by Royal Blue
I purse my lips, as my stomach twists in knots. I’ve come a long way, but it has taken so much time. I’m still a work in progress.
“I gained a lot of weight in my teens….” I pause and look up at him. “Up until my freshmen year in college I was extremely overweight. I’d spent so much time eating my emotions and secrets. I also had it in my head that if people focused on the obesity, they wouldn’t zone in on me being gay.”
I pause, thinking about my past. Food was a shield for me. I tried to become invisible and almost killed myself in the process. Back then the doctor said I had the organs of a seventy-year-old.
“Go ahead, continue. I’m listening,” Kyle coaxes.
“It took a family intervention from my father and sister to help me through breaking the cycle that was making me sick, literally. My body had started shutting down on me. Everyone started to fear for my life,” I explain.
“An intervention. Like a drug intervention?” he asks with furrowed brows.
“Yeah, Tara knew something deeper was going on with me. I wasn’t hiding as well as I thought.” I snort. “My parents were concerned as well.”
“Sounds like you have a loving family,” he says.
“Yeah, I do.” I take another pause, needing a moment.
Holding up a finger, I gesture for him to hold on. I get up to go into the kitchen for the bottle of wine I have in the refrigerator. I grab a couple of glasses and a bottle of water in case Kyle’s not drinking, with it being the season and all.
When I return he’s waiting patiently. I like that about him. He’s direct but patient.
Holding up the offerings I have, I wait for him to pick one. He reaches for the water, brushing my fingertips as he takes it. A shiver runs through me. I relish in that spark that passes between us. It’s a much-needed comfort. Reclaiming my seat, I pour myself a glass.
“I…. Hearing my father tell me he knew my sexual preference all along and he accepted me no matter what—it went a long way. His words meant a lot. Even now, saying this out loud to you reminds me of how much I needed to hear that then.
“I grew up in a proud Irish home. My father had always been the alpha macho male of the household. My older brothers fell right in line with that same persona.
“A part of becoming obese was to stop my brothers from dragging me into their antics. It worked with Mitch, my oldest brother. John, the younger one, not so much. John and Tara, my sister, wanted me around no matter what. They have always coddled me. I know they were the reason I never gave up. They all looked out for me. Mitch is my biggest protector. If I’m happy, he’s happy.”
“So you have three siblings?” he asks, taking a sip of water.
“Yeah.” I nod, followed by a gulp of wine.
I think through my words. Placing my wine back down, I shove some food in my mouth to give me a moment. When I finish chewing I continue.
“With my family’s help, I essentially learned not to care what others thought. My sexuality nor my weight define me. I’m a great person. I stopped wanting to harm myself just to hide. Despite all of the things going on inside my head, I never wanted to die. That last scare, I passed out on campus. It was an eye-opener for us all. Eventually, I started living for me.
“I worked hard and got my health back, but a lot of damage was already done mentally. The insecurities were very real for me. I started dating and getting out to meet people to boost my confidence. It worked for the most part, but those insecurities still surface. Especially after being in a few relationships that tapped into those dark places and drilled them further into my brain.” I drop my eyes again.
Silence fills the room. My own breathing filling my ears. I’m afraid of what I’ll see if I look up into his eyes. All of this is my truth. I know that, but others don’t always understand it. I only lift my head when I hear his rich velvety voice offering words to close the gap between us.
“My sister, Savanna, was the only one that listened to me when I said I love basketball. I didn’t want to do anything else. I was good at other things, but I loved balling. Because I was so lanky, my uncle said I didn’t stand a chance,” he says with a hint of bitterness.
Suddenly, he gives a wistful smile. His eyes glisten a little. I find myself leaning in to listen more closely.
“I was going to the ninth grade that next school year. She got me up at five in the morning every day that summer, with a protein shakes and egg yolks. That shit was disgusting.” He makes a sour face. “But she pushed me through.
“She would have me do suicides until I felt like I was going to throw up, and I lifted weights until I was sore all over. By the end of the summer, I put on weight and had built up muscle. All that running and those nasty-ass drinks changed the course of my life,” he says quietly.
“Sisters are lifesavers,” I say softly.
I don’t comment on the tears he quickly wipes away. I know the wounds are still fresh from his loss. I admire his strength.
Reaching across the coffee table, I touch his hand. When his eyes meet mine, I smile reassuringly. He turns his hand over and squeezes my fingers. A sense of a bond has begun with our sharing.
I release his hand, and he tucks into his food without a reply. I watch as he gets lost in thought. I can see in the set of his brows he’s gone somewhere else.
I start to think back to those darker times. I was unsure of so much. My thoughts so misguided because I kept them to myself.
However, I’m grateful for those days. I learned a lot about myself through them. I took control, and now, I’m a survivor. I’ve proven that to myself repeatedly.
I reach for my own fork and begin to eat. I moan as the flavors melt in my mouth. I don’t know where he went, but he’ll have to tell me. This will definitely make it onto my cheat list.
“I don’t date publicly,” Kyle says, breaking into my thoughts. “I like you. I think we have something between us. But I need to know you understand I’m not that guy. I will never be public about who I’m dating or that I’m gay. It has nothing to do with being ashamed or not wanting to show you off. You’re a gorgeous man. I’ll be happy to show you affection in settings like this, at Javier’s club or one of his exclusive parties. Outside of that, I need you to know that I won’t… I can’t go there.”
I take a moment to process his words. I hear them. I just need another second to absorb them. After a beat or two, I nod my understanding, while rubbing my palms on my lap.
“My family knows. I have a few friends that I’ve shared with, but I still fear coming out at work. When you work with children, people can be narrow-minded,” I reply.
“Yeah, pretty much. I mean, the shit I hear in the locker room. Some days, I stick my earbuds in just to block out the bullshit. Some people will never understand. Then there’s my family. Everything that’s not to their liking or understanding makes you the devil.” Kyle shakes his head.
“I do my best to be a loving person. I’d give the shirt off my back to a stranger. I pray every morning and night.” His jaw tightens, as his words get caught in his throat.
“I have questioned God in my life. I’ve had reason to, but when I look at my nephew. When I think about how much my sister loved me and took care of me. When I think of the things I’ve been through and lived through. I know He’s there. To say I’m a child of the devil because I find comfort in the arms of a man is….
“I’m starting to question the world, not God. I am Kyle Tyson. Someone’s son, brother, uncle. I love to play basketball. I love to buy and drive nice cars. I enjoy sitting on the beach in the middle of the night, while listening to the waves. I hate shopping for clothes, but I like to dress nice.” He gives a small chuckle. “Savanna used to be my personal shopper.
“I love to see people win. I love music. Those are the things that make me who I am. The things that help others know me. The things that shape my personality. When you share too much about the intimate parts of you, people forget those things. Who I love, it’s n
one of anyone’s business because that belongs to me and me alone.”
I sit speechless. I’ve never heard anyone explain their choice to remain private like that. I don’t think I could have said it better, but I can totally relate. At the end of the day, I just want to be loved. I don’t care what the world has to say because it’ll be a treasure that’s been given to me, no one else.
“I’ll take it,” I say when I finally find my words.
Kyle’s eyes light up with a smile. For the first time today, I don’t feel like I’m coming out of my skin. I’m content. Kyle is just like me in so many ways. I think I’ve found my perfect match.
Kyle
“THANKS FOR dinner,” Andy says as we reach the front door of his apartment.
“You’re welcome. I enjoyed talking to you. It was refreshing,” I reply.
He gives me that shy smile. Moving closer to him, I reach to cup his jaw. My thumb takes a pass over his skin. I can feel he shaved before the date.
“What did you find refreshing?”
“I don’t like dancing around what I want. You win points with me for being so straight up,” I say. “It’s something I can get used to.”
“I don’t want to be played with. It’s only fair I treat you the same.”
“True. I feel you. Like I said, I respect that. I like it.” I nod. “I can tell your words have been genuine. I need that more than you know.”
“Sounds like you have a past to share. Maybe next time?”
He says the words so cautiously. As if I’m not going to call him after this. I decide to show him my answer.
Backing him into the door, I tilt his head back and take his lips. He opens up to me and I deepen the kiss, pulling a groan from us both. I can taste the wine and spices from our dinner flavoring his mouth.
Reaching for his hands, I pin them to the door above his head. If a kiss could scorch, we’d both be on fire. What I meant to be a simple show if my interest in him turns into a make-out session. I’m not sure how long I have him pinned to the door as I devour him.
My phone buzzes in my pocket, bringing me back from the edge of sanity. Releasing Andy, I take a small step back. I grin at the dazed look on his face. The dreamy gaze in his blue-grays is adorable.
“Things are about to get crazy for me, but I’d like to see you again,” I say.
“I’d like that,” he pants.
“Cool, we’ll talk soon.” I peck his lips one last time before I walk out the door.
CHAPTER SEVEN: HEY
Kyle
I HAVE a little time before we board the bus for the arena. I pull out my phone with thoughts of Andy circling my head. Bringing up his number, I long to hear his voice. In fact, I haven’t stopped thinking about him since I left home for this week’s schedule.
“Tyson, you coming down?”
“Nah, I’m going to check in at home and get my head right,” I reply to Rick Knight, one of my teammates.
“Okay, cool. See you on the bus,” he says, heading out of the room.
I nod, waiting until he’s out the door before turning my attention back to my phone. I hesitate for only a moment before I start a text to Andy. I read it three times before sending it, as if it isn’t a simple text.
Me: Hey. How are you?
Andy: I’m great. Was just thinking of you.
His reply comes back quickly. I look at the clock, noting where I am and the time difference back home. I smile when I think of Andy sitting with a stack of papers, grading spelling tests, looking over finger paintings or something—whatever kindergarten teachers do.
Me: What are you up to?
Andy: Just got in from dinner with my sister. Waiting for the guy I’m seeing to come on TV.
My smile broadens. So much for my assumption. Andy stays surprising me in good ways. This light banter is just what I need. Something to relax me before I get into the zone.
Me: Oh yeah? What’s he doing on TV? You sure we should be texting? I don’t want to cause no problems.
Andy: You’ll be kicking ass on the court. I miss you that’s the only problem you’ve caused.
Damn, this guy has me in my feelings. I’m smiling so hard my face hurts. I wish I could actually talk on the phone. I just don’t want to chance getting too comfortable and Rick doubling back to listen at my door. He’s one of the nosier players on the team. No one likes to talk in front of him.
Me: Yeah. I miss you too. It seems like it’s been forever.
Andy: I thought it was just me. Didn’t want to sound whiny. Damn, I miss you.
I laugh out loud, shaking my head. Looking at the clock again, I see I don’t have time to talk too much longer. I’m going to have to cut this short. I wish I had longer. It’s been a while since I’ve been in a relationship with someone as easygoing as Andy. Michael and I had a clash of wills often.
Me: LOL. Listen, I have to get ready to go. Just wanted you to know I’ve been thinking of you.
Andy: Give them hell. Watch that temper.
I laugh aloud again. I’m known around the league for my temper on the court. I push my team, and I’m not afraid to get in their faces about it. I’ve also been known to challenge players from other teams. Those moments can get heated. Although, it takes a lot to bring that out of me off the court.
Me: Got it, baby. I’ll think of you when I’m about to lose it. That should keep me calm. Have a good night.
Andy: Good night.
I stare at his reply a few beats, before swiping the text closed. Putting my phone away, I get up off my bed and grab my earbuds and duffel bag. I head out for my game, feeling on top of the world.
Andy
I’M FALLING so hard.
I bite my lip as I stare at my phone, rereading my text exchange with Kyle. Today has been a great day. After making it through dinner with my sister without her prying into my love life, I’d say this day has been a win. Getting a text from Kyle was unexpected but more than welcome.
Prying my phone from my own hand, I get into my nightly workout. It seems to go quickly as my mind keeps circling our little exchange. Thirty minutes later, I’m hot and sweaty, but not for the reasons I wish.
I undress to take a long shower before the game. It’s getting late, but I had planned to stay up to watch. Thoughts of Kyle fill my head as the warm water cascades over me. My mind drifts to our last kiss. I have to shift the water to cold just thinking of it.
I step out of the shower and towel off before throwing on sweats and a long-sleeved sleep shirt. I pad to the kitchen to pop some popcorn. Looking at the clock, I see I still have about forty-five minutes before tipoff.
My phone rings as soon as I get the popcorn in the microwave. I run for it, stubbing my toe on the kitchen island. I curse under my breath. I don’t know why my heart is racing or why I think it might be Kyle in the first place.
I know he’s getting ready for the game. Which is exactly why I shouldn’t be so disappointed when Tara’s name comes up on the screen. Hopping on one foot as the pain really bites in, I answer.
“Hey, Tar. What’s up?”
“Hey, everything okay?”
“Yeah, just banged my toe trying to get to the phone,” I huff.
“Sorry,” she says.
“Wasn’t our fault. Everything all right?”
“I was just thinking. We were so into planning Mom and Dad’s party, I forgot to ask you how things went with the guy Darwin wanted you to meet,” Tara says.
I roll my eyes. I don’t know why I thought I was going to make it through the day without her prying. I begin to hobble back to the kitchen as I decide how much I want to share.
“It went well,” I reply, failing terribly at hiding the smile in my voice.
“Oh,” she drags out. “Sounds like this is a good one. Tell me more. How does he look? How old is he? Why the heck is Darwin being so secretive about this one? I can’t get that blabbermouth to spill anything.”
“He’s twenty-five—”
“Oh, so he’s younger than you. That’s a bit new,” she says.
“Yeah, but I find him very mature for his age. He has an old soul, but I think his life can be attributed to that,” I muse aloud.
“Oh, really?” she says, her interest seeping into her words.
“I love you, Tar, but we’re not getting into specifics. I like him. I want to see where this goes. I think sometimes I share too much too soon,” I reply.
There’s a brief pause on the other end of the line. I pull my popcorn from the microwave as I wait my sister out. I know she’s not going to let this go easily. I truly value her words of wisdom. I can feel them coming on along with more of her prying.
“You take all the time you need. I sort of didn’t ask at dinner on purpose. You seemed so happy. I thought I could get more out of Darwin, but that was a total bust.
“Anyway, you deserve to be happy. I hope this guy is as deserving of someone like you. Just remember to be you, Andy. None of that breaking yourself down to please everyone else. Okay?”
Her last words come out gently. My brows jump to my forehead as she throws the towel in so quickly. I expected to have to fend her off a lot harder.
Still, I hear her. I compensate for what I’m not given, and I always come out with the short end. Yet when I’m with Kyle I don’t feel the need to do so. He gets the shyer side of me. I think he actually likes it.
I’ve watched him see through to core of who I am. I like that he can see me in a way no one else can. At twenty-nine, I’ve dated older men that haven’t had the type of perception Kyle has when it comes to me.
“Yeah. I’ve come a long way. I think I’m ready this time, and I think I have the right one to try with,” I say before clamping my lips shut.
“Good. You’re beautiful, Andy. Inside and out. Anyone that can’t see that isn’t worth it,” Tara says with so much love in her voice I start to get choked up. Then she takes me home, her accent turning on. “Aye.”
“Aye, I hear you.”