Hopelessly Broken (A New Adult romance)

by Ward, Tamryn

  Ten minutes later her prayer was answered.

  Sadly, she only managed to write one paragraph before Logan came bouncing through the front door, announcing he’d received an A on a math test and asking what was for dinner.

  Jenn abandoned her computer and shifted into mom mode. While Logan jabbered about the kid who threw up in gym class, she fixed him a snack—peanut butter and banana slices--then she started rummaging in the refrigerator and cupboards, looking for something to make for dinner. She had dinner well on its way when she heard the front door creak open.

  Bobby was home.

  The two-timer.

  The liar.

  After making sure nothing would boil over or catch fire, and Logan knew what to do with his math homework, she jerked up her chin and sucked in a deep breath. Earlier she’d told herself she would be apologizing to him.

  There’d be no apologizing now. Not on her part.

  “Hello,” she said to his back. He was hanging his coat on a hook.

  He swiveled around and gave her a strange look. Knowing him, he probably had expected her to come crawling to him, her back practically bleeding from her self-flagellation. Hah. “Hi.”

  “How was your day?” she inquired. Her jaw was twitching. She could feel it. But that was nothing. Her heart was slamming against her breastbone, trying to crack it in two.

  “Fine. Busy.” Clearly clueless to her anger, he casually pulled one boot off then the other.

  “Funny, your day was busy. So was mine,” she said.

  “It was?”

  “Yeah. I had an unexpected visitor.” She jerked her head toward the diaper bag, sitting on the couch. “She didn’t have a whole lot to say. But she was quite the companion.”

  “Oh? Why’s that?” His gaze jumped from Jenn’s face to the diaper bag. His eyes narrowed. “What’s that?”

  “A diaper bag, of course. Surely you’ve seen one of those before…since you have a baby.”

  His face turned the shade of goat cheese. “What?”

  “Your daughter is napping in Logan’s room.”

  Now his face was the shade of a cherry. It wasn’t a flattering shade. Not at all. “What?”

  “Your ex-whatever, ex…?” When he didn’t clarify, she continued, “Your ex dropped Gwen off this morning, saying you had promised to watch her today.”

  “Oh.”

  “Yeah. ‘Oh’.” She made air quotes.

  “She’s here?” His gaze flicked around the room.

  “She’s upstairs. She’s cute. Not sure where the red hair came from. But she most definitely has your eyes. How old is she, Bobby? She’s walking. And she’s talking…some. Is she two yet?”

  And now his face was back to pasty white. “No. She’s…er…”

  “Yeah, I suppose it doesn’t matter, does it. Clearly she was conceived over a year ago.”

  He hadn’t moved. Not since this conversation had started. He was just standing there, looking like a guilty asshole, his back against the wall, both literally and figuratively. And he had nothing to say. Not a damn thing.

  “Were you going to tell me?” she snapped, barely able to keep from shouting. A strand of hair flopped over her face, and she shoved it out of the way with a shaky hand. “Bobby?”

  “Sure. Yeah. I was going to tell you.”

  “When?”

  “When I felt the time was right.”

  “You mean, when you felt I was in love with you so I wouldn’t throw your ass out? Or maybe later…like before her high school graduation?”

  “You can’t throw me out yet. You still need me, to keep Human Services from taking your brother.” He crossed his arms over his chest and glared. “Besides, you’re no better than me. What did you do? Did you forget about that already? Was it that forgettable?”

  “No, I didn’t forget. But I don’t remember our talking about any kind of commitment. We’ve just started seeing each other again.” She rolled her eyes. “Cripes. What a mistake that was. At least I know that already. I can’t trust you. You cheated on me. You had a kid. And you hadn’t told me. I had to find out this way, by having the kid’s mother show up on my front porch and shove your child into my arms.”

  “Shit. I wanted to tell you, but…well…it wasn’t the right time. I can explain.”

  “How are you going to explain it, Bobby? How?”

  Looking guiltier than a ten year old caught with a pocketful of stolen gumballs, he shoved his fingers through his hair. “Well, you see, one night I got drunk and there was this girl. I didn’t know her. She was at a party. We did it just once, and I found out she was pregnant a few weeks later. I told her to get an abortion, but she wouldn’t—“

  “That’s your explanation?” she interrupted. “You got drunk at a party, fucked some random girl and then tried to force her to get an abortion but she refused?” Really? That was his big explanation? “Wow, that makes it all better, Bobby.” She rolled her eyes again.

  “It was a mistake, Jenn. One mistake. One big fucking mistake.”

  “Literally,” she shot back, unable to resist.

  “And it’s cost me so much.”

  Oh, boo hoo. Did he expect her to feel sorry for him? “Kids do that, they cost their parents a lot. They need time. Money. That’s why I wouldn’t have sex with you, Bobby. I knew that. Even then. Even when I was sixteen. Did someone forget to tell you that sex causes pregnancy? Did you not learn anything in health class?”

  “Of course I did.” Arms still crossed over his chest, he paced back and forth. “But I thought…she said she was on the pill.”

  “And you believed her.”

  “Sure. Why would a girl lie about that?” He threw his hands up. “What girl would want to get pregnant?”

  She shook her head. Was he really that clueless? “Lots of girls. Desperate girls—the kind that think having a kid will trap the guy into staying with them.”

  “Nicole is not that kind of girl. Trust me. She didn’t want to be a mom. And she certainly didn’t want to be a wife.”

  “Well, maybe she wasn’t trying to trap you. Could be she didn’t lie about being on birth control. Maybe she got pregnant even though she was on the pill. It happens. Again, I learned in health that there’s only one surefire way to avoid pregnancy. It’s called abstinence.”

  “Yes, and you’re so much better than me.” His eyes jerked up and down. “You’re not abstaining either. So what will you do if the condom rips or the pill fails? Hmmm? Have you thought about that?”

  “I have thought about it. At least if it happens, I have a steady income. I can provide for my child.”

  Her jerked up his chin. “Well, so do I--I provide.”

  “Good. I’m glad to hear that.”

  “I buy her diapers and milk and pay for her doctor’s visits.”

  “Good.”

  He jerked a thumb over his shoulder “And before Nic tossed me out, I was paying the rent, too.”

  Nic? Rent? He’d been living with her, not with Sax.

  Another lie.

  “When? When did she toss you out, Bobby?” Jenn asked, her heart in her throat.

  His gaze plunged to the floor.

  “Let me guess.” Feeling shaky, she wobbled over to the closest chair and leaned against its back for support. “She kicked you out right before you came to stay with me, didn’t she?”

  He nodded. “Yeah,” he admitted.

  Shit. This was a lot more complicated than she’d thought. The last thing she needed was to get in the middle of Bobby’s relationship. Needing more support than leaning provided, she circled around the chair and sat.

  “You should go back to them, to your family, to Nic and Gwen,” she said to the floor. He was still standing somewhere behind her, out of her line of sight. It was better that way. Jenn could think a little clearer when she didn’t look at him. Planting her elbows on her knees she dropped her face into her hands. “Is she…did you marry her?”

  “No, I didn’t marry h
er. I proposed. She said she wouldn’t marry me until I gave up music. Music. How can she ask me to do that? My music is my life. No, I can’t go back. I can’t. Not as long as she expects me to quit the band.”

  “But I thought you wanted to quit too?” she asked, somewhat confused.

  “I said I was tired of the bullshit, but, like I said, I love music. I can’t quit. My job sucks. Music is all I have.”

  Jenn inhaled, exhaled. The oxygen helped clear her head a little. “I have a feeling she’ll be a little more open-minded now. I think she’ll let you go home. After today, I think she realizes now how much she needs you.”

  Bobby chuckled, clearly unconvinced. “No, Nic doesn’t need me. She doesn’t need anyone.”

  Jenn motioned toward the front door. “The frazzled, desperate, scared girl who stood on my porch crying does.”

  Bobby’s eyes widened. They darkened with concern. Genuine concern. Bobby loved that girl. He loved her more than he probably wanted to admit, even to himself. “Crying?”

  Jenn nodded. “Yes. Maybe she just doesn’t let you see she needs you because she’s afraid.”

  His brows scrunched. “Afraid of what?”

  “Afraid of losing you? Afraid you’ll run?”

  “So she tosses me out?”

  On the surface, it did seem illogical. But Jenn had a feeling Nic, as Bobby called her, was terrified. Terrified people, especially people who weren’t accustomed to being vulnerable, did illogical things.

  Like…kissing someone and then disappearing for days.

  Like…saying they want someone and then avoiding them.

  “She’s trying to protect herself,” Jenn explained. “She thinks it’ll hurt less if she breaks up with you.”

  “I don’t know.”

  Silence fell between them.

  The anger was gone. Now it didn’t matter anymore than Bobby hadn’t told her about his child. She could accept that there had never been any hope of a future with Bobby. Bobby had come to stay with her because he was running away from his troubles. Sooner or later, he would have had to stop running and face them. Sooner or later, he would have gone back to his child and his girlfriend.

  Little footsteps echoed over their heads. A door upstairs creaked. A tiny voice called down, “Dada?”

  “Your daughter needs you.” Jenn tipped her head toward the sound. “You can stay here as long as you need--if it’ll help you work things out with your girlfriend. But you don’t have to stay. At this point, I’m hoping my caseworker is working on my paperwork...that it’s just a matter of signing something and maybe having a home visit or two. I don’t think the judge will do anything drastic.”

  He tipped his head up. His body visibly stiffened. “I don’t think I’m ready to go back yet.”

  “It’s not my place to tell you what to do, but ready or not, I think you should go back. You know what she’s going to think?” Jenn motioned between them. “We know it isn’t going to happen. But Nic…? I don’t want to get in the middle of your situation. It isn’t right.”

  Looking conflicted, Bobby nodded. “Fair enough.”

  “Dada,” the child called again.

  Bobby glanced up. “I’m coming, Gwen. Daddy’s coming.” His emotion-filled eyes met Jenn’s. “The other night…wasn’t an act, Jenn. I still have feelings for you.”

  She didn’t know what to say to that. Deep down she had feelings for him too. But her feelings for him were different now than they had been a year ago. She cared about him. She was even attracted to him. But she no longer felt that intense connection she’d once shared with him. He wasn’t hers anymore.

  But that was for the better. He had to do the right thing. He had started a family. He needed to stay with that family. He had to make it work. For the child’s sake.

  Looking as if he might cry, he confessed, “I didn’t realize how strong those feelings for you were until I saw you in the hallway and I knew you’d…I knew what you had done with that asshole.” He shoved his fingers through his hair and shook his head. “Actually, that isn’t fair for me to call him that. He’s not such an asshole. He cares about you. I can tell. He probably cares about you more than I do.” Not waiting for her to respond, he brushed past her, grabbed the diaper bag and headed upstairs. “I’m the asshole.”

  A tear trickled from her eye. Just one.

  But there was a lot of heartbreak in that one little tear.

  At least a year’s worth.

  * * * * *

  An hour later Bobby and Gwen were gone. He’d packed up his stuff and taken her home. While he gave Jenn a sad, apologetic, somewhat desperate look, he said nothing when he left. He merely walked out. Jenn wondered if he would be able to work things out with his girlfriend. She hoped, for Gwen’s sake, he would.

  It wasn’t easy, because she had so much on her mind, but she tried to focus on her normal routine. Logan had homework to finish up and a spelling test to study for. After quizzing him on his words a few times, she sent him up to take a shower while she cleaned the kitchen. She was just finishing up the dishes when she heard a knock on the door.

  Thinking it might be Bobby, coming back for something he left behind, she dried her hands and went to let him in.

  It wasn’t Bobby.

  “Hi,” Aeron said. He was shouldering the porch’s support post, arms crossed over his chest.

  “Hi.” Her face heated instantly, as if she’d stuck her head in the oven. She could tell she was blushing furiously. She wanted to ask him what he was doing on her front porch. But she couldn’t speak.

  Was he there to say he was falling in…? No. Couldn’t be that. Maybe he was there to tell her that he missed her and couldn’t stop thinking about her?

  “Um.I told Logan I would come over tonight and help him with a project.”

  A project.

  Just a project.

  “Oh?” Stepping aside, she waved him in. “I didn’t realize Logan had a project due.”

  He brushed past her. “It isn’t due for a few days yet. Maybe he didn’t tell you because I promised to help him?” As he kicked off his boots, he added, “I hope you aren’t upset that he didn’t mention it. He told me he feels bad sometimes, that you have to do so much for him.”

  “But I don’t mind.”

  “I know.” He straightened up.

  Wow. He looked so great, better than the last time she’d seen him. How was that possible? His hair was windblown but on him it looked sexy. His skin was a little flushed, probably from the cold. He shrugged out of his coat and hung it on a hook. “Is he upstairs?”

  “Taking a shower. Did you want to come back later, after he’s done?”

  “No. I can wait.” He gave a little wave with his hand. “Go ahead, get back to whatever you were doing. I’ll just hang out in the living room until he’s done, if that’s okay.”

  If that’s okay? Since when wasn’t it okay?

  God, this was awful! The air between them was crackling there was so much tension between them. She stared at him. He stared at her. It seemed neither knew what to say. What was there to say after…after what they’d done? I had a great time, can we do it again?

  Puhleez.

  Jenn somehow managed to speak first. Her voice cracked a little, but she managed to string together a series of words that made sense. “I was just cleaning the kitchen.”

  Aeron’s eyes brightened. “If you could use the help—“

  “No thanks, but you can keep me company.”

  “Sure.” He followed her into the kitchen. Immediately, she had mixed feelings about encouraging him to come with her. She felt a little self-conscious. In her head images of him, naked, kept playing, over and over, making her warm and shaky and jittery. It didn’t help that the room was tiny. She couldn’t do anything without bumping into him, no matter where he stood or sat.

  Finally, after moving several times, he parked himself at the entry, shouldering the doorframe. She grabbed the sponge and started wiping the sto
vetop.

  “I um…I’m glad Logan’s busy for a minute. How are you? You know…? Are you still hurting?”

  Oh God, he didn’t just ask that.

  Her face was probably the color of Logan’s toy fire truck. It was hotter than the stove burner—and that was hot. The pain from the burn hit her a split second later. She jerked her hand back. “Fine. Perfectly fine.” She made sure he saw the big, reassuring smile plastered on her face. “Everything’s okay.”

  “I thought I heard voices. Bob--”

  “He’s moving out,” she blurted. Then she wanted to smack herself. Aeron had made it clear there was no future between them. Before they’d screwed, she’d told him she was okay with that. If there was one thing she knew about guys, it was that acting clingy and desperate was the fastest way to chase a guy away.

  “He is? He’s leaving?”

  She had to try to sound not-desperate, not-clingy. Casual. Care-free. Yes. Like they were just buddies.

  Buddies.

  Buddies who had screwed. Once.

  She cleared her throat and smiled wider, hoping the expression would mask the hint of desperation she heard in her voice. Because he was behind her he couldn’t see her face. Glad for that, she grabbed a dirty frying pan, filled it with soapy water and started scrubbing. “He told me you talked to him, but that’s not why he’s leaving. It’s not because of…you.”

  “Oh. Are you okay?”

  “Sure.” She stopped scrubbing, realizing she’d scuffed off the nonstick coating. Crap. She dropped the sponge and glared at the pan. “Dammit!”

  “Jennifer.”

  “Yeah?” Making sure that stupid smile was still in place, she twisted around.

  “I…I…oh, to hell with it.” He caught her by the shoulders and hauled her against him. His mouth crashed against hers. His tongue shoved between her lips and dipped into her mouth.

  * * * * *

  She tasted like heaven. She felt like heaven. She was his heaven.

  He couldn’t resist. Not with her standing there, looking so damn sexy. And sad. Sad because of what he’d done to her.