by Mia Ford
“You do make sense on paper, but have you seen him? It’s a wonder that I haven’t lost my mind and done something already. I want to and you have no idea how much it hurts me every time that he leaves with a deep and longing kiss. I don’t know if I’m strong enough to resist him. I feel like I’m falling apart. I don’t want any man to have that kind of power over me, but I can’t help the way that I feel. I don’t know if this is love, but there is definitely an infatuation that needs to be dealt with sooner than later.” I had tried everything that I could to chill the air of her excitement.
“Don’t you think that we all do foolish things because of a pretty face and a body to match? That is the danger of dating. You never know when one date will turn into a one night stand or if it’s going to be something more lasting. I see that you come from a big family. It gives me the idea that maybe you want a big family of your own. Your parents are still together, but are they truly happy or are they just staying with each other for the kids?” I wanted to know if marriage and children were something that she saw in her future.
“I’m the only girl in the family. I sometimes wonder if my parents are happy. They don’t see each other that much. It’s almost like they want it that way. I don’t think that my brothers have any idea that there might be trouble in paradise. I want my parents to show some affection, but I don’t think that they have the capacity for that kind of public display of affection. I do want marriage and kids, but only when it feels right. Everything has to fall into place in exactly the right way and at exactly the right time. I don’t see that there’s anything wrong with having a bit of fun. August might not be walking down the aisle anytime soon, but there is chemistry that needs to be taken out of the laboratory.” I could see that fire. It wasn’t the same way that I felt for August, but it certainly would leave him no other choice but to drop his pants.
“Men might not seem incapable of showing emotion, but we both know that they feel deeply. I don’t want you to use him and then to toss him aside when you’re done with him. Remember, I still have to work with him and having him moping around the office is not going to be good for anybody.” I left it at that, feeling like I had done what I had come over here to do, but in an entirely different way.
“I know that you wanted me to get the skinny on her and I think that I did that. I’m just not sure if I should share with you something that she told me in confidence. It would be wrong. I think that I’m going to need some convincing to betray her trust.” I’d found him lamenting over what Julia had done when he came over after getting knock down drunk with his friend.
“I acted like an idiot last night. I fell into the same habits. I shouldn’t have gone over to see her in that state. I was feeling horny. That’s no excuse, but it is an explanation. Let’s just say that she wasn’t very receptive to a booty call at midnight. I didn’t want to make her feel dirty. She probably thought of herself as nothing but a piece of meat. The slam of the door in my face sobered me up very quickly. I don’t know what I was thinking. I just need to know from you if I’m wasting my time. I need to make amends, but I don’t want to grovel unless I think that this is going someplace.” I had him by the short hairs and I could twist her words in my favor.
“You should’ve treated me like a sponsor last night. If you had called me and told me what you were planning, I would’ve cut you off at the pass. We all do stupid things in the name of so-called love. I’m guessing that you didn’t feel very good about how you felt after seeing your friend. You wanted to make yourself feel better by going to her and getting some of that tender loving care. You should’ve gone home and slept it off. By making an ass of yourself, you took away all the hard work that you’ve accomplished up to this point. I have some good news and some bad news.” I was going to be straight up with him and not sugarcoat it in any way.
“By all means, tell me the good news first and then you can drop the bombshell of the bad news.” I had him as a captive audience and there was no way that he was going to leave that spot before I told him what I needed to say.
“The good news is that she does want kids and marriage. The bad news is that she’s not sure that you’re capable of that kind of commitment. I’m not even sure that it matters, considering that she’s thinking about walking away from her medical studies for something more her passion. I don’t want to go into detail, but she has confessed to me that she’s only going to be a doctor because she thinks that she’s obligated to do so.” I found it easy to tell him what she had told me in confidence. I had nothing invested in her future, but mine was an entirely different matter altogether.
“I knew that coming from a big family that was a possibility. She has told me several times about growing up with overachievers. I should’ve seen that she wasn’t happy with her current direction in life. I don’t think that you have to tell me what she really wants to do. Cooking is something that she excels that. I would be damn fool to stand in her way and maybe it’s best that I let her go before things go too far.” I didn’t have to say anything. He had come to that conclusion on his own. I was just afraid that he was the kind that was going to pull the band-aid off slowly instead of quickly.
“I wouldn’t blame you for following her. If you really think that you have a future with her, then you need to tell her that whatever she decides that you will stand by her.” I was being a good friend and squeezing his shoulders while he was sitting there at the desk. It was a good way to remind him that I wasn’t going anywhere.
“That’s just it. I don’t know if we do have a future. I can’t ask her to wait for me when her passion is calling her. I have no interest in leaving, especially if we are only dating. I will say that the last few weeks have been fun and that’s without the sex.” I still couldn’t believe that in the few weeks that they had been seeing each other that they didn’t consummate. What I had seen was something for them to relieve any expectation. I doubt that he was the only one that was on the receiving end of oral foreplay.
“To be devil’s advocate, you still don’t know where she stands. The only way that you’re going to find out is to sit her down and have a frank discussion. This is no time to shy away from ‘the talk’. It’s better that you know now than to think that you have something and then learn that it wasn’t as strong as you thought it was. I would never try to tell you that she wasn’t right for you. That’s something that you’re going to have to decide for yourself. I just think that it would be better for the both of you to either step back or take things to the next level. I don’t know Julia that well, but what I do know is that she is an honest person. If you ask her out right, I’m sure that she will tell you what you might not want to hear. Be sure that you want to know the truth. It’s one thing to think that you do, but another when you are given a dose of reality.” I had tried to manipulate his feelings, but I was feeling that guilt for turning their words against them.
I actually found myself liking Julia, but my feelings for August were deeper than anything that I could feel as a sisterly bond with Julia. The only thing that concerned me was that possible aftershock after those inevitable words were spoken. Once the dust settled, would he even be open to the notion of being with me? It was a cross that I was willing to bear.
“I know that you’re right. I do have to talk to her. It’s funny, but it’s usually not me saying the words. I’ve never had to tell somebody that it was over. It was always the girl that came to the end of her rope and couldn’t take me playing the field. I’ve had many conversations where they said that it wasn’t me. I know that it’s me. I don’t make it easy for any woman to get close to me. I’m not looking forward to this. If I didn’t think that it was a coward’s way out, I would send her a text message.” I couldn’t let him do that and that kind of act would only diminish my feelings for him.
“I really hope that you don’t mean that. It’s not a comfortable situation. To end things abruptly by sending a text message will only give her a reason to seek you out. You
may not know this about women, but we can be quite vindictive when we want to be. I don’t want to give out all our trade secrets, but I think that you need to know that we respect men more for doing it in person. You can mitigate her reaction by doing it someplace public. It might prevent her from making a scene, but I don’t know her well enough to say that.” I could’ve easily left it alone and let the chips fall where they may. This could’ve been over with a few keystrokes on his phone. I just couldn’t do that to either one of them.
“I wasn’t kidding. I can’t stand to see a woman cry. You can call that my Achilles’ heel. I just don’t know if I can go through with it. The way that I see it is that this is best for the both of us. She won’t have anything holding her to this place. It’s time for her to stretch her wings. I’m not going to be the one to ruin her one chance at happiness. I could be selfish and tell her that I don’t want her to go, but I’m not going to do that.” I was falling for him all over again and there was really nothing that I could do about it.
I could tease him and push his buttons, but I had a feeling that losing her was going to send him into a tailspin. Eventually, maybe a couple of days or even weeks down the road, I could be that shoulder to lean on. He might see me as somebody that he could talk to and that would lead to some intimate moments. It wouldn’t necessarily be sexual, but it had that possibility of turning a late night get together into something more.
“I know from personal experience that she’s going to hate you. It’s going to be that healthy hate that is going to drive her to become the best chef that she can be. I guess it would be nice if you could end things amicably, but that's usually not how these things go. There’s no reason for you to think twice about this. If you don’t know it, I want you to know that I think that you’re doing the right thing. I wouldn’t want to be in her shoes.” To take his mind off of the impending disaster of his love life, I turned his attention towards business matters.
“I really don’t know what I would do without you. Having you here as a sounding board has given me the courage to see what was right in front of me all along. I sometimes think that I’m blind to the suffering of others. I have the kind of money that can build an empire, but I tend to step on the little guy to do it. With you in my life, Amanda, I see things a little differently than I did before. I actually find myself thinking about other people’s feelings. I would’ve never thought twice had you not been able to resist my charms.” What he didn’t know was that I was trapped by every word that was coming out of his sweet looking lips. That I wanted nothing more than to climb into his lap and see what I couldn’t do it to make him smile.
“It wouldn’t have worked out between us anyway. If Julia is the type of woman that you are attracted to then I didn’t stand a snowball’s chance in hell of being with you.” I heard his voice when I was dreaming and I woke up sweaty and clinging to the sheets for dear life. I was trying to figure out if his interest in me was more than physical. Did he really want me, or was it more that he couldn’t have me?
“I’m a little bit different from other men. My tastes don’t necessarily revolve around women of a certain size. If I see something I like, I tend to jump feet first without thinking about it. With you, I saw that I wanted to find a way to seal the deal between us. You carry yourself with confidence and yet I feel sometimes that you’re struggling with your identity. It’s that vulnerability and strength combined that is hard for me to ignore.” My hands were kneading his muscles and massaging away the pain that he was going to feel from the breakup.
“I can honestly say that I didn’t know that you felt that way. If we could go back to when we first met, I might’ve been able to see through your callous ways. You must have been hiding the real August underneath the way that you chased after me.” I was giving him the idea that I was open to the possibility of something more. I wasn’t exactly coming out and saying it, but the underlying meaning was there.
“There are many paths that we take in life and sometimes we veer off to come back to that same one over again. I don’t want to give you any false promises. I’ve never been able to get you out of my head. There are times that Julia’s talking to me and the only thing that I can think about is you. I know that it’s not right and I should be with her body and soul. I know that I have to finish this with Julia, but do you think that we can talk about us after. I can come over and we can have a cup of coffee and see where things go.” My plan had worked better than I had envisioned.
“The one thing that I don’t want to be for you is that rebound girl. You need to decide if you really want this to work between us. If you can honestly say to yourself that you don’t just want to have sex with me then come over and we can build on that.” We had opened the lines of communication and it was possible that I was going to have him knocking on my door.
He turned quickly, knocking me off balance by swiveling his chair and making me fall in his lap. I squirmed for a moment, but then I settled in with my legs over the arms of the chair. I put both hands on his face, gliding my fingertips over the bristles of his stubble and loving the rough look.
“I really thought the idea of the both of us being together was a dead issue. I feel you on top of me and the heat of your body is causing me to react. You can tell that I’m happy to have you right here in this position. I would love to do more, but I don’t think that I can.” I thought for a moment that he was suffering from some sort of erectile dysfunction. “I mean… I can, but it’s not fair to Julia. I haven’t even told her that it’s time for us to see other people.” This was the kind of man that I could see myself with for more than the fleeting chance of pleasure between the sheets.
“It would be better that you go before I decide to take that decision out of your hands.” I got up reluctantly, brushing my fingertips over his lips and then standing awkwardly like I was going to fall on the cushion of my ass.
“I promise that I will be there tonight. I don’t know what time it will be, but keep a light on for me.” I was giddy with anticipation as the door closed like that one chapter of my life.
I thought that I was dreaming. The conversation seemed so surreal that it was almost like I had manifested it in my head. I looked around and I knew where I was that. I pinched myself and still I didn’t bolt straight up in bed disappointed.
I wasn’t sure how to prepare for his arrival. I didn’t know when he was going to show up, but that anticipation of what was to come was in the air. There was no denying that if he were to make a pass that I would fall into his arms and show him that I was agiler than I looked. That I could still bend myself certain ways that would make me look like a pretzel.
“I’m guessing that you want me to make myself scarce tonight. I’m glad to see that you were finally able to talk to him. I know that your intention was to manipulate him and on some level you did, but for the most part, this decision was his own. He needed you to remind him of a few certain details that he wasn’t aware of.” Gemini was in a downward dog position on the floor. I had followed her into that same position and I think that we both surprised ourselves that we could still do this.
“I used my position in his life to find out some things that changed his perspective. I helped Julia to realize that her dream was not to be a doctor. I know that without me that they would still be together, but I doubt that they would have been very happy. Surviving the dating world is not easy for anyone. There are times that we become complacent and end up with someone that is not truly compatible with us. You and I both know that jumping back into something that is familiar is like putting on an old pair of socks.” I thought about my past and the few men that were supposed to be the one.
“Amanda, life is not worth living if you’re not doing something that you love. Julia was stuck on the notion that her family was right. She didn’t have any say in her own future. You helped her to see that she was only pleasing them and not herself. You may have played armchair therapist to the both of them, but in the long run, the
y will be better off for it. Trust me; I’ve been in relationships where nobody wanted to cut that cord because it was going to be too painful. It’s better to do it as soon as possible or those things that drive you crazy about that person are only going to get on your last nerve. There will be that final straw.” Gemini was wearing blue spandex pants and a sports bra that really didn’t hide what she was given an abundance of.
“I know that this is best for the both of them. It doesn’t make me feel very good about my role in it. I never thought for one moment that I would be some kind of home wrecker. If it was meant to be, I don’t think that there would be anything that I could say that would tear them apart. I let them see the writing on the wall. She’s been determined to make him wait on principle alone. I think that she kept him from going too far because she wasn’t sure that he was the right man for her.” I wanted to convince myself that what I had done was right, but that growing pang of guilt in my stomach was telling me differently.
“I told you that you were only going after him because of your need to have him when you knew that you couldn’t. I’m going to rephrase that. I think that you have always wanted him, but like Julia you were hesitant to see past his bad boy ways. We all want that bad boy, but we are foolish to think that we can really change them. Maybe in this one instance, the man that you claim to be a skirt chaser has found somebody worthy enough to drop the pretense of going after anything with two legs.” Gemini had made her point very clear. I just didn’t know that he was a good man.
“I still can’t believe that this is happening. I keep thinking that it’s an April fool’s joke, but it’s not April. It’s my dream come true. I just feel that somebody’s going to come around to bust my bubble of excitement. You know that I actually went out and bought something scandalous to blow his mind. I don’t even know that I should show you. It really does send a very descriptive message about what I want.” I held the pose, breathing through my nose and out of my mouth. I contracted my core and really felt the burn.