‘But you don’t miss her?’
He bent to kiss her. ‘Not anymore.’
Cathy smiled. She hoped that might have something to do with her.
Thirty-One
Cathy couldn’t recall the last time her house had looked so bright and cheerful and been so full of noise. Erica had found a station on the radio playing exclusively Christmas songs during the run-up to the big day and she’d insisted they blast them out now as they worked together to decorate Cathy’s living room. It was Cathy’s day off and she’d been planning to do some much-needed organising of her kitchen cupboards – necessary, if a little dull even by her standards. She’d been thinking about asking Matthias over for Christmas dinner, though she hadn’t yet. She’d been trying to gauge whether he’d appreciate the offer or not, or whether he’d really rather spend it with his family, which might make it awkward for him to say no even if he wanted to. She didn’t want to put him in that position, but she’d decided that she’d give the place a good spring clean, just in case.
But then, just as she’d got started, Erica and Tansy had arrived to surprise her with a box of decorations Erica had picked up cheap from a shop that was closing down. A thank-you gift, Erica had said, although Cathy wasn’t sure what she was being thanked for. It was a lovely thought, nonetheless, and Cathy was only too happy to let them come in and take over.
She found that they’d picked out some beautiful pieces for her too. Nothing was tacky and nothing screamed Christmas for the sake of it. They’d chosen some baubles shaped like bright red apples and strings of gold beads and stars. There were wall decorations like woodblock carvings depicting snowy mountain scenes and a wreath of silver-sprayed holly for the door. Erica and Cathy hadn’t known each other long – and Tansy and Cathy even less so – but she was touched that they’d clearly given such care and consideration to their purchases to try to make them the sorts of things they felt she might like. Cathy’s taste in most things was modest and they must have completely understood this because she loved everything they’d bought for her. But then, perhaps she would have loved them anyway just because of the sentiment that had brought them into her home.
They’d just stopped to take a break and have a slice of the Christmas cake Cathy had made a few weeks before with tea made in a pot that had last been used so long ago she could barely remember where she stored it. Getting it out again and knowing that there were enough people in her house to warrant its use had been a nice feeling.
Tansy wasn’t too keen on the cake, but she’d brought along a Madeira cake that she’d made using the new recipe book Cathy had bought for her, so they had a slice of that too, and Cathy said that Tansy was perhaps on her way to becoming a far better baker than she herself was. Tansy didn’t smile and she didn’t make a fuss over the statement, because – as Cathy was fast learning – that just wasn’t Tansy’s way. Even when she was happy she looked serious, but that was OK, because Cathy could tell she was flattered by the fact she immediately offered the plate around again with a cautious sort of pride on her face.
‘I love those tiles,’ Erica said as she looked around the kitchen. ‘Bread-basket pattern… seems to be quite appropriate for someone who spends so much time baking. They’re so cute and retro.’
‘Retro would be the right word if I’d intended it as a style choice,’ Cathy said with a smile. ‘In fact, they’re just plain old. They’ve been up since… well, I can never remember anything else being up in this kitchen. I think it’s about time I changed them, though, and I was actually thinking I might redecorate after Christmas.’ She swept a hand around the room. ‘The blinds, the tiles, this flooring… this has all been up since my mum was here. Way before she was ill, in fact. It was just too hard to get anything much done once she got poorly.’
‘Well, I like it,’ Erica replied. ‘But if you want any help just say so; I’ll bring Malc around.’
‘Will he be happy about being volunteered?’ Cathy asked.
‘Probably not,’ Erica said.
Cathy laughed.
‘I’ll help,’ Tansy said.
‘Thanks,’ Cathy replied. ‘I’m sure I’ll need all the help I can get. Decorating is not my strong suit.’
‘It can’t be that hard,’ Tansy said. ‘It’s just painting and sticking things to walls.’
Erica and Cathy exchanged a quick grin.
‘We’ll let you do it all then, Tans,’ Erica said.
Tansy wrinkled her nose and Erica started to laugh. ‘Thought so.’
‘I haven’t showed you the book Fleur had made for me, did I?’ Cathy said, jumping up from her seat. ‘Let me go and get it!’
But as she made her way to the bookcase where she now kept Fleur’s precious gift, there was a knock at the door. Another surprise? They just kept coming today. She wondered if it might be Matthias and was suddenly very aware of the dowdy sweatshirt and old jeans she was wearing. Having no time to do anything about it, she smoothed her hair down as best she could and raced to get the door.
But as she opened up she stopped and stared, the blood rushing from her face.
‘I don’t suppose you were expecting me,’ Jonas said with a faint smile. ‘I ought to be grateful you still live in the same house, or it could have been a very awkward moment just there.’
‘But…’
‘Could I come in?’
‘Jonas…’ Cathy began, gathering her senses again. ‘What are you doing here?’
‘I don’t know,’ he said. ‘I just needed to see a friendly face. Can I? It’s not a bad time, is it?’
And you had no other friendly faces? None of those people you’ve met since you were with me would do? What about your wife for a start?
‘To be honest,’ she said, her heart thumping as she recalled who was in her kitchen, ‘it is.’
‘Oh.’
‘I’m not sure you ought to be here at all… What if your wife found out?’
‘I won’t keep you long.’
‘You really can’t come in,’ Cathy said.
Despite meaning what she said, her heart went out to him. He looked deeply troubled and she still had enough feelings for him to want to help. In reality, no matter what past they’d had and how they’d split, she probably would always have helped.
‘Oh… I’m sorry, I thought…’
‘Hang on. I’ll get my coat; we can walk and talk, but I can’t be out long.’
He nodded. Cathy ran to the kitchen.
‘I’m sorry…’ she said, aware that she was about to arouse unwanted suspicion and not really sure how she was going to explain it all when she got back, ‘I’ve got to go out for a few minutes.’
‘Is everything alright?’ Erica asked.
‘Yes, yes… I just need to help someone out.’
‘Is it something we can help with too?’
‘No…’ Cathy looked from one to the other and could see already Tansy narrowing her eyes. It probably did sound dodgy and she had half a mind to go back and send Jonas away. But whatever had brought him here had to be serious and she didn’t think he’d give up so easily. Not only that, but in the back of her mind she still recalled how Matthias had needed help when he’d been at his lowest, and if help hadn’t been there for him what terrible consequences could have arisen from that. Even though she didn’t know what was wrong with Jonas, she couldn’t bear to think that he might be at that place now and that a few minutes of her time might have saved him. ‘I’m sorry… I’ll explain it when I get back. Just… help yourself to anything you want for now.’
Without waiting to hear anyone’s response she ran to the hall to grab her heaviest coat from the peg and hauled it around her shoulders. When she got back to the doorstep, Jonas was already on the pavement, pacing in little circles as he waited for her. He was about as agitated as she’d ever seen him, and that included the night they’d split up.
‘I didn’t know where else to go,’ he said as they began to walk. The morning was frosty and th
eir breath rose in plumes in the air.
‘What’s happened?’
‘I’ve…’ He turned to her and took a breath. ‘I’ve left Eleanor.’
Cathy’s mouth fell open. ‘What?’ she squeaked once she’d collected herself enough to reply. ‘Why? And why come here to tell me?’
‘I don’t even know,’ he said. ‘It just stopped feeling right. And I’m here to tell you because…’ He paused. ‘Because I felt you were the only person who’d understand.’
Cathy narrowed her eyes. She didn’t buy it for a minute. Maybe the reasons why he’d left Eleanor were sincere, but the rest of it… Would it sound arrogant to assume that it had anything to do with her? Did it just sound arrogant – was it actually arrogant and perhaps very misguided?
‘But I thought you were happy. All those flowers you were buying, the time I saw you at the theatre…’
‘We looked OK, didn’t we? That’s what everyone will say when they find out. But we haven’t been OK. We’ve been arguing non-stop since we came back from Scotland…’
‘Ah. And this is what all the flowers were about? Trying to make up for every argument? Was Eleanor trying as hard as you to make up?’
‘She had nothing to make up…’ He sighed. ‘It was… I don’t even know who is to blame anymore.’
‘So what started all this?’
‘She didn’t want to leave Scotland and I kept pushing. In the end she came back to please me, but she hasn’t been happy since we got here. I feel like that’s where all the arguments started.’
‘Then why not go back to Scotland? Wouldn’t that solve everything?’
‘I don’t want to.’
Cathy stared at him. ‘Not even if it would save your marriage?’
He shook his head. ‘It sounds simple enough, doesn’t it? But I’m not sure I even want to save it anymore – that’s the problem.’
Cathy nodded and fell to silent thought. Jonas had never fought to save his relationship with her either and she had to have some sympathy for Eleanor, who was now set to go through the same thing. It appeared to be a pattern with him. If he was going to do this to every good relationship he had then she had to feel sorry for him too because he would end up a very lonely man.
After a few seconds he broke into her thoughts. ‘I’m a bad person, aren’t I? That’s what you think? I’m not a nice guy…’
‘I didn’t say that.’
‘You didn’t need to.’
Cathy shook her head, trying to shake a little impatience with him. ‘I don’t see why you should worry about what I think. Surely the person you should be worrying about is Eleanor. When did all this happen? When did you tell her you wanted to leave her?’
‘This morning. We woke up, got breakfast, got ready for work and suddenly, I don’t know, I just felt as if I had to say something.’
‘Where is she now?’
‘At home.’
‘Jonas, what’s brought this on? You don’t just decide something like this one morning when you’re getting ready for work.’
‘I know, but like I said, it hasn’t felt right for a while now.’
‘You talked it through with Eleanor at some point before you dropped this on her? I mean, you’d both be very aware of the increased arguments but have you actually said to her that you felt as if you wanted to leave?’
He fell silent.
‘Oh God, Jonas,’ she said. ‘Why would you do this? She must be devastated right now. You should be with her sorting it out, not here with me.’
‘I know. But I don’t know how to sort it out and I felt like you were the one person who’d understand. Everyone else is too close to me or to Eleanor.’
‘What made you think I’d understand you?’
‘Because you always did. You always knew how to read me and you always knew what to say.’
Cathy frowned. That wasn’t necessarily true. If it had been as simple as he made it sound then he might have been married to her now, not poor Eleanor. Although, today, for the first time, she was beginning to see that might not have been a good thing for her. Who was to say this wasn’t how it would have ended between them if they’d been married – that one day he wouldn’t have woken up just like he had today and decided it was over?
‘Is this why you came home from Scotland? Did you know this was likely to happen?’
‘I don’t know.’
‘Seems to me there’s a lot you don’t know,’ Cathy said. ‘Maybe you ought to work some of it out before you let this situation get any further. Could you go and talk to Eleanor now? I think it would help.’
‘I’m not sure it would.’
‘There you go again,’ Cathy said with a tight smile. ‘Another thing you don’t know. Is there anything you do know?’
‘I know that since I first saw you on the flower stall I haven’t stopped thinking about you.’
Cathy froze. ‘Is that why you kept coming in?’
‘Didn’t you realise?’
‘Of course I didn’t! Why would I think that? You’re married!’
‘You didn’t suspect at all?’
‘No!’ Cathy cried. ‘Even if I’d still had feelings for you I’d never have hoped for something like that because I have too much respect for the fact that you’re married to someone else.’
‘So you don’t have feelings for me now?’
‘Jonas… I’m seeing someone. You met him at the theatre!’
‘You met Eleanor at the theatre; that doesn’t mean anything.’
‘It might not mean anything to you but it does to me!’
‘Right… I’m sorry. I can see now I shouldn’t have come. I’d thought… I guess I read the signs wrong…’
‘No, you shouldn’t have come if your plan was to get me back. I don’t know what kind of signs I gave you but they were definitely accidental. And if I did, I’m sorry for them, Jonas.’
‘This wasn’t the plan – you have to believe me on that much at least. I didn’t mean for any of this to happen.’
‘But you did – you said you’d been thinking about ending your marriage for a while so you did.’
‘I didn’t mean to drag you into it.’
Cathy sighed. ‘You can consider me well and truly dragged in now. You have to understand that there’s no future for you and me, but I do care. What are you going to do?’
‘What can I do? I suppose I’ll find somewhere to live and get used to life as a single man again.’
‘Don’t say it in that tone…’
‘What tone?’
‘You know the one – the one that makes me feel guilty and sorry for you and like it’s somehow my fault you’re going to be living alone. We both know it used to work on me before, but it won’t now.’
‘I’m sorry – I didn’t mean to.’
‘And you’re still doing it…’
‘Sorry,’ he said again.
There was a beat of silence. Cathy began to walk and he fell into step beside her.
‘Tell me honestly,’ he said after a moment. ‘Did you feel anything when we bumped into each other again after all those years?’
‘Of course I did – I’m not a robot.’
‘But that feeling… it couldn’t be more? You couldn’t see us together again?’
Cathy paused. Perhaps at first she could have. When she’d been lonely and her life had seemed empty. But that was before Matthias, and despite the problems they currently faced, she understood now that the way she felt about him was different from anything she felt for Jonas, from anything she’d ever felt for Jonas. She’d loved Jonas once – she’d loved him deeply – but it had been a different kind of love. It had never really felt solid and the way it had ended had proved that to her; she saw it now more clearly than ever. It was too early to say for certain with Matthias where their future lay, but she could say already that she saw one and that it looked like something she might be able to depend on. When she thought about him, she didn’t care that there were o
bstacles; she was willing to tackle them. If it had been Matthias instead of Jonas in her life while her mum was still alive and taking so much of Cathy’s time, Cathy felt that maybe their love would have survived where her relationship with Jonas hadn’t, and that was the difference.
‘No,’ she said. ‘I’m sorry but I couldn’t. Don’t you remember how we broke up? Don’t you feel any responsibility for any of it? Because if you do, how can you possibly come to me now with that knowledge and expect us to just pick up from where we left off like nothing happened?’
‘I wouldn’t expect that but… we had something good, didn’t we?’
Cathy paused. Something that sounded sharper than she perhaps felt he deserved was going to come out of her mouth, but she couldn’t stop it. And maybe it wasn’t a bad thing that she said it. ‘It was good for you as long as nobody got in the way.’
‘What does that mean?’
‘If you don’t know then I’m not going to explain it. Jonas, you’re a lovely guy but sometimes I think you find it hard to understand the world from anyone else’s perspective. The world is good for everyone when it’s good for you, and there are only problems for anyone if they’re your problems. I’m sorry, but someone has to tell you this and you have to understand it, because if you don’t you’ll never make any relationship work.’
He stared at her. ‘Wow… I had no idea you felt like this. You felt like this when we were together?’
‘If I’d said it to you then would it have made a difference? Mum was always the problem for you when we were together – as far as you were concerned it was the only problem.’
‘You’re saying I was the problem?’
‘You were more a part of it than either of us realised at the time.’
‘And you were blameless?’
‘Of course not; that’s not what I’m saying. We both have to take some responsibility, but for a long time you made me believe that I was the only one who could have saved what we had and that I chose my mum over you. I didn’t. I never chose her over you – you only let yourself believe that so you wouldn’t have to face up to the reality that sometimes life is about more than what you want.’
Cathy's Christmas Kitchen: A heart-warming feel-good romantic comedy Page 26