps leading up to the front of the planetarium, and made our way through the glass-walled lobby. At the risk of sounding like a science nerd, I had to admit that the planetarium was pretty cool, especially for not having roller coasters or fried food. There was something mysterious about the way it sat nestled up among the haunting pines and redwoods—a bit magical, if you ask me.

  Once inside, Matthew immediately abandoned us, silently slipping away into one of the dark theaters. Following his lead, I left my parents and their credit card at the front desk, ignoring Mom’s protests that we all stick together as a family. That was the last thing I wanted to do right then. I could hear Dad trying to pacify Mom, who was already complaining about the family’s inability to stick to the plan (her plan), but their voices were fading quickly. All I knew was I neededto escape.

  After slipping away from the noise up three flights of stairs to the top floor, I stumbled upon a massive row of floor-to-ceiling windows that transformed the billowy fog into stunning rectangular pieces of art. Even without the sun, it was amazing how bright everything was up there, and I made sure to slow down a little and try to take it all in.

  Just beyond the windows was the door leading out to the observatory deck. I pushed through it into the chilly fog, and followed a narrow walkway leading out to a viewing platform. Wishing I’d brought my jacket, I did my best to stop shivering by wrapping my arms around myself. Yet, despite the cold, my heart was flying. I felt like a tower perched high above the trees, surrounded by a thick battalion of fog—a breath of fresh air after months of depression. For a second, even thoughts of Daniel’s death left me.

  My glasses fogged up as usual, so I shoved them in my pocket and kept on going. What was the difference out here, anyway? Everything looked blurry, but maybe that was the point, wasn’t it? To cloud out the world around me, and forget everything?

  Reaching out to the low, cement wall in front of me, I gripped the metal rail running along the top edge, and slowly followed it to the far end of the platform. Since I’d been here before, I knew the fog was hiding a hundred-foot drop to the ground below—but that didn’t keep me from leaning out over the wall. With my hands firmly gripping the rail, and my knees locked in place, I leaned forward and let the upper half of my body go.

  I felt free, almost like flying as I gazed out over the translucent expanse. The cool air floated through my lungs, making me feel bold, even careless, like staring death in the face and daring it to take me like it took Daniel. A flash of anger shot through me when I thought about how fragile we were, and for a second, I wondered if anyone would even notice. All it would take was one final breath as I let go of the rail and dove into the void….

  Peace.

  Quiet.

  My heart sped up, and it felt like someone was sneaking up behind me.

  Quickly, I pulled myself back to solid ground and spun around, nervously looking around for any sign of a visitor. But nobody was there. Just white. And quiet. And the sound of my own breathing.

  Ignoring my racing heartbeat, I turned around and leaned over the edge again. But a faint voice inside my head held me back. “Stop, Claire. You’re going to fall.”

  I hesitated, listening for more, and then inched out a little further. “Don’t be stupid, Claire,” the voice warned again, resonating inside my head like I could feel it, like it had its own presence within me. “Get away from the edge.”

  Instantly I obeyed, cautiously shuffling backwards until a door handle brushed up against my back.

  I scanned the deck again. But I was still alone.

  My mind went quiet.

  Positive I’d heard a voice, a real voice deep and soothing, even though I had no explanation, I stared blankly out into the white expanse with my back to the door, wondering what had just happened.

  As the quiet lingered, my heart slowed, and the fog thickened around me.

  Daniel

  Who would’ve thought I’d end up being Claire’s guardian ghost? The idea was laughable. I’m not even sure how it worked that day with the fog, except for the fact that Claire acted like she could hear me—and somehow I’d kept her from falling.

  I never even really warned her; it just happened to be what I was thinking when she started leaning over the edge of the deck. Next thing I knew, I heard myself telling her to move. And she listened.

  Right then it felt like I’d found my purpose. Claire was safe, and for once, I was content. Finally. After so long, I felt at peace.

  Maybe Claire didn’t have answers for me like I thought.

  Maybe Claire was the answer.

  CHAPTER FOUR

  SWEET SIXTEEN

  Claire

  Thoughts of Daniel continued to consume me the rest of the summer and on into the new school year, no matter how much I tried to “move on.” So, when my sixteenth birthday came around, it was bittersweet. However, my family insisted on a celebration.

  That warm September night, Addie, the future wedding planner, took over the party by inviting a few other friends for a day of organized crazy, eventually ending in a sleepover under the stars. Forget that I just wanted to go to an expensive restaurant with fancy desserts. I didn’t even like camping, so I had no idea what Addie was thinking. Still, she set up camp on my front lawn that, like an unfurled picnic blanket, practically spread right down to the lake. According to Addie, it was the perfect spot, because once the porch lights were off, it was dark enough to see the stars and quiet enough to hear the crickets. Basically, it was like camping without the bears and porta-potties. I couldn’t argue with that.

  Of course the whole night Addie kept begging us to play stupid games like Capture the Flag and flashlight tag, like we were still in elementary school. Before long, everything about my birthday was starting to feel like fifth grade all over again, minus the braces and truth or dare. I was about to tell Addie to forget the lame entertainment and just let us go to sleep, but when I looked at her and saw in her animated eyes something I hadn’t seen since May fifteenth, I realized that for the first time in months, Addie looked genuinely happy.

  Reluctantly, I drummed up some enthusiasm and crawled out of the tent with a flashlight, ready to play Addie’s game, grateful it was only tag and not something really embarrassing like skinny-dipping or strip poker, both things to look forward to as she got more bored and less creative.

  Everyone took off running in different directions, and I headed toward the lake. No one seemed to make a sound. All I could hear was my own breathing and the steady shuffling of my footsteps along the gravel as I moved down the hill, trying to decide where to go next.

  Veering off the path, I tripped over an old log hidden in the grass, and dropped the flashlight on my big toe. Instead of screaming out in pain, I held my breath and watched the flashlight roll away from me, down the hill toward the lake. I listened for it to hit the water, but could only hear my own thumping heart.

  Annoyed that I was stranded in the dark beneath a useless moon, I kicked the stupid log for tripping me up, and then started back up the steep hill. A few steps later, I slipped and lost my balance again.
As the ground spun beneath my feet, I careened backward. A sharp pain shot through my head at the same time the shock of water splashed over me. Instinctively, I held my breath as the cool water seemed to hold me. For a moment I drifted in a daze, and then felt myself beginning to sink.

  It was almost impossible to see anything under the water. I had no idea where I’d fallen in the lake or why I couldn’t push myself up. It was like a haze of darkness had settled over my mind, preventing any part of me from cooperating. No longer able to hold my breath, terror shot through me as reality hit. I was going to drown.

  A sickening sensation arose in my stomach, pushing past the searing pain in my head and the burning in my lungs. I couldn’t get past the flood of panic overtaking my brain, telling me over and over again that I was about to die.

  Daniel

  As soon as Claire hit the water, I looked around and shouted for help, but Addie and her friends were off somewhere else. Not that they could hear me, anyway.

  I didn’t know what to do. Claire was drowning, and I couldn’t move a pebble if I had to, much less pull someone out of the lake. Instantly, I shifted under the water, and found her limp body sinking away from me in slow motion. I watched in disbelief. Was this really it for Claire? I couldn’t believe I’d been compelled to stay behind for, what…just to watch her die? So soon? This couldn’t be right.

  Bits of rocks and dust followed after her in a stream of bubbles as she reached the bottom. She tilted her head forward and looked at me, confused, like she knew I was there, like she could see me. Could she? I reached for her, but watched my hands pass right through her body. I was useless; her arms just bobbed up and down in the water through me.

  As her eyes closed, I thought she looked peaceful, maybe even beautiful. It reminded me of that day months ago at the rope swing, when I’d first realized I liked her. I could admit it now, but of course confessing my feelings did nothing for her.

  What was I thinking?

  There it was again—that same burning sensation radiating from my chest like the last time we talked, just before I died. I could remember it now. She’d asked me something, but I hadn’t really paid attention because I’d been trying to figure out what I was going to do about her—about us. And then Matthew appeared, and I’d left her standing by the porch…

  Now, something else was happening inside me, right where my heart should be. I didn’t know what it was or where it came from, but it felt like a sharp jolt of electricity, followed by a pounding in my mind that directed me to reach for her again. The water suddenly felt thicker, like syrup, and I fought through it, touching the very tips of Claire’s fingers. Somehow, I could feel the cold, smooth surface of her skin; it was like I was alive again. Grasping her hands in mine as another explosive current shot through us, reminding me to move, I pulled her to me and shot up through the water, breaking through with surprising force. The air felt light and warm as I dragged her out of the lake to the muddy shore. There, I knelt beside her, trying to ignore the pulsing waves of voltage burning through me.

  I seemed to be jumping with electricity, but at the same time felt distracted, overwhelmed and confused. Yet, somehow my mind knew what to do. Ileaned over Claire and brushed the hair away from her face, letting my lips touch hers while blowing air into her mouth. Despite the strange feeling of my own breath, I pushed aside my runaway emotions, and blew again. After the third breath, I waited and watched.

  Nothing.

  Her skin was turning blue and she still wasn’t moving.

  “Claire.” I shook her. “Claire,” I said a little louder.

  She stirred briefly, turning her head from side to side, and then her eyelids fluttered. I held my breath—amazed I had breath to hold. Then she squeezed my hand and looked up at me with surprisingly bright eyes. I smiled, just in case she could see me. But her eyelids fell and she was still again. I didn’t move, for fear of breaking her. She seemed to be on the edge, and I didn’t know which way she was going to fall.

  Her eyes flew open again and she gasped for air. I released her hands and held her head, instead. She reached up toward my face, her fingers running down my neck to my arm, her fingertips digging into my skin, gripping so hard it almost hurt.

  I loved the feel of her touch.

  And then it was like someone snapped their fingers, and everything between us melted. Claire let go of me at the same time my hands fell through her body to the ground, the electric connection vanished, just like that. She looked up and all around, then turned over to her knees and started coughing up lake water. I thought she might never stop.

  As the lingering electricity inside me fizzled out, along with my mortality, I withdrew into the shadows. Claire tried to sit, but was too weak, and fell back into the grass where she lay staring into the darkness, like she was looking for something.

  Maybe me?

  “Claire,” I said, hoping. But she didn’t seem to hear me.

  “Claire!” a deep voice called from somewhere up the hill.

  Claire turned her head toward the voice. “Dad,” she said, her own voice weak, just louder than a whisper. But her dad had heard, and was already running down the hill. He pulled Claire into his arms and carried her up the hill. As the mortal world took care of her like they were supposed to, I drifted across the lake to the edge of the dock, wondering if that was even something I was supposed to do—interfere with life and death like that?

  If only someone had interfered for me.

  Wading into the shallow water, I ached to feel the cold on my ankles, wishing more than anything to be able to pick up a rock and skip it across the lake like Matthew and I used to do.

  I suddenly felt so alone, missing everyone: Matthew, my parents and Addie.

  And now I missedClaire even more.

  Claire

  At first there was only black…and then a soft light starting around the edges of my vision, spreading inward as the night around me seemed to vanish. I could feel myself dying, like I was being torn in two. One part of me floated to a bright, quiet place, while another could still feel the sensation of being pulled out of the lake and carried along through the mush to the shore.

  “Claire.”

  Who was saying my name?

  I was in some faraway place where nothing was pressing or hurried, and I adored this newfound sense of peace so different from everything I was used to. It was a total sense of freedom, like I was alive through every living thing; I could feel, breathe, think, hear and see everything in the universe all at once.

  Watching from above, I saw Daniel leaning over me. His eyes looked tired and heavy, like he was having a hard time keeping them open. I remembered how happy and carefree he had always been when he was alive, and sensed the weight of his worry. I even thought about going back down there to let him know everything was okay, that I was perfectly fine—except, my mind and body didn’t feel connected.

  Daniel cradled my limp body in his arms, brushing away the mop of wet hair covering my face. His tenderness sent chills through my heart. When he grasped my fingers, I tried to go to him, to feel his strong hands squeezing mine like I used to only imagine. But some sort of invisible barricade prevented me from reaching him. Daniel was right there, but it felt like a whole planet separated us.

  “Claire,” I heard his soothing voice whisper in my ears, sending icy tingles through me, even up here. His voice. I had not heard Daniel’s voice in months.

  “Daniel,” I called out to him, but my own voice was silent.

  I wanted to feel his arms around me and even felt some kind of twisted jealousy toward my own body as he held it there in his arms. I wanted to feel his touch, not just hover up there and watch from above.

  I wanted to be with Daniel.

  As soon as those thoughts left me, I sensed a loss of control as the light ebbed, and I floated like a feather down to my body.

  Down…down…down….

  Soon, everything felt warm, limp and foreign, although a sense of sadnes
s lingered inside me—until I realized Daniel was still holding me. My heart jumped. I opened my eyes to find him inches away, his dark eyes above that familiar, dimpled smile, and I nearly blacked out again in intoxicating relief.

  My fingertips brushed his face below his dimples then drew a line down his neck, along his arm, my fingers pressing into his skin. His eyes followed the movement of my hands, lingering on the spot where I gripped his arm.

  In the distance, voices called my name, all echoing from different directions. I kept quiet, though, unable to stop staring at Daniel’s face. Daniel was alive—right next to me—holding me. I wanted to speak to him, but was afraid to interrupt whatever dream I might be having.

  “Claire,” he said, holding my hand, his fingers intertwined with mine.

  Something electric pulsed between us, and a surge of water exploded from inside of me. I coughed and sputtered until my aching lungs starting working again, but then realized I could no longer feel Daniel holding me. He was still there, still in front of me, but his hands had disappeared through mine. We stared at each other, his eyes mirroring the confusion I felt.

  Dad’s voice was getting closer. I looked up the hill, weakly calling out to him, and when I turned around, Daniel was gone.

  What was happening?

  I tried to stand, but my body was uncooperative. The dark sky swirled in circles above me, little white stars shooting through the sky, and I lay back down in the muddy grass, waiting.

  Dad rushed to my side. I looked around again, replaying in my mind what had just happened, trying to understand. Daniel had been there. I knew it. But where was there?

  Daniel

  After her dad carried her away from the lake, I followed Claire to and from the hospital. Once they’d been home for almost an hour, I left her alone and drifted down by the lake to a spot beneath the creaking eucalyptus tree. It was my haunt, I suppose—where I liked to hang out and keep an eye on everything.