I pulled out of the parking lot into traffic and headed toward work without glancing back.
SINCE I HAD to swing by my house to pick up the mini chocolate cake I baked as a thank you to Josie, I arrived at work ten minutes late. A fact I couldn’t care less about when Robert made me come in on my day off. Josie was flipping through a magazine when I walked into the break room.
Smelling the chocolate, she glanced up. “Is that for me?”
“Hello to you too.” I placed it on the table. “And yes, it is.”
“Thank god. It’s been a nightmare of a week.”
I could understand that. Unfortunately, cake wouldn’t solve my problems. Grabbing a fork from the stack in the middle of the table, Josie dug in.
“I wish I had something to drink,” she mumbled around a mouthful of chocolate crumbs.
Always prepared, I pulled a carton of milk from my purse. My fridge was stocked to the hilt with mini containers for Nil and I always had one on hand.
Josie let out a happy sigh. “I think I love you.” She pulled out a chair for me. “Now sit and enjoy this cake with me since it’s anything but mini.”
The layer of mousse I added to the top made it look bigger than it was. Stealing a glance at the clock, I realized I was now twelve minutes late. What was another two minutes? I grabbed a fork and broke my cardinal rule; never have more than one bite of the desserts I made.
I moaned, “Holy crap that is good.”
The chocolate mousse perfectly complemented the fudgy cake. Sometimes, I forgot how good I was at baking, since it was a talent I had no idea how I inherited. My mother and grandmother boiled and burned.
Josie stabbed another forkful. “So, what’s new in life?” she asked.
Maybe it was all the chocolate flowing through my veins, but I had a strong need to tell her about Finn. She was somebody who could give me an objective opinion about what to do.
I approached the subject cautiously. “I need some advice.”
“Shoot.”
Setting down my fork, I wiped my hands on a napkin. Josie couldn’t know Luke was Nil’s father, so I had to think of another name for him. Logan would do. It was close enough to his real name I wouldn’t fumble with it.
“For the past three months, I have been dating this guy named Finn.”
Josie pointed her fork at me. “Is he the blonde Ken doll who comes to visit you sometimes on your lunch break?”
I smiled; amused she saw the resemblance as well. “Yep, that’s him.”
Josie nodded and gestured for me to continue.
“Well, the other night, he told me he got a job offer in Paris, and he wants Nil and me to move with him.”
She frowned. “That doesn’t sound like a hard decision to make. It’s Paris.”
I wished it were that easy to pack up the only life I knew to jet off to a place I only dreamed about. However, now that Nil had met her father, things had gotten a tad more complicated.
Josie tilted her head to the side, “I’m guessing there is another detail to the story or else you wouldn’t be considering saying no.”
“Nil’s father has popped back into our lives and wants to get to know his daughter,” I answered. “If we left then he wouldn’t have a chance to.”
“You love him.”
The assuredness of her words threw me. I loved the man Luke was at twenty two, until the day he left and showed me a side I didn’t know existed.
“Why do you say that?” I questioned.
“Because you still don’t want to hurt him, which is frankly amazing because my guess is he broke your heart.”
I shoveled another mouthful of cake in my mouth to avoid answering. Luke didn’t just break my heart; he took a hammer to it and smashed it to smithereens. I thought I would never be able to put the pieces back together again until Finn came along. In his own way, he had helped me heal.
“It’s not about me not hurting him, it’s about Nil,” I said. “My daughter has asked to meet her real father for ages and now that she finally has, I don’t want to take away that relationship she could potentially form with him.”
She pushed the cake closer to me. “Give yourself some time to mull it over. In the meantime, chocolate will help.”
“I have to figure it out sooner rather than later,” I wailed. “Nil’s father is leaving to go back on tour.”
“There is a thing called a cell phone. Seriously, Marlene. Relax.” She polished off the last bite of cake and pushed back her chair. “I have to get back to work. I’ll see you out there.”
As I watched Josie walk out the door, what she said nagged at my mind. Nil’s well being played a big part in my apprehension about Paris, but I couldn’t help but think it was also because I couldn’t imagine starting a new life without Luke in it. And if so, did that mean I still loved him? I barked out a laugh at the absurdity. The man already hurt me once, it would be a cold day in hell before I traveled back down that road.
BY THE TIME my shift ended, I was antsy to get home and cuddle with my daughter. As ridiculous as it sounded, a small part of me was jealous Camille and my grandmother got to spend the past eight hours with her. Between my work and Nil’s after school activities, we hardly had time to breathe, let alone have fun together.
Pulling into my driveway, I shut off the car and admired my little red bungalow. It sat on top of a hill in the neighborhood of Upper Queen Anne. The minute I walked through the door, I knew it was the home for Nil and me. An old man in his eighties had lived there for forty-five years until he passed away. His daughter rented it to me at a rock bottom price due to the fact it hadn’t been updated since the sixties. I saw potential in the place, and over the years, I slowly ushered it into the twenty-first century. As soon as I left the car, the biting cold sent me running to my front door. The smell of my grandma’s famous pasta sauce welcomed me inside.
“I am starving,” I announced.
Luke appeared in the hallway with an apron tied around his waist. His shirt was slightly unbuttoned at the top, revealing a hint of chest air, and his feet were bare. He was the spitting image of a domestic husband. Taken aback, I gaped at him.
“Hey,” Luke said.
“You’re not my grandmother,” I blurted out.
A leisurely smile spread across his face. “True. She’s better looking.”
“She would keel over with pleasure if she heard you say that.”
Letting out a short laugh, he turned around and walked back into the kitchen. “Dinner will be ready in five minutes,” he said over his shoulder.
I slipped my phone out of my purse and punched in Camille’s number. Last time I checked, the plan was that Camille would watch Nil, then at four o’clock, my grandmother would relieve her of her babysitter duties. So why was Luke in my house?
Camille answered on the fifth ring. “Hello.”
“You better have a good explanation on why my ex-boyfriend is cooking pasta in my kitchen.”
“Oh! What kind of pasta?” She groaned. “I am so hungry, I haven’t eaten anything but a bagel today.”
I peeked around the corner. Luke lifted a spoon out of the pot and tasted the sauce. At the simple gesture, heat coursed between my thighs. Back when we lived together, some dinners would get left on the stove because we couldn’t keep our hands off of each other. Cooking was like foreplay for us.
“That doesn’t answer my question,” I whispered into the phone.
“Right. Your grandmother had to cancel at the last minute and since there is only so much Barbie playtime I can tolerate, I called Luke.”
How odd. My grandmother had never canceled before. It’s not like she’d had a busy schedule between her knitting group and naps.
“I wish you would have told me so that I wasn’t taken off guard,” I said.
“Sorry, I got distracted.”
“With Jonathan?” I teased.
Camille let out a snort. “Please, I don’t have time for a boyfriend.”
&n
bsp; Grad school did occupy a huge chunk of her life, but I felt as if she needed a boy to take her head out of her textbooks. She wasn’t experiencing anything in the library. A loud curse from the kitchen signaled it was time to say goodbye to Camille.
“I’ll leave you to it then,” I said.
“Thanks, have a good night.” As I was about to hang up, she said, “And Marlene? Make sure Luke wears a condom.”
I hung up with her laughter ringing in my ear. Sex was not in the equation with Luke. Yes, I still lusted after him, but so did a thousand other groupies, evident by the incident in the coffee shop today. Also Finn wasn’t my maybe sort of boyfriend anymore. If I moved to Paris, we would be living together and practically married. Walking into the kitchen, I surveyed the damage Luke had done. Cabinet doors were open, tomato sauce was splattered on the floor and a pasta noodle was stuck on the refrigerator.
“Why do you still even use that method?”
Luke turned around and glanced at the limp noodle. “It has never failed me.”
“Or you can just taste it.”
A boyish smile that made my knees weak lit up his face. “Maybe, but it’s more fun this way.”
“Of course.” I leaned against the doorframe. “What did you and Nil do while I was at work? Was she OK with you?”
Luke pointed the red stained spoon at me, offended. “I’m actually great with kids.”
I couldn’t imagine he had any experience around children if he was on tour nine months out of the year. His fans were mostly in their teens and early-twenties.
“According to who?” I asked.
“The drummer in my band. I am his babysitter on nights when he wants alone time with his wife.” Off my look of disbelief, he laughed. “His family usually stays in a hotel when they come visit. The tour bus isn’t that big.”
Speaking of kids, I hadn’t seen Nil since I arrived home.
“Where is our daughter?” I questioned.
“She is asleep. We had a water balloon fight in the backyard that tuckered her out.”
“A water balloon fight?” I repeated. “In the middle of November?”
He shrugged. “They were filled with warm water and as soon as she looked cold, we went inside and wrapped ourselves in fleece blankets.”
Nil was constantly getting sick from other kids in her pre-school. In fact, she’d just gotten over a cold two days ago, and now Luke had practically invited it to come back. I understood he wanted to be the fun dad but not at the expense of Nil’s health.
“Luke, that was a stupid idea,” I said bluntly.
He turned around and slammed the spoon down with a loud smack. His fingers gripped the edge of the counter. “I am trying to be the best dad I can M, but I can’t do that if you don’t believe in me.”
I wasn’t one of his adoring fans who thought he walked on water. That day passed when he made me a single parent at twenty years old. He didn’t deserve anything from me.
“Who believed in me when I was alone with a screaming baby? Nobody, because the one person who I thought would stick by me, left.” Angry tears gathered in my eyes. “You fucking left me Luke, and now you want support?” Luke’s expression was unreadable. I shook my head. “I hate you. I really hate you.”
He closed the distance between us and gathered me into his arms. I tried to push him away but my exhaustion got the best of me. Melting into his embrace, I closed my eyes and breathed in his scent.
“You can’t hate me more than I hate myself,” he whispered against my hair.
We stood in the middle of the kitchen entwined as one. Luke rubbed circles on my back in a calming pattern like he used to do when I was upset. Warmth spread throughout my body. I let out a purr of contentment.
“If you keep making those sounds, I can’t be held responsible for what I might do next,” Luke said.
And just like that the spell was broken. Opening my eyes, I stepped out of his arms and put a safe distance between us. “I am going to check on Nil.”
“Oh come on.” He chuckled. “I was joking.”
I gave him an uneasy glance over my shoulder as I walked out of the kitchen. Joking or not, Luke had this effect on me where common sense went out the window and I somehow ended up without pants. I had to be careful.
When I peeked inside Nil’s bedroom, her nightlight cast a warm glow on her pink canopy bed. Her sheets were tucked tight around her body. Assured she was fast asleep, I quietly closed the door. Three seconds later, Nil called out for me and I cursed silently to myself.
I swung the door back open. “Go to sleep, sweetie.”
The covers rustled as she sat up in bed. “I’m hungry.”
Who wouldn’t be? The delicious aromas coming from the kitchen were mouth watering. If Nil got up now, it would be hard for her to fall back asleep later tonight. However, I couldn’t deny her food.
I sighed. “Come on.”
As she padded into the hallway, I took notice of her footsy pajamas. They were ones I hadn’t seen before, decorated with dancing pink unicorns over the fleece material.
“Are those new?” I asked.
“Daddy got them for me,” Nil spun around proudly. “Do you like them?”
While I was glad the two of them were bonding, I didn’t want Luke to think he had to buy his daughter’s love. She was happy just to have him around. Although, I had to admit, Nil did look adorable in her new outfit. They made her appear as if she were two again, an age which disappeared all too quickly.
“I love them,” I gushed.
Slipping her hand into mine, we walked into the kitchen where Luke had set the table with a white tablecloth and real silverware. He was about to pour the sauce over the noodles when he saw us walk in.
“Look who’s up,” Luke said to Nil. “Take a seat. Dinner will be served in a sec.”
We gathered around the dining room table while we waited for him to get done with the garlic bread. Nil impatiently kicked her legs against the chair.
“Can I have some milk mommy?” She shot me a hopeful grin. “With chocolate.”
At four years old, Nil already had a sweet tooth the size of Texas, no thanks to me. My love of baking meant there was a constant supply of cookies and cakes around the house.
“No, you’ve had enough sugar today,” I said.
Her bottom lip jutted out in a pout. “I want chocolate.”
“Milk is yummy. You love milk.”
Normally, I was better at reasoning with her, but the unexpected turn of events tonight threw me off my game. Luke’s fingers brushed my arm as he set a steaming bowl of spaghetti on the table. His touch pushed our sexual past to the forefront of my mind. My cheeks grew warm as I remembered how his hands knew exactly where to touch to elicit a moan from my lips. He was the best kind of drug out there and I was itching for a fix. However with Finn in the picture, my itch would have to remain unscratched.
“Mar?”
I turned to look at Luke holding two bottles of wine, one red, and one white. “What would you like?” he asked
Him naked in my bed is what I really would have liked. Since that wasn’t an option, I pointed to the red wine. Luke poured a hefty amount into my wine glass.
Nil eyed the alcohol. “Can I have some?” she asked
“That’s a grown-up drink,” Luke answered. “But if you want milk, then why don’t you try this?”
He grabbed a carton of milk from the fridge and added a pinch of cinnamon. Setting it in front of her, Nil hesitantly took a sip. Her eyes lit up.
“That’s yummy,” she declared.
I had to admit, aside from lack of judgment when it came to the water balloon fight, Luke wasn’t a bad dad and he wouldn’t have been four years ago. The only difference was now he was ready to play the part.
“Alright everybody, dig in. You don’t want it to get cold,” he said.
Ravenous, I took a huge bite of pasta. If I couldn’t have Luke, carbs might be the next best thing. The earthy tomato sauce
was counterbalanced by the saltiness from the fresh parmesan. It was a party of flavors on my tongue.
“Screw being a musician. You should become a chef,” I said to him, only half joking.
“I have thought about it.” He chewed a bite of garlic bread. “If music hadn’t worked out, I might have been.”
“Remember when we had plans to open a restaurant?”
Nostalgia shimmered in his eyes. “Yeah, and we were going to call it…”
“Norma Jean’s,” I answered, laughing.
Luke and I had a running joke, that one day we would open a café named after an elderly Safeway checkout lady we met on our first date. With one look at us, she said in a thick southern accent, “The love you two have don’t come around often. Hold onto it.” She was the first and last person to believe in us as a couple.
“I wonder what happened to her,” Luke mused.
“I like to think she has a gaggle of grandchildren and a husband who she is still madly in love with after sixty years of marriage,” I said.
“You’ve always been the romantic.”
I looked away from his amused expression. “A lot of good that did me,” I said under my breath.
Restless, Nil banged her fork against the table, signaling my attention over to her. Her plate was licked clean with remnants of tomato sauce on her face.
I used my thumb to wipe it off her cheek. “I heard you had a water balloon fight today.” .
Nil glanced over at Luke as if he had betrayed her. Normally, she would have gotten in huge trouble for playing outside without proper apparel on but it wasn’t her idea.
I gave Nil a reassuring smile. “It’s fine honey, you’re not in trouble.”
Excitement over her day’s activities burst out. She threw her arms wide and almost knocked over the pasta bowl. Luckily, Luke had quick reflexes.
“We ran around and threw water balloons at each other but the water was warm so we didn’t get cold.” She took a deep breath. “And then we came inside and had hot chocolate with extra marshmallows!”
Off Luke’s guilty expression, I couldn’t help but laugh. We always did balance each other out. Back in high school, people used to refer to us as a naughty and nice.
Love of a Rockstar Page 7