‘I heard that.’
‘She didn’t even care after the overdose.’
Cathy looked sharply at her now. ‘Overdose?’ she repeated, suddenly feeling dazed.
Tansy turned to her. ‘You didn’t know about that then.’
‘Your uncle?’
Tansy nodded. ‘We found him; me and Erica. She says it was just a cry for help, but I don’t know. I think he wanted to die.’
‘What happened?’
‘He went to hospital and then we had to look after him. I mean, we had to make sure he didn’t get lonely.’
‘When was this?’
‘When he first came back to England after Sidonie dumped him.’
Cathy quickly ran through what she knew. So that would have been about two years ago?
‘When you say “we”… was that your mum too?’
‘At first. But then she got with Shane. She said he was alright anyway and he probably wouldn’t do it again. That’s when he started going on dates with people, but we all knew none of them were right for him.’
‘Tansy…’ Cathy began slowly. ‘I can’t tell you if I’m right for him or not, but I can tell you that I really like him and I would never willingly hurt him. As for being lonely, I know exactly how that feels so I understand how to help him with that. I don’t want to come and mess up your family; I just want to be a friend to you all.’
‘All of us?’ Tansy said, a note of scepticism creeping into her voice, the shadow of that old challenging expression again.
‘All of you,’ Cathy said. ‘If you’ll let me.’
Tansy nodded. She glanced up the path. ‘We should go back.’
‘Your uncle’s probably on his way down here,’ Cathy said. ‘He told me he’d give me ten minutes and then follow.’
‘Is he bringing Guin?’
‘I don’t know. I expect he will.’
‘I love Guin.’
‘You love all animals, don’t you?’
‘Yeah. Makes me angry when people are mean to them. They can’t help being what they are.’
True, Cathy thought. You could probably apply that to a lot of people too. She felt that she might just be looking at one of them right now.
Matthias did have Guin with him and seemed pleased but very surprised to find Cathy and Tansy having a calm and civil conversation as they walked the path. He smiled warmly at them both but, as Cathy smiled back, it was tinged with sadness too. He’d hidden so much pain from her and it made her sad that he’d felt he’d had to. She could understand to some extent why he hadn’t told her what the split from Sidonie had done to him but she wished he’d been able to. What did that say about their relationship? Did it mean he didn’t feel as close to her as she did to him? That he didn’t trust her as she did him? It was early days, of course, and it might have been no more than that, and she hoped so. Perhaps it was just too painful to talk about and Cathy understood that too, but she wanted to be there for him and she wanted him to know that. She glanced at Tansy, walking at her side. They’d finally made their breakthrough, but if she repeated what she felt Tansy had told her in confidence she might undo all that hard work.
So what did she do? Did she tell Matthias that she knew or not? Or did she wait and hope that he’d feel able to open up to her?
Thirty
Cathy and Tansy had managed to make their carrot cake. Cathy had put out the ingredients from memory and Tansy had followed her verbal instructions to combine them. Eventually the book had dried out enough to look through and, though they’d lost a few pages to the tea deluge, some of the pages were still intact and legible. While Cathy was fast learning that Tansy was never going to be the life and soul of any party, they at least had got along for the remainder of the day, and Cathy felt they’d finally reached a new understanding. Matthias had been pleased to see it and never once betrayed that he’d ever been anything but perfectly content with his life.
This morning, Cathy was back at work. For the first time she’d really noticed how bright and festive the town was as she’d walked through to the market. Every shop front was adorned with fairy lights or tinsel or fake snow or some other Christmassy motif, strings of lightbulbs stretched across every road, and Linnetford Rotary Club had their Santa out, collecting donations for various charities and entertaining the children. At the entrance to the market building a choir of local schoolchildren were gathered and singing uptempo Christmas songs in that adorably tuneless way that only school choirs did, bundled in scarves and hats and coats that still had growing room, breath rising as tiny clouds on the frosty air.
Linnetford was a small town by most comparisons, and even though they usually only managed a handful of visiting Christmas stalls, today the smallness of their number was more than made up for in the power of the aromas issuing from them. It was early, but already Cathy could smell roasting nuts and sugary pastries and the smoky scent of the charcoal as it fired up to cook bratwurst and burgers. And the town was buzzing with shoppers, the early birds eager to finish their gift lists and the more chilled finally prompted by the imminent arrival of the big day to get started on theirs.
Cathy and Fleur had a busy morning dealing with all these extra people, meaning Cathy barely had time to share recent events with Fleur. But when lunchtime came Cathy grabbed a sandwich and found a quiet spot on the stall to eat rather than go out, making the most of the odd lull to catch up with her boss.
‘So where’s this girl’s friends?’ Fleur said, leaning against the counter as she watched Cathy pull apart her sandwich to inspect the filling. ‘Doesn’t she have any of her own age?’
‘I don’t think she has many,’ Cathy said. ‘I don’t know why.’
‘Even they can see she’s a miserable pain,’ Fleur said.
‘But at least I can see why a bit more now,’ Cathy said. ‘She is difficult to get along with but she’s been through a lot.’
Fleur nodded. ‘You don’t think her being a bit nicer to you is another plot to try to split you and Matthias up?’
Cathy shrugged. ‘I really couldn’t say but I want to trust her this time. Besides, what she told me about him… makes me think she’s only trying to protect him. They have a weird relationship when you think about it. She needs his help, and at the same time she needs him to protect her, but she feels like she ought to be protecting him too and keeping him safe. No wonder she’s messed-up; there’s a lot going on there.’
‘And her mum sounds about as useful as a chocolate fireguard,’ Fleur agreed.
‘I don’t know about that, but I’m convinced Tansy’s not going home any time soon.’
‘Which means you’ve got to put up with her.’
Cathy took a bite of her sandwich. ‘If I want to be with him, yes.’
‘Is he worth it?’
Cathy smiled.
‘I’ll take that soppy look as a yes,’ Fleur said, laughing. ‘Well, I’m glad to see you with someone who makes you look like that but I don’t envy you the rest of it.’
‘I’m sure it will work out eventually.’
‘What are you going to do about your fella?’
‘What do you mean?’
‘Are you going to tell him what his niece said about him? She could be making it up – after all, this is the first anyone has said about it. Even his sister hasn’t told you and she’s a good friend of yours.’
‘Maybe none of them liked to. It’s not the sort of thing you break the ice with, is it? How do you do? And by the way, I tried to kill myself once…’
‘I suppose not,’ Fleur said. ‘I still think it’s something you should have been told once you were getting closer to him. You’re sure this isn’t one of Tansy’s tricks?’
‘If you’d seen her face, you’d have believed her. And I think she loves him too much to make something like that up. I believe it – even though Erica didn’t tell me about that, she did tell me that he’d been pretty cut up after his split from his wife and that not seeing Beau hit him ha
rd.’
‘I just hope for your sake he’s past all that now.’
‘Me too,’ Cathy admitted. ‘I really like him, Fleur. I don’t want to get this one wrong.’
‘If it does go wrong I’m sure it wouldn’t be your fault. As far as I can see you’ve been patient, the one to go the extra mile.’
‘Hmm. It wouldn’t be the first time I’ve done all that and still managed to cock it up,’ Cathy said.
‘Matthias seems like a very different proposition to your ex. Not that I know either of them well – it’s just my impression.’
Cathy swallowed a chunk of chicken she’d fished out of her sandwich. ‘Has Jonas…?’
‘Been to the stall?’ Fleur asked. ‘Not since the last time. Maybe he’s finally got the hint that you don’t want to speak to him.’
‘I haven’t seen him the last few times so I don’t think that’s it. I wonder if he was just coming by to see me for old times’ sake. You know, a trip down memory lane.’
‘He ought to be keeping his eyes on the lane he’s in now,’ Fleur said. ‘Stick to trips down today’s lane.’
Cathy couldn’t help but laugh lightly at the awkward analogy. ‘Well,’ she said, ‘whatever was going on, it looks as if he’s forgotten about me again.’
‘Don’t tell me you’re upset about that? You sound almost disappointed.’
‘Not at all!’ Cathy said. ‘Saves me a lot of stress.’
Fleur nodded. ‘Only, when he first came in I thought…’
‘I had feelings for him still? I suppose I might have done. It was the shock of seeing him more than anything, and I was feeling a bit low and vulnerable. I’ll admit for a while I thought about what it might be like if we got back together.’
‘I’m glad you weren’t daft enough to do anything about it then,’ Fleur said.
‘It wasn’t whether I was daft enough, but whether I was brave enough,’ Cathy said. ‘Turns out not being very brave might be a good thing after all – if I’d been a braver woman I might have.’
Fleur raised her eyebrows. ‘I’d stick to the not being stupid line if I were you.’
Cathy laughed again. ‘Maybe I will. Thanks for listening.’
‘I haven’t been listening for your benefit – there’s been nothing good on telly over the last few weeks. Got to be entertained somehow.’
‘Well then I’m glad to have been of service.’
Cathy popped the last of her sandwich into her mouth and screwed up the packaging.
‘So your little book is ruined then?’
‘Not quite but it’s not looking too clever. It’s funny; I was so upset at the time but it doesn’t feel important now. I feel a bit silly for making such a fuss; it’s only a book, after all. And not even a good one at that. Just a cheap exercise book filled with doodles.’
‘It meant a lot to you so it doesn’t matter that it’s a cheap exercise book.’
‘I’ll get round to writing all those recipes down again at some point, I suppose. As long as they’re in my head I can still cook those things.’
Fleur went off to the far side of the stall and reached into the space beneath the counter where they kept their belongings when they were working. A moment later she pulled out a flat package wrapped in thick paper. She brought it over and handed it to Cathy.
‘So you won’t be needing this, then?’
Cathy reached into the bag and pulled out a book. She stared up at Fleur. ‘What’s this?’
‘What does it say on the cover, Dumbo?’
The outside of the book was thick glossy paper. There was a photo of a cake and it read ‘Cathy’s Special Recipes’. Cathy didn’t know where the photo was from but it did look very much like a chocolate gateau she’d made and brought in to work a few weeks back, and the background appeared to corroborate that, as it was filled with flowers.
She opened it up and there were more photos, all of the same sort of phone quality, alongside recipes that she recognised as ones she’d written into her exercise book. Some of the photos had been taken in the same location as the one on the front; sometimes they were only slices of a cake but there was always a floral background. Cathy began to recognise each one as things she’d brought in for Fleur to try, though she had no idea when Fleur had taken the photos because Cathy hadn’t seen it happen. Not all of the pictures were from the stall though, but Cathy quickly began to recognise bits of background that placed them at cookery club, and some had backgrounds that she didn’t recognise at all.
Cathy flicked through, her mouth open and tears filling her eyes. ‘I can’t believe you got this done? How…?’
‘I went to see your friend at the church. She was only too glad to get me some photos and lend me her photocopied recipes. I’m sorry not all of the ones you lost are in there but I got as many as I could – at least, all that Iris had.’
Cathy got to the last page, and on it there was a photo of her, head bent over a mixing bowl.
‘Where did you get this?’ she cried, laughing and crying all at the same time.
‘Iris got someone to take it when you weren’t looking. Do you like it?’
‘Oh, Fleur, I love it! I don’t know how you managed to sneak around to get all this but I absolutely love it!’
Fleur shrugged. ‘I guess you must not be very observant,’ she said with a light laugh.
‘Obviously not,’ Cathy said, laughing too through her tears.
‘Happy Christmas,’ Fleur said. ‘Early Christmas anyway. I was going to save it until we closed up on Christmas Eve but seeing as your other one got ruined, I thought you might as well have it now.’
‘How on earth can I find something as good as this for you?’ Cathy said. ‘It makes the perfume I was going to get look absolutely rubbish!’
‘Cathy, you work for me… you’re the best assistant I’ve ever had. I couldn’t ask for a better gift than that! Besides, it’s a bit amateur really. If I’d had more time and better resources we could have got some really good pictures to go inside.’
‘It’s lovely,’ Cathy said. ‘Perfect the way it is. I like that all the photos are stolen and sneaked from everywhere. Every time I look at it I’ll think about how much thought and effort went into making it and I’ll probably have a little cry.’
‘Don’t look at it too often if it’s going to make you cry.’
‘In the very happiest way,’ Cathy said, running her hand across the glossy cover with a broad smile. ‘It’ll remind me of what amazing friends I have.’
Matthias’s hand was wrapped around Cathy’s as they walked. He’d driven her up to the forest where her mum’s ashes were scattered. He’d wanted to see the place for himself as soon as Cathy had told him how beautiful and peaceful it was. Today it was more beautiful than ever, the mighty evergreens dressed in a glittering frost and the sun sending darts of light to the forest floor through gaps in the trees. The trade-off for all that fairy-tale beauty was a bitter temperature – the kind of cold that froze your lungs as you breathed it in – and the tip of Cathy’s nose was numb and her cheeks were ruddy. But she was happy to endure it because Matthias was with her.
They easily found the tree where Cathy had left Fleur’s holly wreath for her mum.
‘It’s lovely,’ Matthias said.
‘Fleur’s so good to me; I don’t deserve her.’
‘Of course you do. You think she’s good to you for no reason? She’s good to you precisely because you deserve it.’
‘I don’t know about that. I know I’m lucky to work for such a great boss.’
‘That’s probably true,’ he said. ‘And worth a lot.’
Cathy fell silent for a moment as she looked at the wreath. Matthias gave her hand a quick squeeze but he didn’t speak again until she did.
‘How’s Tansy?’ she asked.
‘She’s good. A lot better these days… happier. I think some of that’s down to you.’
‘It’s down to her. She just needed to settle.’
<
br /> ‘She needed someone to understand her. She’s complicated – I’ll admit that. You took the time where nobody else would.’
‘I wish I could say that but I don’t think I did nearly enough.’
‘She told me…’ he hesitated. ‘She told me…’ he began again ‘… that you had a very frank discussion down by the horses.’
‘Did she?’
‘Yes.’
‘What did she tell you?’
‘I don’t want you to worry about what happened when I came back from France,’ he said slowly.
She looked up to see his expression was uncertain and she gave him an encouraging smile.
‘I wasn’t myself back then but I’m alright now; I’m happy. I’m more than happy.’
‘So it’s true? What she told me?’
‘I don’t think I really meant to do it.’ He sighed. ‘I don’t know what I meant to do; I only know that I was glad afterwards that I hadn’t managed it.’
‘I’m glad too.’
‘I just… I’d lost everything I knew and my life had changed so completely. It felt so empty. Erica and Malcolm were doing their best, and even Michelle came over once in a while with Tansy. Then she moved Shane in and Tansy started to come over with Erica…’
The uncertainty in his expression was now replaced with a look of pain and regret. ‘I can’t tell you how I wish it hadn’t been those two who found me. When I think about it, I think that must have gone a long way to screw Tansy up. To see that at fifteen years old…’
He shuddered and Cathy nuzzled into him. ‘It’s not your fault,’ she said.
‘Then whose fault was it?’
‘You were struggling; you needed help. I know you would never have done it to hurt anyone.’
‘Except it did. It hurt everyone I cared about.’
‘Maybe it’s time you started to forgive yourself, just like everyone else has forgiven you. What’s past is past.’
‘I wish I’d been that philosophical back then,’ he said with a wry smile.
‘You really loved her…’
‘Sidonie? Yes, I did. Beau too. I still miss him.’
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